Biological mother is alive, but be doesn't do anything to support the kids. It's a playground and party time. My 17 year lid step daughter just got her braces off. We spent over $7000 on her teeth. Mom didn't pay a dime. According to divorce papers medical expenses are suppose to be shared equally between biological parents.

He was on government insurance for poor people. Similar to Medicare, but not for elderly, for families.

And why if she's supposed to pay 50%, hasn't she?

You never anwered my earlier question. Does your H understand POJA?

Will you write Dr. Harley?

I don't want to provide for my husband either. He's the head of this home and should provide for me and his kids. My one stepdaughter doesn't even live with us and she's still on my policy.

I'm sorry for the typos. I didn't check it. It should say my 17 year old step daughter.

LC,

Biological mother is alive, but be doesn't do anything to support the kids. It's a playground and party time. My 17 year lid step daughter just got her braces off. We spent over $7000 on her teeth. Mom didn't pay a dime. According to divorce papers medical expenses are suppose to be shared equally between biological parents.

Your H has to step up and pursue payment through the courts, rather than take the easy way out and use you as a cash cow.

God Bless
Gamma

He's self employed

She a dead beat. Once my step daughters needed sports physicals. My husband complained that he couldn't take them, I suggest mom. The girls chorused...she doesn't have any money! So I took them. Mom can afford, two dog, six cats, 2 grandfather clocks! But she can't afford 40 for her daughters? When she left my husband she took the canary and left the kids.

Does he understand POJA? No

I've emailed dr. Harley.

I agree with you but dh won't take her to court. Then she back talks to the kids and makes us look like were the bad guy, when she's the one who's irresponsible!

So it sounds your H needs to hold her responsible. If it's court ordered why doesn't he use that?

Let us know what Dr. Harley says.

Blended families are tough. Dr. Harley says that if POJA isn't followed that he doesn't see a positive outcome for them to work.

Is there anyway you could introduce your H to MB? How about signing up for the online course?

If you were to follow the POJA, then you would stop paying for the health insurance until a new solution could be negotiated.

It sounds like you have a high need for financial support -- you need your husband to support you, not the other way around.

You need to stop paying for the insurance. It is causing great resentment in you, which will eventually destroy your marriage.

Have you told your husband how you feel about this?

I have told him several times. I even counseled with a pastor and he told dh that if this is causing contention between us we need to look at other options. He advised dh that he should look for private insurance and then come to me and share what it would visit. He didn't follow through.

Keep complaining, then. Keep the problem on the front burner.

If he continues to refuse to follow the POJA, you may need to start preparing for a separation.

When to Call it Quits, Part 1
When to Call it Quits, Part 2

lovechickens,

I also have a deadbeat ex wife.
In my case, she left the kids and took the car!

But the Ex wife, the insurance details...none of that is the root of the issue.
The main issues I see from your posts are:

1. You do not follow the POJA in your marriage.
2. You have an emotional need for financial support and your husband is not meeting that need

Welcome to MB

Have you considered asking your H to reimburse you for the premium difference between what your individual rate would be vs the family rate?

If you did not carry your H and step children on the plan, you wouldn't resent that he has to then pay more (his finances affect you no matter what) for private insurance (and likely less coverage, higher deductible/co-pays, etc.)?

Do you two have "his and her" money?

How many stepchildren do you have other than 17 yr old stepdaughter? Ages?

I don't care to get reimbursed. I would still be carrying the insurance. I'm 6 years older than my husband and I'd like to cut back to part time and then retire in 10 years or less. If I carry the insurance he's dependent upon me.

I have 6 step kids - the oldest 3 have never lived with us, but my husband had to pay child support for years. They are adults and on their own. The other 3 are 18, 17 and 15

I don't care how he would pay for insurance...there are options...he could find a job with benefits, or get a private policy. It doesn't matter.

Do we have his and her money? He is self employed so he has a business account. I have a small savings and we have a joint account together.

Dr. Harley would encourage you to have integrated finances.
NOT his and hers, separate accounts, etc.

Ron Deals book on the smart step family doesn't encourage integrated finances for blended families, nor do other step family websites. Ron Deal states in his book that typically what works best for blended families is for each spouse to have separate accounts and the biological parent uses their money and account to pay for their kids expenses, such as clothing, school related expenses AND insurance premiums for THEIR kids, and the couple would have a JOINT account for household expenses such as mortgages, taxes, and family trips. I'm sorry to disagree, but this is what the blended family experts recommend. I WISH that things were different. I wish I were the kids mom, I wish my husband and I shared the same viewpoint, but this isn't reality. Reality is...these aren't my kids, reality is I'm supporting kids who aren't mine, reality is the biological parents aren't supporting them in regards to medical care/money. Reality is the kids know I'm not their mom, reality is my youngest stepdaughter violated my privacy, read my journal, told dh that she didn't want to live with us because she read that I didn't want them on my insurance, reality is, i don't feel respected. These are my realities unfortunately. Step family life is tough. Only a stepparent who's in the same boat can truly understand my duress.

Dr. Harley's approach toward marriage differs from the author you reference.
Dr. Harley believes that a married couple should be integrated and follow the POJA.

If you want to have a loving romantic marriage then you should try to apply Dr. Harley's concepts to your marriage.

EDIT: It's worth noting that families with step children have high divorce rates and one of the major reasons is because they do not follow the POJA. IN an integrated marriage, you don't maintain separate bank accounts, which only encourage independent lifestyles.

I know and understand step family statistics, most don't survive, especially where kids are involved. Peace in our marriage would come if I could get dh to realize the burden I'm carrying. How many couples do you know where the WIFE carries the insurance for her husband? Or their family? I can only think of three couples where the wife is supporting her husband in this way. The husband is the head of the home, biblically it's the husbands responsibility to care for, provide for his family. What makes it my responsibility? Because I'm a Step mom? Good grief.