Thanks all.
I keep going back and forth between wanting to save the marriage and wanting to end it all as not sure I can handle a lifetime of doubt and worry of another affair. But I am reading 'surviving the affair' so hoping that will help give me some clarity.


Will have a chat tonight to get more answers from him. I do think there are/were other women but maybe things didn't get as far as this one, but the intention itself is a problem.

Blind sighted - I agree no more overnight stays, either he gets used to driving back home when's he's done or we all go and stay at a hotel together.
No family close by - am doing ok with kids so far but a friend has offered to take them for a bit if I need.

Does anyone kow if a key logger will work without logging into the computer? Stupid question probably but don't have password for the computer (i can only log on as a guest) to install software so was going to get the device that you plug in instead but will this still require access into the computer?
I will continue to use the voice recorder. Best money I ever spent buying it, I wouldn't have got concrete proof without it.

Sugarcane, if he does decide to leave he would still support us, he is like that. I know it's hard to think of him having good qualities but he would look after us

I really appreciate you all taking time to respond to me.

You will need to note every confession for the polygraph later. Knowing the full truth will help put your mind at ease, this should DEFINITELY be a condition of recovery, he has no choice in this matter. Its take the conditions you lay out or leave the marriage. That is for later though.

First and foremost, DO NOT allow him to have an overnight stay this weekend. He will absolutely see the OW, 100% guaranteed. You will tell him he must cancel or he will not be allowed back or you must accompany him and he will need to spend his lunch and break times with you. He does not get to run to OW's arms to discuss his options now that he is busted.

If he refuses, then you refuse to have him in your home.

Absolutely agree, that's what I plan to tell him tonight, no overnight stay and if he argues it then he won't be allowed back

I recorded our conversation yesterday so have the confession on tape, I plan to record all our conversations to see if he can keep his stories straight

When will you be exposing? You know the OW's name. I know there may be others, but you need to expose this OW.

You won't be having a lifetime of doubt and worry if you (both) choose to follow Dr. Harley's program for recovery. Have a look at this --> How can trust be restored?

Once you take a little break today, then either way, you will begin to work on preparing for exposure. You need to collect more info. You have only scratched the surface thus far, but you will keep at it and it will peel like an onion. Verify every *single* thing that comes out of your husband's mouth. When you find discrepancies, come here and ask us.

Good! No more overnight stays. Are you CERTAIN that he has not had any affairs with people from his work? Or clients? Employees?

I'm not sure about the key logger, but sugarcane or someone else may know. There is also a whole forum here entitled Operation Investigate.

We know that your husband has good qualities, or you would not have married him. Your husband is in the throes of an addiction and it is possible that he truly wants to stop. If so, MB can help him and you, and you can go on to make a new marriage that is better than ever.

That said, yes you DO still need to prepare for Plan B and secure your finances. Prepare. You don't have to do it yet, but you need to be ready NOW when you are still strong and will think of details. Does that make sense?

Here Keylogger Programs

I only know her first name and still not sure it's her real name. Shes not on his fb friends list but I tried searching friends list of people they have in common and found a few first name matches so going to explore those

Yeah I need to be sure if there are any others. He says no but we all know they deny everything at first.

I did more research on the key logger and it seems you can get one to connect in-between computer and keyboard wire, no set up required.

Yep still have plan B in back of my mind - I'm learning it's best To be prepared for all eventualities

Try inputting her phone number on FB. And while you're at it, try inputting that old phone number (the one that he is not contacting any more). Heck, try them all lol.

Also try different spellings of her name. The OW and her entire family in my instance all used alias names on FB. I found one of them through an email or phone (sorry, can't remember), and then BOOM they all were friends of each other and so I had all of their names and friends list (I did know what she looked like though).

Remember to keep this forum secret from your H for a while yet. Be sure to close it and delete the history when you leave your computer.

You're doing great!

No, do not believe one word that comes out of his mouth right now.

He did not tell you the woman's last name? Nope, he did not get the memo yet that he is done with gaslighting you. He is keeping the last name secret so that you will not "harass" her (expose her). He is protecting her.

Ok will try that. In fact I'm going to go back over the phone bills I have to check out some other numbers

Can you hire a PI?

Yep I know he is protecting her (makes me angry!)
because he knows I'll try to look her up and contact her. That's why I'm not really convinced that's her real name. But he doesn't know I have her number so could just call her up anyway. He said that he lied and told her he wasn't married so if that's true I could just call her up and tell her who I am and what's going regardless of not knowing her name. but will try and get him to tell me tonight or just keep searching till i find it. If only I could get my hands on his phone I could learn do much

He has to sleep some time. Wait until he's asleep and get to his phone and put spyware on it and check his contacts. He may have it hidden under a man's name.

If you dial the number and hit send then hang up quickly it will come up with the name he has it saved under.

Also you need to find out who this OW is so you can expose on her side.

Can you hire a PI?

His phone is password protected like everything else in his bloody life! Once I cracked it by watching him carefully as he inputted but by the time I could get my hands on the phone he had changed it! He's a very smart sneaky guy

Can you hire a PI?

Do your best to be cool as a cucumber tonight. Yes, ask questions, but be as pleasant as possible. We all remember how difficult that is.

This time may end up having to be your Plan A before you go to Plan B IF he won't wake up and smell the pig pen.

I agree with BrainHurts. I also think that you need to hire a PI to take some of this stress and thinking away from you right now. In light of what you are going through, at this point does the cost really matter?

Yes, you will need administrator access to install any type of monitoring whether software or hardware. The hardware sticks don't necessarily have software to install, but drivers are necessary, which would require admin access.

If you plug one in without the drivers, it will alert him to its presence when he logs in next.

The ones that go between the keyboard and computer *should* work out for you, although the keystrokes are a bit harder to interpret since there is no other info (program being used, website visited etc), it's just raw text data to my knowledge.
Better than nothing, but harder to interpret.