I haven't really seen much discussion related to the impact of menopause on a marriage. My wife is in peri-menopause and we think she's just about to menopause. The last 3-4 years has been extremely difficult on both of us. I believe that menopause has played a part but I don't blame it on our difficulties. In a nutshell, we've been married for 30 years, 4 kids, one still at home. 3 yrs ago my wife told me that she didn't love me anymore and thought that we should get a divorce. After 3 years of groundhog day, we still have not moved forward at all. I've read His Needs Her Needs and understand the concepts and believe in them. My wife has not read the book though I have inserted ideas from the concepts into our discussions.

My main problem is that I've neglected our marriage. There has been no infidelity by either of us but we've never bonded either. Honesty has been a big problem with me. I don't share everything about a subject; I leave out important parts for fear of getting in trouble or ending up in a fight. My wife has angry outbursts frequently now and has over the years. I believe that these have been so frequent that even when things are peaceful, I fear sharing anything difficult because I believe that there will be an angry outburst. We've discussed this together but my wife feels that she needs to express her anger because that is honest. We've talked about how the angry outbursts are a result of me not being open and I believe that but it doesn't mean that I can just get over my insecurities overnight. When my wife has an angry outburst, I freeze up. I don't know what to say, I just go silent. I believe that the combination of the angry outbursts and my fear of opening up are destroying our marriage. I feel paralyzed by this situation and am heartbroken to see the damage that is being inflicted on us.

I have also destroyed trust in a huge way with some things that I have done. The biggest trust destroyer is that I took a job with another company that included taking a 50% paycut with the promise of bonuses that would make up that 50%. I didn't discuss this in the sort of detail that I should have with my wife and I went ahead and accepted the job. The bonuses never came through as expected and now we are struggling financially as well. I've been working consulting opportunities as they come along to try to make up some of the difference but there is just not enough opportunity at this point to help enough. Every day is difficult and I dread going home at night or even picking up the phone to call my wife because I have nothing to say to her and I literally fear speaking with her. I am paralyzed and not sure how to proceed or even where to start. This all seemed to really come to a head when peri-menopause started but I don't feel that its right to blame this condition; it is in my opinion just a contributor to the difficulties. Looking for some insight into the menopause topic as well as dealing with the angry outburst situation...

Often when a wife say's she's not in love anymore, its is because she is comparing her husband to another man.
Does she spend time alone out of the home?
Any opposite sex friends?

No, there is no evidence of any relationship outside of our marriage. She is a stay-at-home mom and typically only leaves home when I am with her. She doesn't have any male friends. I've snoopped emails and website browsing history and there is nothing there...

If I were you, I would sign up for the MB online program because the problem is not menopause but poor marriage habits. Menopause might have magnified her lovebusters, but the basic problem is her bad habit of "expressing" her anger. You and your wife need a complete paradigm shift in your thinking about marriage. A bad marriage affects everything, your career, everything.

Many of us went through the MB program and it completely changed our marriages. The great thing about the program is that you have a coach and Dr Harley to help you get over the bumps. For example, my husband used to have angry outbursts [so did I] and Dr Harley addressed this with him. He STOPPED! And I also stopped my independent behavior. That has resulted in a happy, passionate, romantic marriage where we are both in love.

The program now is around $1000 and is worth every penny if you can swing it and IF you can persuade her to do it with you. It really does work.

You can also get free advice from Dr Harley by writing him on his radio show. He might even help you get your wife on board. If you can get your wife on board we could help you go through the program just using the books.

Would your wife complete this questionnaire? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/MaritalProblemAnalysis.pdf

That is a wonderful idea but with our financial situation as it is right now, that is not possible. My wife goes through days/weeks of emotional withdrawal and then there will be a ray of sunshine for a few days and then back into the withdrawal again. She has no interest in any sort of counseling with me at this point. I need to begin somewhere and actually DO something but I'm so overwhelmed by everything that we're dealing with that I just tend to lose hope and revert to my default ways of ignoring things and hoping that they will just go away. This just tends to magnify things and cause them to spiral out of control over and over again. I believe that I need to start showing some signs of dedication to growing personally or it will be over...

I'm not confident that she would have any interest to fill out this questionnaire at this point. She views my reading books on marriage in a negative light. She believes that we've already uncovered the source of our problems and that I just won't commit to taking action and facing my fears. I believe that she is correct.

"Growing personally" in what way? That seems like a distraction.

What are her main complaints about you?

What are the actions she wants you to take?

There have been some events over our marriage that have never really been resolved. She has asked that I talk with her about these events until I understand the damage that I have done. My "talking" is so robotic that I feel it does no good. My wife accuses me of skipping the steps of repentance by always trying to get to forgiveness before I've gone through the fire of facing what I've done first. Here is a quick synopsis of what I would call the "bigger" events:

1) Took a job with a 50% paycut without discussing in enough detail with my wife and coming to an agreement together...i acted independently

2) Our family dog was very sick and we thought that she was going to die. My wife was also very sick on the same day and I ended up spending most of my time tending to the dog instead of to my wife.

3) My wife needed to have some major dental work done shortly after I had taken the new job. This was very expensive and when we met with the dentist's staff to discuss the cost of the work to be done, I went silent and my wife dealt with the whole thing. I didn't lend any comfort to her as a husband should and just let her deal with it alone.

4) I have focused heavily on making a living and the responsibility for the family has been on her shoulders. I viewed this for many years as my responsibility and the mere fact that I was working and supporting the family financially should have been enough to justify that I was supporting my family. Now I see that this was a huge mistake but now its too late and the kids are grown up.

Those are a handful of the events that have become very difficult to deal with. They all tend to be centered around independent behavior on my part. My wife is looking for me to show some personal growth in facing these difficulties and "owning" them.

Does your wife want to have a happy, romantic marriage?

I don't have any doubts that she wants to have a happy and romantic relationship and marriage. I believe that she thinks that I'm not capable of doing what it takes to create such a relationship. At this point, I would have to agree with her. I've not shown any consistency in my work to repair our marriage and we are constantly starting over. Its all extremely frustrating...

Ok, we can help you both with this because many of us have gone through this ourselves and transformed our own marriages. If she would come here and work with us, we can help you both. You could get the benefit of those of us who have gone through the program.

Can you ask her to come here and start a thread? Tell her I am inviting her and will help her get the kind of marriage she wants. I will recruit others on the board to help too.

Have you seen this?
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

I would like him to print that up and give it to her.

I have to think about that. I believe that what you say is true but I'm not sure that I'm capable at this point of asking my wife to do this...

No I've not seen this...I will take a look at it

Well you dont know until you ask. You have nothing to loose

Hey! Welcome to MB dividejim!

First off I applaud you for beginning the heavy lifting of repairing your marriage. The first step in this is admitting you got a problem (or two) you have done that. Excellent! Check!

The next step is to identify the problems. You have began to do that. That's a good start. Your still at home so you got one up on many. Know that you can't change your wifes behaviour, only your own. As you change the things you need to be a better man for your wife your wife will slowly take notice and her feelings will change. You might not notice overnight but feelings follow actions. Her love bank balance is far in the negative. Your overdrawn and its time to start paying back that overdraft.

Don't worry for now if your wife is on board or not. She's not feeling safe with you as of yet because she has yet to see some consistency in your changes. Getting your wife to fill out the emotional needs questionair would be extremely helpful, but if she is unwilling then you could take some educated guesses and begin to work on the top 5 anyways.

I am going to assume intimate conversation is her top need as it is with 90% of most women make sure conversation is light and fun. Maybe plan a date that reminds you of the "good days" and have conversations about good times you had before. Lead the conversations in a way that it brings the good things she remembers about you to the for front of her global mindset and watch her feelings change. Women are emotional creatures so they need the horomone oxyocin (bonding chemical produced when hugging or after love making etc). If your conversations are always negative it just continues to feed that negative loop in her head and reinforces her lack of love feeling. Good conversation will deposit many love untits. So will a good date focused on her.

MNG