Her plan will not bring you a romantic marriage; Dr. Harley's plan will but it must be followed exactly.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? You need to read it carefully.

I have not posted for a bit. I got the book, have read through it once, and been skimming back over to see what I missed. I want to attempt Plan A. In discussing it this weekend I am confronted by the same problems. I feel I have to get past some of this resentment to even do Plan A. My biggest emotion Need is honesty from her. It did not help for her to lie to me this morning when discussing all this. She had sat here watching me read the book with a certain amount of contempt I feel. She has lied so much about her past I have to know what the truth is before I can move on with a Plan A. There was a suggestion out there posted about using a polygraph test. I have located several and will contact them to see how to formulate questions and how many an be asked.

Exposure for us I am not sure will help as I do not think she is in contact with the OM anymore. They have since moved to different jobs. The hurt that as mentioned is she did nothing I asked for her to do with the exposure issue. She simply left the door open for him only mentioning to him she did not want to do it anymore. He was never told why, that I knew, and my expectation was he should quit if he did not want his wife and kids to know. I lost everything and he keep everything and she kept the door open to the affair. She claims they never did anything after that day, that it never came up again and that she had no feelings for him. She even claims when she did talk to him in the work place that she had no feelings at all about him, wanting to be with him etc. When I asked if she was sure about that, she never thought of him in a sexual way after that, she could not explain to me what she called me his name 3 times after, long after, twice during sex and once in a heating argument. Then she changed her story a bit.

Anyway I need to have closure on some of these issues. As I had said previously some of her EN were somewhat deviant sexually and I would not want to meet them. I hope those would disappear if others were met but she simply will not discuss much of her EN. Does not "feel comfortable" she says talking of it.

I feel I should do the questions under the polygraph test, get the answers and move to Plan A. I guess I fear opening another Pandora's Box here but I suppose it would bring closure. As to Plan A stopping the affair that is not the problem as mentioned bit I really do feel all the same reason are there to do it again if it presented itself as there is more reason that ever now. Quite frankly I feel so needy on the EN issue I can understand it happening to me but if presented to me I would divorce if I was tempted.

CB, we can help you get through this and create a fantastic marriage if you will follow our instructions. Will you do that?

I first want to know what kinds of things you want to find out about the affair? You know the basic information, right? So what do you feel is outstanding?

And do you know how to contact the OM's home?

I want to know the truth. meaning I have been told so many different stories I do not know what is the truth. Over the years there is basic information but almost no acknowledgement of her emotional involvement, even lied about it this morning. As I said it has been YEARS so I feel somewhat stupid about it all.
Yeah, I can dig up the other guy but he is now divorced (imagine my surprise)Not sure if he could be contacted now.

Asking about her "feelings" for the affair partner is a waste of time because affairees are in the fog and don't know how they feel. Do you have questions about the basic FACTS, such as length of time, where they met, how they communicated? Has she answered those?

How do you know this? How far away does he live and work from you?

This is why s full exposure still must be done and why WW or OM must leave their job.

In hindsight I should have done the full exposure. Remember I did not have access to Marriage Builders at that time. I only mention it for those who read the posts as someone that did not do it and for me long term I should have. I had all the "valid" reasons for no exposure but the decision has contributed to where we are now.

I know his name as he worked with my wife and she told me. It does not take much then or especially now to obtain information about anyone. The average person can do quite a bit of investigation on their own. The information I have from my wife has been bits and pieces told over years of time. She started with complete denial and painfully dripped the rest drop by drop on my heart for years changing stories as she went. People that lie do not realize that if they told the truth the words they speak would not change much. Her defense for "I can't recall" is just that. Yeah people will refer me back to her being in the "affair fog' but in this case she recalls most everything. Not to say it is not a valid perception but it cannot be used for a blank check for no accountability.

CB, the first thing I would do is find out where this guy is now. Find out where he works, lives and his marital status. The REASON for this is to ensure he doesn't still work with your wife or live close by you. You might be dealing with an ongoing affair and not even be aware of it. The reason for finding his marital status is so you can contact his wife. That should be done for a couple of reasons: to get information from her and to tell her about the affair if she doesn't know. She may know more about the affair.

I would find out as much as you can independently. I have a feeling your wife is still hiding something and I want to see if you can find out what that might be.

Once you do some intel, I would go to her with an offer. Tell her you are tired of thinking about the affair and you can imagine she is tired of being asked. Tell her that if she will just tell you everything now, and pass a polygraph test afterwards, you will NEVER bring it up again.

And more importantly, you would like to have a romantic, passionate marriage instead of a marriage that is built on deceit and years of resentment. TEll her you have a plan to transform your marriage. Show her the MB plan and see if you can get her on board.

I would also suggest you spring for the MB professional program. It lasts about a year and you are assigned a MB coach who contacts you weekly and takes you through the entire program. You have daily access to Dr Harley over on his private forum. It costs about $1000. Many of us have gone through this and it is worth every penny. It is for people that have tried it on their own and could not fix their marriages. That is what you need.

As far as exposure goes, I would expose it to the OM's wife, your children and close family members. But FIRST find out all the facts.

[quote=MelodyLane]CB, the first thing I would do is find out where this guy is now. Find out where he works, lives and his marital status. The REASON for this is to ensure he doesn't still work with your wife or live close by you. You might be dealing with an ongoing affair and not even be aware of it. The reason for finding his marital status is so you can contact his wife. That should be done for a couple of reasons: to get information from her and to tell her about the affair if she doesn't know. She may know more about the affair.


I very much appreciate all the responses I receive but perhaps I have not been clear or posters do not read previous posts.
The OM is divorced from the woman he was married to when the affair was first discovered so I am sure after all this time she does not care. It may well be a contributory factor in their divorce. This is not a new D-Day.

I have read every post. Did you read my post? I spent valuable time writing it out.

I asked you here how you KNEW this guy was divorced and you told me that it came from your wife. I am asking you to independently verify this man's marital status and to contact his wife/ex-wife who was married to him at that time. I don't CARE if they really are divorced now. What matters is using her as a resource for intel.

Yes I have read all posts multiple times. They do not currently work at the same location. I know where he lives currently, it is not that far away. What is it that you may think I missed in your posts?

I spent 45 minutes of my time writing out a well thought out strategy but you have not responded to it other than to comment that I must not be reading your posts.

I have a full time career and a marriage and would appreciate it if you could respond to my post.

How far away does the OM live?

10 miles
As mentioned in a previous post there was awhile back a poor attempt on my part to go back and obtain information through the OM due to my inability to believe my wife. The details not mentioned of that were my wife contacted him on email asking him if he would be willing to discuss all of the affair. He declined saying it was all so long ago, that he was now divorced. He did seem to be interested that she had contacted him and asked her to open another email account to discuss in private. My wife claimed she did not want to do that but after a while she deleted emails and then denied she did. She did say there were emails deleted but she did not do it, it must have been an error with the email provider. Some time later she did admit that she did not want me to see some of them because of issued I had brought up or questioned about that she denied were in fact confirmed in the emails, details etc. She had always thought it was all a secret and no one knew at her work, I did not think it was likely and he did confirm to her evidently that he did tell a couple of people

Do you have a keylogger on her computer? Any other spyware in place?

No I do not have keylogger or any spyware. I have looked at it online though.

A good keylogger is eblaster by spectorpro. I like it because it is non-detectable, user friendly and will email you the reports. They also have spyware for some mobile phones that has a built in GPS. It is at spectorsoft.com.

CobaltBlue,

When you say they do not work at the same location, are you saying they work for the same organization. Also was OM your WWs boss?

One approach to the polygraph would be to write out a list of questions, every question you can conceive of, have your WW read them and then answer them for you. The polygraph operator would then ask her if she answered the question truthfully along with some control questions.

I would contact OM and "give him a chance to tell his side of the story" since your WW sounds like a habitual liar. I know it's not fun to speak with the OM but it might be one of the few ways of getting to the truth. For myself, I will try to speak with OM2 sometime this spring for the same reason, and my Ws affair with OM2 was also 20+ years ago.

It's also a good idea to contact OMs exW as she will have info. you can use to fact check your WWs stories. On top of which OMs exW has a right to know, ideally your WW should also apologize to her.

You may be able to use the threat of exposure to OMs children for leverage to get him to talk.

God Bless
Gamma