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As a general rule, the IM should be same sex all the female mutual friend are good friends of mine. WH would feel they are biased. although this friend is WH's good buddy, he's also a BH before. He thinks we definitely should reconcile.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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When's WH leaving? Did you find OW's contacts? I asked him to leave asap, before Friday. He didn't tell me when he's gonna leave. I got a feel that he's gonna force me to talk about divorce again if i want him to move out. i haven't found OW's contacts yet. I know her cell, trying to get a hold of the call records. but it's difficult. contacted a company provide this service today, but hasn't got back to me yet.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Posts: 227
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feel like just want to get it over with. WH is such a POS.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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As a general rule, the IM should be same sex all the female mutual friend are good friends of mine. WH would feel they are biased. although this friend is WH's good buddy, he's also a BH before. He thinks we definitely should reconcile. Nooo! It is so easy to bond with a fellow betrayed person. Do not let a man into the intimate details of your marriage. That is all your H did! How can he feel bad about that when you are doing the same? Your IM is SUPPOSED to be someone he will not like. Choose someone who will behave neutrally but will act for YOUR interests, who is female. Do not care for one moment what your WH thinks of the choice. If it bothers him so much he can decide to be faithful and come home. I asked him to leave asap, before Friday. Asking a wayward to leave is kind of like asking a penguin to fly. Change the locks next time he is out of the home. Have his belongings sent on. Don't wait for him to do anything. You drive this bus.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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When's WH leaving? Did you find OW's contacts? I asked him to leave asap, before Friday. He didn't tell me when he's gonna leave. I got a feel that he's gonna force me to talk about divorce again if i want him to move out. i haven't found OW's contacts yet. I know her cell, trying to get a hold of the call records. but it's difficult. contacted a company provide this service today, but hasn't got back to me yet. Can you move his stuff into a box and change the locks? You know the OW's name, correct? Did you run a background report?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Not all our friends know about this (many are related to his work), so my choices are very limited. I'd never share intimate details with him, actually i'm not very close to this friend. we don't live in the same city. I already asked him, and he agreed.
I can't change locks. we live in the company housing. I could only threat to ask help from our neighbors, aka, his colleagues, to help me move, so that he would agree to move out.
OW is in China, I couldn't run background check, and it's difficult to find her contacts. I don't know her much, and WH's friends. trying to find a PI now.
My aunt called the OW yesterday. Don't know the details yet.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
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Is OW on any social networks?
Are these friends that you haven't exposed to, friends of your marriage? Will they put pressure on your WH to end his affair? If so, then I would expose to them.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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OW is not on any social network. but I exposed to 5-6 their close friends, and her work place.
Will the waywards actually listen to anyone? His family talked to him, my family talked to him, the marriage counselor talked to him about all the consequences with the kids, no use.... Those that I haven't exposed to either related to work, either are more of friends on my side. After I exposed the A to IM, he tried to call WH, but WH just wouldn't talk to him. They supposed to very good friends for a long time.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Posts: 227
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just read through the "False Recovery" thread...God, this is so difficult, and we are not even close to get the A end. it might take months and even years...
Can i just go to CA with kids and end all these? i don't see any hope on him. Did i tell you guys that it's very very difficult for him to find the job that he's currently doing at CA, or even else where? We might have a long distance situation for child visitation for a long time. i think he's selfish enough to hold on to this job and not relocate to CA with me (We lived in CA for a long time and moved to the current state for his job). He already said, this job is for the kids...
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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xpbrain, I would move as fast as you can and get out of there. Let him follow you to California. You are going to have to deal with him as long as you live in his company housing so I would get going and get moving.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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xpbrain, I would move as fast as you can and get out of there. Let him follow you to California. You are going to have to deal with him as long as you live in his company housing so I would get going and get moving. yeah, i'm trying very hard to find jobs in CA, pretty promising, I think. but he got a good job here, which is very important to him, and the chances of him finding similar ones in CA are very slim. i seriously doubt he would follow us to CA even if he's out of the fog. then that would be issue of justified compensation VS. POJA. I guess I shouldn't worry about that now?
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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xpbrain, I would move as fast as you can and get out of there. Let him follow you to California. You are going to have to deal with him as long as you live in his company housing so I would get going and get moving. yeah, i'm trying very hard to find jobs in CA, pretty promising, I think. but he got a good job here, which is very important to him, and the chances of him finding similar ones in CA are very slim. i seriously doubt he would follow us to CA even if he's out of the fog. then that would be issue of justified compensation VS. POJA. I guess I shouldn't worry about that now? If he is serious about reconciliation, he will follow you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How soon can you get to California?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 227
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How soon can you get to California? need to find a job first. there's one opening my friend might be able to refer me. it takes at least a couple months to get the offer. then arrange moving.
Last edited by xpbrain1; 04/02/14 09:02 PM.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
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How soon can you get to California? need to find a job first. there's one opening my friend might be able to refer me. it takes at least a couple months to get the offer. then arrange moving. Is there anyone that you could move and stay with in CA, until you find a job?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 227
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Is there anyone that you could move and stay with in CA, until you find a job? Thanks BrainHurts. I don't have any relatives in CA. I can't really imagine living with my friends with two young kids, most of them have their own kids, it would really too much for them. My aunts called my WH and even the OW, trying to convince them to end the affair. I know they want the best for me, but they don't agree on the approach I'm taking. They even apologized that I shouldn't really expose them, might be too extreme. And they called me again to make sure I keep being nice to him, tolerate him, wait for the affair to die a natual death, just for the sake of kids, and WH used to be a nice guy. I didn't even bother to explain my approach, just a bit disappointed. No wonder ppl want to have affairs, they got rewarded for cheating.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
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Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4 |
It is sad that there are alot of people whom know nothing of how to survive and fight an affair.
I worry about you. Are you nursing the baby? Can you go to your doctor for some ADs?
At the very least, can you ask your WH to move out?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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they don't agree on the approach I'm taking. They even apologized that I shouldn't really expose them, might be too extreme. And they called me again to make sure I keep being nice to him, tolerate him, wait for the affair to die a natual death, just for the sake of kids, and WH used to be a nice guy.
I didn't even bother to explain my approach, just a bit disappointed. No wonder ppl want to have affairs, they got rewarded for cheating. There are many casualties and much fallout after an A. Your friends and family will show their true colors. Try not to listen to them too much. They don't understand how to deal with A's. Putting your trust in Dr. Harley is a good thing. It saved my M. Conventional wisdom by the general public falls on the opposite end of spectrum. It amazes me how A's are glorified in the media. There are even TV shows ABOUT adultery making it look like a good and exciting idea. Makes me sick. My FWW's A has created much turmoil with our family. To this day there is still fallout we are dealing with 3 years later. The good news is that if your H commits himself to R, you create and amazing M together! Sorry you are experiencing this. I understand exactly what you are going through.
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It is sad that there are alot of people whom know nothing of how to survive and fight an affair.
I worry about you. Are you nursing the baby? Can you go to your doctor for some ADs?
At the very least, can you ask your WH to move out? Thanks, BrainHurts. I'm doing ok  . I'm not sure if I need ADs, but I won't be against when I need them. I'm still nursing the baby, but I plan to cut it soon. I firmly asked WH to move out by COB this Friday, otherwise I will ask help from his colleagues to help me move. That's the last thing WH wants his colleagues to know about his A.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 227
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Posts: 227 |
There are many casualties and much fallout after an A. Your friends and family will show their true colors. Try not to listen to them too much. They don't understand how to deal with A's. Putting your trust in Dr. Harley is a good thing. It saved my M. Conventional wisdom by the general public falls on the opposite end of spectrum. It amazes me how A's are glorified in the media. There are even TV shows ABOUT adultery making it look like a good and exciting idea. Makes me sick.
My FWW's A has created much turmoil with our family. To this day there is still fallout we are dealing with 3 years later. The good news is that if your H commits himself to R, you create and amazing M together!
Sorry you are experiencing this. I understand exactly what you are going through. Thanks, 20YearHistory. I understand my relatives want the best for me. They try to reason with me with their own experience and stories they heard. But I'm certain the kind of FR my WH is willing to do, will most likely end up another A, or resuming A. I wouldn't want to experience and live the A over and over again.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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