Interesting. Why haven't you ran for the hills?

There is nothing to save here. You just keep propping up this fantasy she has that she is Princess IAmSoImportantandMustNeverFaceConsequences.

How on earth can she expect to keep you? Just go. No more quacks or navel gazing.

Let her be.

The fact OM was never exposed says it all really.

What this boils down to is she does not want to work at this. Saying she doesn't possess the skills or whatnot is nonsense. If I offend someone or hurt someone, I possess the ability to apologize, never repeat the behavior, and change my behaviors to create a safer environment...If I want to.

You know who can't control their anger? 3 year olds. Again, if she truly wanted to she could control her anger.

This boils down to what you want out of your marriage and how you feel you deserve tobe treated. If it were me, I'd have a list of what I needed from her as a wife and if she couldn't provide, then I'd be done.

Yeah, I regret it. I wasn't aware of MB until months in. I hesitated, then talked myself out of doing it, based on the information I had at the time. I had no real idea of the duration, or any of the details, of what had happened, and what was still happening. I was 300 miles away working during the week, and like an idiot, "giving her space". I was pretty naive.

By the time I knew what had actually happened, she had already begun NC.

So, reconcile or divorce, would you recommend that I still expose OM, after all this time of confirmed NC? Will it help me? Will it help her?

What do you think about that?

I would post him on www.cheaterville.com and then send links to the posting to all the "Customer Review" websites out there.

You posted this 4 months ago...and you still havent exposed to OM family and friends?
If you want to have a good marriage, you need to actively fight for it.

Well it sets a precedent. Men who come near your wife will face basic consequences. It shows your wife you are protective. It serves justice (how many other high school students does he target?)

If someone broke into your home it would be a no-brainer. By breaking into your marriage he has caused far more expense, upset and violation.

Why WOULDN'T you expose OM?

Yeah, I chickened out I guess. I wasn't getting any result from exposure on her side, and got discouraged. Also, right after that post, I consulted with the MC on the issue of exposure. She did not approve. I take responsibility, but that's the truth. I wish I had just done it.

Thank you, indiegirl. Food for thought. I really don't have much to lose at this point and it would probably make me feel good. It would feel like some sort of justice.

Where did the decision to come in to avoid it? You were advised here to do it right? Did she ask you not to?

Yes, the MC said it was ill advised. As did others in my immediate family.

That's my question. If someone affronts you, why wouldn't you fight back? I am always baffled when betrayed spouses are afraid to fight the enemy. Don't they see this as a war?

A really really good way to keep counselling clients coming in, paying money hand over fist is to advise they not do anything proactive.

Better yet if they can get you talking about long dead childhood problems that can't be solved now. That will keep you busy for ages.

It's been encouraging a great deal of silliness in your WW. It's proabably too late to get her to talk like an ordinary human now.

One who can control their anger.. good grief.

I just wrote up an exposure letter for his family and neighbors. I gathered names and addresses a few months back. I will post this letter to all of those people in the coming weeks (right before we go out of town for spring break) and I won't tell anyone (except this forum) before I do it.

If she decides to leave me over it when we get back from vacation, then so be it. I really don't have anything to lose if she's not actually willing to save the marriage through commitment and hard work.

I only wish I had done this sooner so I could have saved myself (and potentially my wife) a few months of misery.

Thank you all for holding me accountable on this.

Have you read this?
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

Not to mention all the money you could have saved that you have spent on quacks. Dr H would probably given you the advice you needed for free on the radio months ago. No kids, no entwined finances, almost instant adultery - he would have told you to tell everyone you could think of that they were both dangerous and then leave! Even when people pay for marriage counselling they get a set plan, a timescale and they get to speak to many former clients who have happily recovered. If you've got a rogue spouse on your hands the Harley's will tell you straight that the program will not work and that you should move on.

I wouldn't put any more effort in unless she starts to sound like someone truly remorseful who will do whatever it takes. I don't hold out a lot of hope as I think she is queen of entitlement. I think that in addition to exposure you should start implementing a Plan B. You've been Plan Aing for ages anyway and Plan B will mean healing, which means a divorce hurts less if it comes to it.

No, I had not read that thread. Reading now. All I can say is holy @#$%. I don't know if we're in FR or not, but it sure as hell isn't a very successful R so far.

I thought I had mastered the snooping, but she still has a phone at work, and there could be a secret phone for all I know. She definitely seems like she's back in the fog a bit.

Who knows. I know she'll go ballistic when she finds out about the exposure letter I'm sending OM's family and friends. Oh well, I'm not getting any younger and I am so sick of being sad/mad/disappointed/hurt every single day.

...seeing a lot of the red flags mentioned by others in my situation.

-Lack of remorse/repentance
-Lack of commitment to work on the recovery
-Does not bring up the A
-many more...

Does she know you exposed?

You mean my exposure on her side? No, she does not. None of the friends and family on her side that I talked to have approached her about it at all.

And, just to be clear, I haven't exposed on his side. Doing that in two weeks, the week we're out of town. Will have someone drop the letters in the mail a few days after we're gone.

Why do you ask?