Let me put this another way. You should go by her ACTIONS, and not what she says. Do her ACTIONS reflect someone wracked by guilt? I would expect a person who felt guilty to be going out of her way to make amends to her victim in order to alleviate that guilt. I wouldn't expect to see her driving the knife in DEEPER.

So no, her actions don't reflect a guilty conscience, they reflect a selfish, self centered wayward who is not even remotely interested in the pain of her victim, much less making amends! She is still only interested in SELF and is still active in her affair.

I would step up the snooping and catch her. Get spyware on that phone, a GPS on her car and a VAR in her car. I assure you the affair is still alive and well.

Have you checked the online phone records to see whom she is contacting?

She went out to meet a friend night before last, just round the corner from where we are. Her friend who originally was very supportive is now ignoring me. I think my WS is trying to build support and blames me for having to tell her friends every issue going back over the years because I exposed her.

Its getting very tough to cope with this. Feels like I am in a battle.

You are in a battle Sir

How do I get hold of her phone records?

Also is there anyway to challenge her on the way she is demonising me to justify the affair or is this just a waste of time? I am thinking that because the OM accused me of kidnapping her and taking her phone off her and that she lied to her Mum about the details of the affair I could raise these with her? What do people think?

You need to contact the cell carrier for the phone records; ideally you can view them online using a user name and password if you are the account holder.

When she demonizes you, I would reply, "I am willing to work with you to create a loving marriage where both of our needs are met."

If she does Love Busters, then just politely walk away.

Do NOT try to educate her.

It is very tough to keep doing plan A when the atmosphere is so frosty. She is cold, distant and downright nasty at times. I also checked her phone and she Is looking at rental properties. I suppose this is a long haul and I need to put the effort in to keep doing plan A.

One question is how do you try and meet her EN's if she is not willing to engage with you and is so cold and distant?

Do something that you know would meet her Emotional Needs anyways.

And DON'T expect recognition for it any of those times, but just keep doing it and Without bragging about it to bring attention to yourself.

Sometimes, the best you fan do is avoid all potential Love Busters.

Do you have that book yet?

LTL

You may even be criticized for doing the Right Things.

It may be called, Too Little, Too Late, or that you are just trying to get your way and ACTING nice, just to manipulate her.

Just say that you have learned about yourself and are continuing to try to work on your shortcomings.

LTL

Well she has probably closed her love bank to you and is focusing on her affair partner.
That's why its so important to ensure that the affair dies a natural death and that recovery is followed as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair

Thanks JK.

I have a question, we are both feeling a lot of pain at the moment. I have an ache in my stomach most of the time, and she is hardly eating. Even when we do nice stuff together it feels a hollow. Is this not detrimental to reconciliation if we are feeling so much hurt and then associating it with each other?

Dr. Harley, when he recommends a vacation at the start of affair recovery is often asked the question you posed on his Radio Show.
Betrayed spouses often say, I don't want to spend 2 weeks on a cruise with this cheater!

But Dr. Harley explains that they "need to prime the pump" and try to make love bank deposits by meeting each others emotional needs. During withdrawl, however, you will make very little love bank deposits with your wife.

Its a terrible difficult time but if No Contact is maintained she will eventually get out of her state of withdrawl from her affair partner.

So to answer your question, spending time together is the best thing you can do to save your marriage

Thanks that's helpful

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.

Things improve so slow that they are hard to notice from day to day. Though things are.

Yup. The only way to eat an elephant is to do it one bite at a time.

Ok, another update. Things haven't been going well, she is very cold and distant. She doesn't seem interested. I also think the affair could be continuing or have restarted. She has deleted phone call logs on her phone, she was 1 hour late from work yesterday. She admitted the other day that she went to the town near where the OM is now working. I have tried snooping but there is no way to get at her phone as she doesn't let it out of her sight.

Question - what should I do? Should I carry on snooping or ask for EPs e.g. Access to her call logs, which will prove one way or other anyway?

Snooping is proving very tough and I am really struggling to deal with all this at the moment. its getting to the point where I am thinking all this hardship may not be worth it.

Assume it has resumed.

Don't Love Bust
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Dealing with betrayel is one heck of a roller coaster ride. It just is. There is no going around that.

Get a GPS put in her car, also a VAR in her car. You will know right away if it is resumed.

No love busters, no angry outbursts, no relationship talk.

I would do the following:

Tell her that you would like to look at her phone.
If she refuses, then you know that she has something to hide.
At that point, you can demand that she end her affair. If she comes up with 10,000 explanations, and still doesn't agree to end her affair and join you in recovery then file for divorce.

You dont have children and have only been married for 4 years. You havent had sex in 3 years.

I would not run myself ragged spying on her and being a detective. It's not worth it...but it's your marriage.
-----------------------------

IF you want to save it and are willing to spy and potentially suffer through an affair and giving to her in Plan A, then Dr. Harley would advise you to Plan A for up to six months, quietly snoop to gain evidence of an affair, expose the affair and offer her a path to recovery using Dr. Harley's methods. At that point if she refused, you would enter Plan B for up to 2 years. At the end of the 2 years, if she still refused then file for divorce.