Does anyone have any advise about a WW going back to work? I would like to return to work but boundaries have always been an issue for me. I am a very open, friendly person and like to share my feelings with others. Of course, after going thru the program, I realize that I cannot share my feelings with members of the opposite sex or talk about my personal life. FTF and I need to come up with some kind of list of things for me to say in specific circumstances. Any advise?

FC,

Never have a conversation with anyone you do not tell your spouse about, this includes other females, since you want to avoid having those comforting conversations where you run down your spouse to someone else.

You can no longer have a secret second life and your husband too.

God Bless
Gamma

What are your EP's as of now?

Well, I tell him everything from how I truly feel to all my passwords. I am open and honest. We try to spend 15 hrs a week in UA time together. I try to be the source of his happiness instead of depleting his love bank. I'm sure there are others that I will think of later

Fc, these aren't extraordinary precautions, they are basic requirements for recovery.

What precautions do YOU have in place to prevent OS relationships?

I am unfamiliar with your thread; but as a general rule, any conditions which made the affair possible should be removed.

If a certain work environment made the affair possible, Dr. Harley would advise against returning to that environment.

You can email Dr. Harley for further clarification on this rule.

Also, the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) would apply: Never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.
Is your husband in enthusiastic agreement?

Hi FC:
Was that your email that was read on today's show (Mar 11) ?
If so, are you going to be on the show next week? Will your DH join you?

Is your Husband enthusiastic about you going back to work?

Are you hoping to go back to work in a similar field to the one in which you had the affair? That alone could put a strain on your marriage and should not be done.

Not talking about your personal life is a necessary precaution, but there is more to it than that. In mixed workplaces, we need to not "hang out" alone with someone of the opposite sex; no going for coffee or lunch or a quick drink after work (and indeed, not even going out in a group if you spouse is not present); no conversations about anything that isn't work-related; in short, no making friends in any way with men.

You express the problem as being about your liking to share your feelings, and indeed that would be a problem if you do that with someone of the opposite sex, but really, most affairs start as friendships and friendships do not have to start with discussions about your feelings or your personal life. They could start with discussions about politics or healthcare, or working closely on a project - remember Sue and the OM in SaA? They grew close over the lake restoration project.

If, after your affair and after having read some of the many stories on here, and having studied Dr H's materials, you do not have an instinctive wariness about all interactions with men, and if you find it hard to know when you are in potentially dangerous territories, then I think you should not be working in a mixed environment. You seem to be expressing a difficulty with your own judgements, and in that position you should not expose yourself to situations in which you will be tested.

I am not sure what you mean by "some kind of list of things for me to say in specific circumstances". Do you mean, for example, if a male colleague tells you you look pretty today? If he asks you to go for coffee? If he sits next to you at lunch? If he asks you how your weekend went?

Could you be more specific about the circumstances?

FC,

Specifically in your case, your H needs to know when there are men you are working with who match the type you have strong attractions to.

God Bless
Gamma

According to Dr. Harley's article, these were his suggestions.

Yes, that was my email. We will be on the show Tues

No, he would prefer I stay at home but I just can't anymore. I am going to go crazy

I was a teacher and was hoping to be a substitute teacher because it would work so well with our schedule and I could make more money doing that than anything else (which is one of the main reasons I would like to return to work).

I understand about not making friends with men or even conversing with them as little as possible. My question is more like what you said. What do I say when someone says I look pretty or likes my outfit or hair or complements me in any way. Or asks if I want to go out in a group? Or asks about my family?

Ok, so I will tell him if I am working with any men who have the body type I am attracted to

That should be extremely rare unless you are giving "open for business" signals. I have worked with all men since 1989 and men don't typically act that way at work unless they believe there is an opportunity. If some man does make an inappropriate comment about your appearance, just give him a frosty "thank you" and leave the room. If you do otherwise, he will get the impression that you are open for business. I don't know many married women that are too fond of that kind of treatment at work because they truly want to be respected in the workplace.


Say no thanks.


"they are fine, thank you."

FC, if you want to be taken seriously in business, it is real important to keep a professional distance from male colleagues. I KNOW what they say about women who they feel are "open for business." [women who flirt] It is really horrible. We had a receptionist once who was overly friendly and the next thing I know the drivers were murmuring about how she "gives blow jobs out in the parking lot." Suddenly she was the workplace pariah. The things they said about her were really disgusting.

Your typical flirt likes getting attention but they attract the wrong kind of attention in the business world. Successful flirts in highschool and highschool jobs are not successful in the world of business.

According to the Policy of Joint Agreement, you would not do anything that your spouse is not in enthusiastic agreement with.

Are you committed to following the POJA?

This is what concerns me, fc. You are going to be gaining at his expense.

You do not have to get a job in order to get out of the house or do something fulfilling.

So Dr. Harley answered your question on the radio show. What do you think of his advice?