This is the briefest of summaries.
Married my not-yet WW in 2002.
We have two beautiful girls born in 2005 & 2008 (6 & 8 now).
I have a good job, am a faithful and present husband. I'm involved in our girls' daily lives - bathtime and bedtime are 99% of the time, solely my job.
I'm an attentive husband. We went through a phase where we weren't communicating well and there was some unresolved conflict, but we had regular and wonderful sex. We had regular date nights, and I would attempt to regularly engage her to talk about our marriage and how we could both do better. I was usually met with something minor or a generic comment about everything being fine.

WW quit her job in 2010 to stay home with our kids and go back to school online to get her degree.
In November 2012, WW admitted to me out of the blue that a guy she started out being online friends with him (OM1) and his wife had just been caught by his wife, carrying on an emotional affair with WW. She agreed to cease contact with him. I did occasionally check her texts, but never found anything incriminating.
In January 2013, I discovered text messages on her phone that she later admitted she intended to delete but had been so tired she forgot. In these, she was telling OM1 that she wanted to be with him, wished the two of them were single so they could be together, etc.. I confronted her with this, got angry, demanded NC. Sent OM text asking him to leave her alone. Blocked his cell # from our account, and stepped up surveillance.

WW switched tactics and created new Yahoo mail address that was kept secret from me. Used it to continue contact with OM and at some point began soliciting sex on Craigslist. She would meet these strangers in secluded area usually and have one-time sex with them. One of these became a regular: OM2 She also began a sex-only relationship with the father of one of our daughter's friends (divorced). This would sometimes occur in our home.

June 2013, I discovered her still logged into the e-mail account and found most recent e-mails were to OM2, and that she was planning to meet him that very day as soon as I left for work. This was an emotional and physical affair. She showered and dressed with the excuse that she was going to the store before it got crowded. I called her as she drove to her meeting and claimed to be ill and needed her to take me to the hospital. She returned home and I confronted her with my evidence (recorded it all, too).

She once again agreed to stop and close the e-mail address (I know, I'm an idiot...I didn't insist that I be involved). She got more careful, but left her FB logged in on her iPad as she talked to a friend using her phone. I found out she had been with OM2 again and once again I confronted her with added threat of divorce.

She was remorseful and agreed to stop, attend Individual Counselling and Marriage Counselling (once I was sure she was committed). I started reading about sex addiction and the betrayed spouse's trauma. I ignored any co-addict labels. I installed keylogger software on her PC and got her e-mail address and password. The day she was scheduled to meet her IC for the first time, she made plans to meet OM2 immediately following her session.

I called her on it when she let me know her session was over. She invited me to meet her immediately for lunch. We talked openly and she said she didn't think she would have gone through with it, that she wanted to call it off with him. I told her that I was going to close her e-mail account. She agreed to completely open communications and NC with anyone of those guys - especially OM2.

October 2013, she got a new job and almost immediately, told me she had sent OM2 an e-mail simply explaining why she'd ended things so suddenly. I was once again lulled to sleep and did not take immediate corrective action. She promised it was just the one time. I continued to check home e-mails, texts, phone logs, etc. I would ask her regularly if she was talking to any guys from work and she denied it.

I eventually got smart and enabled Verizon Integrated Messaging on her phone without her knowledge. I've since discovered that she's been in constant contact with OM2 since October and finally met him again for sex the week of Valentines, during her lunch break. I also discovered she had sex with one of her friend's husband while she was visiting her friend (while the friend was asleep downstairs). And I discovered she is planning to go to a concert with girl friends in May and meet up with our daughter's friend's father there.

WHEW!

I haven't confronted her about the most recent discoveries. I don't want to compromise my source just yet...

Writing all this out has made me realize exactly how many betrayals there have been...my God!

Despite all this, I love her. I cannot stand the thought of not being able to tuck my girls in at night. It kills me to consider divorce. I've always known I was meant to be a husband and father. This was my dream! I MUST to everything I can to save it before I can walk away and look myself in the mirror.

This site, MB is the first time I've found any advice that wasn't an immediate: FILE FOR DIVORCE!!!! Almost all members of other boards are from failed marriages. I desperately want to save mine.

As I see it, I need to expose her - to lift the veil of secrecy. This WILL break her heart, and she will get very angry...I will have to remove any weapons from the house. This is so hard for me - I've never done anything to intentionally hurt her in our entire marriage.

OM2 is not on FB. I don't even know his last name. I have an e-mail address, but that's it. I know he's military, but can't go to the IG with just a common first name and where he is posted.

I need to confront her and demand: she stop seeing other guys, NC with any former lover - for life, a way to check her work e-mails, and counselling?

Should I start separating our finances? This goes so deep, do I need to make real preparations that it will end? Do I leave and forfeit my quality time with my girls?

I'm stronger and wiser than I was a year ago. I couldn't have even contemplated this back then. I just need to work myself up and get it done, but I need some support.

What do I tell her? Does it make sense to tell my parents first and get their support?

Should I tell my girls before exposure, or after things have calmed down? I've thought about and plan to tell them something like, "when mommy and daddy got married, we made promises to only love each other, forever. Mommy hasn't kept her promises to me."

Should I find a good counselor first and get into therapy before I start the storm that's exposure will whip up?

HELP!

Garry I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

Dr. Harley would encourage you to first expose your wifes affairs and Craigslist encounters to family and friends. the OM family and friends should also be exposed to.
Your children should also be told the truth.

At this point you need to gather your evidence and an "exposure list" to of people to expose to. The exposures should be done in 1 day.

Please read this thread about Exposure and come back once you have your exposure list compiled:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

For your specific question of how to expose to your children, Dr. Harley would encourage you to be honest. Your proposal is very vague and confusing.

Dr. Harley would encourage you to explain in this manner: "Mommy is having an affair with other men and wants to break up our family to be with these men."

You can use an online investigation tool called Net Detective to do a reverse e-mail search on the OM's e-mail address to acquired his other information and full identity.

LTL

Hi Garry, welcome to marriage builders. I agree with the others that exposure is warranted. I would forego "therapy" at this time and focus on your marriage. Your wife is a dangerous individual to you and your children and I would strongly advise getting checked for STDs and filing for divorce in order to get primary custody of your girls. Your wife is reckless and can't be trusted to protect your girls.

"I've thought about and plan to tell them something like, "when mommy and daddy got married, we made promises to only love each other, forever. Mommy hasn't kept her promises to me."

That does not make any sense and they won't have the foggiest notion what you are talking about. Talking to children in riddles only confuses them.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Garry. It's sad you need to be here but the best place to get help for your marriage.

PLEASE do NOT leave your home! You are the only sane, responsible parent your little girls have right now and need to be there to protect & care for them. Bringing strange men into your home for sex is horribly dangerous for your girls.

Read Melody Lanes thread
EXPOSURE 101
and execute it yourself, sooner the better.
Get yourself tested for full range of STD's(with that many partners, you are at HIGH risk)
Meanwhile, be prepared for anger and wraith
You are being gaslighted like possible no other.
I would talk to an attorney and make preparations, nothing wrong with that, you can always cancel or stop
I maybe wrong, but serial adulterers are virtually impossible to change

Definitely do not leave your home. Clearly you are the parent the girls can count on. Fight for them with all your strength. Be their solid foundation.

Yes, separate the finances. I agree with Melodylane to file for divorce. We know you don't want to do. You are dealing with quite a mess, sorry.

Meanwhile, perhaps have no internet service at home (a gateway to your WW contacting other men).....she could still go to a library or to do so....but it makes it tougher in her spare time. She sounds like she has a lot of that.

Welcome to MB Garry.

I know you don't want to hear the word divorce, but that is what I would recommend. Recovery is already EXTREMELY hard, but serial cheaters are even more difficult to recover with. Your WW has a lifestyle of sportf%cking and deception.

Do not leave your house. Prepare to expose and start looking for an attorney. You need to know your rights. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation but I think divorce would be a success in your situation.

x 2

This is very vague and wishy-washy. My children were the same ages as yours when I exposed. I told them their father had commited adultery (and explained this more) and that we may not be married anymore...because that was the plain truth. They were told who the OP was by name and saw a picture of her. Do not be vague when you expose.

And Garry, WW is not back to her 'old ways'...she has been like this for YEARS. She never stopped cheating because she could and she wanted to.

I hope you come back to MB. Going from one forum/site to another, until you get the answer you want to hear is not going to help you. That people have advised divorce...there is a VERY GOOD REASON for it. There are steps you can take to recover YOUR LIFE...and there is a remote possibility your WW may be part of it but right now you need to accept your situation for what it is vs what you HOPE it is.

If you are a marriage at all cost kind of person, there won't be any site that can help you other than those that promote adultery and being a doormat.

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Garry,

I am glad you are here, but am sorry to hear about your situation. To be honest, it is a mess. The first bit of advice I will pass to you is to get down on your knees tonight and give thanks that your daughters still have a mother who is among the living! It may have been only the nth+1 solicited guy from Craigslist who beat your ww or worse to change the result.

Exposing her affair that you discovered back in 2010 could very well have prevented the situation from becoming more egregious. I understand that you did not know that exposure is a very effective tool back then

However, my concern after reading your story is that you seem to be seeking a 'one-stop-shop' advice source for your situation. I'm not familiar with other sites, but I can surmise that they rely on 'kicking the wayward spouse to the curb' and divorce solution because it's popular and accepted. Not so here, because it involves marriage building and there are tools to deal with infidelity as well as creating a loving marriage even after infidelity! Again however, from what I have seen here, the recommendation to not rush to divorce, and to rely on the MB program to recover a marriage pertains to situations where there is one affair and on AP (affair partner), and at the most two. From your story, your wife has had multiple OM's (OM1 and OM2, which you mentioned plus OM3, the father of your daughter's friend, plus OM4, the husband of her friend) plus unknown number of men solicited on Craigslist. You are married to a serial cheater and worse, so I am not surprised at the recommendations to file for divorce.

Garry, if I were you I would not put restoring my marriage to this woman at the top of my list! If I were you I would focus entirely on 1) protection of the welfare of the safety of your daughters while your ww invites men, other than their dad, into your home and bedroom for the sole purpose of sex, 2) shutting off internet access, taking away or shutting off cell phone access, 3) providing a simple cell phone to your oldest daughter with speed dial for your number or a trusted relative if she and her sister are exposed to an OM or feel threatened or uncomfortable, 4) Read the exposure thread and implement the exposure immediately, 5) separate your finances so you are not enabling and paying for her affairs at the expense of you and your daughters, 6) demand she take a polygraph so you have at LEAST some accurate info on her behavior over the last three years - it is obvious you should not believe or accept one word from her, and 7) contact Dr. Harley's office to get individual counseling for your situation, because it is very very abnormal.

Hope the best for you. However, it is up to you!

Tom

Garry,

In my post to you I forgot to include that I agree with the others here on filing for divorce. Please understand that filing does not mean you will end up divorced, and it is not in any way a method of vengeance or retribution. I have not gone through a divorce so I cannot speak from personal experience. However, from what I know, being the first to file may give you the advantage of grounds, custody (temporary), pace of the legal process, separation of finances, and residence in the marital home. You would have to consult with an attorney to verify in your situation. In my mind, the important aspect would be the custody and protection of your daughters.

Tom

Garry,
Sorry about your situation. You have a lot of decisions to make. You have received much good wisdom from the readers who post here. If you listen you will be much better off for it.

If you haven't read the articles on this site by Dr. Harley, please do. Read these links in particular:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

Get Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley also and make it a priority to read it.

You must make some big changes as you have been enabling your wife's waywardness. That is no way to live a marriage. Read about exposure from Melody Lane's signature line, and then come back so we can help you effectively expose ALL of your wife's affairs.

Read about Plan A and Plan B also.

You said you wanted to recover your marriage. That may be possible, though it will be a challenge with a serial cheater. But if you want to fight the good fight, we can guide you. Educate yourself and we will help you with Plan A.

Good luck.