We can tell him why he has affairs for free. He has affairs because he has poor boundaries around women and has a career where he can pursue affairs.

You won't have poor boundaries around the opposite sex if you change your boundaries and remove the environment that led to the affairs. That is part of the marriage builders recovery plan.

P.s. I would suggest that your husband going to counseling is a huge distraction at a time that his marriage is crashing. That is most waywards DREAM to go waste time in counseling instead of making the necessary changes to his marriage.

Counseling is a great way to waste time and won't help your marriage.

Your H doesn't need counseling to find out why he has poor boundaries. Everyone can be trusted under some conditions, and no one can be trusted under others. We are ALL wired to have affairs, and as I said in my first post, if we don't actually have a plan to prevent an affair, we are likely to have one.

If everyone had extraordinary precautions, affairs would be virtually nonexistent. My H had poor boundaries around women, and now, because of following EPs, his boundaries are great.

I've always known I could be tempted by another man in the right conditions, so I have always practiced EPs, even when I didn't know about them officially.

My dear, I'm so sorry, but my H said something very similar when I first discovered his affair. The physical side of the affair was only about 6 weeks old, with their having had sex perhaps on 3 occasions in that time, when I discovered foreign-language condoms in his underwear drawer. He told me that the affair was just a sideshow...a bit of fun for both of them, and he'd felt that it wouldn't be a huge deal to me if I found out because our marriage was horrible at the time and we had very little to do with each other; why would I care?

He described OW as a bored married woman who also had a dull marriage and who was looking for some excitement; that was it. When I asked him fearfully if they were in love with each other he said scornfully "of course not!" When I asked him if he planned to leave me for her, he said even more scornfully that no, he had never planned to leave; this was a fling and I shouldn't be so dramatic.

This woman did not work directly with him, but was a client to the Belgian branch of his company. When he went to Brussels about twice a month for one or two nights at a time, they had been hanging around in the bar after meetings and flirting, eventually kissing and deciding to meet in his hotel for sex. She wasn't even as close to him as the OW in your case, because there was no need for her to be at most of his meetings in Brussels. But what they had was an easy opportunity to meet without their spouses knowing.

Anyway, having told me the above about how little the affair meant to him at the six weeks mark, he simply continued to see her every time he was in Brussels after that, for TWO YEARS until I realised that they had never stopped meeting. By that time they were in love and she was ready to leave her H for him. And because I still hadn't discovered MB I did not insist that he leave the job straight away. I begged him to find another job and he applied for internal posts, but I thought he'd resent me if I made him leave and I dared not do this. From March 2005 to August 2006, the date I finally told him I was leaving because I could not survive any more hurt, which was when he went to work and said he was not travelling ever again...between those 17 months when I finally put my foot down I had about 6 more D Days. Some were days on which I only discovered more "I love you" text messages, but 3 were days on which I discovered that he was still having sex with her. 3 subsequent occasions following the two previous occasions, two years apart (2003 and 2005), during which I continued to suffer D Days.

This all came after his declaration that the affair was just a fling and she meant nothing to her, a mere 6 weeks into the affair. That is where I started and about 10 D Days later is where I finished. They continued to have phone contact between Brussels and London, at work where I could not monitor him and with his lying to me, of course, for another 5 years. I could only believe that the affair was over when he finally retired for good. He is at home now with no mobile phone and a PC that he does not know is being monitored. That is what it came to in order to stop the affair, for me.

I want to avoid that happening to you, and I just don't believe that if he works with this woman he will be able to stay out of bed with her. Dr Harley has seen the affair continue so routinely that he never, ever deviates from his advice for a job change. This forum has never seen a case of successful recovery without a job change. I'm living proof of a near breakdown without a job change.

It won't work for you so please spare yourself further devastation and make the job change happen, or give up on the marriage.

Broken,

What have you done to expose your affair with OM, have you told his wife and etc, exposed him at his work and church?

Has your BH confronted him or threatened him with a lawsuit?

God Bless
Gamma

I do realize this. I am horrified and disgusted by my husband's behavior and communicated to him that the fact that this was a subordinate was particularly difficult for me to understand.

Affairs usually don't make any sense at all. Don't look for any logic. People will jeopardize their families and careers for the thrill of an affair. They don't make any sense; that's why about 95% of all affairs fall apart.

But there is logic in Dr. Harley's research and success in recovering from infidelity. He has helped thousands of couples recover using the steps given here.

The first is letting each other know the full extent of the affair (s) and letting the betrayed spouse of the OM/OW know so they can be watching on their end.

Broken,

Another point is that adultery is a crime, and just as we feel no obligation to conceal the identity of a bank robber, we have no obligation to conceal the identity of a cheater.

Protecting infidelity with secrecy is a disease we need to cure.

God Bless
Gamma

My OM is not married, he is divorced. My H told his family about my affair and my friends know about my affair, but my family does not. It is my next step and it will be difficult to do. My family is very judgmental. However, I just messaged the OW's H about the affair and a message to my family is the next step. I am terrified of the fallout from this, but I'm trusting this process.

Can I ask.... On the Exposure 101 site, it said that the BS (and in this case, I'm the BS and the WS), should not tell the WS that they were told to expose from the MB site. I get that. As we start the recovery process, should I share the MB information with my H? Print the information and buy the books?

Thank you for sharing your story. It gave me the push I needed to contact the OW's H. I have also sent an exposure letter to my family. And now I'm waiting for the fallout, which is sure to be substantial.

I am doing that now. Will you all help me with the next steps? I have read the site, but am not clear on anything anymore.

Broken,

While you are at it expose to OM exW, kids, parent, grand parents, workplace.

Was there any downside for OM? This must kill your BH if not.

God Bless
Gamma

We will help you through the steps.

For now, I would not mention this website or use the terms MB uses. When your H expresses his willingness to recover your marriage, then that would be the time to let him know of MB.

In the meanwhile, you should order the book SAA. It comes in a plain box, or you can download it from the Amazon website.

Is your H willing to end his affair and all communication with the OW?

If he is willing to end all communication and send a No Contact letter, that would be a good time to address recovery, starting with Extraordinary Precautions.

Meanwhile, make sure you have eliminated your love busters. Be in Plan A, meaning you are being a great wife, expressing a willingness to meet his ENs once his affair is over, completely over.

Please read this.
Exposing to the Children

My OM's ex and kids and family all know. We were together for 5 years in high school and college and his family and friends know me and know that I'm married. But the OM went through a horrible divorce with an unkind woman and they all feel that I've "brought OM back to life" so they aren't disapproving. It's all wrong, I know.

Well, I'm sure you all don't need me to tell you this, but you were right. Exposure was the right thing to do. My H and I had some time together this afternoon. He told me that he told the OW that it was over and that he loved me and wanted to work on our marriage. She apparently said she was getting a new job. All of this occurred without me knowing yesterday. But then I exposed to the OW's H. When I sat down with my H, he had just gotten a call from the frantic OW, upset because I had exposed to her H. The fact that in the middle of all of her chaos, she was contacting my H for support, was proof enough to me that exposing was the right thing to do. Even when I left to go pick up my kids, my H returned her call and apologized to her that he put her in this position. I think I knew that my H was more deeply entrenched than he admitted and all of this just proved the point. My H was angry at me that I exposed to the OW's H, saying it wasn't my place, but I stuck to my guns and just repeatedly told him that I wasn't worried about their marriage, I was worried about ours and that he could be angry, but I didn't want him to lose sight of the fact that I did this for us, not to be petty and vindictive. By the end of the night, his anger had subsided a great deal. My H also called his family and told him that he had cheated on me. So I guess yesterday was our big exposure day. Almost everyone that is important in our life, knows. The thing that we haven't done is sit down and answer all of each other's questions about what has transpired, and this is the part that I'm scared about because my H knows far less about my affair than I know about his (I think).

At least for the next week, they still work at the same job and she reports to him. He told me that he would only discuss work with her and that he "ended it" yesterday. He is looking for a new job and she has been offered a job that she says she is going to take. Should we wait to start recovery efforts until after their contact with each other has been completely eliminated?

And I haven't said this yet, but thank you, thank you, thank you all for your help. You feel like my life boat right now.