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There was a really good discussion on the radio show yesterday about OS friendships at work. I just heard it on the replay today. It was in response to the email question from "Dawn". I heard that! Lots of good stuff there.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I mentioned it to FC and was hoping she would get a chance to listen to it, but she didn't get a chance to. I thought it applied to our situation nicely. It actually made me think I needed to relax just a little. I got a much clearer understanding of "affectionate conversation".
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
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We were on the radio show yesterday. It seemed kind of short and I didn't get to say much but it was nice to hear that Dr Harley thinks we are making progress.
FC was not happy at all with the comments from Dr H about staying away from muscular men though. I think she took offense to it.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
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It was a good show. It doesn't matter if she took offense to Dr. Harley's suggestion to stay away from muscular men -- is she willing to do it?
Dr. Harley seemed positive you two are on the right track, which is great! Sounds like he thinks the main problem is that you need to concentrate on meeting her EN, and the two of you could start seeing great improvements by summer. Keep it up!
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Dr. Harley also started that you two do not know a lot about each other. Start investigating each other and learning everything you can -- this makes for great Intimate Conversation!
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It doesn't matter if she took offense to Dr. Harley's suggestion to stay away from muscular men -- is she willing to do it? She thinks it is ridiculous (as she said on the show) and is upset that Dr H "Thinks she is a big horn-ball that can't control herself". I don't think it is necessarily a big deal. I can see why she would feel that way.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
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Dr. Harley also started that you two do not know a lot about each other. Start investigating each other and learning everything you can -- this makes for great Intimate Conversation! i thought that was an interesting comment. We talked about that last night and we are not sure we totally agree. I talk to Kim today, so I'll ask her about it.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11) DD(7)
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Dr. Harley seemed positive you two are on the right track, which is great! Sounds like he thinks the main problem is that you need to concentrate on meeting her EN, and the two of you could start seeing great improvements by summer. Keep it up! He is more optimistic than I am but he is on the outside looking in so I'll take his word for it.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11) DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
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Dr. Harley also started that you two do not know a lot about each other. Start investigating each other and learning everything you can -- this makes for great Intimate Conversation! i thought that was an interesting comment. We talked about that last night and we are not sure we totally agree. I talk to Kim today, so I'll ask her about it. FTF I want to encourage you to give this a chance. Sounds like small thing but it really is a huge LB$ maker when your spouse knows you are interested in them and are tying to understand them especially if they have a high IC need . My DW's main complaint to me was I never talked with her or seemed interested in her life. I have learned more about how she feels in the last 2 1/2 years since we found MB than I did in the previous 30 years! IC has been the main ingredient in our MR and getting to know my DW again is how we started. Prisca is right give it a try! You guys keep it up!
Me 59 newly married after being a widow Married 1 year
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We were on the radio show yesterday. It seemed kind of short and I didn't get to say much but it was nice to hear that Dr Harley thinks we are making progress.
FC was not happy at all with the comments from Dr H about staying away from muscular men though. I think she took offense to it. So she is still struggling with EPs and extraordinary care for you???
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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We were on the radio show yesterday. It seemed kind of short and I didn't get to say much but it was nice to hear that Dr Harley thinks we are making progress.
FC was not happy at all with the comments from Dr H about staying away from muscular men though. I think she took offense to it. So she is still struggling with EPs and extraordinary care for you??? I think she just didn't like the comment. She didn't like the implication that she can't control herself.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11) DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
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We were on the radio show yesterday. It seemed kind of short and I didn't get to say much but it was nice to hear that Dr Harley thinks we are making progress.
FC was not happy at all with the comments from Dr H about staying away from muscular men though. I think she took offense to it. So she is still struggling with EPs and extraordinary care for you??? I think she just didn't like the comment. She didn't like the implication that she can't control herself. Can she? If she is pushing the job and you're not "enthusiastic" about it, that is a big red flag to me that she wouldn't uses extraordinary care for you.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Can she?
If she is pushing the job and you're not "enthusiastic" about it, that is a big red flag to me that she wouldn't uses extraordinary care for you. I told her I would be OK with her subbing. We can always try it and see.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11) DD(7)
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I don't think it's that Dr. Harley doesn't think she can control herself, it's that we need to do what we can to avoid temptation. Dr. Harley puts such restraints on himself.
I'm sorry your wife took offense, but it's a point worth considering.
Last edited by LifetimeLearner; 03/19/14 10:21 PM. Reason: Grammatical error
xFWW(me)-48 Married-14 years D-Day~23-May-11 NC- 14-Apr-11 1 DS 15 Online course July '11 to July '12 17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12 Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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FTF,
Your W, from my impressions of her postings and radio, never seemed to grasp what she did to you. Does W have any empathy for you?
God Bless Gamma
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FTF,
Your W, from my impressions of her postings and radio, never seemed to grasp what she did to you. Does W have any empathy for you?
God Bless Gamma I think she mostly feels what she feels. In other words, she regrets it mostly for how it affected her. Does she have any empathy for me? I would say yes, but she can't feel what I feel. I've thought about this a lot and so I reversed it, trying to see if I felt as bad for her as she feels for herself. I don't think I do, simply because I can't feel what she is feeling. Clear as mud? I keep waiting for Dr Harley to invent that machine he often talks about that allows us to feel what the other person is feeling.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11) DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
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Empathy:
"I understand how my going back to work will make you feel. I don't want to cause you any more anxiety. Let's come up with another plan instead." Enter POJA.
Not so much empathy:
"You say that my going back to work will stress you out, but I cannot live like I'm on probation and have to get out of this house."
Translation: I hear you but am not really going to do anything about it. This is about how I feel. You need to get over it.
Me (BH) FWW Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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She will be more likely to feel empathy when she is in love with you.
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Empathy:
"I understand how my going back to work will make you feel. I don't want to cause you any more anxiety. Let's come up with another plan instead." Enter POJA.
Not so much empathy:
"You say that my going back to work will stress you out, but I cannot live like I'm on probation and have to get out of this house."
Translation: I hear you but am not really going to do anything about it. This is about how I feel. You need to get over it. I think we are somewhere in between these two. It vacillates. She will be more likely to feel empathy when she is in love with you. And this is probably why.
Me (42) Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11) DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
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We were on the radio show yesterday. It seemed kind of short and I didn't get to say much but it was nice to hear that Dr Harley thinks we are making progress.
FC was not happy at all with the comments from Dr H about staying away from muscular men though. I think she took offense to it. So she is still struggling with EPs and extraordinary care for you??? I think she just didn't like the comment. She didn't like the implication that she can't control herself. I think this is a really good sign. When a former wayward can see the facts associated with their past behavior as absurdities now, that shows genuine progress. Good job to both of you.
me-65 wife-61 married for 40 years DS - 38, autistic, lives at home DD - 37, married and on her own DS - 32, still living with us
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