Hey girl! You are okay in your feelings as well about sex. We all have our way to deal with the pain. I will be on and off all evening, h working, but I got to go start dinner and beat my children (just joking) they are buggin me though!<BR>Anyway .. I can tell you that you need to find a way to soften your heart. It take me forever to write in here how mine finally softened. But try to find a forgiveness book. Try to look at him differently, plan an intimate night, doing something that you have never done and make sure it wasn't done with OP, or it will trigger ill feelings.<BR>You plan it so it won't be like him forcing himself on you. <BR>What is fun or romantic to you? What was your favorite way to make love, favorite place, music? If you want your marriage, you do I am assuming? You must let go of the bitterness.<BR>I will be back after a while and if I have time I will write what changed my heart from cold to softer than I ever thought possible.<BR>My h knows I come here, but I don't want him to see what i write. Weird huh?<BR>Be back soon.<BR>m<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

maybe I'll let things proceed naturally whose knows. I'll check back later to hear your story. Maybe I can take some insight from it.

My dear Spicey, she is right.<P>You are going to have to find it from within yourself. No amount of anything from you H can make up for what he did, so there is no way for him to earn your forgiveness. You must be willing to find it within yourself.<P>I am not saying it is easy. There are many times I still feel I can't, even within the last week.<P>If you don't let him try he may decide to stop trying and then you will have missed one of the greatest blessings you could have ever known.<P>I feel loved by my H for the first time in our marriage, but only when I let him love me and I let myself feel it. The difference between bad and good is almost always me and my perception of myself and of him.<P>There are times that I would take back my old marriage and my old life just to have had my H stay faithful to me. I cry from heart the impossible desire to have had the marriage and caring we have now without having to endure the pain of his betrayal.<P>I cannot change what he did, and yes I could try to start a perfect marriage with someone else using the knowledge and strength I have now, but there would be no guarantees in that relationship either. <P>There was something there worthy of your love before. Find it, cling to it. Pray for strength.<P>There is absolutely no reason why you can't continue on with a better marriage than you thought possible with this man that you already love.<P>Sometimes it is best to listen to your heart, because the Lord my very well be guiding you through it. If you want to cry, cry on his shoulder, if you want to be held, let him hold you. If you want to be intimate, let him be intimate with you. Let him begin his healing by helping you heal.<P>My preacher told me something that hit home. He said that I have a wonderful opportunity to save my H soul. We have very strict views on Marriage and Divorce and if I left him then he would never again be able to marry in the sight of God. I can prevent him from possibly living a life of adultery and fornication and keep his soul out of Hell.<P>I don't mean to preach, but this helped me during some really tough times.

SPicey2,<P>I feel so bad, I couldn't get back on last night! H working on here until about midnight. I read some of the posts and I am not going to write anything in here, until I hear how you are and if he came home!<BR>Hope to hear good news from you soon. <BR>Hang in there!<BR>MAter<BR>

Mater H did not come home last night was up half the night. Talk with a smart alec friend wanted to stomp him in the ground because he knew something and wouldn't tell me. H did come by the house today while I was gone. He read the note that I left for him. He said he spent Friday getting very drunk. He said he broke down in front of his friends. In between crying he decided to take his own life. His friends stopped him. Cross your fingers maybe he'll be strong enough to come back tonight although I don't hold my breath because he said he can't bare to face me after what he did to me.