I am a strong independent woman, the very thing I always thought my H wanted me to be. Anyway that is what he always told me. He always appaud in thing I did and was supprotive and gave me encouragement. But now I am too strong. He left me for someone who is needy and can't do anything for herself or at least that is how she acts. Everything I do is wrong. I have shown him that he is right I don't need him to survive. I cna't change that I am not made to fall compeletly apart just almost. Now where do I go with this? How do I make him see that there is more to life then a neediness. I keep thinking how can he stand a person who is so needy, he neve liked a person like that before. Is it building up his self esteem? What do I do now.? Help!!!!<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

SDS -- It's not his esteem, it's his ego.<BR>I had to deal with hell gorwing up, my personality is take it and go, deal with and geton with life, life is hard. SEE?<BR>Si when we married I wanted a family and I tried to be the supportive home type wife, after a while he said I was to clingy and needy to be my own person, I had slipped into a touch of depression. So I became the old me again. I got a full time job and became independant. Well, my independance my h saw as bitterness and meanness. I had to be though, everything became my responsibility. The house, the kids, my job, the money, everything. SO yes I was cold in the emotional dept. My h needs to feel needed I know that now. BOth of his affairs were with women in bad marriages and it started by them telling him their troubles and he told them the good in them and made them feel "independant and strong"! So he sought that softness and neediness elsewhere.<BR>When we decided to stay together and began talking about all this, the only thing I could say, was I don't need you .. I want you! That should say so much more than needing, but it didn't to him. After weeks of crying I realized, no I didn't need him to survive, but life is more than surviving. I needed him for love, he was the only one that I have ever truly loved, I needed that. I would be so alone in this world without him. I needed to know it was me he wanted to be with. I tried to show him that needing or depending on someone for your happiness is dangerous and destructive, but needing someone to share your happiness and your life makes for the most awesome relationship!<BR>Fortunately we are together. It took him a month to see my point in this, but I didn't hammer it at him. Point .. We had great sex all the time, our sex was never affected, only the intimacy!<BR>Anyway, I would express your feelings in the most positive was possible, without losing your independance. If he comes around then great, but don't beat yourself up. If he had a problem with you, then it should of been talked about, it is no excuse to look elsewhere, if you haven't told your spouse what you need. <BR>I did quit my job about 3 weeks ago, and yes I am scared to death if this is not real I am screwed. But there are other jobs and being home has allowed me to help him get his web business off the ground, so I am anything but bored! Not to mention my 3 girls love me here with them. It has been a financial set back, and I might go back who knows, but I wanted him to know that I trusted he could take care of me. Not that I can't take care of myself, but that I knew in my heart he could take care of me.<BR>Funny .. Everything is still my responsibility. He wanted not so independant, but doesn't get invovled in anything I have on my plate! I really thin it's an excuse, but none the less, until he changes on his own you just make sure he knows your heart and that you love him, that there is more to life than surviving. A stray dog can survive on his own, but wouldn't he be happier with a family to share and help?<BR>Hope this helps some!<BR>M<BR><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

I tried earlier but I guess I didn't do it right. I would like to tell him now but I don't know how. See he left and I have had no contact with him since Aug 23. not by my choice. I have tried to send him letters but I'm not sure he even gets them. He is living in her house. Sometime I'm not sure anything will do any good. Anyway this week I am sending him some mail and plan to write a letter, I am sending it certified with restricted delivery and I will be notified so at least I will know if he gets it. Thanks for your input, I guess I just have to keep trying to get him to understand how much I need him. Your H sound like my H in the way the affairs started and how much she needs him.YUCK!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

SDS<P>I didn't realize he wasn't living with you.<BR>OUCH! So sorry.<BR>#1 Do Not Bad mouth the OW! No matter how much you want to. That will make him feel closer to her and farther from you. <BR>#2 Your h is going to be very unwilling to hurt her feelings, even he wanted to come back to you. My h still gets emails talking about her horrid life, at which he answers with a what she should do! Go figure! I have asked him to stop it, but he just can't hurt her! Weird that he could do what he did to me, but there goes that thing about me stronger! <BR>#3 If you do see him, don't look like your certifiable, but he needs to hear some hurt and see some pain in your eyes. <BR>#4 Do not manipulate, but try for him to see that he was the center of your world, you just didn't show in the best ways. <BR>#5 I can promise you, he will get tired. If she is like you say, she will suck the life out of him. If you can wait for that!<BR>#6 Once you've done all you know to do, then don't worry anymore. Let go and find a way to be happy for you. <BR>#7 Do not critize him either, do not down play his manlyhood. Let him know your stronger to help the two of you get farther, not because you didn't think he could take of you. If you can try to build him up, make him feel like coming home would mean relief, not the same old feelings of unworthiness!<BR>That's all I can think of now! I hope it works out for you. <BR>One thing is when I woke up and realized I really did need him, I accepted his pain, before I just couldn't understand his motivations, when I should of been the one to have an affair. But I didn't have the time! <BR>Every marriage is not saved and if by chance yours is not .. Do Not Carry The Blame! It will eat you alive. Please post after you send the letter. I would like to know how it goes!<BR>M<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Hi SDS,<BR> You know, if you were less independent and more needy THAT would probably be the reason he had the affair....whatever or whoever you are would be wrong since he needs justification. My H told me that I was also too independent but then in the same sentence told me I needed to get out their and be on my own like the OW....Everything was wrong about me but now that we are back together he claims he can't even remember telling me those things.Tell him you love him and want to work things out (by letter if you have to ) but nothing will be good enough if the OW is still in the picture. AND if the OW is so needy I think in time that would get old ....just my opinion (not sure what it's worth!)....LU

Lu = You are right. <BR>SDS - i read your other posts and I really feel for you, kind of strange I've only been married for 7.5 years and fell a little inadequate telling you my experiences!<BR>But Lu is right .. It is an excuse and I was 2 or 3 different things, in which he doesn't remember himself when he was like that, now!<BR>If you get anything from my posts, it is don't keep it in and don't let it eat you. I was on the way to a nervous breakdown, shouldering the guilt, pain, responsibilities. I wasn't as strong as I thought! ALthough, I know if he hadn't, I would of come out of it, but what I would o put my family through!<BR>Hang in there!<BR>M<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

I think Lu has hit the nail on the head. Ya know how we women want our men to be strong and independent and able to take care of things, bbuuutttt also considerate and loving and sensitive etc.?????<P>I don't think guys are all that different. I think there is something wonderful about an independent woman who can look after herself, but there's also that part of them that wants someone to "take care of" so that they can feel....oh I can't think of a good word, but you know what I mean!!!<P>The when and where and how to do what is what's hard for BOTH of the sexes!!!<P>But too much neediness is BOUND to get old!!<P>Sorry, guys, hope none of you minded that gal's POV!!!<P>Lori

di,<P>I think you and I are TWINS!!!! I would like to exchange e-mail addresses with you. If interested, my e-mail is dworl@hotmail.com<P>We could exchange the daily scoop...<P>Roll Me Away

Hi,<P>Di, Lori, Lu, Mater, and RMA...<P>Di... I'm with you... slight differences in situation but I'm still having the basic feeling of abandonment like you!<P>No we guys aren't much different then women...<P>Yes we want to be needed...<BR>Yes we want affection...<BR>Yes we are inspired by independence in women...<BR>Yes we want to be strong... and appreciated for it...<BR>Yes we want to be considerate and loving and sensitive... without being hurt by for being so.<P>I think all of us on the board have basically similar situations, whether male or female... because all of our needs (emotional or otherwise) are <B>human</B> needs.<P>I admire all of you...<BR>Your struggle is not just for women...<BR>It's for family... for marriage... for life... for person... for faith!<P>I'm proud to know (even if it's just accross the Internet) each an everyone of you... it is an honor to speak with my peers in life.<P>God Bless <P>Jim

I jsut read my horoscope for today. It tells me that I need to make a conscious effort to let go of worries that concern people whose actions I have no control over. I am also to stick to familiar routines and dependable people. Think I being told something? <P>I have a plan and I need to stick to it and try not to rush it. I feel that this plan is right for me. I knowthe man I was married to and if he wanted to leave OW he couldn't because he would feel trapped by his job because we need the insurance for ou S. So he would not make a move to change anything he would just stay no matter what. I'm not sure I'm explaining things right but he would feel that there was no choice but to remain there he wouldn't see a way out. So I'm making a list for on my list is to find the right job that has good benefits that will cover S. 2. Find a place to live. 3. Really put the pressure on him to come home(loving pressure) 4. Make my marriage work 5.Be a success story here. Now I need your help not to jump the gun and tried to do 3 before I accomplish 1 and 2. I have always felt that this was what it would take to get his attention. Now I have I totally lost it? I hope not.<BR> <BR>Thanks Jim for you kind words. Yes we are human beings and we all have the same needs. Too bad some people don't see that. Like our Spouses<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi SDS -<P>Sounds like a great plan to me!!!<P>How's it going with #1?<P>I wanted to ask how the rearranging went this weekend....<P>Both with house and mind? Apparently, it went well with the mind part - since you have this wonderful plan!!!<P>You're in my prayers!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Yep... our spouses are missing the boat on simple humanity!<P>BTW for your #5... you already are a success story here! What you've gone through so far and how you've handled yourself makes you an inspiration to us newer members!<P>Don't always measure your success by what other people might think... you will usually be disappointed... <B>I am not disappointed in you at all!</B><P>Measure your success by how much you've put into what you can control... not what others give back to you (especially when you have no control of it!) <P>We are all sisters and brothers in this struggle against evil. I'll stand shoulder to shoulder with you and everyone here. It would be my honor. When you think it's getting too hard... post and vent! <P>Jim

Jim, My head is getting bigger and bigger But seriously thank you for your support. You know what is so ironic here, Jim is my H's name. But I won't hold that against you. But I dod appreciate your support, You know it is a shame we have to go through so much pain inorder to meet such great people. I know there are days that I would make it but would be in more tears and screaming if I wasn't able to come here. Venting definitely keeps us sane plus all the loving support. I have support from my family but it not the same when you get that support from people who know and understand what you are going through. <P>Again thanks for you support and prayers.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Di,<P>I think we're definitely on the same wavelength! I found out this evening, that OW has been hospitalized again for her cancer. (See my most recent post) Like you, I think H feels like she needs him more than I do. Talk about needy, she may be terminal!! Now what do I do? I feel like, not only am I dealing with an affair, but <BR>I now have a moral dilemma! How can I insist that he dump her when she is fighting cancer???

I saw your post first and posted there. But I wish I knew what to tell you to do. All I can do is be here for you. And I guess that is all you can do for H. I hope this has compeletely ruined your trip. Try to put in out of your mind ( I know) and enjoy being with your family. You need them now. Email me when you get home and we will talk about this a little more. {hug}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>