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I've been a stepmom for over 9 years and we still struggle. I did the audio book...he wins, she wins and it was great. It all makes sense, but when you live with a man who's knee jerk reaction is to be defensive, it makes for a difficult marriage. I did write a letter the beginning of the week to him instead of talking about ONE issue I have...I decided to tackle one issue at a time so not to overwhelm him. Also...we have had ongoing issues with my stepson...he is 18 and recently lost his license due to making poor choices. He can't drive for 6 months...now what. We'll have to cart him around and a lot of that might fall on my shoulders. I've already decided I'm going to say no when I simply can't drive him...I do love my stepkids, but the love isn't reciprocal which makes for strained relationships. any suggestions are welcome.
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I've been a stepmom for over 9 years and we still struggle. I did the audio book...he wins, she wins and it was great. It all makes sense, but when you live with a man who's knee jerk reaction is to be defensive, it makes for a difficult marriage. I did write a letter the beginning of the week to him instead of talking about ONE issue I have...I decided to tackle one issue at a time so not to overwhelm him. Also...we have had ongoing issues with my stepson...he is 18 and recently lost his license due to making poor choices. He can't drive for 6 months...now what. We'll have to cart him around and a lot of that might fall on my shoulders. I've already decided I'm going to say no when I simply can't drive him...I do love my stepkids, but the love isn't reciprocal which makes for strained relationships. any suggestions are welcome. First, I suggest you hit NOTIFY and ask the moderators to move your thread to Marriage Building 101 forum. Everything in marriage must revolve around the Policy of Joint Agreement; whatever decisions are made by you and your husband should be made enthusiastically. Harley has a lot of experience in working with blended families and recommends that all discipline is done by the biological parent....the type of discipline is to be decided jointly using the POJA. He recommends step parents just try to be good friends with the step children
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Why can't stepson walk, ride a bike, take a bus, etc? If he had his license suspended, he can figure it out. Is the 18 yr old stepson, the only child in the house?
Welcome to MB.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Why can't stepson walk, ride a bike, take a bus, etc? If he had his license suspended, he can figure it out. Is the 18 yr old stepson, the only child in the house? This SS needs some character building. Facing consequences is a good tool to do so. Also the unintended health benefits from the exercise.
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The issue isn't how we feel the stepson should behave.
The issue is that in a marriage the POJA should be followed.
Dr. Harley encourages step parents to be friends with the step children and to allow the natural parent to do all disciplining.
However, the rules and type of discipline should be negotiated using the POJA.
The marriage and the POJA must come before the interests of the children (except for safety or health reasons)
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I am a step mom. It has bothered me for years that I carry the insurance for my step kids and my husband. I've tried to talk to him and he gets defensive and says I thought it was our money. He doesn't understand. They aren't my kids. I feel used and taken advantaged of. Any advice is welcome.
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I am a step mom. It has bothered me for years that I carry the insurance for my step kids and my husband. I've tried to talk to him and he gets defensive and says I thought it was our money. He doesn't understand. They aren't my kids. I feel used and taken advantaged of. Any advice is welcome. Do you know what POJA (policy of Joint Agreement) is? Why doesn't he carry the insurance?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Dh is self employed and he doesn't have any benefits.
If we did the policy of joint agreement he would find an excuse or say I'm trying to pick an argument. A pastor who has counseled us too said if it's a source of contention, then we need to come up with a different plan. He's unwilling to do this.
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lovechickens, This is what I posted to you in February when you first posted here; Unfortunately you didn't reply to any of the posts. If you would like to have a loving, romantic marriage with your husband you can do so if you both commit to following the guidelines in His Needs Her Needs. Other more experienced posters can help you accomplish this but you will need to respond to their posts and do what they suggest (which will be based on Dr. Harley's methods). Are you willing to do this? I've been a stepmom for over 9 years and we still struggle. I did the audio book...he wins, she wins and it was great. It all makes sense, but when you live with a man who's knee jerk reaction is to be defensive, it makes for a difficult marriage. I did write a letter the beginning of the week to him instead of talking about ONE issue I have...I decided to tackle one issue at a time so not to overwhelm him. Also...we have had ongoing issues with my stepson...he is 18 and recently lost his license due to making poor choices. He can't drive for 6 months...now what. We'll have to cart him around and a lot of that might fall on my shoulders. I've already decided I'm going to say no when I simply can't drive him...I do love my stepkids, but the love isn't reciprocal which makes for strained relationships. any suggestions are welcome. First, I suggest you hit NOTIFY and ask the moderators to move your thread to Marriage Building 101 forum. Everything in marriage must revolve around the Policy of Joint Agreement; whatever decisions are made by you and your husband should be made enthusiastically. Harley has a lot of experience in working with blended families and recommends that all discipline is done by the biological parent....the type of discipline is to be decided jointly using the POJA. He recommends step parents just try to be good friends with the step children
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I understand that discipline of step kids should be by the bio parent, but I'm not talking about disciplining the kids. I posted that I don't want to carry my step kids on my insurance! There's definitely a double standard. I pay thousands for insurance, but I have no say In anything! Bah.
Last edited by lovechickens; 07/30/14 10:16 PM.
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I'm sorry I didn't reply. There is a double standard being a step parent. All the responsibility, but no appreciation.
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Also...it takes two to make a good marriage. I agree with marriage builders concepts, but if your spouse is against it, there is no he wins she wins! We attended retrouivalle, and I love their method of dialogue, but again, my husband isn't on board. He doesn't care to do the work, and I'm left feeling frustrated and left out.
Last edited by lovechickens; 07/30/14 10:23 PM.
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Do you object to providing the health insurance for your husband?
Typically, you get to choose just Individual coverage or Family coverage.
With Family coverage, All other eligible family members are included.
So, does it cist you anything extra to add on the children if you would already have your husband covered?
LTL
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I understand that discipline of step kids should be by the bio parent, but I'm not talking about disciplining the kids. I posted that I don't want to carry my step kids on my insurance! There's definitely a double standard. I pay thousands for insurance, but I have no say In anything! Bah. Does your husband understand POJA?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 20,440 Likes: 4
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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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LC,
Is the biological mother still alive and does she pay child support?
God Bless
Gamma
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I really don't want to provide insurance for him either. Yeas it costs more to have a family pkg vs an individual package. The problem too is I'm 6 years older than my husband. If I continue to provide him insurance I'll have to work until I'm 71 years old, when he goes on Medicare.
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I really don't want to provide insurance for him either. Yeas it costs more to have a family pkg vs an individual package. The problem too is I'm 6 years older than my husband. If I continue to provide him insurance I'll have to work until I'm 71 years old, when he goes on Medicare. How did he provide insurance for them before you were married?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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