Is it true that with the condition like my WH, deep in the fog, no intention of recovery for our marriage, it would at least take several months for him to wake up?

HE will only come out of the fog if his affair ends. If he ends his affair and cuts off contact with the OW, then his fog will dissipate over several months. However, he CAN commit to end his affair and recover the marriage while in the fog. As long as he does that, there is hope.

WE hear this type of advice quite often. It is easy to give such advice when it is not their ox getting gored. Dr Harely, on the other hand, completely understands the damaging effects staying in touch has on a woman's mental health and he recommends separation.

Thanks, Mel. wish we still got hope.

We have to remember that "the fog" is a term Dr. Harley uses to describe "irrational thinking." (as explained on his Radio Show)

So, it can take several months or years for a wayward to "come out of the fog."
That is why exposure is so important: it speeds up the natural death of the affair.
After the affair dies a natural death, the wayward will be in depression and withdrawl (as described in Surviving an Affair)for several weeks before they start to emerge from the fog.

My (now ex)wife's affair started more than 2 years ago and she is still in the fog!

I'm sorry to hear that, Jedi.

WH will move out tomorrow. However, somehow, he chose to move to his office. I know it's none of my business, but just don't understand. i told him to get his own apt, and can't come to our apt during kids visitation. anyway, it's very sad... i thought he wouldn't leave the kids and his mom... MIL got sick again. He cares about his mother a lot. and last saturday, he sworn that he would not contact OW on his mom's health. And today, i reminded him that and he said he will keep that promise. shall i believe him? if he's not going to contact ow, why wouldn't let me check his phone freely and give me all his passwords... and he is still not willing to commit to the family. anyway, it's good he's moving out. from tomorrow, no contact with him.

My own family, who are lovely and supportive, didn't really understand the need to be as 'extreme' as changing my contact details. When I banned mention of his name they thought it was so odd..He was the main thing they wanted to talk about!

However a few months into Plan B, my mother discovered her sister's daughter was also a BW. She immediately recommended the MB plan and this website to her sister.

When describing the advice she gave to her sister she said: "I have no doubt that this plan will save any marraige that can be saved. If it can't it is his fault. You know we don't even talk about Indie's WH any more and it is so much better"

I said: "That sounds as though you don't even discuss him when I am not around?!" She replied: "We don't. Since you cut him out, we see he can't hurt you and you getting better and stronger. So he stopped being of any importance."

Great xp, so you will enter Plan B tomorrow, correct?

When will you be handing him the letter? What do you have planned for yourself?

xpbrain, he is in touch with the OW every day. I am sorry, but you cannot believe him. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

Thanks guys for your replies.

@ indiegirl, thanks for sharing your experience. The elders in my family all have an opinion of what i should do to save my marriage, and it would be disrespect if I don't follow their advice. It is a big disappointment that I was hoping they could help me with the kids during the transition time when I move to CA. but, now it makes the situation more difficult.

@ BH, I will start plan b today. I sort of wrote him a plan b email on 3/18, but I didn't have IM ready and some of the details planned out. Then on 3/31, I found out although WH agreed to cut contacts with OW, he refused to work on the marriage, refuse to have extraordinary precautions, i emailed him again to have him move out by 4/4. This time, I have IM ready, kids visitation plan ready. and he set up sth temporary at his office, won't come back home sleep tonight.

I will keep looking for CA jobs. i think now i have little love left for him. I will keep working on myself, more workout, taking care babies. I don't get good sleep because of my 5-month old wakes up way too often at night. Now I'm the only person take care of him at night and have to work during the day. hope to catch up some sleep during WH's visitation time and over the weekends.

@Mel, It's blowing my mind that how he would ever do this to his mother if he really is in tough with OW every day. He's always very close to him mother, esp after his father passed away, and his mother is in poor health now.

Would it be helpful if i ask IM to send WH the link of the thread "recently exposed my affair to my wife.." to show what kind of efforts should be put into recovery? But WH now is still in love with OW, worry about her a lot, won't delete any contact info, etc. Or shall I wait till he's remorseful and want to make amends himself? Thanks a lot!

I would wait until he's ready for recovery. It will do no good trying to educate a wayward.

Thanks, BH.

How are you doing? Is he out?

nonono...... He doesn't care one whit about your efforts and you will just lose the board as a resource.

Did he leave?

@BH and Mel, He's out. But i'm not doing so good. Probably because of lack of sleep, or his moving out, I felt very very sad today. Not so many good news today. Got word back from the contact person of the job i'm applying. The senior she knows from the group would not recommend working there. it's chaotic, that's what she said. But I'm still going to apply, at least get in first and then do internal transfer. That company would be my best fit to start a new life.

Also, my current boss is not too happy about my schedule change to accommodate the plan b, I have to drop off DD myself. I've already take many hours to go to counseling sessions, and kids wellness check, maternity leave and stuff. I wish i can just quit. but it would be great deal of stress without a job in sight and have to pay for rent, kids daycare and everything.

I really hate the poswh.

Sorry friend, the first few days to weeks are the worst.

Take one step at a time. Can you get some rest this weekend?

Try not to think of it all at one time.

Apply for the jobs and cross that bridge when it gets here.

Can you spread your days off or time off throughout the weeks? Is there anyone at work you can share rides with or drop off duties?

Thanks, BH. Yeah, over the weekend, MIL will watch both kids in the morning and I can catch some sleep. This is just hopeless... i don't even know he would ever come to his sense. I really want to divorce him and make him hurt!

I guess I can take some time off... I can ask help from my DD's classmates' parents, but they are all my WH's colleagues, might have the risk of knowing sth is wrong in our family.

Tell them that your husband is having an affair and breaking up the family and you need help with the kids

plan b has been very difficult on me emotionally.

it really got me when my boss asked me how long does the change of work schedule will be need. I said I don't know and ended the conversation by asking if we could talk about it another time. I really don't want to cry in front of my boss. Then i told boss it's just temporary, should be just 3-4 months. I will most likely be in CA at that time.

Over the weekend, MIL got sick again. It's like everything, I mean every single thing is against me right now. She told me I might need to ask help from my relatives to take care of the kids. She wanted to help me so much, but just she's too old and can't really take the stress.

Then my relatives wanted to lecture me how to survive the affair by tolerating the WH. All I want is sb. to help me with the kids while i'm working full time. I guess sometimes, nanny might be a better option.

WH moved out on Friday. Visited kids and MIL on Sat. He did come in the apt since MIL is sick and couldn't really go out at that time. I went out for a movie and a hair cut.

Feeling blue. More than ever I wanted to be with my friends. I think he would never come to his senses, and more than ever I want to divorce him.