No, it's really not a more reasonable option.
You've had two affairs now. You cannot afford to take any risk, and Facebook is a very big risk for even the healthiest of marriages. It's a breeding ground for affairs. That's why getting rid of social networking is a basic EP.

BTW, markos and I "evaluated" the facebook friends we had. I still had an affair there. It's simply too big a risk for you to take, especially with the fragile state your marriage is currently in.

Your husband thinks taking risks in marriage is OK. That is why he is traveling now, and why he thinks keeping Facebook around is acceptable. Look at where taking risks has gotten your marriage. If he isn't willing to put in place common sense protections that both of you need to observe, then he isn't willing to save this marriage. He is going to continue with meaningless mind reading exercises and love busting until you have no choice but to separate. His desire to find ways to punish you appears to be his primary motivation right now.

I think this EP issue is an acid test for your relationship. There is no justification for resisting common sense EPs. If he doesn't start getting serious about protecting your marriage, then I don't think you have a marriage worth protecting.

I agree. And plans for her to be an Army officer while MM is a Navy officer is beyond taking the risks referred to above. There are so many love busters on both sides in this marriage and so much resistance to eliminating them, I don't see much hope for them.

AM

I admittedly have not read this entire post, but I have read about your many familiar sounding actions. I am the betrayed spouse who has been dealing with the problems brought into my marriage from my WH. It has been four and a half years since D day for me. We have tried many of the steps in marriage builders and frankly the pain of the past is so overwhelmingly great because of the betrayal of trust, the utter disrespect for me,and the constant reminder by just being in the presence of my spouse that surviving the affair has been almost impossible and continues to seem impossible.

I read your posts and your desperation for recovery of your marriage and frankly it actually irritates me. Perhaps I'm not allowed to be so frank on this forum, but I think it's important. My husband, like you, wants more than anything for this relationship to be restored. I certainly would like for this to occur too, but honestly when I think about his previous actions and now see his desperation like yours, I am sickened because he chose to enter into an affair and to betray me and wreck our relationship. We were not having problems at the time of his affair he was just intrigued by his former high school sweetheart because she asked him if he'd consider getting back together...this was fifteen years after they had broken up when he was 35 and he felt he had unresolved feelings for her and needed to explore this. Crazy, right!

Now try to put your husband's shoes on for a few minutes and live in the mental anguish and hell that is occurring in his mind everyday, knowing that the person he pledged his life to love, honor and respect, said "no thanks" I'd rather try out these other folks for awhile and see if I like them better. Suddenly you realize you reached into this person's life and robbed them of their love for you and because you found that what you had with your husband was better than any of the affairs (or maybe you didn't, again I haven't read the post completely) you want it back and you want him to recover and respect you. I get the whole grace thing, believe me I've struggled with this. I'm a believer, but it all flies out the window when you've given your heart, body and emotions to this person who carelessly walked all over them twice. You always feel second and you always ask yourself "why should I throw pearls before swine?" When you've given your best and instead the wayward spouse, who formerly was not, decides to pursue their own selfish desires and then ultimately wants you back, wants to restore the marriage, and wants you, the betrayed spouse, to love them. It seems crazy right? I wish everyday that I had more of a heart like Jesus and that I could return to the amazing love we once had and feel what I once felt, but something changes inside after your spouse cheats on you. The armour of safety goes up, the walls are built high, and the boundaries are very wide.

I'm not sure what happened between you and your husband after your first affair but it sounds like he was able to trust you and extended his hand to move forward with you. What he received in return was another hand slapping.

I have said many hurtful things to my husband and been very hurtful in my actions towards him. It's not because I want to be hurtful but because the pain of what has happened is so deep that I'm almost incapable of operating civilly. This isn't who I am or have ever been, but anger does very strange things to a person. I've never been an angry person or really harbored any anger until this occurred. The amount of anger I feel is so overwhelming that I don't believe there are enough modalities available to me to express them in a healthy way.

I also understand what your husband says about "you get to experience" all the benefits of the recovery and that you don't seem remorseful. I have struggled with this as well. My WH tore my life apart at every level and yet I see him walking around with a big smile on his face, happy, enjoying life. And, I walk around feeling like the abused dog-whincing, reacting to triggers, trying to survive daily from what happened even though it was five years ago.

I'm sorry you made the choices you did because I know that even if you are walking around like my husband seemingly appearing happy on the outside you also hurt on the inside over what you did. I will tell you it is very difficult for me to see my WH exhibit what appears to be shear joy at just living because my joy when around him is completely void. Joy only comes to me when I am away from him and I don't have to see or feel what I have experienced with him.

Lastly, the discovery of your most recent affair seems to be rather new if I'm reading this correctly-August 2013. This is only December. Expecting him to respond to you positively does not seem to exhibit true patience and love for him. My WH husband used to say things to me like "I've been being nice to you for six weeks and I see no change." What do you expect...you've ripped my life apart it's just not that easy to pick yourself up and turn to the wayward spouse and say "that's okay honey, I know you really love me and would rather be with me and everything will return to normal." His impatience with me has probably caused more setbacks and damage and continued to hurt me. Remember he didn't ask you to cheat on him, so you are probably out of line asking him to respond positively to any of your efforts in the game. He maybe can't even wrap his mind around the fact that you cheated a second time.

I hope I have not offended you, but rather shed some light on what it is like to be the betrayed spouse and the true hell of living through being betrayed. I know we are all vulnerable to temptation, but I hope that our honor is greater than the temptation and our care for others is greater than ourselves.

BW
Married 2009
D-Day August 2009

KQ2, there is no end of information from betrayed spouses on this forum who are willing to tell this poster about the pain of betrayal.

I have read your two threads, and I am sorry for what your H did and the effects on you. I have suffered similar effects through a 3.5-year recurring PA and a lingering 5-year long distance EA, and I do know what resentment feels like.

The problem is that if both spouses want to rebuild the marriage, then they need to follow the MB programme fully - not just "many of the steps in marriage builders" as you write.

Both spouses in this marriage have had personal advice from Dr Harley via the radio show, and their best hope for recovery is to follow it to the letter. Your post, with its expression of irritation, offers nothing to help them stay on the MB path.

I note that in your case, your H had a sexual relationship with an old girlfriend throughout your dating period, and she had an abortion during that time. You would not have married him had you known that. When you came here, every single person urged you to consider leaving your H, having found out about the relationship four months into your marriage, but you haven't done so three years later, it seems. That is your choice to make, but if you are still feeling destroyed by that affair, this is proof that the course of action you have been taking is not correct or sufficient for recovery. What are your plans for the future?

My advice to you is to contact Dr H directly at the radio show for advice as this couple has done, then follow that advice.

ydn, I noticed your husband has posted a time or two but we haven't had any updates from either of you. How are things going?

Hi Marriage Builders -

Quick update - DH and I are still together. I feel that we are making progress toward recovery. I have issues which I am still working on with my own counselor. DH also has his own counselor who he is working with. But I would have to say, for the most part, we genuinely enjoy our time together and have a lot of things we are looking forward to. The reason I am posting today is that I have a couple of questions.

This month will mark the one year date since I stupidly went home with OM. I know this is going to be rough. And I have been racking my brain trying to think of how best to deal. I certainly don't want to give the date any more importance or significance in our lives. But at the same time I feel that to ignore it would also be disrespectful to my husband. What have other people done to ease the passage of that awful one year date? ( I refuse to call it an anniversary...)

Thanks for your comments.

I would ignore it and never bring it up again. Dr. Harley is very clear that the affair should not be brought up again. All that does is bring the unpleasantness of the past into the present.

Glad to hear you are doing well! Thanks for the update!

we sat down and said let's not let that day take anymore from us and plan something we like doing together and enjoying each other�� we have worked hard at taking back the losses and making some great memories to replace any negative thinking.
My WH said he wanted to end the affair in every way��.he texted all day about the plans we had, he got all dressed up and made me feel so special��ended the night in each other's arms, all I thought about was him and his effort for me���
Just keep doing everything right even when it's tough just don't let the affair take anything ��
It's all about the effort you make what history and memories you will have take control and have the best life you can have for both of you���you won't regret any of it��.

Yes, ignore it! Bringing up the affair at this point would be detrimental to your recovery. Put it in the past and leave it there. Concentrate your efforts on good quality UA time