I would react to that by continuing to practice Marriage Builders without using the name. For example, I would continue to complain about her angry outbursts. Like this:

"I don't want either of us to punish the other for our mistakes."

"Take your Marriage Builders crap and shove it!"

"Okay, but I don't want either of us to be subjected to angry outbursts by the other."

"Shut up you stupid jerk. You have been so horrible to me that you deserve to hear me out. Now, I want you to know ---"

And at this point you leave. She hollers after you:
"Get back here - I'm not done with what I have to say."

You let her know you'll be happy to listen to her when she can talk to you without having an angry outburst, and you continue on your way out.

Jim, there's nothing wrong with feeling frustrated about frustrating things. However, how you respond, you are responsible for. My wife and I used to have yelling, screaming matches and I would throw things and punch the walls. Behaving like this is not acceptable anywhere. So why would it be okay at home? If I yelled at my boss or punched a wall at work, I would get fired. Or if I did that at a friend's house, my friendship would be terminated quickly.

It's time for you to start being honest and stop fearing the response you'll get. It's also okay to tell your wife that you will not tolerate being yelled at. When I stopped responding angrily at my wife, validating her feelings, but also telling her "I will not continue this discussion until you stop raising your voice and cussing at me" it got so much better.

Did it happen immediately? No. But it didn't take very long (as long as I was role modeling what I was talking about) before she stopped screaming, yelling, and cussing. At this point, it's been years since we've raised our voices at each other or said something disrespectful.

If you do something that upsets your wife, you should of course apologize for it and change your behavior so that it doesn't happen again.

Your job change is a prime example. Your message to her about that should stay on the point that you were wrong to make the change without her enthusiastic approval, and that you feel it was a terrible mistake and you know that you've offended her greatly. You should accompany that by working earnestly EVERY DAY to get into a new job situation that meets with her enthusiastic approval. You should also accompany it by, from now on, running all of your decisions by her during the consideration phase and rejecting any option that doesn't have her enthusiastic approval.

It's imperative that you solve the problem - the specific problem of the job (which is rightly making her unhappy every day) and the more general problem of making unilateral decisions. In one of his articles, Dr. Harley tells a man "You should probably not even go so far as to brush your teeth without her enthusiastic consent." He is probably being a little bit hyperbolic - but maybe only slightly!

We can rightly emphasize with your wife in her situation. It is as if she is strapped to you and cannot get away and you are taking her all kinds of places she does not want to go. She is a bit like a prisoner or someone tied to the front of a runaway locomotive driven by an engineer who is not listening to her. I can understand why this problem is tearing her apart, and let me assure you (and her) that we are on her side in this! This problem needs to be resolved ASAP or it is going to make her miserable for life, and wreck your marriage as well. Dr. Harley would go so far as to tell your wife to separate from you and eventually divorce you if you do not solve this problem diligently and quickly.

That said, if she chooses to punish you, it does nothing to help the situation. It only makes the problem worse. It adds to the problems that must be solved. That is why Dr. Harley advocates eliminating angry outbursts. It doesn't help a child to throw a fit about their problems (I have six children and see fits every day! I can promise you they never help the problems my children are facing.) And it does nothing to help the problems an adult faces, either.

Your independent behavior is a terrible problem for your wife. You need to become her partner in solving it, and that means most of the effort is going to be on you to reverse the effects of your independent behavior and eliminate it from this day forward. Meanwhile, she needs to solve the problem of her angry outbursts, because they are a terrible problem for you (and for her, whether she realizes it yet or not).

You may feel like you deserve to be yelled at for your mistake in selecting a new job that hurts your wife. And perhaps you do.

But if you sit there and let her yell at you, it doesn't bring you any closer to getting a new job that she likes.

You would be better off leaving and going out job hunting.

Whether your wife likes Marriage Builders or not, it is still a bad idea for her to be angry or disrespectful toward you - even for your mistakes - and you should complain about it. (Make the complaint reciprocal: stand for the principle that neither of you should be punished for mistakes. I'm sure she has made mistakes as well and can appreciate the value of not being punished for them. In all of these principles, present them in a way that shows her what she has to gain if the two of you follow the principle.)

And, whether your wife likes Marriage Builders or not, it is still a bad idea for you to practice independent behavior. Again, you should stand for the principle that neither of you should do anything without the other's enthusiastic consent, and that you want to live by this rule and change your job and all other life circumstances, one by one, into a situation that she is enthusiastic about. You have a lot to gain by making sure all of your decisions are made with her enthusiastic consent: she has wisdom to add to yours, leading to better decisions. (You can already see how much better off you would have been if you had asked her opinion on the job change.)

One of the very few exceptions that Dr. Harley makes to this policy of joint agreement is abuse: so as long as she is abusing you and having angry outbursts, I would continue to post here to get help to resolve your marital problems. Even if she is not enthusiastic about it. As long as she is going to punish you for your mistakes, you are going to need support. Anyone who is in such a situation deserves help and support. But don't wave Marriage Builders in her face. Right now she is not enthusiastic about it and doesn't see what she has to gain from it. That is likely to change when you can stop the love bank withdrawals and make a habit of making massive love bank deposits every day - her feelings toward you will change, and she will begin to see the benefit that she has realized from you following these principles.

Wow, I sure seemed to stir up the hornet's nest this morning with my comments about anger! I appreciate all of the comments that each of you have offered to me and I will think through them all and take a stand based on what I think is right. I do appreciate your support and your input. As you are all aware, this is probably the most difficult thing that I've ever had to deal with in my life and I don't want to screw it up anymore than I already have. I've never been in the habit of poking a stick at an angry bear and it seems that much of the Marriage Builder's approaches do just that; they force you to face up to life. Please bear with me as I go through this process and keep your comments coming. They are definitely helpful to me...DJ

Your approach of conflict avoidance has made the problem worse, not better. Your marital problems can never be resolved if your wife gets angry. Have you noticed that? It resolves nothing. Taking perpetual punishment does not make your marriage better; it makes it a miserable place where problems never get solved.

Avoiding the problem of your wife's anger and acting as if it is normal has made you a miserable, unhappy man.

Many of us who are posting to you are in happy, romantic marriages TODAY because we did not tolerate the angry outbursts. We stopped the behavior that made our spouse angry but our spouses also had to stop the angry outbursts.

Did you read Markos' suggestion about finding a new job? Are you working every day on finding a job that would make you both happy?

Jim, still listening to the radio show? Did you listen yesterday?

I was going to ask today if you'd ever asked your wife to listen with you. It's one of the most helpful things my wife and I have done.

I would love to hear Dr. Harley comment directly on your situation, if you are interested in writing him. I've been helping a man in a marital situation similar to yours and would love to hear Dr. Harley address it directly.

Have you listened to any of the old archived shows? There are some great links to archived shows on this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2603602

Did you get to read the link about Conflict Avoidance that I posted yesterday?

Not at all. Please read through my responses carefully - there's a lot of suggestions in there for you. You stand a good chance of turning this around if you will:

* Fix the problem with your job and your independent behavior
* Complain about her anger

Keep these problems on the front burner until they are solved. Your instinct will be to run away from them and put your head in the sand, but then they will only get worse.

I've got another suggestion for you, Jim. When your wife comes to you to complain about a problem, tell her you want to address the problem and ask her for her ideas about what to do. For example, the problem of your job - it is making her unhappy. What is her preferred solution? How would you feel about trying it? What other ideas does she have?

Get her involved as a partner in solving these problems with you.

Dr. Harley has a whole new book out on marital problem solving - it is called He Wins, She Wins. For now, check out the Four Guidelines to Successful Negotiaton:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html

You will also find this subject covered a lot in Love Busters. Love Busters teaches you how NOT to solve your problems. He Wins, She Wins teaches you how to solve them.

Here's a good thread on He Wins She Wins. There are some good clips in the thread also.
He Wins She Wins

Well, my wife and I discussed together how to approach my employment situation and what to do. We agreed jointly to give it a few months to see how things shape up and then make a decision as to what to do. That was positive.

That is a good first step. Do you see how important it is to address her complaints? And what about her anger? How did she behave?

Fantastic. You might also start a list of job ideas and opportunities with her. Brainstorming is an important step in negotiation. Did you read the article on four guidelines to successful negotiation?

Jim, why are you ignoring my questions? If you will answer the questions and follow up on the suggestions we are pointing you to, your marriage will recover very well - and possibly rapidly. We know the directions to point you to - some of us have dedicated many hundreds or thousands of hours to learning and teaching this program.

My questions aren't rhetorical.

markos, I'm not ignoring your questions; there have just been so many fired at me that I've been answering as I can. I'm working during the day and can't stay on top of this except on occasion throughout the day. I spent last night with my wife and wasn't able to read much from the forum.

Yes, I listen to the radio program every day and no I haven't yet read the guidelines to successful negotiations.

Yes, dealing with her complaints is very important. She did get angry again when I was trying to talk to her about why I have a difficult time dealing with her when she gets angry. That ended the evening on a sour note.

Markos, my wife is not currently big on marriage builders so I'm not in a place where I feel like I can ask her to listen to the radio program yet. I will when the time is right though because I think that the radio show is excellent.

As far as emailing Dr. Harley goes, I'm comfortable doing that. Maybe I can do that this weekend. Thanks for the idea...DJ