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Ah, RQ, you are just so young! Coffee only started effecting me negatively once I hit 50.
I have a suggestion for your "opposing personal clocks" situation. How about if, when you go to bed, Kiss comes in and spoons/ snuggles with you, at least until you fall asleep. If he is still awake 10 or 15 minutes after you are asleep, he could get up. But perhaps he will also fall asleep with you.
About the car/ Kiss's sis: Did you expose to your SIL at the time you did the A exposure?
About Kiss defending you, have you tried the line, "I'd love it if you would defend and protect me whenever someone makes a hurting comment." ? I had to bring this up with Taffy, and it took me a LONG time to get to this request, because I hate to feel like I can't stick up for myself/ am weak/ need a protector.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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I have a suggestion for your "opposing personal clocks" situation. How about if, when you go to bed, Kiss comes in and spoons/ snuggles with you, at least until you fall asleep. If he is still awake 10 or 15 minutes after you are asleep, he could get up. But perhaps he will also fall asleep with you. He does do this but I often wake up in the middle of the night and he is not there. A huge trigger as that is what he did during his A, when he would text/call his AP. About the car/ Kiss's sis: Did you expose to your SIL at the time you did the A exposure? Yes, but I believe it fell on deaf ears at the time as she believed his lies rather than my truth. It is not something I want to rehash now, if ykwim. About Kiss defending you, have you tried the line, "I'd love it if you would defend and protect me whenever someone makes a hurting comment." ? I had to bring this up with Taffy, and it took me a LONG time to get to this request, because I hate to feel like I can't stick up for myself/ am weak/ need a protector. I will do this in the future. Kiss has told me that he has stuck up for me, but since it wasn't in my presence and the offender did not acknowledge my hurt, I did not feel any better.
Last edited by Rocketqueen; 04/19/14 08:25 PM.
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If I remember correctly, you moved to get away from triggers and to have a better environment for marriage. As I understood the advice you got, the advice was to move, with essentially a Plan B letter of "this is what it will take for you to be with me", and see if he would make the changes and follow you. What seems to have happened is that you moved only after you worked a bit to convince him to go with you.
I hope this isn't too rough, but you allowed him to be a jellyfish there, and all you accomplished is dragging the same jellyfish with you to a new place that still has triggers fer cryin' out loud. You really need to move again.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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Lifetime, the only triggers that are here is the resentment I have towards how his family handles/handled things. It would probably do me well to limit contact with them. Which won't be too hard.
The environment, however, is perfect for a better marriage. With Kiss working less hours and home every night, we are able to spend more time together. We just need to focus on making that quality UA time. We have only been here for about 3 weeks.
As far as Kiss being a "jellyfish", I don't disagree. Though I blame myself for being one as well and not having a backbone when I needed one. I'm working on that.
It has been hard for me adjusting to being a "home maker". I hate that word. I much prefer "trophy wife"! Lol
I appreciate your input, LL.
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If I remember correctly, you moved to get away from triggers and to have a better environment for marriage. As I understood the advice you got, the advice was to move, with essentially a Plan B letter of "this is what it will take for you to be with me", and see if he would make the changes and follow you. What seems to have happened is that you moved only after you worked a bit to convince him to go with you.
I hope this isn't too rough, but you allowed him to be a jellyfish there, and all you accomplished is dragging the same jellyfish with you to a new place that still has triggers fer cryin' out loud. You really need to move again. I do not recall Dr. Harley giving her this advice when she was on his Radio Show.
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Hello friends! I thought I would pop in and post an update now that Kiss and I are settled in our new home.
Kiss had a social function during the work day that involved employees of the OS. I told him that I was uncomfortable with it and NOT enthusiastic about it. He didn't even attempt to POJA it or anything, he just went. I felt very upset and withdrawn from him because of it. This is a problem, a MAJOR problem. It indicates that he is continually unwilling to follow the POJA
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Hello friends! I thought I would pop in and post an update now that Kiss and I are settled in our new home.
Kiss had a social function during the work day that involved employees of the OS. I told him that I was uncomfortable with it and NOT enthusiastic about it. He didn't even attempt to POJA it or anything, he just went. I felt very upset and withdrawn from him because of it. This is a problem, a MAJOR problem. It indicates that he is continually unwilling to follow the POJA Agreed. And I am not sure that how RQ got herself to Florida would make a difference. KISS doesn't really seem to get it re what RQ needs to feel cared for. Once he gets comfortable, that aspect always surfaces.
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Well, RQ, I hope that things really do get better for you two and that you'll never see that car again, either!
I will try to find your show and listen again to see if I remembered Dr. Harley's advice incorrectly.
Maybe you and Kiss can enroll in the online accountability to keep things rolling and avoid any further stagnant times.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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I listened to both shows again and Dr. Harley did say that he wasn't against you moving by yourself. However it wasn't the focus of the conversation, but UA time was, whether where you were or at a new place. He also wasn't all that keen on kiss being in a job with so many women.
So, now that Kiss has the time, has he been using it to spend UA time with you meeting EN'S? You said that you'd been there "only" three weeks, so are you still waiting for him to meet your needs?
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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RQ, can you have him post again here?
FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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RQ, can you have him post again here? He has NO interest in posting, as evidenced by his lack of doing so
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KISS doesn't really seem to get it re what RQ needs to feel cared for. Oh, I think he gets it. Some posters, I see where they are clueless about MB and how to demonstrate care and protection. But that's not KISS. This has been discussed with KISS extensively on his thread, which he showed resistance to and ultimately abandoned.
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Dr Harley's response to an email from a poster whose WH went to co-ed AA meetings without POJA: I don't believe that the POJA is an option for marriage. I believe that it's essential for marriage. Those who do not follow that guideline face a lifetime of misery. That's because if spouses don't make their decisions with each other's feelings in mind, they end up trampling over each other's feelings, the way your husband has trampled over your feelings. If your husband feels that the POJA is something that can be violated occasionally, he'll have another affair, or do something else to ruin your life. His affair may or may not be with someone in his co-ed AA meeting, but will almost be a certainty. If your husband, or anyone else, for that matter, doesn't take extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair, they'll end up having one because they're so common and so tempting. From my perspective, it's that simple.
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Why is he still not using POJA? Isn't one of his EPs not to be at functions with OS? I don't know, Brainy girl. I even brought up that he has spoken to Dr. Harley himself about this very thing. "But it's my job!" Is what I get. I didn't get the impression after listening to him on that radio show that he was going to make a dramatic change in his attitude regarding EPs. He had to be prompted by Joyce that there should be an acknowledgement on his part that he shouldn't have broken the EP vs telling you not to "worry". When I tried to discuss it with him later that night and explain that I was hurt by it, he turned me on to the defensive about how I am on Facebook all the time (which I am not) and how MB would feel about me going to dinner with my co-workers before I left NY ( which he was enthusiastic about at the time). So rather than addressing my complaint, I was put on the defensive.  What is your plan here? Because this should be a deal breaker.
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KISS doesn't really seem to get it re what RQ needs to feel cared for. Oh, I think he gets it. Some posters, I see where they are clueless about MB and how to demonstrate care and protection. But that's not KISS. This has been discussed with KISS extensively on his thread, which he showed resistance to and ultimately abandoned. Oh, I remember. A few of us were slammed pretty hard for calling him out on things, too.
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It isn't a deal breaker for me, though. And that, I think, has always been the problem. It would take another affair or other abuse for it to be so. So how do I protect myself and my marriage when the other spouse does not put the same effort in that I do?
I think that is what I have been struggling with for a long time. Boundaries and consequences and trying to educate him. Though, I have given up most of that since I have no "plan".
The only thing that might help is the online program and we don't have the money for that.
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So how do I protect myself and my marriage when the other spouse does not put the same effort in that I do? RQ I don't think you can protect a marriage with only one person working. A marriage is made up of two I think that is what I have been struggling with for a long time. Boundaries and consequences and trying to educate him. Though, I have given up most of that since I have no "plan". So, really you have no plan?!!
FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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RQ:
I understand not wanting to educate Kiss. And the exhaustion that comes with ALWAYS having to be the recovery bus driver. (What would that uniform look like? And what shoes would you wear with it?)
Can I encourage you to start a savings plan for the online program? How can you and Kiss make it fun?
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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It isn't a deal breaker for me, though. And that, I think, has always been the problem. It would take another affair or other abuse for it to be so. So how do I protect myself and my marriage when the other spouse does not put the same effort in that I do?
I think that is what I have been struggling with for a long time. Boundaries and consequences and trying to educate him. Though, I have given up most of that since I have no "plan".
The only thing that might help is the online program and we don't have the money for that. I dont think the online program would help at all.
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It isn't a deal breaker for me, though. And that, I think, has always been the problem. It would take another affair or other abuse for it to be so. So how do I protect myself and my marriage when the other spouse does not put the same effort in that I do?
I think that is what I have been struggling with for a long time. Boundaries and consequences and trying to educate him. Though, I have given up most of that since I have no "plan".
The only thing that might help is the online program and we don't have the money for that. I dont think the online program would help at all. Why is that, Jedi?
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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