I gotcha. But I don't agree he is "very firm on divorce." That is just empty talk. A person who is serious about divorce, gets divorce. Talk is cheap.


If you think it will help. I don't. The only exposure that would have any effect would be his workplace. He can't very well bring her here if he doesn't have a job! The longer the affair goes on, the less likely your marriage will make it. And if your marriage doesn't make it, you won't have the benefit of that job anyway.

Thanks Jedi and Mel. before WH moving out, he already gathered all the divorce documents and filled out some. That's right after I exposed to OW's work place, and he's trying to get a divorce asap.

I think exposure at his workplace should only considered as last resort. He cared about his job so much that he tried to record our conversation to show i was emotional unstable and unfit for child custody to threaten me not to expose to his workplace. He previously was not willing to move out, but I told him if he's not, i would, and i would get help from neighbors, aka, his colleagues. Then he just gave up.

if my first priority is get out of here with kids, i should not expose him to workplace. i know he would file immediately to keep me in HI forever, as revenge.

Doesn't sound like he is too serious about divorce. Sounds like a classic wayward who waves around idle threats of divorce but never follows through.


It is a gamble for sure, but he needs to lose that job if your marriage is going to make it. You realize that, right?

There is an argument to be made, that a wayward is usually willing to give up much (including custody of their own children) while in an affair. Because they are selfish and only the affair matters to them.

Personally, I have custody of my 3 kids because my wife was so selfish that she really didnt try to fight for custody.
As her affair has started to melt down after a couple years, she is starting to focus on getting more custody.

That's something to think about.

Ideally, everyone should have been exposed to months ago.

But if you are in Plan Escape to CA then I think you should focus on that: moving, establishing residence and divorce/ custody. You can always reconcile later, after his affair dies a natural death.

Let me tell you what serious about divorce is:
My wife left the home and spent the night with OM. Within 48 hours, I was in an attorneys office, and filed for divorce. The court received the paperwork within a week from the attorney.

That is being serious about divorce. printing off some papers and leaving them sitting on a table is not.

Thank you guys so much for your responses. That truly means the world to me, esp. not too much family support and not many of my friends understand the MB concept.

based on what you guys said, I'm not sure how serious WH is about divorce. On 3/29, he did promise not to bring up divorce before 5/24, 6 month after d-day. during the conversation with his good friends on 4/19, he repeatedly refused to " give our marriage another chance", and claimed that that was his final decision. From d-day, he has been telling me that he wants a divorce. I don't know if i shall react to what he said, but even if he's not serious about divorce, he wouldn't commit to the marriage either.

he's so deeply in the fog, but OW, since she's been exposed at workplace, hopefully she would clear up more. Then I hope she would terminate the relationship, since i will continue to cause trouble in her life.

THE OW is very shrewd and wily and she wants your husband for herself. If he didn't have a job, he would be useless to her. I believe she sees him as her ticket out of China.

Bingo! Your husband is not serious about "divorce." He is just using that threat as leverage to continue his affair. A person who is serious has actions to back up their words.

i'm very nervous to do the final round of exposure (I know trickle exposure is not encouraged, but the first 3-4 months i haven't found MB yet...), which will include all my friends in CA, and some local friends in HI, including a couple of WH's colleagues that we hang out a bit. maybe that's second to final. Report to the authorities at WH's workplace will be final round, but i'll leave that as my card to get out of HI.

Also i'm going to send out the letter about AOA and other stuff i mentioned couple of days ago.

I can't wait forever to get the OWH's info. OR shall I wait to get the "nuclear effect"? I understand exposure to OWH will be most effective?

The exposure would be more effective than an AOA letter to OW.
As a general rule, exposure should be "nuclear" and not trickle.
He has probably already started making a cover story for his co workers

Thanks Jedi. I sent out both letter before i left work today. Waiting for the storm. Not sure if he would break plan B.

I talked to one of the colleague' wife a week ago, seemed she didn't know anything. Anyway, not much I could do now. Focus on job hunting.

Good job xpbrain!! You did the right thing.

Why would you wait on this? I think this minimizes your effectiveness at a time when you need all the help you can get.

It is up to you to make sure he does not get through. That is not his job. That is yours.

Thanks, Mel. But if that's done now, I really don't have any bargain power to get out of here, if he files D in HI.

sadly, we live in company housing, i can't change locks. He didn't come back last night, instead, he wrote a very angry, all darkest moments from our 15 yrs marriage, words said when we were having fights, to all our friends. he didn't even cc me, not giving me a chance to defend myself. but i kinda warned my friends about this "fog babble".

anyway, this is not going well. nothing could stop him destruct himself.

I thought you were in plan B?

Can you move to temporary accommodations until you can get out of there? Yh do realize the longer you wait the more likely he will be to PREVENT YOU FROM GOING AT ALL?

maybe the best way is to just move out into a new home there? At the very least you could move into a hotel, couldn't you?

thanks Mel. i'll try to figure sth. out.

xp,

You have a good support in CA, correct? Could you move there with them until you can find your own place?

Thanks Mel and BH. It shouldn't be a problem if i just stay at friends' place for several days. most of my friends have kids themselves, and i don't think i should stay with them for too long with two very young children. it would to too much for my friends. I can rent an apt pretty quickly. but without a job, my savings won't last long given the living expenses in CA. i think i'm kinda risk-averse on this matter and i would really freak out after several months without a job.

another thing is, after the exposure, my friend told me WH wrote a very nasty email BCC to them without sending to me, demonizing me and blaming me for everything. he doesn't even want me to defend myself. i sent out the exposure letter using the sample, without to much detail about the A. Shall I email my friends to explain things? Otherwise i would look really bad if anyone believes him.

WH even told my the other friend that im emotional unstable and unfit to take care of both kids. he suggested to them that for the best interest of the kids, we should split the kids, he takes one staying in HI and i take on to CA. I told him a million times that it's unacceptable, but he kept bringing that up.