NewStart,

. He would drive by the bank he worked at and would be back to ground zero

Did you consider moving? Many people on here do and it helps to remove them from triggers.

Perhaps it's too late, but your children are a compelling reason to try to reconcile with your ex H, no one will be as good a father to your children as your ex.

Simple question have you ever truly apologized to your exH?

God Bless
Gamma

About moving - he owns a business in the city we live and part of that is to go to offices throughout the city to pick up and deliver things when needed. Moving to any part of town would not have mattered and leaving the city all together wasn't an option in our case. Although I have to say that never was even mentioned at that time. Reading things and talking to others since then I have learned a lot. I really don't think we could go back as a couple again. I have entertained that thought in the past, as life together for the kids sake would be so much better. Being at this point in life now, I don't have the desire to return to a relationship with him.

I have apologized and have meant it sincerely but he won't accept it. He feels everything I say is made up to make myself sound better. Not true, but it is best to just let it go and not get the angry emotions worked up again. Peace is what I am striving for now.

Update on the kiddos -

Earlier in the day, I told the kids that when they had finished watching their movie we would sit down and have a little talk. My 10 yr old daughter had a theory already worked up on what it would be. I am getting married or we were going to Disney World. I don't have any guy friends that even come around the kids so the marriage one was really far fetched.

I said I wanted to be honest with them about life and the reason we were living in the situation we were in. Saying that I knew they had asked questions that I had just dodged before by saying they were too young. I felt this was their life and their right to know the truthful side. I explained that while I was married I had another relationship with another man and that is not something okay to do. Marriage is when you only have a relationship with the one you married. I said I was very wrong in allowing that. I told them who it was and did use the word affair. My son understood it a his best friend's neighbors just went through that too. My daughter did not until she asked if it meant cheating. With that information, she understood at her level at least. I said I wanted my very bad mistake to be a lesson for them to know that this act is never acceptable and that it ends in divorce and people suffer. I apologized to them for being the reason that we are living the divorced life. My son said that their dad had not mentioned this yet, only told them they would know one day when they are older. I told them they are old enough to know and should know, assuring them that they were not a reason this happened. It was wrapped up in under 15 minutes and I told them it is not something I like to run around and talk about to everyone but if they had questions they should always feel free to ask anytime.
The only question that came up later by my son was wondering if his dad caught me doing it and that how he knew. I said no, that someone else had told him.

The kids were very close to me the rest of the night. Wanting to cuddle and be in the same room for the evening. That was a good sign, I think.

Thank you for everyone's advice and support in this honest move forward. I am glad that has been done. Open and honest with our children is so important.

I am so glad I was introduced to this site!

Well why should he forgive you?

Since your Ex-H has held onto your secret, i feel that you might consider contacting him in writing to let him know that you discussed the affair with your children, plus reveal the extent and content that you conveyed to them so he feels you did not sweep the enormity of the situation under the rug.

He should be aware and prepared for the possibility that the kids may bring up questions to him when and if they feel the need to do so.

Who knows, this Action on your part may have a substantial impact on his long held triggers and resentments, hopefully in a positive manner.

LTL

Here is a short story for you:

I remember overhearing kids one time fussing on the playground. One of them was always annoying the other. The first kid said, "I'm sorry!"

The second kid said, "Don't be sorry; Be Different."

.

Well, just maybe, your Ex-H may finally see that you are not just saying you are sorry, no matter how heart felt you were, but finally see that you are trying to be different.

Keep improving!!!

LTL

I commend you for opening up dialogue with your children , and for being honest and naming the person with whom you hurt their father.
When you talk to your EXH please let him know your affair was not his fault, and that you didn't do it because he was inadequate, but because you made a mistake. You might not understand that a betrayed spouse internalizes feelings of not being good enough. I see that there may have been past issues with his anger that may have hurt you. Not saying that to excuse any trauma you may have been through, but could that be part of why you didn't reconcile?
of course he's bitter. He has every right to be. Tell him he did not deserve the pain you caused him. Tell him you made a mistake, and it was your shortcoming and not his.
Not trying to make you feel as though you're being punished. Helping him heal will help you both move forward

It is an interesting idea to let him know what I have told them. It crossed my mind but then I let it go.

I like the "don't be sorry, be different" concept. I think I might use that on my kids when the moments arise for it.

If telling him that it was my wrong doing not his might help him heal, it would be a good thing worth trying. Maybe he needs to hear me say it very directly.

He is a very angry and intense person and is much better but still explodes at the kids...not that long ago was so mad that he punched a hole in the bathroom door at his house when he was upset with them. I don't feel he would ever hurt them, but his anger does come out in other ways when the fire is on.

I just wish for peace and less anxiety on his part. Maybe that side of things takes years or decades to heal? He has a girlfriend and says he is happy in life, but this still affects him I believe.

Still today, I feel good about my decision to talk to the kids. When there is no anxiety after, you know you made the right choice. Like the weight has lifted a little more.

Still keeping secrets from a BH is still being a WW. Even when he is your XBH. First is was your affair with your OM. Now you have replaced the OM with his and your kids.

I do not fault you for telling the kids. Do not set your BH to find out on his own.

x2

I would tell him that you told the children the truth. Being blindsided sucks and usually brings out more anger. You had the chance to prepare what you wanted to say to the children...I would give him the same courtesy vs letting him have another Dday of sorts. Be brief and direct then leave it alone.

The point of letting it go and him finding out on his own could be an anger reaction from him. I think a short note to say it was done and leave it be might work.

My parents were very supportive when I told them that I had given some explanation to the kids. They thought I had done it as best possible for the scenario and subject.

All your advice here in this chat was extremely helpful. Thank you again!

You definitely need to tell your XH some how and some way.

Telling him yourself (and not in writing) will give him a chance to ask questions.

(What, exactly, did you say to them? How did they react? Did they have any questions?... etc.)

Telling him this way will also show that you are willing to accept the consequences of your A.

I would tell him in a note but I would also address the info that cat brought up...

"(What, exactly, did you say to them? How did they react? Did they have any questions?... etc.)"

By short, I meant that it didn't have to go on and on and on with all sorts of fluff, details and perhaps what can turn into emotional rambling but I do think you should provide some specifics and not just a note that says FYI I told the kids about my affair...the end.

How do you usually communicate with your ex?

As a BS, I would want this disclosure in writing from my ex...that way there is no "I didn't say that" later or miscommunication....that's me though. Not saying you would do that but HE will have that assurance when it is in black and white for him to look at. My two cents.

We communicate only by text and if it is more "for the record" important stuff it is via email. We do not speak anymore, only in a rare emergency situation regarding kids that needs immediate reaction. So, talking to him is out. An email may be the route.

When will you be sending it?

Makes sense, NewStart.

How about including a sentence at the end, "Please let me know if you would like further details or have any questions about this."

When is a good question. I think next week is a good time, get through the weekend. He has them this weekend and I don't want them to be drilled with questions right when he gets my message. Kids will be with me all next week so I think I will wait until then.

And be prepared for an angry response. He quite possibly won't like that you unilaterally did this. I'm glad you did and it sounds like it went well enough but he's probably going to be mad. There is a lot of shame in being a BH. The fact his children now know may embarrass him. He likely thinks/thought that shouldn't know until they are adults in college or later when contemplating marriage. It's good you don't talk. Be slow to respond to any upset he expresses and allow people here to help you think through a response before you send it.

It's good you told the kids to keep it a secret but please realize this will likely need to be reemphasized from time to time. Notice how your son is aware of a neighbors marriage??? You've now made this part of their life story and they will likely feel entitled (as teenagers do) to share facts about their life with today (and tomorrow's) best friends. It's a part of teenage angst. Expect that you will need to revisit the sensitive nature of this information from time to time. This is another part of a good lesson about owning your mistakes, forgiveness and repentance.

Mr. W

Wayward Thread. Secrets again! No wonder your xH is triggering. No POJA. No RH. No JC. Still doing what ever makes you feel good. Did you ever think that maybe your xH didn't want this right now. Of course not. Do what ever you want. No wonder you don't have peace and quite. You keep being wayward. It almost seems like you want to Recover (maybe not your marriage), but you need to follow Harley's principles in dealing with your xH. No matter what happens in the future you will always have a relationship with your xH, because of the children. Following the principles will give you that peace and quite. You should be reading SAA, to get some idea of what you have done to your xH.