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#2799782 05/05/14 08:47 AM
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Not sure, if anything anyone can help me with but I am about done!!
Been married 28 years. I love my wife dearly BUT very frustrated! My wife has always been a very cold, non-touching, non-affectionate, non-romantic woman. However she is a wonderful mother to our children and a wonderful wife when it comes to the houshold. I give her an A+ in those two catagories. As far as a warm, affectionate, romantic woman? D- to an F. I guess this is why I have stayed married to her, two out of three is pretty good.

Her coldness has always been a problem but I have learned (forced myself) over the years to try to accept her for who she is, especially since thats what she always tells me to do. Thats all and good however there are times I cannot overcome the natural urge to simple want touched, some romance or affection, especially since that is my love language (physical touch). It is EXTREMELY difficult to always have your "love tank" bouncing on EMPTY and nowhere to turn to get a fill up.

We have read all the books on love languages, marriage builders emotional needs ect... with no avail. We have also talked about this issue so many times over the years I cant even count them. I know her needs, words of affirmation and acts of service and I work very hard attempting to keep her tank full!

We are recently "empty nesters", kids are gone to college. I honestly thought (hoped) things might start to get better now that we have more one to one time together....I was wrong and VERY disaapointed. It seems like things are actually worse. I dont know what to do any more. We are both Christians and love the Lord with all hearts. I have prayed about this for soooooo many years that I am to the point I have given up on any answer to prayer for this. I just now pray for strength to overcome the frustration I live with every day. I dont want to even consider leaving but I do sometimes think it would be far better being alone than frustrateed every day of my life??

Anyone have any advice other than read more books, talk to each other or seek counselling?? We have done it all and that doesnt work!

NotTouched #2799806 05/05/14 09:52 AM
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Welcome to MB.

What about the online program, where you will be assigned a coach?

Or emailing Dr. Harley?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



NotTouched #2799808 05/05/14 10:01 AM
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NotTouched Welcome to MB and I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.

It sounds like you guys have trying a lot of things. Have you considered Dr H Plan A and Plan B .

You may want to consider an online course that includes coaching if you haven't already.


Me 40M
Wife 43F
3 kids 9M, 5M, 1F

Together 15 yrs, Married 10 yrs, live together most of our dating life. Did not live together our year of our engagement. Working hard to fall more in love with my wife.
life4799 #2799825 05/05/14 11:12 AM
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How much time alone together do you get each week? Doing what?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2799839 05/05/14 12:19 PM
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Hi NotTouched

I'm sorry you're living with so much frustration. I am in a similar situation and feel your pain. I am currently considering Plan A and B because I have found my hill to die on. Its not something I want to do, but can't stand continuing to live with status quo. I don't know if you have reached your hill to die on, but I think you have to ask yourself a hard question I recently asked myself...which is worse, status quo or living without your spouse?

My situation is different in that my husband's job keeps him gone most of the time. So I'm pretty much already living without him. For me the tough decision is whether or not I want to risk losing the very thin connection we do still have.

This probably doesn't help you much but I wanted you to know others can relate to the frustration you feel.

tamak #2799857 05/05/14 01:54 PM
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NT,

My guess is that your wife is not in love with you. When a woman feels in love with a man, her emotions usually prompt her to want to meet his emotional needs, and to be physical with him.

According to Dr. Harley, in order to be in love a couple needs to be spending 15 enjoyable hours a week together. It's called the Policy of Undivided Attention. The first thing to do would be to start doing this with her, and after a few weeks see if things are any better.

The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

Reading marriage books with her will not do near as much as taking her out on 4 4 hour dates each week!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2799874 05/05/14 04:44 PM
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Welcome to MB. You have found a pretty good place to get some pretty good answers.

Has your wife ever said "I love you but not in love with you"

Has there ever been any (emotional or physical) affairs of sorts between either of you?

Are there any structural issues like debt, health, that could cause an impact on this.

What's your wife complain about the most?

Are there any critical moments of neglect between you two?

When did the intimacy between you two go down hill?

What was it like when intimacy was good between you two? (Basicly a bit about the good times together)

I am sure that if you answer those questions it will create a picture for everyone to help giving good advice and get the ball rolling in the direction it needs to go.

MNG

tamak #2799877 05/05/14 05:32 PM
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Thanks Tamak, You were a big help. It really helps just knowing Im not the only one out here dying on the vine. To answer your question...Yes, I have reached my hill to die on. Posting here is my last stance for help. I hear what your saying about the tough decision. The way I look at it, Im far better alone and frustrated than with someone I desire so much but cant have.

BrainHurts #2799878 05/05/14 05:33 PM
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Been there..done that... doesn't help

Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Welcome to MB.

What about the online program, where you will be assigned a coach?

Or emailing Dr. Harley?

MrNiceGuy #2799880 05/05/14 05:42 PM
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No, she has never said I lv e you but not in love

No affairs that I am aware of.

Not any structural issues. We have a pretty good life, good money, no health issues or anything else I can think of.

About the only thing she complains about is that she wishes she could be a better wife to me.

Not sure what you mean about critical moments of neglect. I try to meet all her needs. I work very hard at that. That's one thing I don't feel or see her doing.

Intimacy has always been a problem. When first married I always thought she would warm up some day. 32 years together and Im still waiting.

When we do have sex, I have absolutely no complaints. Its really not the sex Im have an issue with. Its just the frigid coldness in between which can be weeks.


Originally Posted By: MrNiceGuy
Welcome to MB. You have found a pretty good place to get some pretty good answers.

Has your wife ever said "I love you but not in love with you"

Has there ever been any (emotional or physical) affairs of sorts between either of you?

Are there any structural issues like debt, health, that could cause an impact on this.

What's your wife complain about the most?

Are there any critical moments of neglect between you two?

When did the intimacy between you two go down hill?

What was it like when intimacy was good between you two? (Basicly a bit about the good times together)

I am sure that if you answer those questions it will create a picture for everyone to help giving good advice and get the ball rolling in the direction it needs to go.

MNG

Prisca #2799881 05/05/14 05:44 PM
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We are together quite a bit during the week. Approx 20 -25 hours or more a week.

Originally Posted By: Prisca
How much time alone together do you get each week? Doing what?

NotTouched #2799883 05/05/14 05:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: NotTouched
We are together quite a bit during the week. Approx 20 -25 hours or more a week.

Originally Posted By: Prisca
How much time alone together do you get each week? Doing what?

Doing what?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

NotTouched #2799891 05/05/14 06:03 PM
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I would start working out. If you don't already.

Also.. Be outcome independant (don't show disappointment even if you are) if somethings not going as you want it to.

When you go on a date (which should be often) come home from work and tell her (you should know your wife well by now and what she likes) to get ready.. Your taking her out. (Don't tell her.. Just make sure its someplace you know she likes). If you go out for dinner.. Sit next to her and not across from her (easier to cuddle.. And stroke her leg).

Start framing yourself as the best.. And be funny and amusing in your conversations. Look for situational humor. If your selfesteem is low she will feel unattracted to you (working out will help this). She likely "can't put a finger on why" or tell you but she feels it since women are emotional creatures. Keep topics going on things she can feel or remember feeling that she associates as positive.

**EDIT**

If she denies you affection (possibly does if to her it always leads to sex) be cool about it.. Don't let it bother you. Smile and carry on like nothing happened.

Also.. Don't wait or hope for affection. Just go for it. She's your wife. Be the man. If she complains when you touch her (say a gentle drive by with a playful smack on the butt). Look at her with a smile and eyes that's ripping her cloths off and say something amusing and in a fun tone like "what?, don't ya want a piece of this awesomeness" flex your arm and walk away.

It will take time but she should warm up.. Especially if your working out and feeling good about yourself.

MNG

Last edited by Mizar; 05/06/14 09:04 AM. Reason: please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders principles before advising posters
NotTouched #2799893 05/05/14 06:05 PM
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NoTouching

You are most definitely not alone on that vine. You said you tried the online program and emailing Dr. Harley and it didn't help. Have you considered a phone counseling session?

NotTouched #2799894 05/05/14 06:06 PM
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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Welcome to MB.

What about the online program, where you will be assigned a coach?

Or emailing Dr. Harley?
[/quote]
Originally Posted By: NotTouched
Been there..done that... doesn't help
]

Who was your MB coach? What does Dr Harley say about your situation?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MrNiceGuy #2799895 05/05/14 06:08 PM
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Also .. Critical moments are things that have set her off. Like being unsensitive when the family pet dies.. Or failing to protect her somehow that might cause her to lose respect and see you as less of a man. Or bad things said in fights etc that she never forgets. Basicly anything that she may precieve as a critical moment and was really mad at you for because you didn't handle it properly in her opinion.

MNG

NotTouched #2799907 05/05/14 06:35 PM
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Originally Posted By: NotTouched
We are together quite a bit during the week. Approx 20 -25 hours or more a week.


That is not what we mean by undivided attention time. just being together accomplishes nothing. We want to know how many hoours you are out on actual DATES meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. I woild guess next to none since your main complaint is that she doesn't meet your needs.

The above is the big MISS in your marriage. She is not in love with you beuacs you are not spending time together meeting each others needs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2799908 05/05/14 06:38 PM
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Well ML from what OP says.. He tries hard to meet her needs but she is reluctant to meet his.

Possibly his wife has a contrast effect of sorts if his efforts are not producing results.

MNG

MrNiceGuy #2799915 05/05/14 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: MrNiceGuy
Well ML from what OP says.. He tries hard to meet her needs but she is reluctant to meet his.


He is not meeting her needs. That is the problem. If he were meeting her needs and doing it correctly, she would be in love with him. She is not in love.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2799990 05/06/14 06:26 AM
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I agree. It sounds like they spend time together, but since the word date hasn't even been mentioned yet it sounds like no needs of hers are met during this time together.

So time together which accomplishes nothing and I'd guess they've tried traditional marriage counselling which as we know accomplishes nothing too.

She is probably not helping matters because she isn't asking for any needs. She expects it to happen internally by magic which is why she wishes she were a better wife.

This program, which puts the focus on finding out what her needs are will help a lot.

I'd guess she is also having sex because she feels she should, not because she really wants to. Which as we know is dangerous while her needs aren't being met. This just makes her feel worse.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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