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#2779374 01/29/14 10:12 PM
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Satuha Offline OP
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After taking a year off from dating, I've had ample time to study MB materials and work on getting myself prepared for dating again. With that included getting a new job, moving out on my absolute own, and becoming more involved in my church community. I've learned a lot, and am excited at the prospect of building a MB marriage.

That being said, I'm new to online dating, and I've been trying to glean some tips from others' threads. I'm hoping others on these boards can help me in navigating these waters clearly.

And so, the search begins...


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Alright!

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I've joined eHarmony, POF, Match, and ChristianMingle over the last couple days. Hoping this won't get me too overwhelmed.

I've found my emotional needs to be SF, PA, Admiration, Conversation, and DS. And I'm quite good at Honesty, Conversation, Affection, and Financial Support (with Family Commitment being something I can't really prove at this point, but I'm willing to learn if I'm lacking it)

I took cues from Jedi_Knight's thread and wrote up this description:

Quote:
I'm a full-time designer who doubles as a young adult leader in church, and loves how being responsible in life allows for creating a silly, fulfilling one within it! The weekends usually find me playing games with friends, attending concerts, watching movies, laughing, and sharing stories.

Do you like to spend your evenings winding down and sharing your day with your sweetheart? Are you looking for an honest, caring, affectionate, conversational man who is financially secure, loves Jesus, and is passionate about finding somebody he can partner with to share in life's adventures?

If so, then it would probably be worth sharing our current adventures over a cup of coffee. :-]


Let me know your thoughts or questions so far if you have any.


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Welcome & good luck!

Looking forward reading your adventures..;

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Yes! Please keep us updated! smile


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So far, the search online has been somewhat discouraging for this first week. This probably comes to no surprise for many of you here, but it's difficult to find quality women.

Of the four who do appear to be quality, I've sent them each a message but have yet to get a response from them, despite knowing they've been online during that time.

To some degree it worries me that perhaps I'm doing something wrong. What have your experiences been on this? Am I missing something vital? Or does this tend to be a pretty slow process with very few results?


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Originally Posted By: Satuha
So far, the search online has been somewhat discouraging for this first week. This probably comes to no surprise for many of you here, but it's difficult to find quality women.

Of the four who do appear to be quality, I've sent them each a message but have yet to get a response from them, despite knowing they've been online during that time.

To some degree it worries me that perhaps I'm doing something wrong. What have your experiences been on this? Am I missing something vital? Or does this tend to be a pretty slow process with very few results?

Satuha, welcome to MB and the world of online dating! I think it's harder for men than for women (men pursue, and the best women are often overwhelmed with men pursuing them).

A couple of questions:

- Do you have at least a couple of photos on your profile? This is important to women: if there's no photo I think "married," "hideous," or "axe murderer."

- Is your profile upbeat and positive? Is it an accurate reflection of your best self? If a man's profile says ANYTHING negative (i.e. "I'm tired of being lonely" or "Where are all the good women" or "I can't believe I've lowered myself to dating online!") I pass him up quickly.

- Are the emails you send, personal? If a man writes to me but just says, "I like your profile," I ignore him or say "no thank you." He could have sent the same email to 50 women...However, if he says something specific about my profile, then I will respond.

- Are you writing to lots of women, or just the "four most gorgeous" on the sites? Remember, the prettiest ones get hundreds of emails per day...perhaps you could broaden your nets?

- Please define what you mean by "Quality women." I wonder that out of 4 dating sites, you've only found 4 "Quality" women. Unless you live in Nome, Alaska. And if so, you have my sympathies. wink


"When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out."
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I am not an experienced internet dater at all...
But I've had 3 dates out of 4 e-mails I send out myself the last year and a half.

These women did NOT have pictures of themselves online, but had an interesting profile text instead.

I picked up on these text.

for example:

- One girl had a profile picture of an Asian soup dish.
I replied I know that soup is Thai & is called Tom Yam, but that it is was a variant I did not know yet. "What is it called?"
Added I like to cook Asian food & love Thailand.
BINGO!

- one girl had a part of a poem as a profile text.
I copy & pasted the poem in google & replied the rest of the poem.
BINGO!

- One girl wrote she worked in the capital at the bureau for immigration & that she has to vent a lot about her job. Said I have a friend working at immigration aswell. I know how heavy the job can be & I don't mind having conversations about work as I need to vent aswell
BINGO!

When meeting these girls on a date, they all said I was the first date. (maybe I am naieve) That they had a lot of garbage mail on these datingsites.

I don't even bother to e-mail girls that have good looking pictures...

And guess what: these women without a picture were good looking aswell.



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Originally Posted By: Zhamila
- Do you have at least a couple of photos on your profile? This is important to women: if there's no photo I think "married," "hideous," or "axe murderer."


Yes, I generally have around five photos of myself. Headshot, Suit & tie outside shot, with a male friend for a 5K run, at work with business casual wear, group friends shot, and something silly such as a helping do an improv puppet show for the kids at church.

Originally Posted By: Zhamila
- Is your profile upbeat and positive? Is it an accurate reflection of your best self? If a man's profile says ANYTHING negative (i.e. "I'm tired of being lonely" or "Where are all the good women" or "I can't believe I've lowered myself to dating online!") I pass him up quickly.


I posted my profile description near the start of this thread, and feel pretty good about it, though I suppose I could expand on it. Let me know what you feel it may be lacking from a reader's perspective.

Originally Posted By: Zhamila
- Are the emails you send, personal? If a man writes to me but just says, "I like your profile," I ignore him or say "no thank you." He could have sent the same email to 50 women...However, if he says something specific about my profile, then I will respond.


Yes, I generally say hello, explain what about their profile really stood out to me (their faith, humor, outlook on life, job, etc), and mention some common interests of ours that seem promising. Then I either ask them a follow-up question such as "I'd love to hear more about your faith what have you been learning lately?" or asking them if they'd like to meet for coffee sometime to talk about life.

Originally Posted By: Zhamila
- Are you writing to lots of women, or just the "four most gorgeous" on the sites? Remember, the prettiest ones get hundreds of emails per day...perhaps you could broaden your nets?


This is a difficult question for me, and I'm open to suggestions. PA is definitely a top EN for me, if not the top. So while I feel it would be easier to get a date by asking out women I don't find as attractive, I'm leery about even agreeing to dates in which my EN already feels lacking. It seems like I would be coming at it from the wrong angle. Is that poor logic to be using?

Originally Posted By: Zhamila
- Please define what you mean by "Quality women." I wonder that out of 4 dating sites, you've only found 4 "Quality" women. Unless you live in Nome, Alaska. And if so, you have my sympathies. wink


Well, by now I've found more women, and have initiated a number of 'smiles' and messages. It's probably more around 8-15 at this point, but being near Portland, OR it seems like it should be a tad easier than it currently feels.

But to define quality, I would say a very attractive Christian woman in her 20's who lives within 25-50 miles, has a positive personality and outlook on life, and isn't too extreme about loving the outdoors with high-energy activities.


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Originally Posted By: geroldmodel
I don't even bother to e-mail girls that have good looking pictures...

And guess what: these women without a picture were good looking as well.


I tend to avoid profiles that don't have pictures... Women lacking a photo make me feel as though they don't really consider my needs very important, or they're trying to hide something.

Is the goal to simply go on 30 dates no matter who they are? Because I could easily do that, but it seems like I'd just be wasting everyone's time.

I have to admit, this sounds like an odd strategy, geroldmodel has it been working for you in terms of landing someone you want to be exclusive with?


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Thanks for the response, Satuha! Sounds like you're doing everything you can possibly do.

Originally Posted By: Satuha
This is a difficult question for me, and I'm open to suggestions. PA is definitely a top EN for me, if not the top. So while I feel it would be easier to get a date by asking out women I don't find as attractive, I'm leery about even agreeing to dates in which my EN already feels lacking. It seems like I would be coming at it from the wrong angle. Is that poor logic to be using?

This is good logic - if PA is important, then there's no need to approach a woman you don't find attractive. I'll only add two things about this:

1. The most attractive women receive dozens of emails per day, from men of all ages. It can be exhausting, and these ladies have many choices. Just know that it may be harder to break through.

2. Some women just aren't photogenic. For example, my profile pics aren't bad, but I definitely make a good impression in person (I hear this over and over from men on first dates). In fact, I "hide" the sexier parts of my figure on purpose, because I don't want to attract men who are just interested in my body. You might consider someone who doesn't seem 'perfect' to you...you may be surprised!

Originally Posted By: Satuha
But to define quality, I would say a very attractive Christian woman in her 20's who lives within 25-50 miles, has a positive personality and outlook on life, and isn't too extreme about loving the outdoors with high-energy activities.

Sounds good. Are you "very attractive" too? I'm assuming you are. wink When I have the choice between men with similar personalities, I'll pick the cuter one every time.

I've heard from men that it is very difficult to capture a lady's attention on dating websites. These guys send 10-50 emails per day just to get a date every couple of weeks. It's tough! And the men I've dated are (by and large) good guys!

...I have a feeling you'll break through soon!


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Originally Posted By: Satuha
Is the goal to simply go on 30 dates no matter who they are? Because I could easily do that, but it seems like I'd just be wasting everyone's time.

It's good to be selective about the 30 dates: if something's a deal-breaker (like drug use, etc), then keep your standards.

However, I've heard from more experienced posters that people should broaden their idea of "attractive," because people are often surprised with whom they ultimately fall in love.

You know what you can handle, how "broad" you can go. But I would definitely encourage you to push the boundaries...if nothing else, you'll meet some interesting ladies and learn more about women!

...I'm hoping for some tattoo-artist stories...


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Quick couple of updates:

My friends recently gave me a number of friend referrals (the church community is pretty much tuning into my adventures), and I felt like NATASHA had great potential, so I asked her out to coffee and she agreed! Once the snowpocalypse settles down around us, we'll actually schedule a time to meet.

I also asked HANNAH to coffee, who is someone I've seen at church for quite some time but have never really gotten to know. She was recommended to me, but she tends to be a bit elusive in crowds. There are things about her I really like, but would simply like to get to know her first. So far, she hasn't responded.

SANDRA is the first girl to respond back to me on ChristianMingle with mutual interest. Said I "sparked her interest as well" and inquired about my leadership involvement at church. She thanked me for being considerate to the fact I had asked her out to coffee but also offered to chat through ChristianMingle first if she would prefer. She preferred the latter and even mentioned switching to Facebook messaging instead. She was the only girl I had given a 'coffee or messaging' option so far (usually I simply ask them to coffee), so it makes me wonder if I should always give girls this option?

Looking forward to seeing where this first set of stories lead.


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That's great news! Sounds like you've got some adventures ahead of you. smile

As to 'coffee or messaging' - it never hurts to give those options - we ladies are all different! I personally like it when he shows interest in meeting me fairly soon in the process. I mean, we message a bit first, but I enjoy knowing that his interest is high, rather than "yawn...I guess I'll get around to meeting fugly someday."

I'm always careful to meet in a familiar, public place, and my friends all know where I am. I like to do coffee or a drink (1 hour, < $10 = no pressure).

Can't wait to hear the updates! smile


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Went on my first date today with NATASHA, so I've officially entered the ring. We chatted over coffee for about 50min. She seemed pleasant enough, but I found conversation to be a bit difficult - she didn't inquire too much into my life, and I found myself having to keep the conversation moving. She wasn't particularly great at meeting my needs, so I don't have a lot of incentive to meet up again.

HANNAH finally responded to me (ironically 30min after this date ended) and said she'd be up for getting together.

SANDRA is still carrying on conversation with me, though she moved it to Facebook via her own friend request. She seems pretty great, but it takes her a number of days to respond back. We'll see if it goes anywhere, but her responses have been quite robust and full of great information. She seems like a wonderful girl.

One last thing, I locked eyes with a barista at a coffee place just the other day and I was thoroughly attracted to her, to the point where it was hard for me to think clearly. I'm considered very logical (almost to a fault) by all of my friends, so the fact that I had to really find a way to compose myself and remind myself what it takes to act normal was a great sign. I worked up the nerve to comment on how I liked her pink boots (it was Valentine's Day), followed up with light conversation about if she survived the recent snow-storm, and then boom - asked her to coffee. She seemed very flattered and agreed. Gave me her number. How exciting!

Her name is EMMA, and I asked her then if she'd be up for getting together that day, but didn't want V-Day to pressure her, but she said she couldn't. I texted her a couple hours later, but she has yet to respond (it's been 24hrs at this point). I'll probably try giving her a call soon and see if I can't figure out what the reality is.

So far so good! 1 down and 29 to go!


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Updates:

Met for coffee with HANNAH, who I had great pleasure in talking with! She comes across as a bit reserved and introverted (I'm told she is 3x pickier than me), but she definitely seemed to warm up, feel comfortable, and conversation flowed quite well. I consider her attractive, she was open & honest, respectful, definitely a homemaker, and we shared quite a bit in common in terms of values / energy / intelligence / age / social interest / cultural background. The only real thing that was lacking was admiration. I was surprisingly impressed with her. Will definitely want to follow up sometime.

EMMA called me back after disappearing for the weekend. She said "I have to be honest with you, I just ended a complicated 7-year relationship over the weekend, and I'm planning on moving to (3 hours away) in two weeks, so now may not be the best time." I complimented her on her decision to go through healing for a while, and she mentioned that me asking her out was the best Valentine that she got that day, and that it meant a lot. Sounds like I may have assisted in pushing her tipping point to ditch a bad boyfriend? I've made a note to follow up in a month just to see how she's doing, but I ultimately consider her to probably be a bad idea to pursue for quite some time.

Haven't really heard back from SANDRA.


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So I'm officially one month in now. Have been on 2 dates, with 1 to come, and a couple possibly in the works. Have had very little success with online dating, despite using multiple sites. Not getting a lot of responses. I still worry I'm doing something wrong there, but I'll give it more time. I can't say I feel very thrilled about my progress so far, and I fear my PA need is too overwhelming and wrecking my chances of finding someone reasonable, but I'll keep marching forward... It just doesn't help my confidence.

I often find myself rearranging the apps on my iPhone, trying to find the perfect arrangement I can be happy with. It takes me a LONG while to get it right. But when it's right, it's perfect. I worry this perfectionism in me is making my search unreasonable, so I'm trying to stay open, but fear if I'm too open, I'll never feel like I 'got it right'. Something for me to think about too often, at least....


Updates:

SANDRA has dropped off the radar.

KELLY agreed to meet via match.com, but postponed it due to illness, agreed to later in the week, and then stopped responding to text and calls. I'm not sure what happened, but I'm obviously not heartbroken. Something felt strange with her.

Going to meet with MEREDITH via eHarmony on Monday.

Met DANA at the young adult group I help lead. I really only intended to greet her as she left, but I quickly got wrapped up in playful conversation with her, and she was very admiring of when I taught the previous week! I went to our church's parenting seminar over the weekend, and she asked to sit with me. She seems incredibly friendly, lively, great with kids, and continued to be admiring of me. I found myself quite interested very quickly in her, and things felt 'right', though I don't find myself fully attracted to her. I'm inclined to ask her out to coffee soon, but I worry that without me being enthusiastic about the attractiveness piece, it may be a lost cause. I'm not sure though...


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So why not give it a go with Dana? It's just a date after all and you won't know if it's a big deal unless you try. It's all part of dating 30 people so you can figure out what it is you like in potential partners. For me, I couldn't get around a lack of PA with KATE. Doesn't mean that Dana will produce the same results with you.


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