No, my wife has not responded to my email yet.

As far as what am I holding in; I am just not feeling like I'm in a safe environment so I hesitate to speak. I'm just fearful of the anger so I clam up. When she does get angry, I clam up even more until she escalates it to a point that I have to say something.

I do listen to the radio program almost every day. I've listened off and on now for a few years but pretty much every day for the last few weeks. I agree, the radio show is amazing.

To speak about what?

I hesitate to speak about subjects that are intimate to us. Errors that I have made, my weaknesses, things that I know bother her.

When your conversation escelates to the point of anger or better yet before it does and you hear your wifes tone change into contempt. As soon as you feel anxiety kick in that's your que to tell your wife. "Honey, listen. Your tone of voice is giving me anxiety. I don't feel safe in this conversation anylonger and feel it will only escelate. If you would like to continue this conversation please come talk to me when you have calmed down."

Then disengage and take a break or go for a walk or something. Don't engage with her when it escelates. You need a chance for the adrenaline to leave your body so you can gain your cognitive thinking back.

MNG

dividejim,

A few things to think about, did your W keep in touch through the years with old boy friends? I assume you are correct about no affair, but getting serious with an old boyfriend is so common that it has to be considered.

Also are there any males at your church she is close to, I know many feel church is a safe place, but there always seems to be floating males hanging around.

God Bless
Gamma

Then don't

Talk about other things. I have made several suggestions.

MNG

Gamma, I've kept very close tabs on things and I see nothing that would lead me to believe that she is talking to anyone (old boyfriend, neighbor, church members) but me about our marriage.

What kinds of errors and weaknesses? Are these things that are an issue in the present?

As an example, let's say you view pornography and it bothers her. The solution is to stop viewing pornography. There's not much to talk about other than to do it.

These are mistakes that I've made primarily over the past few years. One of the biggest ones was taking a job with a company that I really wanted to work for and agreeing to a 50% paycut in return with the promise of bonuses that would leave me at the same level I was when I left the old company. I pretty much made a unilateral decision to take the job and discussed it with my wife but not in the depth that I would now that I know better. I have tended to not be totally honest with my wife. I don't out and out lie but I also don't always share everything and give total context so that she has the same information that I do. This has created a huge trust issue between us and we are struggling financially now because of my decision which means that this issue is before us every day of our lives.

I believe that the weaknesses that I have are as follows:

1) Independent behavior
2) Honesty
3) Confronting and facing problems

Dividejim,
You have gotten outstanding advice on this thread. Kudos to all have chimed in. Those who post here give better advice than you will find by paying for most marriage counselors.

My two cents:

1) The angry outbursts and honesty are a reciprocal problem. They feed each other. If you can be radically honest and she can stop her AO's then the problem will be solved. But both of you have to commit, and it takes someone to start. That's you. This issue is one where counseling from the Harley's would help. Under no circumstances should you lie or lie by omission, and she must end her angry outbursts. They are death to a marriage.

2) The concepts of conversation and undivided attention that Marcos has introduced here go hand in hand. Undivided Attention is the spirit (drink) that frees up the conversation. In other words, spend time together doing things that are fun and that take you out of the home environment. I can't stress this enough. If your wife will agree, go on a vacation. Get away for a solid 7 to 10 days. I know money is tight, but use credit or ask a parent or a rich uncle to help you out financially since it could save your marriage. Also schedule dates each week. Don't just do a movie. Do dinner and a movie so that there is room for conversation.

3) Romance her. Shower her with caring gifts as you try and win her affections. This will not come fast. It will take time. To get an idea of the struggle you are in, watch the movie Fireproof. The husband's attempts to recover his marriage in that film show remarkable fortitude and perseverance, and that is what it is going to require.

4) Look for a new job to boost your income. Even if it takes time, seeing you working toward that goal should register with your wife that you are respecting her feelings about this and you are looking to be a better provider.

Okay, I just had a lengthy discussion with my wife and was told to "...take my marriage builders crap and shove it".

I need some help understanding Dr. Harley's angry outburst topic. The discussion that I had with my wife centered around anger and the destruction that it causes in a relationship. Her point to me is that if I've done something terribly wrong that hurt her that she is going to get angry. Its a natural consequence of my actions. Why should I expect her to not get angry. This is where I'm confused; is being angry at someone for hurt that they have caused the same as having an angry outburst? It seems to me that they're different but I'm not really putting 2 an 2 together here. It seems to me that if I expect my wife not to get angry with me even though I deserve it that I'm just exercising control over her and now allowing her to feel what she needs to feel. Help me out here!

Anger makes it impossible to resolve the problem so getting angry doesn't get the job done. The "cause" of her angry outburst is HER.

She chooses that destructive behavior and it is up to you to NOT tolerate it anymore.

Not only should you not tolerate it, but you certainly should not reward her for it. There should never be a payoff for her tyrant act.

MelodyLane/others, I'm really struggling with the angry outburst thing. If I had an affair and my wife found out about it, she is going to be angry. That is a natural reaction to a horrible situation. You're suggesting that she is suppose to stifle/bury her anger and not react out of anger but instead react in some other way. Isn't that the same thing as ignoring the situation or sweeping it under the rug? If that is the case then why do we even have the emotion of anger? Its a real emotion and in my situation, I have a huge problem with trying to control everything. Wouldn't my suggesting to my wife that she cannot be angry, ever be a huge control issue? I really do see how anger destroys things but there must be a place for anger as well or it wouldn't exist as a real emotion.

Bottom line is that you're telling me that I have to ask my wife to not get angry even if I've done something that is so troubling and upsetting to her that it causes feelings of anger. That seems extremely controlling to me and I don't know how I can do that. And, by the way, I have asked her not to be angry and believe me there is nothing more that I would like than for her to not get angry with me but aren't there situations where its a natural consequence of what you've done and you should expect that someone will be angry with you?

It is completely normal to feel upset. This is healthy. Nobody is suggesting otherwise. However the way that you demonstrate that feeling and how you resolve the problem are the issue here.

When you were a two year old child and felt frustrated you had a tantrum. Hopefully you were not rewarded.

By the time you were a teenager, that should have morphed into sulking. Still immature but less so.

As an adult you should have learned to say 'I am feeling upset because of xyz'. Let's discuss it when I feel calmer and negotiate a way that works for both of us that means this does not happen again.

Angry outbursts are completely unacceptable in an adult at any time. Stop having them and she should stop too.

No, not really. When I first found out about my wife's affair, I was terribly upset and hurt, but I didn't react in an angry outburst. Your wife has chosen to allow frustration, even minor frustration, to manifest itself as anger. You have been conditioned into accepting this as normal. Lots of people don't get angry every time they are frustrated. Anger management is all about conditioning yourself into breaking this connection between frustration and anger. We have some prime examples right here of people who have done this. Dr. Harley is one. So is Markos. For your part, you need to realize that there is no such thing as excusable angry outbursts in marriage.

Angry outbursts are an instinctive and habitual response to frustration. But for those of us in good marriages, we have learned to not punish our spouses for their mistakes. My wife and I do sometimes do things that make each other feel frustrated. But instead of punishing each other (which is what an angry outburst is), the one who is bothered by the other communicates that fact, and the other stops the behavior and takes steps to make sure it will never happen again.

Anger is a normal reaction, but having an angry outburst is not a healthy or good way to react to frustration. The problem with having an angry outburst is that it doesn't ever solve the problem.

I understand your wife's anger. Sure, and I had a tremendous amount of anger toward my H a few months into our recovery. It threatened to consume me and destroy our chance at recovery. In order to actually create a better marriage, I HAD to learn to control my anger and stop it in its tracks.

Anger is an emotion that is instinctive in a lot of us, but just because something is instinctive doesn't mean it's a GOOD thing. What Dr. Harley recommends for anger is to learn how to calm down. Calming down trains the brain to respond to frustrating situations calmly, which helps us solve the problems at hand more effectively.

Keep respectfully complaining about her anger and disengaging from the discussion when it becomes emotional. That's what my H had to do with me for a while. He was always respectful about it and even said it in a loving manner, but he would let me know when the discussion was becoming unpleasant. Then I had a choice. I could keep on being angry and drive away my H or I could take a break, calm down, and actually solve the problem.