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KerryM Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: LifetimeLearner
If you have removed your Lovebusters and are focussing on the top four emotional needs during your UA time, you also make it known to him what you need.


Please remember that I found this website less than a week ago (during a very busy time for me). I've done none of the steps except I am more deliberate about spending time talking (again, for about one week).

I've mentioned the program to my H, but just in passing b/c it is so new to me.

My focus is on "getting started" (read: learning the steps). Heck, I have to look up most of the acronyms...lol!

-K

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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BrainHurts - Thank you. The link you shared is what I needed.

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I am brand new to MB and have only read the basics. After writing this as my H and I are in the middle of a fight. (I realized after writing this we are trying to resolve conflict and not MBing).

This is a good opportunity to ask for some insight about my situation, so here's the long story of a small "fight" that happened last night...

We're in out late 40s, no kids, both work, but he works less hours and 100% from home.

Last night I got home after three days of being away from my H. We were reconnecting; lying on the sofa. He was pretty sleepy and I could see that. So, I asked if he could handle a little story. He said yes. I started telling it, he said, "Get to the point." I stopped and said I didn't want to finish it, it was late. Then, I said, "it hurt me when you said that." To him, what he said was just matter-of-fact. It seemed disrespectful to me.

He said that when I said that it hurt me, he felt like someone was wagging finger, saying you did it wrong (his mother was controlling and gave no empathy). I said that wasn't it at all, but that I want him to know when something hurts me (my dad was very hard to please). Then he said that it was about the fact that he had no ill intentions behind saying "get to the point" but that he just was tired. I said that I understood. But, that I also felt a need to let him know when I feel disrespected. He also said that my timing was not so good in saying that b/c then he couldn't sleep.

FF to this morning--we went back and forth on this issue, presenting and understanding different points, and his point was that he had no ill intentions. At one point I presented a summary of MB (I'd mentioned it before and he agreed to talk about it). He got overwhelmed by it about five minutes into it, so we stopped. I felt upset that he was overwhelmed (b/c I don't want to think that he doesn't want to try). He picked up on my upset and that turned into more turmoil.

Also this morning, we were supposed to go pick up a rental tool for a house project. We were talking about the emotional stuff and missed the last rental tool by 10 minutes. In the past, I would feel horrible inside and like it was all my fault. Now, however, I feel 50% responsible b/c there were two of us doing this.

As we were driving home, we brought up that we were talking before we left and got out late. He said that he knew we were going to be late. I asked if he could have said something, he sullenly said no (probably b/c he was afraid.

So, as I was writing about this, I thought, omg, maybe I subconsciously delayed us so that I didn't have to do the project this (holiday) weekend. I thought, man, I'm really f----ed up. So, I thought more about how screwed up I am. Then, I thought about how anxious I felt around doing the project this weekend. because he becomes very task-oriented. It doesn't mean anything to him, he's not intending to be harsh, but he is 100% focused on the goal and he's not thinking about feelings. When we talk about this, he said that work crews that we had do work for us worked together and didn't take things personally. (But, I'm a woman and his wife and not some carpenter/worker.)

I also remembered that it was a small project and it shouldn't have taken long, so maybe I was just over-reacting with my dreading it. I started to think about how I sometimes anticipate the worst, when it isn't that bad.

I have spent years going to therapy trying to change, trying to be "tougher skinned", trying not to take things personally, trying to figure out how to talk with him so we won't have fights.

As a result, I have grown quite a bit and continue to grow. I'm tired of the pattern though. He isn't exactly showing me that he wants to invest much effort. OR, maybe he is because most engineer/technical types like him with his brain style wouldn't make it as far as he has. And, I do like that type of person b/c I worked in software and liked working with the analysts (little drama).

When we talk things through, we do really well. But, I wonder if these "talks" just get me to a point of being okay with things as they are. Because, I still feel like my emotional needs are not being met.

This afternoon, I realized that I didn't explain that Dr. H's experience in MT was that people focused on conflict resolution instead of MBing. I went to tell him that, a little hopeful that he'd understand that we're in CR mode. He was lying on the couch, very beaten down. I told him, he was a bit despondent, so I left.

Then, this afternoon, he said to me, "If someone asked me why we split up, I would know what to say. We don't have kids, we don't fight about money." I didn't say much. Then, I asked him what he'd say if someone asked what his wife wanted from him. After a few moments, he became more down-trodden and said, "I think you're missing the point."

Now I'm thinking that once again that was bad timing and not such a wise thing to say. If I were wise I would have asked him to expand on that. Instead, I put him on the defense and he went away.

Then, just now, he came in and said, "I feel like you answered my question with a question. I said that I realized that (although he really just made a statement), but I get that he felt unheard). So, I said, "I realize that. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you." He said, "no" and walked away.

I really want to be in a relationship that is healthy for both of us. I want us to enjoy being around each other, feel safe and confident that we can resolve issues together.

Maybe I just have little faith in my husband. I am his only social connection. I feel a ton of pressure to stay, not to mention I do care about him.

It would be easy to blame all of this on him (and sometimes I do), but I can see how I am LBing too. Maybe I think I'm being helpful and I'm just being disrespectful?

Keep in mind, I'm still very new to MB and I'm only on step one (introducing it and trying to have more UA).

I am particularly interested in insight on MY behavior b/c that's what I can change.

Thanks,
-K

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Is your Husband still viewing porn?

Also, how often do you spend nights apart?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Those types of discussions are so destructive to marriage. Instead of having such talks, I would focus on going through the lessons in the book Lovebusters. It is clear you both need to stop lovebusters.

He also needs to understand that his "intentions" are not what is relevant here, but the effect of his words. Instead of arguing about his intentions all that is necessary is his agreement to stop.

Have you sold him on the program yet? The goal is to teach you to have the skills to resolve your problems in a way that protects the love in your marriage.

Also, do you travel a lot? Spending nights apart leads to fights in even the best marriages.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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KerryM Offline OP
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BrainHurts,

I AM BEGGING YOU TO STOP WITH THE PORN. I GET THAT IT IS OR MAY BE THERE (I DON'T KNOW IF STILL THERE OR HOW MUCH RIGHT NOW).

WHEN YOU FOCUS ON THE PORN ISSUE I FEEL INCREDIBLY UNHEARD. THIS IS MY ISSUE IN MY MARRIAGE, THIS IS MY POST REACHING OUT FOR HELP ON SOMETHING SPECIFIC. IT IS A DOUBLE WHAMMY WHEN I COME HERE TO BE HEARD AND YOU IGNORE MY QUESTION.

I ACTUALLY HAVE BLOCKED YOUR POSTS B/C I FEEL SOOOOOOOOO UPSET BY THEM.

I AM TRYING TO OPEN UP HERE ON THIS FORUM AND I FEEL VERY UNHEARD WHEN YOU CONTINUE TO FOCUS ON SOMETHING I AM NOT YET EQUIPPED TO TACKLE.

YOU MAY THINK YOU ARE HELPING OR GIVING "TOUGH LOVE", AND YOU CAN KEEP HARPING ON IT, BUT YOU WILL NOT BE HELPING ME IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM AT THIS STAGE IN MY MB.

PLEASSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEAR ME....PLEASE UNDERSTAND WHERE I AM.

-k

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KerryM Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Those types of discussions are so destructive to marriage. Instead of having such talks, I would focus on going through the lessons in the book Lovebusters. It is clear you both need to stop lovebusters.

He also needs to understand that his "intentions" are not what is relevant here, but the effect of his words. Instead of arguing about his intentions all that is necessary is his agreement to stop.

Have you sold him on the program yet? The goal is to teach you to have the skills to resolve your problems in a way that protects the love in your marriage.


No. I don't think he is sold. I haven't sent him the website. I just presented the ideas. I think things are an "equation" to him (techie type). I might need to break this down into baby steps for him. I think I'm overwhelming him. I don't think he really gets the emotional stuff (just like I don't understand certain technologies).

Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Also, do you travel a lot? Spending nights apart leads to fights in even the best marriages.


I am away one night per week, but not very far (40 miles away).

-k

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Kerry, first off, I am appalled at your disrespectful outburst at brainhurts and would encourage you to erase that post. She is a volunteer here and is asking you a very relevant question. Porn is extremely destructive to marriages because it creates a contrast effect that throws the love in a marriage completely on its ear. It is a major obstacle to a good marriage.

Secondly, Marriage Builders was written by an engineer so most men are very receptive to it because it is based on an action PLAN rather than emotions. The premise behind this program is that feelings follow actions. Many of the men here, for example, are techie types.

The key will be to sell him the big picture. If he has CONTEXT then he will be able to understand the pieces. Can you show him the article " How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage?"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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"No. I don't think he is sold. I haven't sent him the website. I just presented the ideas. I think things are an "equation" to him (techie type). I might need to break this down into baby steps for him. I think I'm overwhelming him. I don't think he really gets the emotional stuff (just like I don't understand certain technologies)."

Is he a big picture person? I get the sense from your description of the argument above that he does not like things broken down but needs to know the POINT. I am a very logical thinker and if someone does not get to the point quickly I will lose patience. Giving me a bunch of pieces with no context frustrates me. But if you tell me the point right up front and fill in the holes later, then I GET it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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KerryM Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Is he a big picture person? I get the sense from your description of the argument above that he does not like things broken down but needs to know the POINT. I am a very logical thinker and if someone does not get to the point quickly I will lose patience. Giving me a bunch of pieces with no context frustrates me. But if you tell me the point right up front and fill in the holes later, then I GET it.


Actually, I think, like you, he needs the point first. Then, he needs the backdrop in a logical order.

I am similar too. I can't follow without the point or the "why". But, I am a bit of a dichotomy b/c my business involves marketing. So, you often build a "story" and use "flowery" communication. I just forget at times. I am going to make some notes around the house to help me remember.

Last edited by KerryM; 04/18/14 03:56 PM.
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Merging threads, please stick to one thread.


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Kerry, first off, I am appalled at your disrespectful outburst at brainhurts and would encourage you to erase that post. She is a volunteer here and is asking you a very relevant question. Porn is extremely destructive to marriages because it creates a contrast effect that throws the love in a marriage completely on its ear. It is a major obstacle to a good marriage.


x2

It is very rude and disrespectful to tell posters HOW to help you. Especially a poster who is very familiar with Dr Harley's articles, books, radio show, etc.


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BrainHurts,

I apologize for my very strong reaction to your post.


To answer your questions...

Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Is your Husband still viewing porn?


I don't know.

Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Also, how often do you spend nights apart?


One night per week and occasionally two nights per week. Otherwise, we are together almost 24/7.

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Thank you for your apology KerryM.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Those types of discussions are so destructive to marriage. Instead of having such talks, I would focus on going through the lessons in the book Lovebusters. It is clear you both need to stop lovebusters.


Ok. I'll get the book.

Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
He also needs to understand that his "intentions" are not what is relevant here, but the effect of his words. Instead of arguing about his intentions all that is necessary is his agreement to stop.


I have success with this when I explain it carefully and do it in an incredibly delicate way.

I think I am growing wary because I have to explain things that most people would pick up on. For example, I am talking with him from my cell phone, have my hands full and have to go. He knows where I am and what I'm doing, but if I don't explain that I have to go very gently, he will worry that I am angry.

I realize that I "taught" him this b/c I have been unpredictable and emotional myself.

There have been times in the past where he completely ignored my needs. I was sick once and he had to "finish" what he was doing before we could leave the house we were working in with no heat. I was shivering like crazy and sweating. Turned out I had pneumonia and 104 temp. He's gotten better as I've raised his awareness. I want to be a good friend to him, but it feels like a lot of work.

He is very oppositional. So, if I want something from him, I have to be extremely careful in how I ask.


Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Have you sold him on the program yet? The goal is to teach you to have the skills to resolve your problems in a way that protects the love in your marriage.


Not really. Now that I've divulged so much on the forum, I'm hesitant to send him to the website b/c I'm concerned he'll see my posts here.

Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Also, do you travel a lot? Spending nights apart leads to fights in even the best marriages.


I travel 50 miles away one night per week. There are occasions when I am gone two nights...maybe once every 4 to 6 weeks. Otherwise we are in the same house 24/7.

We don't sleep in the same room b/c we both wake up at odd hours and he likes to fall asleep to the tv and I can't. We also don't eat together, which leaves me feeling lonely. He just eats when he wants and I do the same. I have a hard time asking to have meals together b/c it feels very vulnerable.

He's all practical. If hungry, then eat. If tired, then sleep.

We live 500 miles from my family. I feel as though I am becoming a stranger to my family. We also live 50 miles from a city. He hardly ever leaves our property.

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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Thank you for your apology KerryM.


Thanks for saying that. You didn't deserve to be treated so poorly.

Given that I am just getting started and that he is generally resistant to change, what would you recommend I do at this stage?

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Originally Posted By: KerryM
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Thank you for your apology KerryM.


Thanks for saying that. You didn't deserve to be treated so poorly.

Given that I am just getting started and that he is generally resistant to change, what would you recommend I do at this stage?

Follow Melodylane's advice.

Will your H listen to MB radio? Most men really like how Dr. Harley will explain things.

I can find some clips if you think he will listen. Also, it would be a great idea to write the Harleys. They are so wonderful and explain things so well.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Here's a good show about alot of different issues in marriages, i.e., how to complain in a marriage? When to Call it Quits? And others.
Radio Clip

Tell us what you think.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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