Plan A:

exposed to WH's family, several his close friends, my family, some of my close friends, 3-4 WH and OM's close mutual friends.

Unless i hire PI in China, I cant find out OM's H or family's contact info. Friends at current state are H's colleagues. Haven't told H and my mutual friends in CA. wondering if i need to expose to these ppl.

Affair on-going, WH wont let me meet his needs (staying with me only meet the domestic support and family commitment needs). we don't even talk much now. We are already very busy with work and taking care of the two very young kids. when he's nice to the kids, I thought he won't leave us. but it turned out he thought even divorced, kids could still carry on a good life. Now, I don't have much love to him either.

one positive point of keep doing plan A is one more manpower to take care of the 5-mon old an 4yr old. baby still wakes up several time a night, sometimes both ones.


Plan B

option 1:

i can stay in the current state. H previously said he doesn't want to waste our money to move to another apt. He would just stay in his office over night (prob. he's just waiting for me to say oh it's too much, you can just stay home). I guess that's not conforming to plan b. I could insist him to rent a apt for himself.

So the kids could see father more often. I could have MIL readily help me with the kids. less change for kids.

Another thing is i don't know when OM will move here. WH said OM is divorcing her H. Not sure if it's true. But WH dosn't want me to contact OM's H, said it will just make us divorce faster. But isn't that what he always wanted?

option 2:

I move to another state. HI to CA, a lot of work, but I would have my friends' support. I definitely would be happier since I always wanted to move back. But I need to find a job first, shouldn't be too difficult, but still might take several months. Not sure if i should move there without a job. I need to find a nanny, or i need to apply visa for my relative to come here to help me. Need to find daycare for my daughter.

kids less time to see father. WH will suffer / miss us more, I suppose? distance might create problems for our already dying marriage, but it will also create problems for WH and OM, I hope.

So what should i do now? please help! thanks a lot!

would it make any difference if i ask WH to read the book SAA?

Thanks, indiegirl. I guess i should get out of the way. but the thing is i don't even know when OM will move to the states and start their fights...

This is exactly what my XH used to say quite overlooking that that is the deal in marraige!

People who say this want to do their own thing and they want you to find other stuff to make you happy - they sure don't want the job. They don't want a marriage they want a woman on the back burner.



It's not your problem where he stays. Out he goes and he can figure it out like a big boy. Pack his bags and think no more about it. In Plan B you don't meet your spouses needs like providing affection or care - you let them fall victim to their own choices.

If he wants to have an affair OF COURSE he is going to need a new place. Boo hoo that it costs money. What he wants is the all-time fantasy of being allowed to do it from his family home.



Another thing that is not your problem!!

He will very quickly realise that you are gone and he has this girl on is hands full time now.

This girl is like candy and you are like nourishing food. Your WH wants you to amuse yourself while he gets a hit of candy and then when he is beginnning to get a bit sick of the the sugar he will say to candy-girl: "uh oh I better go appease that nasty wife of mine". So he gets a good feed of nourishment from you until he is ready for more candy.

Once you are out of the way he won't be able to hold her off any more. There won't be any reason to not join her in the relationship she wants.

Then all he will have is candy. All the time. Till he is sick of it.

That's why they dont last.

i briefly summarized the 3 options I'm considering above: plan a, plan b option 1, and plan b option 2. Would anyone here please give me some suggestions what to do next? Thanks a lot!

seems like my question is being ignored. is it you guys think I already got the answer but still keep asking the same question?

I would hire a PI and get the OW's husbands contact information. Go into Plan B immediately and start making arrangements to move back to California where you will be away from your H and his OW and close to supportive friends.

Plan A is only supposed to last 3-4 weeks so you are done with that. I would go into a true Plan B asap while you make arrangements to move away.

Plan A means you commit to meeting his needs in the future *IF* he ends his affair. It is not realistic to believe you can meets his needs now. Nor does it make any difference since he is emotionally invested elsewhere.

If you move away to California, you can tell him that if he ends his affair and commits to the MB program, he can follow you to California.

Translation: it will just ruin his affair faster.

Will your MIL reach out to this skank and try to run her off?

Thanks, MelodyLane. Sometimes i feel like i need some push. I'll work on the PI this afternoon. Will make arrangements for plan b.

One thing to add, i also exposed to my almost 4yr daughter. I told her daddy won't be able to live with us because he loves another woman and it's a wrong thing to do. She almost cried and when she got home saw WH, she just kept repeating "Daddy stop loving that woman"! WH doesn't react much. I'm not sure how much DD understands about this, but she seems to forget about it pretty soon. I don't want to press her too much. She's just a baby.

As to my MIL, she and sister-in-law don't want to get involved too much, and I don't think MIL wants to confront OM. But I'll check with her anyway.

i just called that OM, talking about my kids are so young and that... she didn't even show one bit of regret. then i threat to email her bosses and tell them the affair. one minute later she sent email that she would end relationship with WH. should i believe her?

now my dear husband is sending me msg asking me don't send those emails... the posom and wh don't have the slightest moral standard and never gave a shxx of my kids' life! her tone of talking to me is so condescending and it's like a slap on my face that it's my fault my WH is cheating on me while im pregnant. i'm so furious about my WH!

You really need to expose at work.

i've been sending emails to this posow and wh from nov last year. talked to them nicely and asking them to stop and my baby was only one month old! they dont [censored] care! now she's keeping sending me msg asking not to ruin her career... now she cares! it's like the end of my world to me, but to her, prob. just fuxxx another man and have some fun. how convenient!

EXPOSE her at work. Expose the affair at work.

I did.

Good job on the exposure; Did you expose to company officers (CEO, President)?
A great exposure website is www.cheaterville.com.
I encourage you to expose there too

Yeah, I exposed to a couple of VPs, and some managers.

How are your Plan B preps coming on?

WH wanted to proceed to divorce coz he thought there are way too much damage to our marriage to reconcile. My MIL supports him on that. According to him, OW is blaming him that his leaking of her contact info led to the exposure of the A at her work place. If they are not breaking up yet, at least they are having fights.

We discussed some child visitation plan and financial plan today. As to Plan B, before i found a job in CA, I would still stay in the current state and he will move out. But I have some difficulty dropping off my DD to daycare in the morning, due to my work schedule. WH wants to help me on that. But then he would be able to see the kids everyday, just not spend the night at home. I don't think it would be that much like a divorce. In addition, he would be able to pick up kids and spend the evening 2 days at weekday, and one full day till 9pm at weekend. During the day, since my MIL is living with us, he would be able to come home as he wants, but I won't be present. I know that's not a good plan b, but for my situation, I think that's the best i can come up with right now.

i'm working very hard to find a job in CA. then i can move over there and do a true Plan B. we'll have a friend as IM there.

So, before I move to CA, shall I do a not-so-perfect Plan B or still plan A? Although WH insist on D, he's kinda nice to me, probably because he doesn't want me and the kids to hate him.

xpbrain, it needs to be set up so he can't come in the house. That is the point of Plan B, to show him what it will be like if he is divorced. He will need to pick up the kids and take them elsewhere for his visits. That is ok if your MIL gives him the kids at the door, but he should never be in your home. You don't want him hanging around because defeats the whole purpose.

Your friend in California can be your IM now because an IM does her work via email.


Can't you find another way to do this? How will this trade off take place? How old is this child?