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enjoy WD, it's a good day


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
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Originally Posted By: jessitaylor
enjoy WD, it's a good day


Thanks Jessi, we are going to dinner. I will enjoy today.


ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
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Let her tell you what she needs to tell you. Seems to me you have reached a real turning point here. But the next major step will be no contact for life and putting the EP's into effect.

Let's see if she is willing to end contact for life and draft a no contact letter.

As others have said, keep the intel going. She's not safe yet.

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Looking good so far.

Keep following the MB plan and listen to the vets, this is not the time to stop.


D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012

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I wanted to emphasize that you are now seeing the outcome of an exposed affair. I assure you that there is conflict going on behind the scenes. If you had not exposed, the fantasy would have thrived and she would have quietly divorced you all the while deep in a fog. Your exposure has inflicted a huge blow to her fog and caused her to second guess her path.

I don't think the affair is over yet, but it is crumbling as evidenced by her behavior around you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: wifedivorcing
Originally Posted By: jessitaylor
enjoy WD, it's a good day


Thanks Jessi, we are going to dinner. I will enjoy today.


How did dinner go?

Did the conversations stay away from divorce and the affair?

Were there any discussions on what she/you would need to do to follow a plan of recovery?

I'm really rooting for you guys.

LTL

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My wife is going to stop the divorce Monday, she has agreed to the no contact letter for life. She is looking for another job. She told me she now knows why men and women can't be friends and how important no contact is. She said the affair is over with. He did try calling her last night she showed me. She has agreed to be transparent, open and honest. I told this is not an over night process.

My wife told me she was so glad I never gave up on her and that I fought for her. She said she never stopped loving me and she wanted to come home.

The affair was started by OM asking my WW out for drinks. She said he didn't know she was married . When they went out she said she had her rings on. She said he never back down because she was married. She said she didn't want the affair it just happened. I won't get into specific details. She did say it was wrong for me being in the hospital. She said it was wrong for OM getting ppo.

I never revealed nor will I reveal my spy tactics. She asked I said it's a non isuje and left it at that.

She told me she began resenting OM.

Jedi. She went to his church twice. They don't believe in heaven or hell. they believe in affairs tho scumbags...

I'll give more updates later.

I'm so glad I exposed this affair. Thank you MB friends.


Last edited by wifedivorcing; 04/19/14 11:10 AM.

ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
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wd,

This is good news! It's sounding very promising but don't let your guard down yet. Remember,, actions--not promises. But it does sound as though she's coming out of the fog.



Quote:
I never revealed nor will I reveal my spy tactics. She asked I said it's a non issue and left it at that.


I never did reveal my tactics to my FWH either. Never. I told him I had a PI and left it at that. Actually, I did get a PI to get the OW's name, address & phone number. Cost me $350 for something I could have gotten with very little work and $20 on the internet but I was not aware of that at that time. And I had not found MB.

Keep up the good work, wd. You're doing great!!


Dday- Feb 1998
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Would it be wise for WW to read surviving an affair?

My WW told me she just called and told her mother that she was moving home and stopping the divorse. Her mother who is. BS from first husband and is totally unhappy with her husband now, said you don't know if his changes are for real. She also.said what if you lose SS because he hates me and wants to go live with his dad and aren't you worried about your safety. Omg!...

This is why, WW only told one person she cheated and it was the one friend her boss she works with who cheated on her husband a friend of mine. WW said this tho, this friend is giving me the benefit of the doubt and is backing our marriage. WW said it took.her friend a year to confront her responsibility of the affair. She told my WW confront it now face the consequences. WW told her friend regrets her affair and was completely humiliated because of it, but it was never exposed and she finally exposed it her self and owning ownership for it.

I won't let my guard down.

My WW was told a different version when I confronted OM. She was unaware of me telling him I loved her, I care about my marriage and family and I want to save it. He never told her this. He just said I came in there scaring him half to death and I was harassing him. What a coward pos.

The GF she is staying with does not know about the affair. She apparently lied to them and now I see why she is even more humiliated, because she will have to tell the truth to them.


ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
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Originally Posted By: wifedivorcing
Would it be wise for WW to read surviving an affair?
You should read Surviving an Affair together. That way you can discuss it. Just don't use this as an opportunity for love busting. Don't lecture, rather, make it an experience of mutual discovery.


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DS - 32, still living with us
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Originally Posted By: mrEureka
Originally Posted By: wifedivorcing
Would it be wise for WW to read surviving an affair?
You should read Surviving an Affair together. That way you can discuss it. Just don't use this as an opportunity for love busting. Don't lecture, rather, make it an experience of mutual discovery.


I'm making sure in general conversation that I'm not lecturing or love busting.

I kind of figured reading it together was the way to go. Thanks. I appreciate it.


ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
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You are not in recovery. You are still in PLAN A. Actions. Not words. No SAA. Just keep making LB deposits. Until all the things you stipulated for recovery are met. Divorce stopped, RH, NC, new job, and any others. Please don't get fooled, by these words. It might lead to a false recovery.

You are the champ!

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Originally Posted By: clark_kent
You are not in recovery. You are still in PLAN A. Actions. Not words. No SAA. Just keep making LB deposits. Until all the things you stipulated for recovery are met. Divorce stopped, RH, NC, new job, and any others. Please don't get fooled, by these words. It might lead to a false recovery.

You are the champ!


I understand and you're right. I do have to say her actions toward me have turned 180 degrees. She keeps telling me how much she missed me and how much she loves me. She is all over me. She has told me she is extremely sorry for hurting me and causing me pain from the affair. I will continue plan A and until all is met.


ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
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Will she write a list of EPs? Change all her contact information?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


Extraordinary Precautions-Revised SAA


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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At this point (I've been there), wayward spouses will often say they are committed.
The No Contact letter is the FIRST step towards recovery.

However, you will NEED to move out of the area to recover.

In the immediate future, Dr. Harley recommends a 2 week vacation to be together and make love bank deposits. This is vital to your recovery, can you do this? Vacations dont have to cost a lot.

EDIT: Just the two of you on the vacation, no kids. This should be done after the no contact letter is sent CERTFIFIED MAIL - mailed by you.

Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 04/19/14 01:11 PM.
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Also, she needs to come clean about we lies to everybody. This will help you immensely as it will help curb any future resentment. She must let everybody know how hard you fought for your family despite how she was acting and smearing you in public.


Trust me when I say leaving this issue unresolved will lead to resentment later.

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The only way this is going to work is if she comes clean to those people and if you move away. Her son, mother and friend would be at the top of this list. You do realize this, don't you?

If you don't do those things, in addition to all the things on the recovery list, I predict you will limp along while she goes back and forth from you to the OM.

Have you shown her the list of extraordinary precautions?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: wifedivorcing
She said the affair is over with. He did try calling her last night she showed me. She has agreed to be transparent, open and honest. I told this is not an over night process.



This is problem #1 here. As long as he has her phone # and is free to call, he will keep trying to get through until eventually the affair is BACK ON. Every time he calls, she will be triggered. The solution is to get a new phone # that he can't call.

Agreeing to be "transparent" about his contacts misses the point entirely and will not prevent a resumption of the affair. The issue is that his calls will trigger her feelings and eventually she will call him back. She won't be transparent when she resumes the affair.

This is why it is so important to cut off avenues of contact, ie: phone #, email, workplace, facebook, etc. Any open channels will be a threat to your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
The only way this is going to work is if she comes clean to those people and if you move away. Her son, mother and friend would be at the top of this list. You do realize this, don't you?

If you don't do those things, in addition to all the things on the recovery list, I predict you will limp along while she goes back and forth from you to the OM.

Have you shown her the list of extraordinary precautions?


I'm going to show her the list of EP tonight. the phone number has to be changed. We are going to discuss all of this.


ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
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