I've been a stepmom for over 9 years and we still struggle. I did the audio book...he wins, she wins and it was great. It all makes sense, but when you live with a man who's knee jerk reaction is to be defensive, it makes for a difficult marriage. I did write a letter the beginning of the week to him instead of talking about ONE issue I have...I decided to tackle one issue at a time so not to overwhelm him. Also...we have had ongoing issues with my stepson...he is 18 and recently lost his license due to making poor choices. He can't drive for 6 months...now what. We'll have to cart him around and a lot of that might fall on my shoulders. I've already decided I'm going to say no when I simply can't drive him...I do love my stepkids, but the love isn't reciprocal which makes for strained relationships. any suggestions are welcome.

First, I suggest you hit NOTIFY and ask the moderators to move your thread to Marriage Building 101 forum.

Everything in marriage must revolve around the Policy of Joint Agreement; whatever decisions are made by you and your husband should be made enthusiastically.
Harley has a lot of experience in working with blended families and recommends that all discipline is done by the biological parent....the type of discipline is to be decided jointly using the POJA.

He recommends step parents just try to be good friends with the step children

Why can't stepson walk, ride a bike, take a bus, etc? If he had his license suspended, he can figure it out. Is the 18 yr old stepson, the only child in the house?

Welcome to MB.

This SS needs some character building. Facing consequences is a good tool to do so. Also the unintended health benefits from the exercise.

The issue isn't how we feel the stepson should behave.
The issue is that in a marriage the POJA should be followed.

Dr. Harley encourages step parents to be friends with the step children and to allow the natural parent to do all disciplining.

However, the rules and type of discipline should be negotiated using the POJA.

The marriage and the POJA must come before the interests of the children (except for safety or health reasons)

I am a step mom. It has bothered me for years that I carry the insurance for my step kids and my husband. I've tried to talk to him and he gets defensive and says I thought it was our money. He doesn't understand. They aren't my kids. I feel used and taken advantaged of. Any advice is welcome.

Do you know what POJA (policy of Joint Agreement) is?

Why doesn't he carry the insurance?

Have you read these?
Blended Families #1
Blended Families #2

Dh is self employed and he doesn't have any benefits.

If we did the policy of joint agreement he would find an excuse or say I'm trying to pick an argument. A pastor who has counseled us too said if it's a source of contention, then we need to come up with a different plan. He's unwilling to do this.

Yes I read them,

lovechickens,
This is what I posted to you in February when you first posted here; Unfortunately you didn't reply to any of the posts.
If you would like to have a loving, romantic marriage with your husband you can do so if you both commit to following the guidelines in His Needs Her Needs.

Other more experienced posters can help you accomplish this but you will need to respond to their posts and do what they suggest (which will be based on Dr. Harley's methods).

Are you willing to do this?

I understand that discipline of step kids should be by the bio parent, but I'm not talking about disciplining the kids. I posted that I don't want to carry my step kids on my insurance! There's definitely a double standard. I pay thousands for insurance, but I have no say In anything! Bah.

I'm sorry I didn't reply. There is a double standard being a step parent. All the responsibility, but no appreciation.

Also...it takes two to make a good marriage. I agree with marriage builders concepts, but if your spouse is against it, there is no he wins she wins! We attended retrouivalle, and I love their method of dialogue, but again, my husband isn't on board. He doesn't care to do the work, and I'm left feeling frustrated and left out.

Do you object to providing the health insurance for your husband?

Typically, you get to choose just Individual coverage or Family coverage.

With Family coverage, All other eligible family members are included.

So, does it cist you anything extra to add on the children if you would already have your husband covered?

LTL

Does your husband understand POJA?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

LC,

Is the biological mother still alive and does she pay child support?

God Bless
Gamma

I really don't want to provide insurance for him either. Yeas it costs more to have a family pkg vs an individual package. The problem too is I'm 6 years older than my husband. If I continue to provide him insurance I'll have to work until I'm 71 years old, when he goes on Medicare.

How did he provide insurance for them before you were married?

Biological mother is alive, but be doesn't do anything to support the kids. It's a playground and party time. My 17 year lid step daughter just got her braces off. We spent over $7000 on her teeth. Mom didn't pay a dime. According to divorce papers medical expenses are suppose to be shared equally between biological parents.

He was on government insurance for poor people. Similar to Medicare, but not for elderly, for families.

And why if she's supposed to pay 50%, hasn't she?

You never anwered my earlier question. Does your H understand POJA?

Will you write Dr. Harley?

I don't want to provide for my husband either. He's the head of this home and should provide for me and his kids. My one stepdaughter doesn't even live with us and she's still on my policy.

I'm sorry for the typos. I didn't check it. It should say my 17 year old step daughter.

LC,

Biological mother is alive, but be doesn't do anything to support the kids. It's a playground and party time. My 17 year lid step daughter just got her braces off. We spent over $7000 on her teeth. Mom didn't pay a dime. According to divorce papers medical expenses are suppose to be shared equally between biological parents.

Your H has to step up and pursue payment through the courts, rather than take the easy way out and use you as a cash cow.

God Bless
Gamma

He's self employed

She a dead beat. Once my step daughters needed sports physicals. My husband complained that he couldn't take them, I suggest mom. The girls chorused...she doesn't have any money! So I took them. Mom can afford, two dog, six cats, 2 grandfather clocks! But she can't afford 40 for her daughters? When she left my husband she took the canary and left the kids.

Does he understand POJA? No

I've emailed dr. Harley.

I agree with you but dh won't take her to court. Then she back talks to the kids and makes us look like were the bad guy, when she's the one who's irresponsible!

So it sounds your H needs to hold her responsible. If it's court ordered why doesn't he use that?

Let us know what Dr. Harley says.

Blended families are tough. Dr. Harley says that if POJA isn't followed that he doesn't see a positive outcome for them to work.

Is there anyway you could introduce your H to MB? How about signing up for the online course?

If you were to follow the POJA, then you would stop paying for the health insurance until a new solution could be negotiated.

It sounds like you have a high need for financial support -- you need your husband to support you, not the other way around.

You need to stop paying for the insurance. It is causing great resentment in you, which will eventually destroy your marriage.

Have you told your husband how you feel about this?

I have told him several times. I even counseled with a pastor and he told dh that if this is causing contention between us we need to look at other options. He advised dh that he should look for private insurance and then come to me and share what it would visit. He didn't follow through.

Keep complaining, then. Keep the problem on the front burner.

If he continues to refuse to follow the POJA, you may need to start preparing for a separation.

When to Call it Quits, Part 1
When to Call it Quits, Part 2

lovechickens,

I also have a deadbeat ex wife.
In my case, she left the kids and took the car!

But the Ex wife, the insurance details...none of that is the root of the issue.
The main issues I see from your posts are:

1. You do not follow the POJA in your marriage.
2. You have an emotional need for financial support and your husband is not meeting that need

Welcome to MB

Have you considered asking your H to reimburse you for the premium difference between what your individual rate would be vs the family rate?

If you did not carry your H and step children on the plan, you wouldn't resent that he has to then pay more (his finances affect you no matter what) for private insurance (and likely less coverage, higher deductible/co-pays, etc.)?

Do you two have "his and her" money?

How many stepchildren do you have other than 17 yr old stepdaughter? Ages?

I don't care to get reimbursed. I would still be carrying the insurance. I'm 6 years older than my husband and I'd like to cut back to part time and then retire in 10 years or less. If I carry the insurance he's dependent upon me.

I have 6 step kids - the oldest 3 have never lived with us, but my husband had to pay child support for years. They are adults and on their own. The other 3 are 18, 17 and 15

I don't care how he would pay for insurance...there are options...he could find a job with benefits, or get a private policy. It doesn't matter.

Do we have his and her money? He is self employed so he has a business account. I have a small savings and we have a joint account together.

Dr. Harley would encourage you to have integrated finances.
NOT his and hers, separate accounts, etc.

Ron Deals book on the smart step family doesn't encourage integrated finances for blended families, nor do other step family websites. Ron Deal states in his book that typically what works best for blended families is for each spouse to have separate accounts and the biological parent uses their money and account to pay for their kids expenses, such as clothing, school related expenses AND insurance premiums for THEIR kids, and the couple would have a JOINT account for household expenses such as mortgages, taxes, and family trips. I'm sorry to disagree, but this is what the blended family experts recommend. I WISH that things were different. I wish I were the kids mom, I wish my husband and I shared the same viewpoint, but this isn't reality. Reality is...these aren't my kids, reality is I'm supporting kids who aren't mine, reality is the biological parents aren't supporting them in regards to medical care/money. Reality is the kids know I'm not their mom, reality is my youngest stepdaughter violated my privacy, read my journal, told dh that she didn't want to live with us because she read that I didn't want them on my insurance, reality is, i don't feel respected. These are my realities unfortunately. Step family life is tough. Only a stepparent who's in the same boat can truly understand my duress.

Dr. Harley's approach toward marriage differs from the author you reference.
Dr. Harley believes that a married couple should be integrated and follow the POJA.

If you want to have a loving romantic marriage then you should try to apply Dr. Harley's concepts to your marriage.

EDIT: It's worth noting that families with step children have high divorce rates and one of the major reasons is because they do not follow the POJA. IN an integrated marriage, you don't maintain separate bank accounts, which only encourage independent lifestyles.

I know and understand step family statistics, most don't survive, especially where kids are involved. Peace in our marriage would come if I could get dh to realize the burden I'm carrying. How many couples do you know where the WIFE carries the insurance for her husband? Or their family? I can only think of three couples where the wife is supporting her husband in this way. The husband is the head of the home, biblically it's the husbands responsibility to care for, provide for his family. What makes it my responsibility? Because I'm a Step mom? Good grief.

Have you considered using the Marriage Building Coaching to work with you and your husband directly, to help you integrate the POJA into your lives?

The main issues you have raised in your marriage are:

1. You do not follow the POJA
and
2. Your husband is not meeting your emotional need for financial stability

The solution we have to offer you is the Policy of Joint Agreement. You and your spouse need to be in enthusiastic agreement in the solutions you seek in marriage. There is little point in commiserating with you so that you can reinforce your resentment over things. It doesn't matter what others have done. It doesn't matter if your husband shows appreciation for your sacrifices or not. What matters is that you need to seek win-win solutions to these problems. As long as you persist in thinking that either you lose or he loses, you aren't going to get there.

I am a blended family of 7 and we are in a very loving, integrated marriage. We use POJA for everything.

Yes I've carried the insurance for my whole family of 7.

I strongly recommend you introduce your H to MB. If you've been following all these other websites and books no wonder you sound like you're very stressed out from your sacrifices and I'm sure your H feels it.

Have you heard back from Dr. Harley?

I agree I think such a situation is very unusual and I wouldn't desire it if it were me. But if you want to keep your marriage, it's important to express your feelings about it non-judgmentally to your husband: you aren't okay with this, it bothers you, you don't want this responsibility. Leave out the language about what is right and wrong, how outlandish the situation, "good grief" or any other exclamations, what the Bible says, etc. I am a firm literal Bible believer but lecturing a spouse from the Bible is a sure sign to marital failure, not marital happiness.

I would tell your husband that you want a lifestyle change and you want to adopt a rule together that you don't do anything unless you are both enthusiastic. You are not enthusiastic about paying for this, so you won't continue to pay for it - and you stop. Then he is going to have to decide how he is going to respond.

I come from a stepfamily! And while my wife and I are not a stepfamily, we used to be a marriage with a LOT of fighting. Serious enough I was out of the house for awhile. Not to mention other problems.

And with the program here, we turned that around and are very happy.

We can teach you how to stop fighting and how to rebuild your marriage so that the problems you are bringing up are ELIMINATED. Does that appeal to you? There is a plan here which can achieve that for your marriage. Dr. Harley has worked with many stepfamilies, and many if not most of the people we've seen on this site are in a stepfamily situation.

I don't think ANYONE can perfectly understand what you are going through, even if they are personally in a stepfamily situation. Not many wives have been forced to pay insurance on their stepkids against their will, for example. But I don't think harping on how much people understand your feelings will help you much. Even if we can't totally feel the pain you are going through, we can help teach you how to eliminate the things that are causing you pain.

Peace in your marriage will come when you have an integrated marriage. You get that by using the POJA. Have you read about it?

Several, actually.

But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that YOU don't want to do that. So you and your husband need to find a different solution TOGETHER. And you need to do that respectfully. He is not going to be motivated to change anything if he must face disrespect such as "Good grief."

Please read up on disrespectful judgements, demands, and the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). Let us know what you think.

What do you think he would do if he realized that? It is entirely possible he would realize it and do nothing - and I'm betting then you still wouldn't feel any better.

Focus on being able to explain exactly what you want your husband to do differently, rather than what you want him to feel or understand. A married couple may never understand each other perfectly but can still change their behavior together so that they please each other instead of bothering each other. (This is Biblical - please see 1 Corinthians 7.)

What do you want your husband to do differently?

I know what I would suggest that you do differently: I would say, STOP carrying your step children on your insurance. It is making you very resentful. It is much easier to change behavior than it is to change your feelings about a behavior. So stop doing what is hurting you so badly.

Thank you for answering but I have one more question...

Was your H always self employed and you have always carried the insurance or at the time of marriage did he have employer benefits and the situation changed later?

ETA: one more...

Is this your first marriage?

Did you hear Dr.Harley answer your letter on the show yesterday?

No I didn't hear the program.

My husband was self employed when we got married. He has had jobs with benefits, but since I've known him he has not worked for any one else. I love him, he's a very hard worker and he can build anything. There's an old saying that a person can take a sows ear and turn it into a silk purse. He can do that. He can take a building that is falling in and make it like new. He's very talented, but every time when I've brought up this topic he gets defensive. I mentioned it dec 31st that I know longer wanted the responsibility. I didn't accuse, I wasn't angry. I simply stated this fact and he got mad and said, I thought it was our money. You act like it's your money. You act like there's a separation, etc etc. he ranted and I got up to leave the house and he followed me to the car ranting on and on. I can't talk to him about this. I've tried several times. I would be ok if we both had insurance and were contributing equally, but this isn't the case.

Yes I've carried the insurance since the beginning of our marriage. Unfortunately this wasn't something the pastor who married us counseled us on. It was never brought up. Two years ago my dh broke his ankle and didn't work for two months. This is when things really hit me. He had no income. Normally if a person needed time off from a job, you'd still get paid. This isn't the case and I really felt burdened and realized then the load I'm carrying.

Is there a link, Prisca? I'd like to listen. Thanks

Not yet, but since it was Friday's show it should be replaying all weekend on the "listen now".

Thanks BH. I found it and listened to the clip.

I agree that POJA needs to be followed but I also do not think lovechicken gave Dr. H the whole story either...important details were missing.

Thanks for answering and I did listen to the radio clip.

It seems like you have more of a case of buyer's remorse IMO. This goes far beyond medical insurance. From what you have written, it appears you do not want to be financial integrated in any way. You shot down the prospect of having him reimburse you for the insurance premiums and don't seem open to any other options other than he gets private insurance or a job with benefits.

I understand why you are not happy lovechickens, but you also don't seem open to other options either. If your delivery to H is like this, I can see why he responds as he does. Also, if you keep bringing up that his children aren't yours (he knows this) in a disrespectful way, that is not going to go over well either.

I am not saying you should suck it up and continue to be unhappy about the situation but you also don't seem open to much discussion either...and sorry to say but as a parent...to hear you repeatedly telling him his children aren't yours (or your problem - implied) and that his DD read that as well makes you sound kind of cold.

I think perhaps your delivery to H needs work. I would be happy to make some suggestions to you but if he only has two choices I don't see much hope here.

lovechickens, did you listen to the show yet? Dr Harley essentially told you to stop paying for the insurance. That will motivate your husband to find other options.

Yes I listened to it. Should I have dh listen? I do agree with enthusiastic agreement. If I drop them it will motivate him to do other options? I don't think it would. My husband doesn't like insurance. He has two trucks for work and neither one is insured. I think he would be resentful if I dropped them. Kind of like the resentment I have with carrying it. I need to share mb. And get him to listen to the audio book he wins she wins.

Yes you do.

lovechickens, why did you marry this man? Is financial support a high EN for you?

The danger here is not HIS resentment, but YOURS. Your resentment level is reaching danger levels NOW. He will only be "resentful" until he finds new insurance for them. And he may decide not to do that. That is his choice, not yours.

I would do as Dr Harley suggested and cancel the insurance. Or perhaps give him 30 days to obtain another policy and then cancel it.


They are his children and it is his right to not insure them if he "doesn't like insurance." He is the parent so this is his issue, not yours.

I think financial support is a high emotional need for me. I grew up in poverty and a single parent home, and the fact that my husband has no benefits is troubling. I asked him once what is he going to live on after retirement. Most people have a pension. He doesn't.

Are you going to follow Dr. Harley's suggestion?

Exactly.

If you have a high EN for financial support then why did you marry him?

I think this is the answer!

I would like my husband to listen to the program and then we'll discuss it. Every time I've brought this up he's gotten defensive. I'm planning on giving him a time frame and then I'll discontinue the insurance from him and my step kids

If my en is high for financial support, why did I marry him? He makes a decent living, he just doesn't have any benefits. He's a hard worker. Would give the shirt off his back for anyone. Once he drove a guy 60 miles to catch a bus, whom he didn't even know! He has a good heart. He can fix just about anything and is generally generous. But for some reason he doesn't think insurance is important. Like I said in an earlier poet, he has two trucks and neither one is insured, which is illegal in our state. I recently saw someone had gotten a ticket for not having insurance on their vehicle and the fine was over 300. He's a good dad. Is sensible. He doesn't drink. He's faithful to the core. Is a family man. Most of the time he's helpful. We had a progressive dinner and he washed the kitchen floor for me before I got home from work. There aren't many men who'd do what he does, but like I said, he has a hang up,in regards to insurance, and doesn't believe it's necessary.

Is that okay?

Lovechickens,

My concern if I were in your shoes would include the financial risk your husband is putting your whole family in by avoiding insurance.

If one of those trucks is involved in an accident, potential liability could be huge with no insurance buffer.

If he chooses no health insurance for his kids and himself, you are going to also be financially impacted if unexpected large medical costs occur.

That won't be an issue if she is not married anymore. And that is where they are headed right now with the level of resentment over this issue. Dr Harley told her to cancel the insurance and that is what she needs to do.

Here it is.
Radio Clip of lovechicken's Show

Emilyann,
I agree with you. I threatened last year to drop the insurance, but then I worry, the what ifs creep in, what if someone needs surgery? It would cost tens of thousands. One surgery or catastrophe can literally wipe out a family. He also has a motorcycle, not insured. Tonight I witnessed an accident in our town which involved a motorcycle and a car. He always says he's a good driver, but it only takes a split second, slippery road, bad tires etc, to cause a crash.

Lovechickens,

Just to clarify, I didn't mean you should put up with the status quo, because you are not enthusiastic about it. I think you need to negotiate to find a win-win solution for you both. Strong recommendation for Dr Harley's book "He Wins, She Wins". If your husband will not agree to follow POJA, that won't work, and your only alternative may be to legally end things.

Have you read "He Wins, She Wins"?

Dr. Harley frequently says on his radio show that blended family issues are the hardest, as I think your newer post about your stepson illustrates. But, you should not think, "I'm just the stepmother, what can I do?" POJA is the answer.

I expect you will think that your husband will never agree to POJA. Do you think he might be willing to do the course with you, or read the book, or maybe talk to Dr Steve Harley (dr. Harley's son) for phone counseling? Do you think if you let him know that it would take an agreement to POJA all issues for your marriage to survive, he would consider one of those approaches?

I don't see how your marriage can survive happily without an agreement on POJA.

One addition to my reply above. I think Dr. Harley would not suggest any threats, as those would be selfish demands. So the conversation is not, "if you don't agree to POJA, I'm leaving"

It is, "DH, I am very unhappy about carrying the insurance for stepchildren. are you willing to negotiate with me to come up with a solution we both can be happy with?" If the answer is no, he won't negotiate, talking to a lawyer about legally separating your finances (before dropping the insurance) might be wise and protect you financially.

The difference is that that is not a threat, but is instead a logical consequence of his actions.

Other conversations might include. "DH, I am unhappy about the financial risk we are taking by having uninsured vehicles, I would like us to negotiate something that protects us financially. "

And, "DH, I am not happy about current living arrangement with 18 yo son, let's negotiate a plan to deal with this."

EmilyAnn, you don't understand the POJA. She is not in enthusiastic agreement about carrying the insurance. The default position with the POJA is always to do nothing. You don't continue doing the thing that makes you unhappy and adding insult to injury. You STOP.

Dr Harley told her to cancel the insurance and we need to stick with what he advised.

LC, if you need clarification on Dr Harley's position, you can listen to the radio clip again. Thanks for posting it, Brainhurts!

In my experience, when someone who doesn't have insurance gets hurt, they are usually given hefty discounts out of charity.

Emily, stop scaring her into not following Dr. Harley's advice.

If he doesn't want to provide insurance for his kids, that's okay.

***EDIT***

Prisca,

I'm not trying to convince LC to not follow Dr. Harley's advice
***EDIT***

And what if she follows Dr Harley's advice and drops the insurance like he suggested? Manufacturing frightening hypotheticals does not resolve the problem.

Dr Harley spent his personal time analyzing her situation and giving her his professional advice. I don't think he expected to be contradicted on his own forum.

Maybe you didn't have time to listen to the whole show and lovechicken's segment? So here is just the segment of lovechicken's question so you can hear Dr. Harley's advice.

Radio Clip of lovechicken's question

Great advice. Thanks I'll try it.

I agree I feel if I dropped the insurance I'd really be over a barrel. He doesn't want to negotiate. I told him what dr Hayley said. He went ballistic. He was driving our car. Slammed on the brakes swerved to the side of the road and lectured me on my attitude, how selfish I was being, how hard he works. Etc, I didn't say anything. I just told him he doesn't know where I'm coming from and doesn't know I feel He said he was going to walk home 8 mikes. Which he didn't. He got back in the car and lectured me some more. He has an anger issue. I can't talk to him.

I see that you are going to be over a barrel if you don't drop the insurance and stop tolerating his angry outbursts. Your problems cannot be resolved if he is angry and Dr Harley would tell you to separate until he gets himself under control. By staying in such an abusive situation you are endangering yourself and setting yourself up for years of resentment.

I agree. He needs to get into anger management.
What to do with an Angry Husband

I've been doing a lot of thinking since I first posted this. It isn't about the money, but more on the lack of emotional support. My step daughter had to get her wisdom teeth out this summer. The statements came, and my husband throughs a fit...why do we even have insurance?.....all insurance is the same.....they don't pay for anything...etc, etc....he goes on and on and on and on...if he were providing it and griped about it, it wouldn't bother me because the noose would be around his neck. Instead it's around mine. I'm the one providing it for my husband and his kids. I have no parental rights either... If they needed medical attention I can't sign for them...yet I'm providing this.

What is he doing about his anger?

You were advised by Dr. Harley to stop paying for their insurance. Are you going to do that?

He's not doing anything about his angry outbursts. Yes I'm planning on next summer, once step kids are no longer minors

Why are you waiting till then when it causes you so much resentment?
Why are you putting up with him doing nothing about his anger?

This is nothing new. You tolerate this behavior.

Why do you continue to live like this?

Thanks I read the part on dealing with a husband who's angry. I have been going to counseling, and she suggested I leave the house when he gets this way. The last time I brought up,the insurance issue, he slammed on the breaks, said I was selfish, he was sick and tired of my attitude and he was going to walk home. I should have left him walk home, but we were 10 miles away. I sat in the car and realized how immature he was acting as well as out of control. I waited a wile then I drove the car by him...he continued to,rant. He finally calmed down. Dr Harley said this is why we don't resolve conflict. Until he gets help for his anger, we can't have a healthy relationship. I've recognized it as well as his verbal abuse. If things don't improve my plan is to move on with my life. I really don't care to be married to him anymore. I haven't told him this, but I think he's realizing it as I keep,to myself most of the time. I told a pastor who counseled us 2 years ago that I couldn't talk to him. I wish I could. Sometime I wonder if it's my approach. Not sure.

I guess I'm an eternal optimist. I keep hoping and praying that God will change his heart and convict him. It hasn't happened. I'm giving up hope.

I'll never marry again.

Why are you putting up with him doing nothing about his anger?

What is filsil? I read that on how do deal with an angry husband. I don't know what to do.

Was it in regards to a book? Fall in Love Stay in Love By Dr. Harley.

I'm a step mom. My husband and I rarely are on the same page. Recently my 18 year old step daughter asked if she could use our car 3 days a week to school. My husband said he was ok with it. She asks me and I say...I need to talk to your dad. Which she replies .....he already said it was ok. So if I say I disagree then they are both mad at me, and if I go,along with what they want then I'm unhappy. We own the car, we pay for the insurance, license and upkeep, and the bus is free which picks her up and drops her off.
I suggested to my DH that we sell it to her, which he replies....your controlling. It's a headache and a huge hassle that I don't want to deal with anymore. Any suggestions? We struggle with resolving conflict. We aren't in agreement.

Have you read the information on Blended families?

Why don't your DH discuss these things before responding to your DSD18?

I have three children and am remarried to someone that has none. So I am in the same position as your DH.

If one of my children asks me for something, however small, I always respond with 'I first need to discuss this with DH'. It has become such a mantra that now they always start with 'I know you will need to discuss this first . . .'

It took a while for this habit to become ingrained and DH had to complain to me a few times when I slipped up but now they appreciate his input because he is so rational and fair. I love the way in which he takes the time to think about each issue. He is more objective than I am and it saves me from making mistakes!

lc, this is basically a new iteration of the same problem that you first came here with. The problem is that when we give you the MB answer to this basic problem, you do not act on the advice, abandon the thread, and then come back with the same issue in another form.

The basic, and monumental problem you face is that your H does not put you and your marriage first. He does not agree to use, or see the rightness of using, POJA as a first principle. POJA is the way of reaching agreements that ensures that neither spouse gains at the expense of, or regardless of the interests of, the other. Where matters concerning his children arise, that would mean his making no decisions until and unless the two of you first come to an enthusiastic agreement about the course of action.

Your H's refusal to POJA is compounded by his temper. He will use angry outbursts and terror to intimidate you into shutting up, both during the immediate discussion and as a threat in the longer term. You can do nothing unless your H stops his angry, aggressive behaviour once and for all, and also negotiates and discusses issues with you before he reaches agreements with his children.

The first version of this problem was over your H's demand that you put him and his children on your insurance policy, while he refused to insure anything - even the vehicles he drives. The next was over his son treating your home like a hotel, losing his license and expecting lifts whenever he needed, and stealing from your bank account into the bargain. The next was over his allowing his daughter to use your car, which you didn't want, and when she is entitled to a free bus ride to school, and now there is this.

You have said several times that you want to move out, and once, that you were actually moving out, but I can see that you don't want to do that. However, you recognise the problem for yourself; your H won't take you into account when it comes to an issue with his kids, and you do not know how to get him on board with POJA. You also recognise no that his two previous divorces were not all those wives' fault, as he claims. The truth is, he has no intention of doing what it takes to have a happy marriage.

Well, the sad answer is that there is no magic way to get him on board with POJA. Your attempts to negotiate are met with bullying and aggression. He refuses to read a Harley book and he refuses to listen to you when you tell him why you are unhappy.

You have tried for a long time, using Dr H's recommendations on negotiating, to get him on board with taking you into consideration, and he will not. There remain only two choices: to put up with the situation, accepting that it is not likely to change, or separate.

You could separate with a view to dating and maintaining your marriage until the children are out of the home, and until you see consistent, sustained, extraordinary care of you (POJA), or you can separate with a view to calling it a day. However, separation, with one aim or the other, is the only way to sotp this abuse.

Dr. Harley comments that when he coaches a couple they will see rapid improvement if they follow his plan, which actually works, so when he sees people who fail to follow the assignments, "I focus on their failure rather than on the marital problems themselves, until they comply."

This is what I am seeing here. You spoke to Dr. Harley last year and you spoke to us as well and got some great things to do that would have made your situation better, but didn't follow the suggestions, so here you are a year later and nothing is better.

Dr. Harley has a plan here for women who are in your situation. Follow it and you will be able to dig yourself out of this misery! If you don't - well, we're going to talk about that fact.

Why won't you follow the suggestions?

I'm on board...husband is not this is the problem. You can't change people, they have to want to change. He doesn't see the problem...Is blind.

Very good advice. I keep praying for a miracle. I have a health issue right now that I'm dealing with. I need surgery next week.once that is dealt with maybe my head will be clearer to deal with marriage issues. Right now I'm overwhelmed with everything going on.

You don't seem to be on board with Dr. Harley's plan for a wife whose husband is not on board.

We will be praying for your surgery and for a clear head for you.

One thing Dr. Harley sometimes suggests is to ask your doctor about prescribing short term antidepressants. This gives you a boost in clarity when you may most need it, to help you see what needs to be done and stay unemotional enough to do it.

I did it myself around Christmas three years ago - best decision I ever made. Only lasted a few months.

Please listen to these clips.
Radio Clip on Step Parents
Segment 2