Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 2
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 2
First, I'm not sure just where I should have posted this ... so, let me know if this isn't the best fit.

Well, I first came here probably 7 or 8 years ago after going through a divorce with my wife. I can provide as much background as any here feel is needed, but for this post I will keep it more contemporary.

So, she had lived with and broke up with her affair-partner, then had a boyfriend for a few years and last summer broke up with him. Over the years, we have been off and on contact-wise, but never anything romantic. I had even given her two no contact letters, the latter wasn't even a Plan B, but just flat out: no contact. She contacts me. We go a year without speaking after she leaves town with her boyfriend: she contacts me. Anyhow, she is still out of town for scholl, and after this breakup she is in town and we again get a little closer, and after a few days I decide to ask her how she thinks I feel about her. I was honestly 50/50 at this point, and even now am not 100% certain, but I do want to give it a go and see where it would lead. It has been 8 years after all since it ended. So, I ask her, and I did expect it to go well ... it went, not bad, but I wasn't happy about the outcome. She basically said she doesn't feel attracted to me. She gave some other excuses before saying that also, such as how she was only in town for another week, or how she doesn't think we are compatible any more. I basically said that long distance is a non-issue, and that I'm also not certain if we are compatible. Given that she lives out of state, I pointed out that all I was really suggesting is that we make a point to talk a bit more, maybe once a week or so, and that I couldn't expect her to not date: we hadn't made a commitment. She said it made her uncomfortable to have this in the back of her mind, that I wanted us to get back together. I think what changed that she had earlier in the day said she was going out with a 'friend' before her, a few friends, and myself were meeting up. I knew this 'friend' was a date (seemingly a hook up given that she was only in town for a week), so at the end of our talk I asked her: Is this 'friend' a date? And she, meekly, whispered into the phone, "Yes." I said, "Have a good time, I'll see you later tonight." I'm not sure if this was the best idea, but I did want her to know that I respect her space, and can't expect anything of her at this point. It seemed to do the trick, and things went pretty well later that night. So, she goes back to school, and I get busy so I don't get around to calling her. Low and behold, she calls me to talk about something in class that she knew I have a deep interest in. Over the next month or two, she initiates contact a handful of times, and asks for my help editing a few papers. So I'm feeling that things are going very well. She tells me she is coming to town soon (a week ago right now), and that we should get a party together so she could see all her friends, that we shold go for a hike. So, her brother ends up having a party, and that is when we see each other since she got back. It was a little awkward this time, but awkward in the way that two people who have feelings for each other would be awkward: a little silence, then think of a topic to talk about, etc. Our conversation got better as the night went on, we danced a little, and no, we didn't stay by each others side the whole time. By the end of the party she brings up the guy she went on a date with the last time, and I just openly ask her what's with that? She asked what I meant, and I explained that their worldviews weren't even compatabile, if he's just a 'no strings attached' type situation I could understand: she said that's what it was ... then shortly after stumbled off to drive to his house and knock on his door in the middle of the night. I should have stopped her from driving drunk, but I didn't; mostly cause I had been drinking too and wasn't thinking straight, but also because I didn't want to come off as controlling ... which is a stupid reason. Anyway. Despite that, we've chatted a bit since then, and then yesterday she asks me if I want to meet up for a work out. Again, similar chemistry, although not quite as touchy as at times in the past. Low and behold, she met up with that guy again last night (well, 95% sure), and tonight had a date planned ... with a tourist. And we have plans to hang out together with friends both tomorrow and Friday, before she leaves Saturday.

Now, I'm not interested in any judgement of her actions, I can respect them for what they are; we are not together after all. I get the sense that ... not sure ... she is beginning to consider her and I as a couple again, but is not at the point to take it to the next step, so her hookup is an 'uncomplicated' way of getting her desires satisfied. Also, my financial situation is not the best, and although my prospects are great, it doesn't look certain to her, especially after years of potential gone unfulfilled. Not sure exactly why I decided to come back on here and post, quite honestly ... I just want some insight, or actually I probably just want someone to tell me I'm reading the situation right, and that we are likely to get back together as long as I continue to improve my own life and help develop what we already have. That said, I am completely open to what anyone has to say about this. Also, I'm willing to bet there are details that will probably need to be filled in: just ask!

-StrongAndWeak

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 2
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 2
It occurred to me that the main reason for me deciding to post was both wanting reassurance, but just as much just needing to vent and get some small part of it off my chest.

Anyway, we had dinner with a married couple who we are both friends with, and the woman has been a close friend of hers since High School, which I was just out of and she was still in when we met. The dinner went well, in a sense ... we were friendly as usual, and she would even glance at me repeatedly. It was also good for her to see me interacting with young children. On the negative side, she did leave for a date; presumably the same tourist that she saw the night before.

Our conversation at the table and my conversation with the couple after she left did confirm as well as clarify some things. I should mention, they've always been firm supporters of our marriage. One thing that is definitely in the way of us getting back together is my present financial situation, but our friends made a few good points: she is looking for one thing, but really needs (and even wants) something else; also, she still needs to grow up emotionally, or, more apt, become more emotionally self-aware.

Her best friend also made a good point I hadn't really considered: she is afraid to open up, to be vulnerable, and get hurt again. She already had issues with her father always making and breaking promises (interestingly her parents are divorced, and seem to have a similar continued attraction to each other ... this even goes for her brother and his ex-wife). Add to that how important I was, and am, to her and how much I hurt her when I cheated on her (we cheated on each other, although the emotional part of her affair began much earlier than any part of my affair), and it makes perfect sense.

When we met she recognized that she gave her heart away too easily, now it seems that she gets involved with men who are stable to some degree, but that she can be dominant over as a way of keeping emotional distance.

I'm not even sure if it would be good for her, and thus us, to get back together at this very moment... then again, her being open to that would be a sign that maybe it would be good. I know what I need to do: keep improving myself, my life, and not brood over her. The last part I'm typically very good about, it just gets hard when she is in town ... and when I know of her going on flings, or even dates. I know I don't need her, and that I can be completely happy and fulfilled without her, in fact that is often times how I feel. But ... I still love her; I know she still has feelings for me; and I know that we make an amazing team.

Thus why I chose the name StrongAndWeak, same I had all those years ago ... this is both the strongest, and the weakest, I've ever felt.

I feel she has an emotional wall, and I wish I could break it down ... it makes sense to me that the best way to do that is to continue our interactions, and let it grow, strengthen the comfort, all without pressuring her.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted By: StrongAndWeak

that we should get a party together so she could see all her friends, that we shold go for a hike. So, her brother ends up having a party, and that is when we see each other since she got back. It was a little awkward this time, but awkward in the way that two people who have feelings for each other would be awkward: a little silence, then think of a topic to talk about, etc. Our conversation got better as the night went on, we danced a little, and no, we didn't stay by each others side the whole time. By the end of the party she brings up the guy she went on a date with the last time, and I just openly ask her what's with that? She asked what I meant, and I explained that their worldviews weren't even compatabile, if he's just a 'no strings attached' type situation I could understand: she said that's what it was ... then shortly after stumbled off to drive to his house and knock on his door in the middle of the night.


First let's treat her like a new girlfriend - a date with whom there is no bad past.

What kind of man dates a woman who skips out on the date to go calling on men in the middle of the night? That isn't marriage material. That isn't even good manners.

Secondly lets look at the history here:

It is a very bad idea to continue to stay in contact with a wayward past an initial Plan A. Very bad idea to continue to be their friend. You've basically told them you don't care how you are treated.

Was her A never exposed?

Dr H once told a man who tried the buddy plan for two years that he had enabled his WW to treat him badly and made recovery virtually impossible. He said two years without any action meant his wife viewed him as a door mat.

Originally Posted By: StrongAndWeak
I feel she has an emotional wall, and I wish I could break it down ... it makes sense to me that the best way to do that is to continue our interactions, and let it grow, strengthen the comfort, all without pressuring her.


That's entirely your call. How's that working out for you?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted By: StrongAndWeak
... it makes sense to me that the best way to do that is to continue our interactions, and let it grow, strengthen the comfort, all without pressuring her.


Dr. Harley is sometimes asked if a man can make a woman fall in love with him, and the answer is yes. How? By making love bank deposits and avoiding love bank withdrawls.

You may be able to win your ex wife back; however, is that in YOUR best interest?

One of the benefits of having "no contact" is no drama from the ex. I've been divorced for a couple years and do not speak to my ex wife.

I understand that you both cheated and so you are willing to not be so harsh with her about her affair but ask yourself how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Would you like to have a healthy marriage? Or a marriage with continued affairs?

Personally, I think you should cut off all contact with her and view her as poison to YOUR life.
However, if you want to win her back just keep making love bank deposits by meeting her emotional needs.

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted By: StrongAndWeak
By the end of the party she brings up the guy she went on a date with the last time, and I just openly ask her what's with that? She asked what I meant, and I explained that their worldviews weren't even compatabile, if he's just a 'no strings attached' type situation I could understand: she said that's what it was ...

then shortly after stumbled off to drive to his house and knock on his door in the middle of the night. I should have stopped her from driving drunk, but I didn't; mostly cause I had been drinking too and wasn't thinking straight, but also because I didn't want to come off as controlling ... which is a stupid reason.

-StrongAndWeak


I fail to see anything attractive about this woman.
She sounds like a party animal, driving drunk and knocking on mens doors at night for sex.

Do you have any self value, Sir?

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
SW, you need to tell XWW that you must go plan B on her. That NC must remain in place until she ends all other opposite sex relationships and you will not be put into back up position by her.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting her back. She has to want you as well. She is not showing that.

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Strong and Weak,
You explained why you chose your forum name, and I want to comment on that. Strong and weak doesn't win the race. Slow and steady does.

Don't make any decisions about your ex wife. Instead, learn about the Marriage Builders concepts. Read Dr. Harley's books. The four I would recommend are: 1) Surviving an Affair, 2) Buyers, Renter, and Freeloaders, 3) Love Busters, and 4) His Needs/Her Needs. Once you have learned the program you will have new and healthy outlook on marriage, and you will learn how to have a happy, passionate marriage where romantic love endures. It works if you learn the concepts and apply them faithfully.

Once you have done this you can then decide if pursuing a second chance with your ex wife is doable. You have a lot time to decide, and I would use it to your advantage by educating yourself on a framework that has been proven to be successful by thousands of very happy married couples, myself included. Good luck.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Seriously, you still see hope? She's obviously not on the same page. It sounds like she's just leading you on for what you can do for her. Who wants a one-way relationship? You were married to this woman, so you know. How is she different NOW than she was THEN? Let her go. You don't need to TELL her you're going Plan B, just do it. Move on, there are good women out there who know how and want to commit.

BTW, have you got your stuff (that you hinted about) straightened out enough to be in a relationship, much less a marriage with anyone? Work on you.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Obviously, you still have some feelings of love for her (read the Love Bank link to see why)
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

There ARE other women in the world though........some you could adore and be true to and build a great relationship with given proper care.

Read up on all the concepts here to refresh your memory about them and to find out how they pertain to your current life situation, as an unmarried man.








Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 41 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5