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I'm kind afraid if he's still contacting OW and I'm back to plan A, things will get all chaotic again.

Moving to CA will give me support, even if he doesn't ever wake up, I could survive in CA. But it will also create obstacle for him to stay married to me.

I started not so perfect plan b since 4/4. Since MiL lives with me, WH stops by our apt, while he doesn't come in, according to mil, and pick up mil for lunch or sth, whenever he has time. Sometimes we do switch cars, since I drive the SUV, only which could fit both kids comfortably, and he need to use my car during his visit. But I asked him to buy another car seat for his sedan. Other than that I don't make any contact to him.


Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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At my down times, I thought I couldn't take it a day more. Like last weekend, mil got sick and couldn't help me with the kids. She told me I should ask help from my relatives. My relatives asked me to keep tolerating. My boss was not happy about my constantly changing schedule. The job hunting didn't go very smoothly. My baby boy wakes up too often and too long at night. Felt like these couple of months, all the bad luck came at the same time. Wouldn't even bother with that I got read-ended on hwy, though everything was fine. Alamo car rental sent me claims on never noticed car scratch for extra two hundred bucks. Two parking tickets and car got towed once. In addition, my laptop died a sudden death last night, wish my WH's A could be like that.

But ok days, i guess I still try to be as upbeat as possible. Go to gym and movie during WH's visitation time does help. But I really don't know if I'm mentally strong enough to do plan a. I lost the motivation to do it.....

While I lost motivation to do plan a, my WH might lose motivation to R.

Ok, enough whining. Haven't done my tax yet. This weekend maybe.

Last edited by xpbrain1; 04/12/14 02:59 AM.

Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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What about going into Plan B now?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by xpbrain1
I'm kind afraid if he's still contacting OW and I'm back to plan A, things will get all chaotic again.

Moving to CA will give me support, even if he doesn't ever wake up, I could survive in CA. But it will also create obstacle for him to stay married to me.

He will easily overcome that obstacle if he is serious about recovery. I promise you it will not stop him.

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time now. hug


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
What about going into Plan B now?

Thanks, BH. I started not so perfect plan b since 4/4. Since MiL lives with me, WH stops by our apt, while he doesn't come in, according to mil, and pick up mil for lunch or sth, whenever he has time. Sometimes we do switch cars, since I drive the SUV, only which could fit both kids comfortably, and he need to use my car during his visit. But I asked him to buy another car seat for his sedan. Other than that I don't make any contact to him.

But now Dr Harley suggested me do some more plan a before moving to CA. I'll find a good timing to ask him move back.

Last edited by xpbrain1; 04/12/14 02:47 PM.

Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 227
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by xpbrain1
I'm kind afraid if he's still contacting OW and I'm back to plan A, things will get all chaotic again.

Moving to CA will give me support, even if he doesn't ever wake up, I could survive in CA. But it will also create obstacle for him to stay married to me.

He will easily overcome that obstacle if he is serious about recovery. I promise you it will not stop him.

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time now. hug

Thanks Mel. From what I know about him, I doubt he would be serious enough to move.


Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 227
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but I do understand, if he's not serious, i have no point to stay here.


Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 227
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in the email before he moves on 4/4, he's strongly against EP. Wouldn't delete contact or give me pwd or anything. he thought that is not the normal marriage should be like. In addition, he's still blaming me for most of the marriage problem, only admitting that it's wrong for him to have an A, but never ever remorseful. He felt NO love between us. He hates me for exposing him and destroy their true love.

He mentioned that they didn't have any contact for several day, and "in the foreseeable future, they will not contact each other".

what shall i do? please help me! shall i stay in plan b or do plan a?

it really hurts me reading his email. he is still irrational! he really hates me for ruining his love of life.

Last edited by xpbrain1; 04/13/14 12:12 AM.

Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 227
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if plan a, i wouldn't even mention the A and EP and stuff, right? Just avoid love buster and meet his ENs like nothing happened? If he's still cold and distant, i should just put into perspective that he's still wayward or his nonsense is just fogbabble?

should i even ask him to read SAA? would it do any good to educate him?

and dream that one day he would wake up? until i got my job offer?


Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
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Originally Posted by xpbrain1
in the email before he moves on 4/4, he's strongly against EP. Wouldn't delete contact or give me pwd or anything. he thought that is not the normal marriage should be like. In addition, he's still blaming me for most of the marriage problem, only admitting that it's wrong for him to have an A, but never ever remorseful. He felt NO love between us. He hates me for exposing him and destroy their true love.

He mentioned that they didn't have any contact for several day, and "in the foreseeable future, they will not contact each other".

what shall i do? please help me! shall i stay in plan b or do plan a?

it really hurts me reading his email. he is still irrational! he really hates me for ruining his love of life.
I think you should go into a dark Plan B and cut off all contact off. He has done way too much damage to you and he isn't remorseful at all.

I know it hurts and that's why you should go into Plan B.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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MIL oughta find a new place to live also.

One of the biggest strains on a marriage, since it cuts into potential romantic moments is having a relative live in your home.

You are not to be MIL's caregiver nor to depend on her for child care.

Your WH must find a solution for his mother, whether she moves in with him or elsewhere.







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Originally Posted by xpbrain1
what shall i do? please help me! shall i stay in plan b or do plan a?

If I were you, I would go into a dark Plan B. He already has you so beaten down and distraught that remaining in contact will bring you down even more. And I agree about finding other arrangements for the MIL if you can't get out of there very soon.

How soon can you get out of there?? Can you make this happen sooner?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks BH, reading, Mel. we already spend $2000 a month for child care, and i need to work full time. under current situation, i really can't afford to hire other helper. Also under such emotionally difficult time, it would be really too much taking care of two kids after work all by myself. my 6-month old son still needs to be fed 2-3 times a night, usu. half an hour each feeding, sometimes 1-2hrs still up. Now MIL wakes up at 5am and take over until nanny picks him up. so i only need to get up 1-2 times a night. and my daughter still have nightmares pretty often. MIL's help is just temporary and once my son only wakes 1 time at night, things would be much easier for me. I wanna be creative, but guys, tell me how to do this? i already get up at 7am, leave home at 7:40, drop off daughter, drive to work (commute 20-30min), get off work at 4:15, then pick up DD, go home cook dinner, cleaning and play with DD, shower for DD and put her to bed at 9pm. MIL helps taking care of DS put him to bed at 8pm. then i take the night shift from 9pm to feed my son once or twice.

how soon get out of here depends on how soon i can find a job in CA. moving to other state without a job is too risky financially, and i don't want to have the stress months later if still unemployed and living expenses in CA is as high as here in HI.

is it like my WH, never remorseful, not willing to delete contact or establish EP, would take a long time (months)to wake up even after the affair end? is it really hopeless in my case?


Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 227
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guys, is it possible i can listen to my radio episode again? i wanna find out under what circumstance did Dr. Harley recommend Plan A? is it all love busters (exposures, fights and threats) and go to plan b directly will have less chance to R?

is WH in withdrawal? if he's true to his promise and no longer contact OW, even he refuse EP, and reluctant to work on marriage, i still shall give it a try on eliminating LB and making love bank deposits? i know u guys might say never trust what wayward said.

like in SAA, when sue and john just started R, neither of them are willing to work on the marriage. if they follow their instincts, the marriage will most likely to fail. so if i can confirm he does terminate contacts, i shall just start making deposits, and let him know the importance of EP and convince him later?

Last edited by xpbrain1; 04/15/14 03:40 AM.

Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts

Thank you so much, BH.


Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
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Originally Posted by xpbrain1
Originally Posted by BrainHurts

Thank you so much, BH.
You're very welcome.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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While i was trying to do some networking in finding jobs in CA, I told WH's previous colleague/long time friend and WH's sort of like mentor previous supervisor about the A. They are all very supportive to me and they tried to talk to WH twice during the last week. But very disappointingly, WH is still adamant about divorce, and claimed the divorce is nothing to do with OW, just our marriage is beyond repair. He told them it's his final decision, and he doesn't want to give our marriage another chance for R.

I also urged MIL to give him more pressure. But she said she already told him if he continues his A, she will terminate her relation with him. But meanwhile she's spending time with him everyday, and supported him on divorce twice. She refused to get involved any further, since she's not strong enough for this...

I think WH would want to file for divorce so that we can have all the child custody issue settled before i move to CA with kids.

After moving to CA, all our friends there will know about his A. but seems like he doesn't care all about these anymore. All he wants is divorcing me and pursuing that OW. Does it mean any further exposure at this time is not that necessary? I shall just move to CA asap and probably do a couple of weeks of plan A before leaving?


Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 227
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WH is having this huge resentment toward me. During his conversation with his previous colleagues, he's very angry toward me, and blaming me for everything.

Another thing, after Saturday's child visitation time, he asked my DD to pass on the words that:"ask mommy don't yell at you, and ask her don't be mad at you". He's crazy now. probably he's trying to get back at me after i ask DD to tell him stop loving OW and stop breaking up the family.



Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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Originally Posted by xpbrain1
Does it mean any further exposure at this time is not that necessary? I shall just move to CA asap and probably do a couple of weeks of plan A before leaving?

For clarification, after entering into "Plan B", the betrayed spouse should have no direct contact with the wayward spouse.
I have not followed your thread; but if you are in Plan B as your signature indicates, then you should not return to Plan A prior to moving.

You should remain in Plan until the affair dies a natural death and your husband agrees to the conditions of the Plan B letter.

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