Glad to hear it, friend.

Like markos said

Help her know the new rules YOU will be following in order to improve yourself and your marriage.

POJA--you are going to close the loop holes on IB.

YOU are going to practice win/win negotiations with her.

If a conversation is spiraling out of control, you are going to XYZ ie "I'm going to pull weeds in the garden" "I'm going to take a shower and come back in 30 minutes when we are both feeling calm."

When she points out a mistake you have made you are going to thank her. You are going to repeat what she has said and check in with her to make sure you understand her feelings. ie "When XYZ happens you feel unappreciated and invalidated." Then make sure you know what you need to do or not do in the future. IB can drain your love bank fast.

At this point, much like myself after over three decades of IB, its likely her normal diffuse emotional pain level that is getting her down and hard for her to classify and simply state to you what it is that is so awful in a succinct fashion and get her point across to you. Thus she is blasting away.

Yes, IB makes you feel you are constantly being blasted and undermined. She's now developed this horrible AO habit in defense of your IB.

So the obvious answer as others have pointed out is to stop the IB madness. Its a really tough habit to break. My Dad grew up on a homestead in the bleak prairie country of Eastern Montana. HE lived his life out as a IBer. HE recently died while sitting in his old duck taped together recliner. He rarely talked. My parents had been mostly withdrawn from one another for years or else bickering about stupid stuff. When they celebrated their 60th anniversary, people asked my Dad his secret. He'd mubble--"I keep everything to myself" I was sorry to witness my parents living out their elder years this way. Freaked me out when I noted the same pattern was coming to fruition in my own marriage!

So Markos, I'm going to be on the radio show next week. Joyce was very gracious and I'm looking forward to speaking with them. I am a little apprehensive about discussing such private things on something that can be heard by many people. I'll let you know how it goes...DJ

Good for you, DivideJim!!

I have been on the radio show a few times, and I am always impressed by how compassionate and empathetic Dr. Harley and Joyce are. And Dr. H has an amazing way of getting to the meat of the matter.

I am sure you will find it inspirational.

So, I've discussed the topic of anger with my wife in great detail and we are at a stalemate on the topic. Because of the neglect that I've done to my wife over the past 30 years, she has a lot of anger. She feels that she needs to express that anger and that this is an honest expression of her feelings and doesn't understand why this is bad in a marriage. I can explain why its bad because when the anger is pointed at me, I don't want anything to do with her and want to just get away from the anger. I can see how this destroys any love that you have for the other person. I think that my wife has some good points about anger being honest and that she needs to communicate that anger to me and not hide it. How do I deal with this?...DJ

The problem with anger, no matter how honest it is or how we justify it, is that it's a love buster.

It's one thing to say that when you XXXX, that really bothers me. It's another thing to keep bringing it up and being angry about it.

She needs to be honest without being angry.

I understand where she's coming from. I also had a lot of anger after my H's affair and his neglect of my ENs over the years. I had a lot of angry outbursts. No matter that my H believed he "deserved" them, they were still a love buster. And each one withdrew love units from his love bank for me, even though he kind of "got" why I was angry.

Neither of us has had an angry outburst, for any reason, in a couple of years. We each feel so much safer with each other.

Have you stopped your independent behavior? Are you putting your wife first by always practicing the POJA?

LWFH, what did your husband do that influenced you to not need to express any anger? I think that in my case its probably my independent behavior that is at the root of the anger problem. I just wondered what made it so that you didn't feel the need to get angry anymore...DJ

My H's independent behavior was the root of many of our problems throughout our marriage. The best thing he ever did for us was to start putting me first and involving me in every decision, in every room of his life.

But I had to learn to control my own anger. There wasn't much my H could do for me about that. If I started to talk about old hurts, he would tell me that was unpleasant and that he didn't want to talk about the mistakes of the past. I guess he repeated that quite a lot the first year.

Once I refrained from talking about the past, it was easier to avoid the anger. But the best thing was to avoid ever dwelling on the mistakes in my own mind. And the way to do that was to build a much better present.

Once the present is better, the resentment over the past mistakes fades away.

There were a few times my H told me, always gently, that he was sorry he had hurt me and that my anger was hurting him and to please stop being angry. If I did not stop, then he was to tell me that he needed to leave the room until I calmed down. Neither spouse should tolerate the anger of the other.

I used the worksheet "Friends and Enemies of Good Conversation" from the Five Steps workbook to help me control what I brought up in conversation. I worked on this with my coach in the Online Program.

My wife has expressed to me that she has so much resentment and anger at some of my independent behavior that she has to get that out somehow. That makes sense to me. I've talked to her about being able to be angry but not to have angry outbursts but I'm not sure that is possible. She told me that expecting that would be like if she went and charged $10,000 to the credit card without telling me and then tied my hands behind my back and taped my mouth shut and then told me. That is how it feels to her. She feels that I'm trying to control her reaction to my independent behavior. I'm not sure that I understand how to reconcile that because what she says does make sense...DJ

But the best way to recompense your wife for your previous independent behavior is to change the present and make it much much better. In time, if you continue to put her first by using the POJA and PORH, she would begin to trust that you have her back.

The best way to control one's anger is to learn to relax in the face of frustration. She is using anger to punish you and that's not helpful for restoring your marriage. Sure, it's understandable that your wife wants to act out in anger. But it's not moving the marriage forward. It's hurting you, and it's turning her into someone you dread being with. It's also probably turning her into someone she doesn't like either.

Don't argue with her about her anger. Tell her that you are sorry you hurt her and that you are going to put her first for the rest of your life. Then tell her that her anger is hurting you. Then calmly leave the room if she continues raging at you and talking about it.

Is she willing to move forward on the marriage and build it something much much better with you?

My husband was an entrenched IB-er. A easy yet tough habit to break.

I spent so much time writing about how I felt in a journal. I'd poor out my feelings. After awhile these writing were like a prayer method as I appreciated how helpless I was to change him or another person.

But this action helped me control me. It was my outlet. This form of prayer was my outlet. Every morning before I did anything I'd start to write about anything. This also connected me to myself and my own heart and my sense of creativity. I believe this connection to my own creativity is direct from my creator. I believe all this 'work' has helped me stop the cycle of getting upset that lead to AO with my husband over his IB.