New to sight and could use some help.

Situation
Have been married to my high school sweetheart 14 years but didn't get married till I was 24. We dated through college and both ended up cheating on each other before getting married. We got married and have been married since then. Mostly good times. 6 years ago she cheated on me and we worked through things and things were good until yesterday I found out she cheated on me with a brother of one of her coworkers that is 20 years old. She is 36 and I am 38.
Both times she has cheated she has befriended the guy when he is depressed and helped him through tough times and then the guy shows her attention and it turns sexual. Both relationships have been mainly over Facebook, texting and snapchat and then it turns sexual. This last one caught me completely by surprise as I thought things were good as we had been on a couple trips this winter.
We have 3 kids 11,8,and 3.
Here is where I could use help. I love my kids and cannot think of being without them everyday. I also love my wife but cannot put myself up for this heartbreak again. There is something wrong in that she turns away from me in stressful times and turns elsewhere. She constantly has her phone like it is an egg she is trying to hatch.

In the good times I feel we are great together but I can't take these hard times again. Me heart says yes but my brain says no way. I feel so bad for my kids as they are great kids and don't deserve this. She seems to not be remorseful and isn't sure what she wants.
I don't claim to be perfect as I definitely am not.

Please help with some advice. I am having an initial consult with a lawyer on Monday.

Thanks

Hi Outdoorsman, welcome to MArriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. The problem with your wife is that she has very poor boundaries around men, but I think you already realize this.

It has been our experience that exposure is the most potent weapon you have in saving your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and exposure takes away all the fun. It is no fun to have an affair when everyone is looking on. The more people who know, the more people to hold your wife accountable. Exposure tends to have the effect of bursting the fantasy which gives the cheater the motivation to work on the marriage.

So, the first step that we advise is to expose the affair and run off the OM. If you can run him off [and OM are very easy to get rid off usually because they are punks and cowards] and kill the affair, we can help you create an affair proof marriage that is romantic and passionate. There are no guarantees, but these steps have proven to be the most effective.

Please go read the thread on Exposure that is linked in my signature and come back and lets talk.

Hi Outdoorsman, like MelodyLane pointed out, if your wife knows that her secret second life will be aired for all to see in the light of day, her fantasy will be no longer fun. She may then decide that it is worth it to firm up her boundaries.

Then the two of you can work together to affair proof your marriage, and this will never happen again.

She is not remorseful at the moment because when people have affairs, they are just like an addict, and they don't reason like the rest of us. Unfortunately, you will have to tow the load for a little while until after exposure. It takes a bit of time for that fog to lift, but if you read other stories on here, it DOES usually lift.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

As you're getting ready to expose please read these.
Surviving an Affair-Start Here First

Hi outdoorsman,
Welcome! You've found the best place to get real help with your marriage. PLEASE do NOT tell your W(wife) yet about MB because we will be helping you make plans to end this affair and rebuild your marriage.

First thing... Read the first thread "Start Here" at the top of this forum. That will help you to understand the advice & suggestions you are going to be given.

Also, do NOT move out. Your kids need you as much as you need them. If anyone ends up having to leave, make sure it's HER, WITHOUT the kids!

How did you discover this affair? Is it being conducted by phone calls, text, computer, personal meets or all of the above?
Did you confront her? And what was her response?

Do you know this guy? His name? Address? Phone number? And what is his marital status?

Good idea about seeing the lawyer. You don't have to make any definite decisions now but it is smart to protect your finances and best interests.

She is gone with her family for the weekend and they all know. She is still unwilling to stop talking to the other guy. So exposure is happening right now. She isn't really talking to anyone but the other guy.

You need to do the exposure, not her. She will spin it "that she's done with your marriage" and try and blameshift.

When can you expose? Who is on your exposure list?

Exposure includes the OM's friends and family.


Also, do you control the cell phone account??? Might want to update the password (so she doesn't guess your normal passwords) and simply shut down her phone.

She's not entitled to the benefits of marriage.

If she gets mad, then you know you are being effective.

Might need to take control of the home's wifi network to so she can't just use an app to communicate with OM even when there's no cell service.

Welcome to MB.

Have you ever cheated on your wife since marriage? Have you flirted with women, or had an emotional affair? Did you live together before your were married?

She has her own cell phone acct so I have no control over that. She is going to stay somewhere else when she gets back tomorrow and we will split time with kids. I have not cheated or done anything abnormal since I was in college. We lived together for a couple years before we were married

On exposure list
Have told a couple friends and expect om family to know sometime today. I am in the same business as the om dad and believe that we both respect each other. Am expecting om dad to be not happy with him.

I found out by asking her what was going on and she told me about the affair

Will you be exposing to OM's family?

On exposure list
Om family should be later today. I know the guys dad and believe that he will b very unhappy about this. I don't know any of his friends as he is half my age. Can't see what she thinks he has to offer he is still in college.

Found out about affair from confronting her.

Did you read this?
Exposure 101

Does he have a Facebook account?

You do know "somewhere" will include OM, don't you??

There's a whole sub-forum here called "Operation Investigate" which you can peruse for help snooping on your wife. Having all the REAL information is often very helpful when deciding what to do. I found simply hiding a voice activated recording device in my wife's car the most useful. It's not like you can believe anything she tells you.

Does your wife know you are going to see an attorney?

No it is a mutual friend that I trust to tell me if she is with him and staying with her parents when she has our kids. If she is unwilling to give him up we will b getting a divorce. Haven't told her that but will when I see her tomorrow.

She does know that I am going to an atty

Considering the history here and this not being her first affair you are going to need to step things up and learn fast here. The techniques you used before to "save" your marriage were obviously disastrous. This affair is obviously ridiculous in that she has no intention of running off to be with this college boy. She will merely do this one more day and one more day after that and one more day after that and so on and so on for as long as you'll allow it and OM doesn't get bored.

You're gonna need to be tough here but not in a screaming angry manner but in a calm, calculated, direct kind of way establishing a firm boundary that she can't keep playing around with OM and expect you to still be there when she it ends. Going to see a lawyer next week to consider your options is a good first step. It changes things up and lets her know she can't keep you this time.

Mr. W