That is a great first step, bjc! there isn't much you can do until the affair is ended* but you can read up on this program and start putting things into place. I would get the truth telling about your affair out of the way NOW so you can move onto next steps.

Getting this one OW out of the way does not resolve the basic problem, which is the environment in which he works. Unless this changes, the affairs won't stop. He clearly is a loose cannon in an office setting. I would be brainstorming for occupations/businesses where he can be held accountable throughout the day. One such solution might be to go into business together so you are together 24/7.

If he just gets another job in another law office, then you are facing more of the same, I assure you.

*the affair is not over until all contact has ended. Changing the name of an affair to business contact will be of no use

Can you describe the conversation with the OW's husband? What was his reaction?

On that subject:

I worry that even if he goes into an all-male law practice he will have one-to-one access to women. Being a lawyer practicing family or general law puts people into positions where they can have one-to-one, confidential, long-term intimate conversations with people of the opposite sex.

In the same way that we would say that a male pastor must not counsel women in his congregation without his wife present, and people should not see counsellors of the opposite sex, I would say that certain kinds of law are too dangerous for for flirty, Lothario men to practice.

I agree with you regarding his job. One of the issues that he had with my exposure to the OW's H is that I just "made the decision unilaterally." I did and I own that and I'm not sorry. But shouldn't he get to be involved with the decisions regarding his career? How can I demand that he change careers? There is no legal job where he is not going to come into contact with women. And this is what we went to school for and it's all we know.

I didn't have his phone number or a way to contact him, other than through FB, so I sent him a FB message. I know that is a crappy way to find out this information, but I guess I figured that no one wants to find out about an affair the way that they do. I simply told him that I was truly sorry to have to write this message, but that I learned that my H and his W had been having an affair. I told him that I read the texts, that they were meeting at work and at bars after hours, that it was physical in nature, and that they had met as recently as last Wednesday. I told him that I have made the decision to try and save my marriage and that I do not believe that can happen if my H and his W continue to be in contact. That I have asked my H to leave his job, but that if his W has the opportunity to do it first, she should. And, of course, I apologized for telling him if he was hearing it for the first time.

I never heard anything back from him, but apparently he told his W that he received a message from me. She called my H, frantic, wanting to know what was in the message. My H claims that he told her he didn't know and that he couldn't help her with it because he had his own stuff to deal with, but I don't believe that he really said that. When I asked him if he talked to her, he started to lie and say that he had not, but then he confessed that she had texted him, asking him to call her, and that he had called her when I left to go get my kids.

He works in government, administrative law. He does not see individual clients....the state we live in is his client. The women he comes in contact with are secretaries, paralegals, or other female attorneys. That is an unavoidable thing in this profession. I can't think of a single law office or government agency that doesn't have a woman working in it.

Yes and no, the decision should be made together, HOWEVER, if he wants to remain married to you, he doesn't have a choice about finding a career where you are protected. This is a DEAL BREAKER because he has a history of not being able to control himself in the workplace.

And he will find himself JOBLESS if his employer finds out that he exploits direct reports. So it is dangerous to his career and his marriage for him to have a supervisory position. He is a loose cannon who is on a path to blow himself up.

Finding a job where you are completely protected is part and parcel of extraordinary precautions.

You and your H need to put your heads together and brainstorm new careers that will ENSURE that he can be held accountable 24/7.

He is a smart guy. He will have to figure it out. He is on a path to career ruination right now and might end up selling door to door burglar alarms if he doesn't change his career quickly.

I work at a Fortune 500 company and know of a certain Sr Vice President who was caught having an affair with a female subordinate. When discovered he was escorted off the premises by an armed security guard. The last I knew, he was selling door to door ADT home alarm systems. <-----that is your husbands future.

I would make sure you SPEAK to him personally because OW are NOTORIOUS for intercepting emails, facebook messages. They are usually WATCHING for such exposures. I would not say anything to your husband, but quietly contact this guy in person or on phone.

He did this in his last job where he didn't supervise women. He was always complaining that the people he worked for were weird and that he was lonely and didn't have any friends. He befriended an admin assistant from another department and they would take breaks together, text each other all the time (including on holidays when we were with my family, which is when I told him that it was inappropriate). I guess that's why I'm worried. He'll do it with women in the workplace, whether or not they report to him (the reporting to him makes it worse, though, and right now....there are two that report to him. The OW and another single woman that he has poor boundaries with). He's going to need to find a job where he works with only males?

I know another upper middle management executive who was fired for a workplace affair. He delivers pizzas!!

What will happen to your husband when it is discovered he is exploiting his direct reports? Do you know there have been lawsuits WON when spouses sue the workplace because their marriage was wrecked by a workplace affair?

Your husband is playing Russian roulette with his career and it is only a matter of time before he self destructs.

You and your husband will need to figure it out. Did you read my suggestion about going into business together?

Yes, I did. And we will figure it out. I recognize that everything he has done has been a build-up to this current situation, where he was so reckless. And...again....I'm not just focusing on him. My OM lives out of town and without phone calls, texts or e-mails, I have no reason to be in contact with him. I have worked with males in my office for 12 years and have never, ever had an inappropriate relationship or boundary with any of them. So I'm thinking your suggestion is to address my issues as well?

Yes, you should both have extraordinary precautions in place to protect your marriage. Because you have both failed with your own set of boundaries.

Absolutely! But he is a serial cheater, so a more global approach is in order. Neither one of you, for example, should have friends of the opposite sex and it seems that is where you erred. The office is not a place of temptation for you, but it is for him. The goal is to eliminate the environment that made the affair <s> possible. With him, that is an office full of women, with you it was probably maintaining friends of the opposite sex. A serial cheater requires a more global approach.

That's deeply concerning. I feel like I read that there was very little hope that a serial cheater could actually make a recovery in a marriage.

They require more Extraordinary precautions to be in place but if Dr. Harley's methods are followed, the marriage can thrive.
I can think of a few posters who had serial cheating spouses that changed.

So, can I ask....how quickly is all of this suppose to be happening? I found out about my H's affair on Saturday. By yesterday, I had exposed to the OW's H, our family and our friends (both my H's affair, and my own). My H and I have had three or four conversations about the extent of our relationships, but we have not sat down and had "the" conversation....where we answer all of the outstanding questions with brutal truth and put the actual affair part to bed. I have downloaded SAA, which may answer many of these questions, but I'm just wondering if I'm frantically trying to do too much at once or if this kind of quick action is what's necessary?

What is even more difficult is a life of continued affairs. Many people choose to just leave the marriage. When you consider your options, you should know what it will take to recover your marriage and protect you from repeat affairs.

There is hope if he makes radical changes in his lifestyle to prevent a repeat. It means making his secret second life impossible. It is difficult but not impossible.

I just called the OW's H. He said he had no desire to talk to me and that he has already talked to his wife. I told him that I wanted to make sure that it was him that got my message....Not his wife. He said that he was the one who received it. I told him that I was not trying to interfere in his marriage, but was trying to take care of my own. He was angry and said I should just take care of my business. I think it's safe to say that he either does not believe me or his wife has convinced him that it was less than what it was.