The purpose of moving to another state is so you have family support. It is to help your emotional and physical health. John McCain didn't like being in a Vietnamese prison as a POW and wanted to go back to the USA because he didn't like the daily torture.

Do you enjoy this hell? It will ruin your health. There are many spouses on MB TRAPPED in states with NO family support after their husbands abandoned the family. Once it enters the local court system, they cant leave! Don't join their club, it's not a joyous bunch.

CALL a lawyer today in the other state, tell him/her that you want to move there and file for divorce there. The atty can give you guidance.

I speak from experience....my wife abandoned the family and I am now 2,000 miles away from family...raising 3 kids with NO family support system.

The purpose of Plan B is to protect your physical and emotional health. Dr. Harley states that a woman can develop serious emotional and physical disorders if she does not isolate herself from a cheating husband.

You should prepare for divorce in the following manner: Contact an attorney in the other state and tell him you want to live near family and file for divorce there. Filing for divorce does not mean that you will actually get divorced but it protects your legal rights.

Have you read these?
How to Plan B Correctly
What are Plan A and Plan B?

Thanks Jedi_Knight for your advice. I will call the attorneys at other state for more details.

@BrainHurts Yeah, I had read those two articles, but obviously I didn't really understand "plan b" by then. Now I think i have a better understanding.

What state would you like to move to? You can easily find the divorce/separation laws and residency requirements online.

If your WH is so worried about money, he would be stupid to drop you and/or the children off his insurance...since you are still married HE would also be liable for any medical debt so don't think he gets off from joint liabilites...nothing has been filed.

What state is this? I have never heard of that unless there is a pending legal action or issued legal order. You can ck this info for accuracy online as well. I would NOT bring up all the various issues with him...don't show your hand.

I suggest you email him at work and ask him if he is still open to you moving to state X with the children since he wants a D. Get him to respond to you in writing that he is ok with you moving. At least you will have that in writing...that you spoke to him and he agreed (don't get too bogged down with all sorts of contingencies).

Sample:

WH, you said you were open to me moving to StateX with the kids since you want a divorce. I am going to start looking for a job there so please confirm that you are still in agreement of me moving there with the kids. I don't want to waste anyone's time if you aren't. Thanks.

BW

ETA: If he responds with what he told you before...yeah sure if you have a job and child care...then you have a good case for not coming back if he later files as there is no mention of child custody/visitation etc. I would give it a try.

Or you may consider filing for separation in your current state and you could include in there that it is agreed you will move to state x with the children. You would have to do some research to see what teeth such an agreement would have. Then when you move you can file D after meeting residency requirements. But you may have to deal with no support for that time period to establish residency. Just thinking...

xp,

Is WH's father in the picture?

@black_raven Thanks for your suggestion. It's HI to CA. Sent out the agreement of moving w/ kids letter. no response yet, not sure if he would want to put it in writing. it's a torture for him too to leave the kids.

WH's father passed away more than 10 years ago.

You're welcome.

I was going to suggest packing up your vehicle and driving but that ain't gonna work lol. SInce you would be separated by an ocean...that could be a good thing. CA has a six month residency for filing divorce and you have to live in the same county for three. However, you can file for separation immediately.

This is for SF county but gives you some info:
http://www.sfsuperiorcourt.org/self-help/legal-separation

I'm guessing shipping costs would be very high. Other than shipping your car (if it makes sense to do so), you may not want to take much and just go ASAP. I moved several times across the country and left/sold what didn't make sense to take.

Maybe WH will wake up when you are in Plan B but you need to do what is best for you and your children if he continues to be a wayward. I lived in SoCal most of my life. If you have questions that you don't want to post on the Forum, feel free to click the notify button below and ask the moderator for my email address.

Thank you so much, black_raven!

Dont worry about the car and everything else.
You can get furniture at thrift stores if you need to.
Family support is important if you end up being a single parent.

Please do NOT state that WH cares about the kids...because if he cared about them he would not selfishly break up the family so he could have sex with another woman.

You can buy new stuff.

Nothing is more valuable than yours and your children being surrounded by love and support.

Do the people in CA know what is happening in your marriage and want to be your emotional support system?

Jedi_Knight and reading, i don't have any relatives in the states, the WH (used to be)and kids are my family. what WH said to the MC was, he felt too much responsibility and stress being my only closest person in the world. But in CA i have many friends who would support me. now only a couple of very close friends know about it.

i just cannot believe all these. he's willing to leave the kids, given they are so little. i'd never thought he could be this kind of person. but the reality is my two friends in CA had WH cheated on them, and divorced, and never got reconciled. The ironic thing is WH's sister got cheated by her husband, and divorced. Back then, my WH was so angry and even wanted to beat the shxx out of ex-BIL. but now, he got tons of reason to justify his behavior.

not too many successfully reconciled cases I know. maybe it's just that not everyone will have a happy ending.

Let me guess. They did all of the following.

a) Stayed in full contact with their wayward spouses. Continued meeting all their required needs, like Family Commitment.
b) The WS behaved horribly to them, financially and emotionally cruel
c) Whenever the waywards had a relationship problem they picked on the betrayed spouse. She was the punchbag.
d) After a few years the BS despised the wayward so much she would never reconcile. The BS was such a wreck by this point she wasnt attractive to the WS either.

This is why most people don't reconcile. Plan B protects this from happening. Even if you don't ever reconcile it is important to escape the emotional abuse heading your way.

95 per cent of affairs end in two years if the BS just gets out of the way and allows them to have fights with each other instead of always with her.

This describes most waywards. The person most at risk of an affair is the person who thinks only demonic, disgusting people have them and that they would never do such a thing.

The person safest from having an affair are the ones who know it is quite natural to develop feelings of intense love for close friends over time. So you maybe shouldnt become very close with people of the opposite sex!

You dont have family?
why do you want to move out of state then?

You need to make sure this is a rational move.
Will you have income?
Do you have a job now?

Hi, I suppose this is my dilemma. Leave her to it and let her and the OM self destruct or plan A and actively compete with the OM but at the same time be used as a punchbag for all my WS problems. Hard to know which is more likely to succeed. I have plan A for about 3 months so far.

My friends are like my family. they can give me the emotional support that I need. Also, I'm thinking about asking a relative for help for the initial several months after we move to CA. Otherwise I'll hire a nanny.

I have a job at the current state now. I'm looking for jobs in CA.