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BrainHurts #2783035 02/14/14 12:29 PM
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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts


This neighbor that is talking to you about this, is he married?


I was wondering the same thing so I look forward to seeing the answer....


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2783208 02/14/14 11:01 PM
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My neighbor is my financial advisor, so he knows a ton about me already. His wife is one of my close friends, but I wasn't able to talk to her yet and figured he would fill her in until I saw her. He did, she sent me some nice texts today! Believe me I am super supportive of their marriage and used to babysit for them so they could get time alone.

The truck is the only joint obligation. He didn't offer to get a loan in his name alone. He is crying poor mouth at the moment but when he's back on his feet I will ask him to refinance to get my name off. But I can't force that. At least he's been paying on time.

I am not planning to give him another chance. Besides my concerns about his character, beyond what I've written here, my OD told me after we broke up that she had never really connected with him. I think after breaking up their home the least I can do is find a partner the kids would connect with too.

The wedding is off, I'm out about 1000 for deposit on our honeymoon cruise, and the plane tickets. Although I can probably get a credit for the plane tickets.

For the next time I don't think I would move in together before marriage. I would not commit to dating exclusively up front. I don't think I would do online dating again for quite some time. I would not get engaged until 2 years. I wouldn't get serious too fast. I'd introduce him to my family before I decided to go exclusive. Not to give them a veto but their input is relevant. I would do more RC and FC stuff and less DS together. Does that sound like a good start?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2783210 02/14/14 11:05 PM
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Yes,
Dr Harley is very opposed to cohabitation before marriage because most of those relationships end in divorce.

(if you watch any daytime talk shows, with lie detectors, drama, etc it is almost always a renter couple and extremely rarely a married one)

Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 02/14/14 11:07 PM.
Jedi_Knight #2783398 02/16/14 12:45 PM
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Brain, Susie, it went well today. L did leave some boxes here but in a storage space under the stairs that I never see. We had just a short light conversation "how have you been fine thanks how about you fine thanks" you'd have with your dental assistant and that was it, and I got all my keys and garage door opener back. I'm not left sad and down, I have a day full of good plans smile


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2783420 02/16/14 03:04 PM
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NED,

I would just set his stuff on the sidewalk and call the bank and get your name off the loan.

You need to have a clean break from him and not draw this out for months or possibly years

Jedi_Knight #2783421 02/16/14 03:04 PM
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Most men would be hesitant to become involved with a woman that had belongings of her ex boyfriend in her home, and her name on his truck loan

Jedi_Knight #2783426 02/16/14 03:38 PM
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Jedi, I've been through all this and far more with my sister, the bank isn't going to take my name off the existing loan. It is until December 2015. L is struggling with some money issues, and isn't going to be willing to pay to refinance the existing loan, and I don't know whether he'd even be approved.

No one has asked me something like that, are all of the boxes in your storage room yours, or do some belong to an ex. Although the first time I had a date over to my house after my divorce, he did ask if that was a photo of my ex on the mantle wink It's not there anymore.

I didn't make a stink about the boxes because literally all his eggs were in this basket here and he is not settled. He is making do has best as he can in a temporary situation.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2783464 02/16/14 09:28 PM
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Ned the fact is mini storage places exist for circumstances such as this.
It is not unreasonable for you to insist he move out (him and his stuff)
He chose to lie to you and be dishonest and he is not a victim

NewEveryDay #2783476 02/16/14 10:12 PM
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
Brain, Susie, it went well today. L did leave some boxes here but in a storage space under the stairs that I never see. We had just a short light conversation "how have you been fine thanks how about you fine thanks" you'd have with your dental assistant and that was it, and I got all my keys and garage door opener back. I'm not left sad and down, I have a day full of good plans smile

I'm so happy to hear this NED.

What's the plan for him to retrieve the rest of his boxes?

What about the loan?



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2783477 02/16/14 10:18 PM
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
For the next time I don't think I would move in together before marriage. I would not commit to dating exclusively up front. I don't think I would do online dating again for quite some time. I would not get engaged until 2 years. I wouldn't get serious too fast. I'd introduce him to my family before I decided to go exclusive. Not to give them a veto but their input is relevant. I would do more RC and FC stuff and less DS together. Does that sound like a good start?


I think this an excellent list. I would definitely not move in before marriage.

I think if you follow these concepts from Dr. Harley you're bound to find an excellent buyer.

I would also try the "30 dates". How many dates did you have after your divorce before you started to date L?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2783534 02/17/14 10:02 AM
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I'm sure I'll get back to thinking about an excellent buyer some day, I really want to get my ducks in a row first a lot better. But then yes 30 dates sounds like a welcome reprieve from my internal pressure trying to make something serious.

I think I dated about 12 guys before my first marriage, and then like 3 before L.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2783592 02/17/14 02:12 PM
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If L's stuff is not in your way, I would keep them given that you are on the car loan still. It could serve as leverage later. I don't know if there is anything of value in these boxes but I'd keep them for the time being...as collateral.

NED, I would look into getting the truck re-fied. Interest rates are still low and there isn't much of a cost to them...like a mortgage. Are you on title? As a registered owner, you are liable for anything that involves that truck. Make sure auto insurance is in effect.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
black_raven #2783785 02/18/14 09:12 AM
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I got into that situation being on the title, with no insurance, and then a 3 car wreck, with my sister, and she was at fault. So thankfully I am not on L's title. If the refi costs are low and I offered to pay them I don't see why he wouldn't refi in his name unless it meant the payment was going to go way up. I can look into that, I'm ready for a clean slate!


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2783811 02/18/14 10:13 AM
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
I got into that situation being on the title, with no insurance, and then a 3 car wreck, with my sister, and she was at fault. So thankfully I am not on L's title. If the refi costs are low and I offered to pay them I don't see why he wouldn't refi in his name unless it meant the payment was going to go way up. I can look into that, I'm ready for a clean slate!


You may need to consult an attorney about this.

Jedi_Knight #2783861 02/18/14 02:24 PM
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That's a great idea, and I did talk to my attorney when my sister started missing payments on her jeep. He said there was nothing I could do, I had agreed to take on that debt.

But I can approach L about a refinance, see if he's open to it. He may not qualify though.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2783873 02/18/14 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
That's a great idea, and I did talk to my attorney when my sister started missing payments on her jeep. He said there was nothing I could do, I had agreed to take on that debt.

But I can approach L about a refinance, see if he's open to it. He may not qualify though.


I'm wonder if there is a legal argument to be made that he made false promises to you, insofar as he misrepresented himself as being unmarried and it was under those conditions that you agreed to sign a loan.
I would ask an attorney to write a letter to him demanding that he refinance the vehicle promptly; many times just an attorney letter will scare someone into taking action

Jedi_Knight #2784117 02/19/14 12:16 PM
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Jedi, thanks for the ideas. I am definitely taking them all in. I can see the benefit to a clean slate. I really should have asked more questions along the way to make sure I wasn't getting in over my head, a plan to back out if it didn't work out. He recently had a drastic drop to his salary and it's not realistic given his current income that he could get refinanced until his situation changes. But he got certified two months ago in a new field and is actively working on getting a better job in his new field.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2785322 02/25/14 07:13 AM
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How are you doing NED? Keeping busy?


Age - 35
Divorce Final - 3/5/12

S - 13
S - 10
D - 8
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I am, I meant to pop by your thread and say good for you, finding someone you really connect with smile I'm kinda too busy right now, but it's all really good stuff. My OD got accepted and enrolled for the fall in her favorite college. She also decided to move in full time with her Dad, a few blocks from my house, because it's a lot of work trying to keep clean clothes, homework and all that at 2 houses. She had decided that a couple of years ago when she was mad at me, so I've had a lot of time to get used to the idea, and she says she'll still come have dinner with us the weeks YD is at my house.

YD finally got her grades up, so she's off punishment after being cooped up in the house for over a month. We were out all weekend smile I have a big family here and I see them a lot too.

Even staying busy, I do miss L. That's the downside to UA time, we loved doing everything together, so now everywhere I go it's not the same as when he was here. But I'm active in Alanon, and have two ladies I'm helping to work the steps, so it's a lot of practical reminders to check my intent, and I haven't had a legitimate reason to call him yet, so I haven't. When I do want to call him, I tell myself if it's not urgent, wait until tomorrow to see if I still want to call, and by the next day I'm okay. This is giving me good practice in detaching more completely from my ex husband, too.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2785534 02/25/14 10:50 PM
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Hey NED, congrats on your OD's acceptance into the school she wants! That's a big deal! In regard to the other, are you ok having her not spend overnights at your place or is it just not worth the fight at this point?

I understand what you mean concerning missing L. Maybe it's not enough to stay busy; perhaps the kind of busy makes a difference. Perhaps it's time to cultivate recreational companions that you can do fun things with. The intention being that recreational companions will meet that casual need and missing L will not be as large a deal. I don't know what you have time for but I have a feeling rekindling a friendship or two might go a long way towards recovering from this particular loss.

Thanks for the kind wishes; I'm optimistically cautious! I know things can change on a dime.


Age - 35
Divorce Final - 3/5/12

S - 13
S - 10
D - 8
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