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Hi, Having read the information on this great, helpful site, I am still at a bit of a loss as which way to proceed.

I have been with C (male and I am female) for 9 years as partners. I have 5 birth children (3 of which have now in their own homes, the other two being 11 and 18) and two foster children ( one profoundly disabled who is 8..... Been with us since birth and a 17 month old who we have had from birth and nursed through cancer ( now in remission and will go to adopters soon)

November I felt something wasn't right......tried to encourage conversation and was met by 'startled, frightened looking little frozen boy' (like a rabbit in headllights kind of look ). After a couple of weeks I was struggling with lack of communication ( this has always been the case concerning emotional issues with C) and had an angry outburst whereby I stated ( completely unproductively I know realise) that the kids / me would have a better relationship away from him if he wasn't prepared to talk about things. He left it 2 weeks then announced he wanted us to separate ( at some point and he had no plan). I was devastated as I thought we would be able to address any problems together and work on communication for ourselves within the busy caring roles we both provide)

He could see how genuinely upset I was and how much I did love him and want us to try and sort things out. he agreed we should try and suggested we go to a counsellor. We did in Dec and she felt C had some personal issues he neede to address. After a few weeks C told me that he had been living all his life with fear of getting aids, guilt and shame following adolescent homosexual experimentation. There had also been some adult purely physical sexual encounters with men ( none whilst he has been with me). I was surprised but not shocked and was very supportive.....he was emotionally looking not well. As far as I knew we were trying to make the relationship work between End of Nov and we were talking openly and honestly I thought. We were close, taking care of one another, spending all time together, apart from C being at work, and it seemed to be good( c was still seeing counsellor weekly).

Then, at the end of Feb I find texts on phone making it clear that he was in an emotional affair with a woman at work. After being confronted he said he wanted our relationship to end, that for him it had ended months ago and the ow was nothing to do with it.

Since then he started going off to see her ( total of 6 times) after fulfilling responsibility of kids. This was destroying me so told him he would need to move out. Practically and financially that would be hard so he agreed to stop seeing other woman ( apart from the few hours a week she supports him as a teaching assistant whilst he lectures) until we sell the house( it was on the market anyway before all this). He still texts in an obsessive manner and we get on really well dy to day in a separated way physically but he is now waiting until he can have his own place so that he can pursue that relationship.

I love the man dearly and ,believe he has had some kind of midlife emotional crisis and don't want to give up on what I believe ( having now discovered this site) could be a great relationship for us both.he says he loves me but not in the way he should.

Any advice would be so appreciated, many thanks, Sally ( in UK)

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Hi Sally, welcome to Marriage Builders. Are you married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sally, I would let him know that if he wants to remain with you, he will need to practice complete openness and transparency with his life, and also commit to you formally, i.e., marry you. If he does not agree to this, or does not follow through, then I think you should go into Dr. Harley's Plan B to protect yourself emotionally (and physically). You can read more about that here


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Two books you might want to get are Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair, and his book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. You are with a freeloader - this book will describe how Renters and Freeloaders can become Buyers by adopting what Dr. Harley calls the "Buyer's Agreement."


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Melody lane, no we are not married......He said at the beginning of the relationship that he really wanted to but he has never asked. I suppose I didn't make it clear that I would have said yes and knowing what I know now it seems he is afraid of anything that may cause him any discussions about important matters.

Markos, I have seen plan B but wonder how I can put that into practice when he would want to see the kids and has even said we should go on holiday as parents with the children.
Emotionally, it is hard for me as if he is ill then I will not abandon him.

Thank you both so much for your comments....it is good to have some advice.

Sally

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Plan B is not abandoning your partner. It's to protect you from the emotional harm from his affair. The emotional harm will lead to physical harm very quickly for women. That's why Dr. Harley recommends Plan B for affairs and other types of abuse. Plan B is also designed to protect your love for your partner. If you continue to stay in contact with a wayward, you will lose your love for him, making recovery very difficult, if not impossible.

In Plan B, you would let him know what it will take to recover, which will include marrying you. You would set up an intermediary to communicate about child arrangements.

Waywards want to have their cake and eat it, too. Your partner wants to keep you around for an option. Plan B removes you as his option.


Married 1980
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Originally Posted by Sallyed
Markos, I have seen plan B but wonder how I can put that into practice when he would want to see the kids and has even said we should go on holiday as parents with the children.

Many people with children on this site have made Plan B work and can give you help. It is really relatively simple - you get a friend or family member to help with dropoffs of children so you don't have to have contact with him, and you simply don't follow any suggestions he has previously made that would violate Plan B, like taking trips together. And you aren't accepting communications from him, so you won't get any future such suggestions to mess with your head.

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Emotionally, it is hard for me as if he is ill then I will not abandon him.

He is not ill. He is simply living a freeloader lifestyle - where he wants to do whatever he likes regardless of how much it hurts you, where he gets your way at your expense. Freeloader relationships are not sustainable; they have to transform into Buyer relationships for long term success. I definitely re-recommend that book: Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. Here is a thread that will give you an introduction to it:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2476846#Post2476846


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Sallyed
Then, at the end of Feb I find texts on phone making it clear that he was in an emotional affair with a woman at work. After being confronted he said he wanted our relationship to end, that for him it had ended months ago and the ow was nothing to do with it.

Why do you expect him to act married when he's not?

That's the problems with being "partners" and not married.



BH: 46
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3 DD: 20,17,11
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Originally Posted by Justlooking24
Originally Posted by Sallyed
Then, at the end of Feb I find texts on phone making it clear that he was in an emotional affair with a woman at work. After being confronted he said he wanted our relationship to end, that for him it had ended months ago and the ow was nothing to do with it.

Why do you expect him to act married when he's not?

That's the problems with being "partners" and not married.

That exact same scenario plays out with married couples too.

LTL

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I agree totally justlooking24

I would have liked to have been married and am sad that we weren't because that maybe would have given him more commitment to work things out now. However, he is still committed to being there for the children and acknowledges that 8 years ago we took the profoundly disabled newborn baby on together.




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Sally, I have a disabled child too. I would prepare yourself for a reality of raising these children alone. A parent who is a freeloader in life is prone to abandon the children too, it is hard enough when you are committed. His lack of commitment is quite clear. How one finds time for this crap while you are at home taking care of the children shows he is quite happy to string along the caretaker who allows his freeloader ways. His so-called commitment means that you do the work while he plays.

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Hi Sally, welcome to MB, always nice to have fellow Brits around here.

I see you would have preferred marriage, but it's never been a bottom line for you. You agreed to have children and have given him a loving family home without his ever needing to make any public, formal promises to care for you for life. He's been left free to window shop while he makes this decision, and it's never been a decision he's had to make, because you settled for less.

I know that when I was cheated on, you suddenly realise how important those public promises are. It's like proof you were happy once. He has rewritten history hasn't he? To make it appear as though he never loved you or he was never truly happy. If he'd acted out those vague promises of marriage he made with real actions he wouldn't be able to do this. It's also more acceptable for him to leave you - he looks like less of a rat to friends and family than if he had married you.

Nevertheless I'd still make sure everyone knows the truth. I see from your description that his conscience has tweaked him at times. However he's hoping to stop these twinges of guilt by creating a faux buddy parenting system with you where he can convince you and everyone else that he hasn't abandoned the family he created for a bit of strange tail.

This betrayal has nearly killed you, and if you allow yourself to become his approving sticking plaster it will finish you off entirely. Drop the kids off using an intermediary - he is a big boy and should be able to parent them using proper one-on-one time alone without needing buddyship and your tacit approval of his affair. How confusing will it be to the kids to see you approving this abandonment?

Only cheaters ever think this is a good idea.

Make it clear you will not support this decision in any way and no contact will reign until he gives you the full package - No Contact with the OW and marriage.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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File for child support.

It will legally protect the minor children and give your longtime bf a dose or financial reality to add to the other financial reality of a living situation.







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Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate
Originally Posted by Justlooking24
Originally Posted by Sallyed
Then, at the end of Feb I find texts on phone making it clear that he was in an emotional affair with a woman at work. After being confronted he said he wanted our relationship to end, that for him it had ended months ago and the ow was nothing to do with it.

Why do you expect him to act married when he's not?

That's the problems with being "partners" and not married.

That exact same scenario plays out with married couples too.

LTL

It sure does - there are lots of freeloaders in marriage. But if a person won't even commit, they are by definition not a Buyer. They are reserving the right to back away - refusing to take ownership.

There's lots more in the book.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by alis
His so-called commitment means that you do the work while he plays.

Exactly! He gets his way at your expense ==> definition of a freeloader.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by reading
File for child support.

It will legally protect the minor children and give your longtime bf a dose or financial reality to add to the other financial reality of a living situation.

It doesn't look like any of the children are his. He would not owe child support if that is the case.

ETA: If none of these children are his and he has no legal responsibility for the foster children, Plan B or Plan Adios would be much easier as there would be no legal ties binding you to him.

Are you the sole foster parent or is bf a joint legal foster parent too?

Last edited by black_raven; 05/02/14 10:38 AM.

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Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Black Raven,
Yes, you are right. I have 5 birth children from a marriage of 13 years ( divorced a good many years ago).
Been with partner 9 years.....youngest birth child 11 years. Partner no children of his own and considers my youngest to be his son. Has been excellent with the children and always come home from work and spent all weekends with us etc.
8 year old foster child is profoundly disabled...... Been here since birth.....we are jointly classed as permanent foster carers to her. In uk foster carers do not have parenteral responsibility so legally we are nothing to her.
Partner has no legal responsibility towards any of the children. He is saying will have her every weekend and still run around for the 11 year old and spend lots of time with him.
Also have 17 month old foster baby since birth. She is now in remission from cancer following surgery in October......she will be moving in next few months to adopters.
I suppose up until really recently I have been thinking that partner may have been adversely affected by the stress of looking after these children and had some kind of breakdown.
I am beginning to think that this is not the case now but rather has met someone else he prefers who appears more exciting than myself.he says he feels bad about his decision but that it is something 'that is right and he has got to do'. I have asked why he would not consider us reconciling but says he doesn't feel for me what he should but still cares.
Plan B would be hard to do if he still has involvement with foster child as we would have to exchange vehicles equipment etc.

I love your Eleanor quote!



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Originally Posted by Sallyed
Plan B would be hard to do if he still has involvement with foster child as we would have to exchange vehicles equipment etc.

My guess is that if he goes off interested in some other woman, he's not going to try to maintain an interest in the children. None of them are his, and he has no legal obligation, so it's not likely. And being a freeloader, that is probably for the best for them!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

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Originally Posted by Sallyed
Plan B would be hard to do if he still has involvement with foster child as we would have to exchange vehicles equipment etc.

And for the record lots of people make Plan B work with children. If he wants to maintain a relationship with the child he should be responsible and provide his own equipment, which I doubt he'll do.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos.......as you know I am new to here.......how do I get to chance to chat to people who have made plan B work please?

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