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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
When a man is done, he's done - I read that on this site somewhere.
No, you heard that in an aftershave commercial.
Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
He thinks I can't cut it sexually for him and so he will move on to someone who will.
There is no woman on this planet who is going to want a permanent relationship with a selfish guy like this.


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DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
I don't think it will happen Melody. We went through a similar scenario about a year ago to the day. When a man is done, he's done - I read that on this site somewhere. He thinks I can't cut it sexually for him and so he will move on to someone who will.

Now how do I move on, that's my big worry.



You go into plan b and move on.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Plan B has two important components: no contact, and time. If you do plan B properly, over time you will not worry about what he's doing and it won't matter to you. Right now you're still believing something is wrong with you because he's been telling you that. Be patient with yourself because it takes a long time to get to the point where you realize that being "better at it" wouldn't have made a hill of beans difference in whether he would show you care. You would have been rewarded for "being better at it" with a pile more of his wants to cater to, believe me. Your plan B keeps you from living in that kind of h***.


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The last time this happened, he came back about a month later promising he would love and cherish me always. That "promise" lasted about six months - he even made New Year's Day miserable over sex.

I can't imagine being able to hang in for a Plan B but I'll have to stick to my guns if he doesn't come to me with his own plan for restoration.

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Bluebird,
Exercise and activity have helped many, many of us through grief. The natural high of the endorphins, as I just explained to another poster on this site, will help ease your emptiness.

It's great that you are staying with your mom and visiting your cousin. That will help you over the next three weeks.

Do you remember I suggested that you do service? Well, today I went to a food locker to get help for a lady that my wife knows who has lost her home and is destitute. I thought of you while I was there, because I was watching how happy and fulfilled the volunteers were in working together to help the poor. They were truly happy. One of them is a former colleague of mine who lost her husband a few years ago. Service ministries are a great way to meet other good people and feel purposeful. Something to think about.

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That was good of you Just to think of me while helping the less fortunate.

I've been very wrapped up in both of my H's to the detriment of my own self growth and reaching out to others. You're right -- it is something to think about and do.

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I would not say your situation is the same as one year ago when your husband took off for one month.

You are here now. You are learning and growing and not shrinking to fit your husbands perverse notions.

You have left him and you are holding yourself accountable. You are seeing yourself as worthy.

You have made new friends here and we are standing with you. You are using logic and learning to moderate your emotions.

A lot has happened in a short time frame. Give yourself credit and certainly keep going.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Do you see how the MB men are getting offended by this view that all men want is a sex doll or 'they're done'? Lots of men think like this! Most actually.

Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
That "promise" lasted about six months - he even made New Year's Day miserable over sex.


That's so sad, BB. You must have been constantly waiting for the next assault. I think you'll be surprised at how AMAZING you feel once you're through withdrawal.

I also bet he is likely to pull this 'return from dones-ville' trick. He is a well practiced manipulator - but he won't be expecting the protection of Plan B.

I'd set your conditions in place now and tell your IM what they are. Your IM won't allow him to resume contact with you until he has a plan which assures marital recovery. Plans not promises! Tell your IM to not even mention that he got in touch unless he gets in touch with a plan. There is an IM training thread we can direct her to. The IM can also deal with any low level things like finances.

I know you're going to say, there's no need because 'he's done'. That's irrelevant. We don't care what he thinks or what he is likely to do or say. We need to put a plan in place for your recovery and that involves setting your conditions now so you don't have to think any more about it.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thank you all. Sometimes I feel I've made him look too much like a villain. He did a lot of good for me initially. He paid some of my bills, he took care of everything, he made me feel safe and loved. He took me to places I'd never been too and once planned an elaborate picnic by the sea where we could watch whales. My former H never did anything like this and never cared to.

He never asked me to do anything around the house and did it all himself - maybe that was because of his "single man" lifestyle, I'm not sure. He thought he treated me like a princess and in many ways he did - he would brush the snow off my car and did many of those little things I cherished. He used t bring my coffee to me in the am too.

But when he started to feel angry about the SF, a lot of that care and attention went away. Before we separated, he said good SF would result in many good things for me. I just couldn't respond to that because I was so bewildered and off balance and often wondering if he was looking at porn. I think my baggage from my sexless previous marriage must have also handicapped me in many ways too.

I just wrote him a love letter and it's sitting in draft on my computer. Please stop me from sending it to him!!!

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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
Thank you all. Sometimes I feel I've made him look too much like a villain. He did a lot of good for me initially. He paid some of my bills, he took care of everything, he made me feel safe and loved. He took me to places I'd never been too and once planned an elaborate picnic by the sea where we could watch whales. My former H never did anything like this and never cared to.

He never asked me to do anything around the house and did it all himself - maybe that was because of his "single man" lifestyle, I'm not sure. He thought he treated me like a princess and in many ways he did - he would brush the snow off my car and did many of those little things I cherished. He used t bring my coffee to me in the am too.



I don't think he is a villain at all! Just a human man being very abusive because he has learned it works. Who among us hasn't done that? I think it is most human to be tempted and to succumb. In fact, I had the higher SF need in my marriage and though I never got angry about it I definitely tried some SD's and made out like I was owed it. I was horrendous and abusive. However I know that if I had been Plan B'd over it I would have got on board with Plan B, rather than lose my marriage.

We have probably all done it, used a lovebuster to 'force' our spouses when it comes to a need that we, well, need. However you can't allow it and only he can change his abusive habits. You are urging he do this without ANY lovebusters at all. He gets to choose FREELY in Plan B and the path back to the marriage is open!

Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
I just wrote him a love letter and it's sitting in draft on my computer. Please stop me from sending it to him!!!


My Plan B letter was phrased with some love letter elements with the help of the wonderful Pepperband. If you post your love letter here, I will edit the Plan B letter to include some of your love letter too. That will give a wonderful lovebank boost just as the contact door slams shut.

I would usually tell a BW to send it as a last 'good taste' of Plan A, but unfortunately you and he are in this pattern where you chase and he views it as a weakness in you. However I think loving messages come over very strong when combined with Plan B.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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This is my letter:

Dearest xxxx:

When we married we entrusted our happiness to one another. We knew there would be challenges ahead -- we both had had painful pasts -- but we believed that as a couple we had the strength and the love to work everything out, though it might take a long time.

Love requires compassion, empathy and a heart for the other's struggles. At times I did not sense your struggles and pain; at times you did not sense mine. But we're human and perfection resides only in Heaven. I hope you forgive me for my human failings, and the times I disappointed you. I loved you deeply through it all - and I know you loved me.

I want to be your best friend and lover and you mine. But for that to happen we must agree on a plan of restoration -- a plan that will meet our most important personal needs, one that does not involve sacrifice from either one of us.

I realize you may not want to hear from me right now but we may not be in contact for some time and I wanted you to know my deepest hopes for our relationship and my willingness to make things better.


God be with you.

bluebird

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That's very similar to a Plan B letter anyway!

I would go with:

Dearest xxxx:

When we married we both had had painful pasts - but we believed that as a couple we had the strength and the love to work everything out, though it might take a long time.

At times I did not sense your struggles and pain; at times you did not sense mine. But we're human and perfection resides only in Heaven. I hope you forgive me for my human failings, and the times I disappointed you. I loved you deeply through it all - and I know you loved me.

I want to be your best friend and lover and you mine. But for that to happen we must agree on a plan of restoration -- a plan that will meet our most important personal needs, one that does not involve sacrifice from either one of us.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your porn use once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until this ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. My friend, ________, will be available if you need to reach me. If you need to communicate with me on any matter, it will have to be through her.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your porn use. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day.

With all my love,
(signed)


God be with you.

bluebird

I'm unsure about the God be with you - didn't you say he wasn't religious? It's fine if he is.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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He isn't religious, but he knows that's what I would write in a letter. That looks good. I have to think a bit about sending it though - I'm afraid he'll write back something hurtful or cold.

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The whole point of the Plan B letter is that there is no opportunity for them to respond.

You would not send this until you were ready to go with your IM and your contact details were changed. Your IM would not tell you about his response. She would not even tell you if he had (unless he was fully on board with recovery).

You shouldn't receive any response this way.

Keep hold of it until your preps are done.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I like this letter much more than the last one. This one is much more of a love letter and was what I had in mind when I suggested you write him when you were still with him in the house. Now that the Plan B elements have been included (nice integration, Indie) you have communicated to him your love, admiration, and affection, but have also shared what it is that is necessary for the marriage to live.

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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51

I just wrote him a love letter and it's sitting in draft on my computer. Please stop me from sending it to him!!!


It will push him away and just assure him that he is in complete control and can continue to manipulate you.

Do you want to be rejected again? He will use rejection as a punishment tactic until you comply. Do you want to be treated this way?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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No not at all. So should I just not send him anything then - not the above letter? Just go completely silent?

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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
No not at all. So should I just not send him anything then - not the above letter? Just go completely silent?


I think it is a good idea to go into an official Plan B like indie suggested, but I hadn't read her revised letter when I made that post. Can you post the letter you sent him on Sunday? Did oyu send him the one I wrote for you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
[

I would get packed and leave in the morning. Send him a nice email before you leave that goes something like this:

Dear Joe,

I have decided it would be better for me to separate while I consider the future of our marriage. Our marriage has become a very unhappy place for me where my needs are not being met. This makes it very hard and unappealing to meet your needs for sex. Your use of pornography and constant demands on me to provide sex have made this marriage untenable for me.

I would like this marriage to work out, but I can't stay under the current conditions. If you will agree to give up the pornography for life and become willing to learn to make me happy, I would be willing to discuss reconciliation. Until that happens, it would be better for us both if we are apart.

All my love, Bluebird


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I sent him the one above - but knowing him it probably really upset him, as I've never before addressed him in that tone. I doubt many women have and the ones who do, don't last long.

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