I would appreciate anyone�s advice. I�ve been married 30 years. 3 years ago, I had an affair with my first love (from when I was 18). He is also married. My husband discovered the affair, we were separated for a short time, he decided to forgive me and we agreed to rebuild our marriage. I thank God everyday that he was able to do that. I promised myself at the time that I would never, ever have the attitude of �why haven�t you gotten over this yet� because I was not in his shoes, feeling the pain that he felt, and I needed to give him space and room to get over this � no matter how long it takes. My problem, now, isn�t the length of time that he�s taken in �getting over this� � it�s that he refuses to get any type (Christian or secular) of counseling. He has no friends, literally. He has acquaintances, but he doesn�t confide in them. He�s a very private person, so I know that he�s dealing with this pain on his own. He used to lead 2 bible studies, so reading God�s word all of the time was rejuvenating for him. Now, he not only doesn�t read his bible anymore, he doesn�t even want to go to church. We used to have 2-3 couples that we were friends with (prior to the affair), but they refused to have anything to do with me after the affair was discovered, so in support of me, he separated himself from them. A noble thing to do for me, but I believe inwardly, he is blaming me for losing these friends. He makes no effort to meet new people and when I suggest that he join a men�s group or that we join a couple�s group, he refuses. He hasn�t made love to me in over 2 years. He says �he can�t�. That every time he begins, all he can think of is me with the other man. He�s drinking more (although I don�t believe he would qualify as an alcoholic). I�ve talked to him, to no avail. He won�t get help. We are further apart then ever, and I don�t know what else to do.

Forgot to add - my contact with the affair partner ended immediately upon discovery. I've been open to my husband searching my emails or texts whenever he likes. He's also a computer guy-so he knows how to do deep searches. He says that he trusts me that it has stopped - and it has - so that isn't the issue.

The problem is that you have not recovered from the affair.
Dr. Harley is a national expert on affair recovery and authored the authoritative book, Surviving an Affair.

The book is a detailed program of affair recovery.
If you follow the program, you will be in love with each other.

The problem is that you have not recovered from the affair. Your marriage is a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

Do either of you EVER see the OM? Does he live close by?

When there has been an affair, that inflicts a huge gaping wound to the marriage. If that wound is not healed and replaced with a better marriage, the resentment grows years after year.

That is what Marriage Builders does, it restores the romantic love to your marriage wiping out the trauma of the past. That program can be found in the book Surviving an Affair. There is a workbook that goes with it, Five Steps to Romantic Love. They sell the books cheap here or you can write Dr Harley on his radio show and he will give you a free book if he reads your story on the air.

No - neither of us see him. He is over 1000 miles away in another state. And if the problem is the non-recovery of our marriage - what can I do if I'm willing to seek help but he isn't. I can't think of anything that I'm not doing to help him.

But helping him is not the issue. The issue is recovering your marriage. That takes very specific steps. I would get those books, read them and then sell him on the solution.

Did your husband inform the OM's wife of the affair? Was the affair exposed?

Yes - he did. I've seen the book on here for 14.99 - does that include the workbook or is it another book? Also - should I get one for me and one for him?

You need to take the lead to provide just compensation. The book Surviving an Affair outlines exactly how to do this. You're husband will not recover from the A without Just Compensation, instead his resentment will only grow and grow.

But 'Surviving an Affair' by the title alone sounds as if it is for the spouse that was betrayed. If I've cut off all communication with the OM, and do my best on an everyday basis to love my husband and fill his needs but he isn't communicating with me - how can a book help me?

It helps you "affair proof" your marriage and shows what a horrible act you've committed against your husband.

Have you changed all your contact information? Written a NC letter?

What EPs have you put in place?

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Please read.
What is Just Compensation?

This concerns me as a BH (betrayed husband). Just compensation requires you to do whatever it takes to repair the marriage and show your love for your BH. Questioning a method without even trying said method isn't "whatever takes". Seems your a looking for a quick fix, there isn't one. Read the book cover to cover and follow the plan.

Also this.
Extraordinary Precautions-Revised SAA

Then it seems that I have mis-spoke. What I meant to say is that it 'appears' not it 'is' that the book seems to be directed to and only to the betrayed spouse. That is why I questioned purchasing the book. If that isn't the case, then one of you could have said 'this isn't just for the betrayed spouse - it's for you, too'. Instead of going right for the attack. Not being over-sensitive but I thought this was a forum for those who did the wrong as well as those wronged. Sorry....

I did do a No Contact letter. I got that information off of this website when we were separated.

And in looking at the revised list of Extraordinary Precautions, I have done 100% of them.

It is for the COUPLE that has experienced infidelity. It has a PLAN to recover your marriage. It is not enough to just affair proof your marriage. You must create a happy, romantic, integrated marriage that is BETTER than what you had. Otherwise, oyu just end up with what you have now: a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

That book, SAA, walks you through all the steps of creating a great marriage. Here is an overview of those steps: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html

It is much like an alcoholic. It is not enough for an alcoholic to just stop drinking. He needs to clean up his life and go through very specific steps to overcome the damage created by drinking and to prevent a repeat.