Fantastic and I think MelodyLane's suggestion about printing it up and have your wife look at it is an excellent idea.

I just emailed the article entitled "How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts
and Restore Love to Your Marriage". I don't know if she'll be open to this or not but I'm giving it a shot. I will let you know what happens...thank you

I highly recommend you do this.
Tell her you have found a program that is going to help you change, and that you are going to become the husband she needs. Give her the chance to participate.

If she refuses, that's ok. You still have hope. There are men here who have won their wives back without their wives initially participating. You have a very good chance of doing the same.

Great!

"Wife, I know I have made you unhappy in this marriage and I am committed to never doing anything to make you unhappy again. You have also told me that you want to have a romantic, passionate marriage. I want this too. I am willing to do what it takes to change my behavior to make you happy. How would you feel about going through this program with me to help us achieve our goals?"

You know that one of the biggest struggles that I have is in having intimate conversations with my wife. I can have an intimate conversation much easier with a stranger than I can with my wife. I've always thought that its because there are no emotional ties to a stranger but there are to my wife. Any suggestions on strategies for overcoming the fear of having an intimate conversation with someone that is important to you?...

Pick topics that interest her. ASK more questions of her. Talk about yourself if she asks, but focus on her interests, dreams, desires.
Then, LISTEN, digest the info, and ask more, related questions.

I guess that what I struggle with is how a woman can seem to talk for hours on end about many many things. I start talking about something and I'm done after a few minutes. I'm not sure if thats just being male or if it is me. I have had the kind of relationship when I was a young man where I was comfortable talking about anything and I could talk for hours on end to a girlfriend of mine at the time that I was in love with. I've always struggled with that sort of conversation with my wife and I don't understand why.

Hi, Jim. Welcome to Marriage Builders - I believe we can help you. In fact I've seen people in situations very similar to yours helped.

First off, I want to assure you that it is very typical for only one spouse to be on board with following this program, at first. That is the normal situation. If both husband and wife were on board, they usually wouldn't be here, because they'd just follow the recommendations and have a great marriage, and we'd never hear from them. Dr. Harley has commented many times that if it is the husband who is on board and the wife is reluctant, the marriage has a great chance of being turned around. I personally found myself in that situation when I came here, and I had to really stick it out and get extremely well-educated in the ins and outs of the Marriage Builders plan, but I was able to turn my marriage around, and my wife is today very enthusiastic about all of this because it saved our marriage and made her life and marriage wonderful. Hopefully it will take less time and effort for you, but if not, I want to encourage you to persevere.

See if your wife is willing to get started based on the article that was suggested for you to show her. If she is, that is fantastic! But if not, don't despair - keep posting to us, and we will help you with Dr. Harley's recommendations for how to win your wife back.

I strongly encourage you to get the book Love Busters and the book Five Steps to Romantic Love. And I also strongly encourage you (even more strongly!) to start listening to Dr. Harley's daily radio show, Marriage Builders Radio:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

That show will teach you more than you can possibly imagine about how to turn your marital situation around. Even if your wife tells you to your face it's hopeless.

One problem that couples face in conversation is that they want to be able to talk about their problems in life - but after a while, their biggest problems are usually each other! It is important to develop interest in topics of conversation that you both like and save discussions over conflicts for specific times if possible. This may be part of the problem you are facing. You may also need to learn to resolve the conflicts so that they aren't on her mind all the time.

Beyond that, Dr. Harley has an article with his recommendations for conversation, and it was so helpful to me that I suggest that you read and reread it, and in fact review it daily until you have the skills mastered.

The Friends and Enemies of Good Conversation

Dr. Harley lists four "friends" of good conversation to practice, and four "enemies" of good conversation to avoid. (This material has been slightly updated in the latest revision of His Needs, Her Needs.) If you can spend fifteen hours a week with your wife practicing these, you will become a fantastic conversation partner for her, and save your marriage.

The four friends of good conversation are:
* (Content) Using conversation to investigate, inform, and understand your spouse.
* (Content) Developing interest in each other's favorite topics of conversation
* (Etiquette) Balancing the conversation (Each of you should spend about equal time talking)
* (Etiquette) Giving each other your undivided attention (look at each other while talking - don't be reading the newspaper, watching sports or other TV, or reading or sending messages on your phone or computer.)

The four enemies of good conversation are:
* Making selfish demands (using conversation to try to get your way at your spouse's expense - when they are not enthusiastic about what it is you are wanting to be done)
* Using conversation to force agreement to your way of thinking (disrespectful judgments)
* Using conversation to punish your spouse (angry outbursts)
* Dwelling on mistakes of the past or present

If you incorporate any of those "enemies" into the conversation, it will ruin it for your wife. Meanwhile, the friends are what will make it enjoyable for both of you. Pay special attention to the need to find topics you both like to talk about. It needs to be enjoyable for you so that you will be motivated to participate. It will get easier as you discover new and better topics together.

One thing my wife and I like to talk about is current events. I've seen other people suggest talking about movies or shows you both like, books, projects you want to do together. The possibilities really are endless. Whatever gets you excited and animated.

Dr. Harley has said that when he brings a man into his office that is not a great conversationalist, he is usually able to get him to talk quite energetically when he starts asking him about his job or whatever is interesting to him. There is a difference between introverted and extroverted people, but if you can get them on the right topic and make sure you don't interrupt them, introverts actually like to talk quite a bit. I should know - my wife is an introvert and I had to learn how to have great conversation with her.

markos, thank you for reminding me about the friends of good conversation. I have read these in the past but I like your idea of focusing on this daily until it becomes habit...I will start to do this...

Here's something that really impressed me: in 2010 my wife and I started here at Marriage Builders and paid for a few sessions with Steve Harley (Dr. Harley's son, and an accomplished marriage counselor as well). I asked Steve specifically about conversation - were there any good books he recommend that I read to develop my conversation skills. Steve didn't recommend any books. Instead, he told me to just focus on the friends and enemies of good conversation.

I was a little bit frustrated at the time, but in retrospect, he was right! Those tips are the recipe for making good conversation with your wife.

Now we are getting somewhere. Good job dividejim. Its not easy to be a conversationalist. In fact its quite difficult at first. Its tough when you don't feel that much of what your thinking about to talk about may or not be a safe topic. Especially if your fearing your wifes emotional reactions. But by now I'm sure you know her well enough to understand what topics boil her over and. Possibly even some topics that put a smile on her face. Ask her open ended questions about herself. Women LOVE to talk about themselves. Lift her up during those conversations. Take interest in her favorite topics. Research on it if ya need to so you can contribute.

That's a GREAT step forward. Steer clear of negative undertones and topics that will reignite her negatvie feelings. Lead her and steer the conversations in positive light. Add in some situational humor when ever you can. Compliment her. Notice when she's done her hair or things of similar nature. It will feel contrived at first but eventually it will come naturally.

MNG

All of our conversations are focused on mistakes that I've made and how I'm going to repent of those mistakes and change myself. I don't think that we've had a happy, fun, interesting conversation in months. The mood gets so heavy when we start to talk and its typically my wife that initiates the talking because I want to run for the door when the topic of talking intimately comes up. I also seem to live in a reactionary mode rather than a leadership mode. I'm typically in a defensive position and not really taking any proactive steps to work through our situation. I'm a chicken! I really do fear that things will spiral out of control and turn ugly whenever we start to talk about our stuff. Have any of you felt the same way about facing the truth? If so, what helped you to overcome those feelings?

Jim, angry outbursts are a big problem in marriage. Dr. Harley usually doesn't recommend that men separate over their wife's angry outbursts, but if the genders were reversed, he would actually go so far as to recommend that a wife separate from her husband until he agrees to eliminate his angry outbursts.

I would suggest that you need to complain to your wife about her angry outbursts. Tell her that you want to address her complaints, but you don't want either one of you to be punished for mistakes, and you don't want either one of you to be subjected to angry outbursts. In the future, when she becomes angry toward you, I would end the conversation and come back to her after she has calmed down.

Angry outbursts make it impossible to solve problems in marriage. From the book Love Busters you'll learn that they erode the love you feel for one another. You'll also learn that they can be completely eliminated. I should know - I had to eliminate my angry outbursts in order to have a good marriage. And my wife followed through on that separation advice that Dr. Harley gives wives in such a situation - I spent some time living in a hotel due to my angry outbursts. I am glad she adopted that no tolerance policy, though, because our marriage is so much better!


Honesty is this: "I don't like it when you X. I would like it if you would Y." An angry outburst is more than honesty: it is punishment.


This is not correct. An angry outburst is a person's own choice. It is one possible way to respond to frustration. She (and you, if necessary) need to learn a different response. This is both an instinct and a habit that needs to be overcome.


Can you be specific about what you are insecure about?


That is very understandable. Nobody reacts well to an angry outburst. It's best not to say anything - there's nothing you can say, because a person who is having an angry outburst is experiencing temporary insanity. They can't be reasoned with. That is why it's best to end the conversation as soon as possible.

Jim, don't keep talking about mistakes over and over again with her. Notice that one of the enemies of good conversation is "dwelling on mistakes of the past or present." This enemy is ruining conversation for both of you.

When she has a complaint, you need to get the information from her as to what you did that bothered her or what she would like you to do, and then move on to another topic. If she brings up a mistake of the past, decline to discuss it with her. Let her know that you don't want to dwell on either of your mistakes and that you want to hear and address her complaints but that you don't want either of you to be punished for your mistakes.

Of course, make sure that the mistakes of the past are truly mistakes of the PAST. For example, follow the policy of joint agreement - never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your wife. Don't do things that she is unenthusiastic about, and if she lets you know that she's not enthusiastic about something you DID do, apologize to her, assure her that you don't want to do anything she's not enthusiastic about, and try to undo the mistake as much as possible. (For example, if you bought a car without talking to her, return the car.)

Jim, follow Dr. Harley's Policy of Undivided Attention: take your wife out for fifteen hours a week and don't talk about your complaints about each other during that time.

The Policy of Undivided Attention

The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

The angry outbursts are a tool that my wife uses in order to get me to open up. I will tend to not say anything until things escalate to the point where I can't hold it in any longer. what usually happens is that we will go for a few days with me not really saying much and holding things in. My wife will start to get frustrated and eventually will have an angry outburst. Once it escalates to a certain point, I will typically open up and say what I'm thinking. Once we get through the angry outburst, things calm down again and then we're back in the same cycle. I believe that my problem is that I am afraid of the angry outbursts and the last thing that I want to do is to say something that is very personal to me and to have it thrown back at me in anger. This has happened so often that I believe that this is my reason for not really wanting to talk intimately. If I initiate the talking, we can typically get through a difficult discussion without any sort of angry outbursts. If my wife has to initiate the discussion then it typically does lead to an angry outburst. I think that I have just convinced myself that if I bring anything up that is difficult or hurtful to discuss that it will automatically lead to an angry outburst and I avoid these situations like the plague. I used to fight my wife tooth and nail but then I realized that I didn't have to choose to use anger so i stopped that a long time ago. My wife feels that she can't get me to open up unless she gets angry and takes me to the edge. Its a really difficult thing for me and if I can find a way to deal with my wife's anger, I think that things will really improve.

What does she mean by "open up"? What things are you holding in?

It's important to complain to your wife about the angry outbursts. Let her know that you don't want either of you to be punished for your mistakes or be subjected to angry outbursts from the other. Then, stop hanging around when she has an angry outburst at you. Open up about this.

Don't try to deal with your wife's anger. Instead, stop tolerating it. She will have to learn to stop having angry outbursts if she wants to talk with you about a problem.

The book Love Busters and the radio show both have a lot of material your wife can use to learn to eliminate angry outbursts. Question: have you listened to the radio show yet? (I mentioned it in a post above, and I am serious that this is the best support tool a husband can get to rebuild his marriage. Sit in class with Dr. Harley every day!)

Has your wife replied to the article you emailed to her, yet?