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BrainHurts #2794842 04/07/14 12:25 AM
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My ex-fiance. If it was my xh, it wouldn't have come out of the blue like that, the kids would have mentioned a significant other.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2794848 04/07/14 04:19 AM
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Good grief. You broke up with him around New Years, and he moved out in February. By early April he is married? How did he find time to court someone else to the point of marriage?

I think the fact that he is able to be married so soon shows that he was not committed to you, NED - he seems to need a place to live, and now he has found one.

It must be hard to see that he is able to marry someone only about 4 months after you thought he was going to marry you, but I think you are well rid of him. I feel sorry for his wife, given what you found out about him.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #2794892 04/07/14 08:33 AM
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SC, you're right, I'm better off, that easily could have been me, waiting for the next shoe to drop.

And it sure does look like he moved from here to her place. When he came to get his stuff he mentioned a roommate where she lived but I didn't think to ask if his roommate was his ex girlfriend who lived in the part of town he moved to. I had assumed he was staying with a guy, and I remember thinking some male friendship would do him good. But such is life!


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2795170 04/07/14 11:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
SC, you're right, I'm better off, that easily could have been me, waiting for the next shoe to drop.

And it sure does look like he moved from here to her place. When he came to get his stuff he mentioned a roommate where she lived but I didn't think to ask if his roommate was his ex girlfriend who lived in the part of town he moved to. I had assumed he was staying with a guy, and I remember thinking some male friendship would do him good. But such is life!

Thank goodness you found all this out before you married him.

This man needs to do some major growing up. He can't live on his own.

I bet she told him he had to marry her if he was going to be allowed to move back in. Obviously he was still in touch with her.

I'm glad you're out of that NED.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2795228 04/08/14 09:10 AM
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Me too, Brain. I had sent him a Facebook message to say congratulations on his marriage and I wish him and the lady every happiness. He messaged back that they aren't married but will be and thank you. So I guess I jumped to conclusions that they were married just because they said so. Again real confirmation that it was good to trust my gut at the end there.

On another note, I was reading over on the Pregnancy/Child forum. One of my brothers when he was 21 and a dumb kid hooked up with his best friend's older married sister while her H was in jail. We didn't know she was married or would have tried to talk sense into him. When the BH got out of jail she broke it off with my brother, but she was pregnant. When the baby was born, the BH was listed as the father on the birth certificate. My brother got to see the baby and did a DNA test, and confirmed he was his, but the mom cut him off from seeing the baby. I understand, because she was trying to make her marriage work, but the way she went about it was wrong, she falsely charged my brother with domestic violence. She and her BH reconciled and they had another baby, but then broke it off a few years later.

I asked my brother early last year if I could contact her and see if she would be open to my family sending gifts and spending time with my nephew. He's 4 now. My brother is rightfully afraid of more domestic violence charges, and asked me to leave it be, he was going to seek visitation and pay the back child support. But that was over a year ago and it didn't happen. I looked the family up on Facebook, the little boy looks happy and well-cared-for, but anyone can look happy for a couple of facebook photos. She's raising him in a bad neighborhood, and I try to justify that by saying to myself well we come from there too and we turned out fine, but so many kids don't and I would feel awful if he wound up in and out of jail. Not that taking him for visits out of the hood and sending presents would make his life so different. But I feel guilty for forgetting about him.

I was reading a story on Pregnancy/Child about a grandma who wanted to be involved with an OC, and they said well just leave the OM out of it. It got me thinking, maybe my mom and I could contact this mom like on Facebook and ask her directly if we could see him. But I hesitate because I wouldn't want her to retaliate against the boy or my brother.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2795240 04/08/14 09:32 AM
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I would unfriend him/ block him on Facebook.
Its a boundary issue: dont be friends with former lovers.

Jedi_Knight #2795242 04/08/14 09:34 AM
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As for the child, Just call the lady and ask her;
She cant retaliate against your brother for something you do; and she would have to be evil if she retaliated against her child for you calling her

Jedi_Knight #2795258 04/08/14 09:54 AM
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He already deactivated his account we were friends on, I got curious and looked and found an old account that he reactivated, that we're not friends on. For me it was better to know. I said my piece and won't need to contact him again.

When I see my mom this weekend I'm going to show her the photos I found and get her input on reaching out too. The little boy is adorable and looks bright and happy, just like my brother did at that age and just like my brother's one year old does.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2795520 04/09/14 06:56 PM
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Jeez NED, what a bullet dodged. Congratulations in all sincerity. I'm glad you're doing ok!


Age - 35
Divorce Final - 3/5/12

S - 13
S - 10
D - 8
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Thanks TC, agreed! And there was a lot of good that came of it that stuck with me. How about an update, what's going on with you?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2795578 04/10/14 12:11 AM
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NED,

Would you email Dr. Harley again about contacting the OC of your brother? I'm curious to what he would advise.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2795582 04/10/14 12:18 AM
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Will do! No easy answers. I think involving my mom is a good idea because her radar is sharper than mind


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2795612 04/10/14 08:37 AM
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Sent! I am looking forward to hearing his insight. I'm hoping he says it's okay to contact the mom, he looks just like my brother's 1 year old and would feel better being able to check in and see that he's okay. When my parents divorced, my Dad never checked in with us, and my stepdad was violent and worse. If we knew we had other family we could talk to my life could have been very different. Hopefully my nephew's life is nothing like that, but the few pieces that I know like the false DV charges and xH in and out of jail aren't promising.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2795620 04/10/14 08:45 AM
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Dr. Harley's reason for having no contact with other children is to SAVE MARRIAGES.
In this case, there is no marriage to save.
So his rule for no contact does not apply.

The only potential downside is the case of the divorced husband who may have a relationship with the child. If he has a relationship with the child then I wouldn't contact.

But if he is a deadbeat dad then the child could benefit from love.

Jedi_Knight #2795626 04/10/14 08:59 AM
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Jedi I agree about that potential downside, and I don't know whether the divorced father is in contact with this nephew or is a deadbeat dad. For all I know he could be back in jail by now too.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2795649 04/10/14 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
Sent! I am looking forward to hearing his insight. I'm hoping he says it's okay to contact the mom, he looks just like my brother's 1 year old and would feel better being able to check in and see that he's okay. When my parents divorced, my Dad never checked in with us, and my stepdad was violent and worse. If we knew we had other family we could talk to my life could have been very different. Hopefully my nephew's life is nothing like that, but the few pieces that I know like the false DV charges and xH in and out of jail aren't promising.

Thanks. Let us know what he says.

IF you end up making contact. Will you let your brother know?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2795669 04/10/14 10:30 AM
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I'd like to, just the last time I brought it up was before Christmas, when L's son gave him some new information about how he was being beaten for years by the relatives the court gave custody to in L's and the XW's absence. My brother insisted that this isn't like that, that his former best friend would reach out to him if the boy was in trouble. But L always insisted that his son would reach out to him if there was any trouble, too. Seems like a big risk to take when you trust these kinds of folks to raise your kids.

I'm sorry that comes off as disrespectful, I am usually good at saying things in a nice way. My brother is a very involved father with his younger son. This other son though didn't get to choose what circumstances he was brought into.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2795672 04/10/14 10:34 AM
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I'm not saying I am trying to take his son out of the situation. Just that it would put my heart at ease if I spent time with him and he looked happy and well-adjusted instead of fearful and afraid.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2795677 04/10/14 10:52 AM
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Dr. H got back to me, here is his response.

Quote:
Hi [Ned],

My advice based on the information youve given me is to leave the situation alone, and let your brother deal with it as he sees fit. Legally, since he name is not on the birth certificate, and she was married at the time it was born, and he has not legally adopted the child, he is not responsible for supporting the child. He may be under the impression that since its actually his child, that hes responsible. But legally, hes not. He may voluntarily support the child, but I can see a host of reasons why he should back away from it. Ive been involved in many cases where an unfaithful wife has an affair and a child by that man, and yet the husband, who is married to her at the time of the childs birth, and who is named as the father on the birth certificate, is legally and financially responsible, even when his wife divorces him and marries the other man. It doesnt seem right, but thats the way it is these days.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley


I agree, I think likely the main reason my brother doesn't check in on his son is a fear of owing back child support. My brother wouldn't have to contact the WW directly to send things to his son and check how he's doing, he could give them through his friend, WW's brother. But I will talk to my mom and my brother, share Dr. H's insight and the photos I found, share my concerns again with him, and then continue to let him deal with it as he sees fit.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2795718 04/10/14 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted By: NewEveryDay
Dr. H got back to me, here is his response.

Quote:
Hi [Ned],

My advice based on the information youve given me is to leave the situation alone, and let your brother deal with it as he sees fit. Legally, since he name is not on the birth certificate, and she was married at the time it was born, and he has not legally adopted the child, he is not responsible for supporting the child. He may be under the impression that since its actually his child, that hes responsible. But legally, hes not. He may voluntarily support the child, but I can see a host of reasons why he should back away from it. Ive been involved in many cases where an unfaithful wife has an affair and a child by that man, and yet the husband, who is married to her at the time of the childs birth, and who is named as the father on the birth certificate, is legally and financially responsible, even when his wife divorces him and marries the other man. It doesnt seem right, but thats the way it is these days.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley


I agree, I think likely the main reason my brother doesn't check in on his son is a fear of owing back child support. My brother wouldn't have to contact the WW directly to send things to his son and check how he's doing, he could give them through his friend, WW's brother. But I will talk to my mom and my brother, share Dr. H's insight and the photos I found, share my concerns again with him, and then continue to let him deal with it as he sees fit.

Thanks for posting that NED.

I agree. I think (although I understand why you want to reach out) it's a good idea to not pursue it.

What has your mom said? Let us know what your brother says.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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