My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 4 years. We dated for 3 years and then he lost his job as an over-the-road truck driver...he was terminated because he damaged another driver's truck for cutting in front of him at a fuel line. He moved in with me after he lost his job.

He had a difficult time finding work and was on unemployment for 1.5 years with me paying most of the bills. Then he had no income for a year, then he worked part time for a year, and he just started receiving Social Security for a disability involving his heart in September. During all this time, I continued to pay all of the bills, pay for his cigarettes, and almost anything else that he wanted. You should know that this money that I had came from insurance money from when my deceased first husband died, social security that I was receiving for myself and my children, and my work salary.

During this time, I have tried to do everything that my husband said would make him happy to the point of alienating my children and friends. We have had arguments in regards to belittling comments that he has made to me and my children...He is always right and I am always wrong, he calls the kids fat and lazy, he says that they will never amount to anything and will probably wind up on the street. Three of my kids have graduated college and live on their own, my next to youngest will be graduating college this fall, and my youngest son will be starting college in the fall.

I acknowledge and accept that I have been responsible for some of our problems. I have not respected him in the way that he wants to be respected. He wants to have final say when he wants to have final say...unfortunately I don't always know when that is. He gets angry at times if I do not agree with him so sometimes I will just to avoid an argument.

He has not always been like this, he used to be one of the most gentle, romantic, charming men that anybody would want to meet. He changed though and I am not sure if I caused that change or if it was an act. He has said that he used that persona to get women in the past.

I love him so much and do not want to lose him. I am also extremely hurt. I feel like he used me until all of my money was gone and then when he started getting money and is in a position to help me, he is bailing on me. He says that he has been miserable for years because of my kids, but my youngest is leaving for college in three months and spends most of his time in his room now.

He said he cannot continue to live in my home because the kids will always think of that as their dad's house. I suggested selling the house and us getting another house for me and him here in Indiana for the next 4 years. (The reason I suggested staying here for 4 years is that I will be eligible to retire then and my youngest son will be out of college).

We live in Indiana and he is moving to Texas. He says he wants to be close to his family there and that I can come there to live. I want to be with him even in Texas but I am 56 and concerned about job prospects. I would also need to sell my home. He wants to leave in 3 days.

When he started getting his Social Security he started making plans to move out without ever even giving me a clue. He had been looking for a place here in Indiana and the only way I found out was because he went over our cell phone minutes and I received a text alert.

I am so distraught over all of this, he had a stroke 1.5 years ago and open heart surgery last year. He was not allowed to drive or anything for several months following the stroke because of the damage to his brain. He has changed so much. He has made a couple of subtle threats about shooting my two youngest sons...he has since removed his gun from the house. He has become hateful towards me and said that I am keeping him from being independent and that he feels like he lives in a box. He also gave away almost every car part and tool that we had in the garage while I was at work about a month ago (tools that belonged to my deceased husband)to a friend of his. He then became outraged at me when I said I would file a police report if the stuff was not returned. He said he could no longer live with me since I said I would call the police.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I am breaking apart inside. Please help.

You are describing a man who has not suddenly changed and become a hateful person. You are describing a man who has slowly tricked you into believing all of this is relatively normal.

He has talked about killing your sons for heavens sake! What do you need this man for? Unless and untill a professional psychologist or psychiatrist garantees you he is not dangerous you should have nothing to do with him for your sake and for the sake of your family.

Went over his text limit? And he said he was texting looking for apartments?

Have you snooped to confirm it's not another woman?

What do your kids and family think of him?

reheadedlady so sorry to hear that you are going through this, but welcome to Marriage Builders.

This is a good article that may help you understand what is happening and also give you some good insights on where you may want to focus.

His Love Bank account may not be high enough for you to get him back but the concepts in Surviving An Affair may give you a chance. I would learn how to speed read or get it in audible.

From what you a describing it does sound like he is having an affair and if you can verify that, then you have a chance of saving your marriage as long as you still want to after finding that out.

As far as the move in 3 day, I would not move at all because of all the disadvantages to you but also because it is not following The Policy of Joint Agreement. As a ministry leader and the man in my family I can not see how I could follow the Bible an follow The Policy of Joint Agreement.

Please keep communicating with us, even though you haven't read all Marriage Builders information we have and can help as long as you give us the information we need to help.

The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) is the cornerstone of Dr. Harley's marital program. It states: Never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between your spouse and yourself.

The exception to the POJA is when health or safety is threatened.

Since your husband has threatened to shoot your sons, I think Dr. Harley would encourage you to separate from him and remain separated until he was safe to be around.

Please read what you wrote and ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person...

I have snooped and there is no other woman. He has not called, texted, or made contact with any other woman. He has medical problems that make only oral sex possible. I am a more than willing sex partner but he will only shower once a month. When I ask him to shower, he says that I am making demands on him.

I have 7 children (all over 18 now), some of them hate him and the rest tolerate him for my sake. I need to take responsibility for part of how they feel towards him though. I told them too much of our personal business whenever I was upset about anything. I also tended to side with my kids against him when I thought he was being unfair and too strict.

He did remove his gun from the house at my request after making the threat. We had been going to counseling at my request but we are no longer going. I have also talked to his neurologist in his presence and told her everything that was going on, even the threats. She ordered an EEG, which he did have done but he has not bothered to check on the results. I am in individual counseling. Our marriage counselor and the neurologist suggested to him that he might benefit from counseling himself. He does not believe that he has any problems other than me and the kids. He says that if I would focus on him more and the kids less that we would not be having the problems that we have. He says that I say I will change but then I don't, but he keeps changing what he wants me to do. Example: I was helping put tools away the other evening, he got angry and said that I didn't need to put them all away. In the past, he has gotten angry because I didn't help. Most of the time I am so unsure about what will upset him.

I want to do what I can to make him happier with me. I want him to stay with me. My kids keep telling me that he is taking advantage of me.

rhl, welcome to Marriage Builders. Your kids are right that he is taking advantage of you. He has not contributed to your marriage in any significant way and seems to be along for a free ride. He is just there to GET things until he gets bored. Dr. Harley would call him a freeloader:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Your children have objectivity. When you gave them honest information, they were appalled. They wouldn't be if you were married to a good man you didn't need to be so secretive about.

If YOU thought he was being unfair and strict, then those are your feelings which must be taken into account. If you don't have a partner who doesn't do this then you don't have a partner.

You've been very seriously gas lighted. Every time he has hurt you you have been made to feel it is your fault for feeling upset. Do read our thread on gas lighting.

I know you have invested a lot in this guy, but don't throw good time and money after bad. You will be very sad for a while, but once the gas lighting wears off you will feel free.

He was a guy who shacked up with you so he could be careless at work and have you pick up the tab. He is just a freeloader who cannot keep up the charm act very long.

By agreeing to this he's seen you as a soft mark.

A poster whose husband was moving away in similar circumstances wrote to Dr H and he said the man was a freeloading walk away husband. He cautioned her not to follow him.

He said: "I would never leave Joyce or make the decision for her about where we live. He is testing to see if you are obedient. If you follow, he will see you as a wife who can be controlled"



He keeps you walking on eggshells to keep you compliant and controlled. You are gas lighted into thinking you need to do better all the time.

You haven't been happily in love for ages have you? You've been unhappily in love with an old mirage of charm.

Do you want to grow old with a bullying man who shows you no care?

My hope is that this man may become the man I fell in love with again. I keep thinking that some of the issues are related to the stroke he had 1.5 years ago. I have always felt that unless there was physical abuse in the home that everything could be worked out and that you don't walk away from a marriage.

I was married to my deceased husband for 26 years, we had a wonderful marriage. Our kids do not remember me and their dad ever arguing...they remember jokes, fun times, etc. We did argue from time to time, just not very often.

Is there anybody that believes this marriage is worth saving besides me?

I believe in saving it as long as he is willing to make a lot of changes. Was your first marriage a happy marriage?

My first marriage was great. We had problems from time to time but we always managed to work through them. We had a 16 year old son who died in a car accident and we came close to splitting up during that time of intense grief but we managed to come together. My husband passed away in 2005 after a two year fight with colon cancer. It was extremely hard on me and the kids.

My kids do not want me to move to Texas. They want me to stay in Indiana. One of my daughters lives in Florida, my other daughter lives in Ohio. Two of my sons live a hundred miles south of me. I also have 2 teenage grandchildren, a 2 year old grandson, and I am expecting another grandson at the end of the month.

I could understand their feelings better if they were here more often but they aren't. I have tried to be supportive of their decisions in where they live and even who they choose to have as their significant other (and I have not always cared for their significant others).

BUT, hope is not a plan, nor can you force someone to change to accommodate your will. Go ask him if he wants to be that man. I suspect he will say no.


RHL, but what makes you think he is willing to change? From what you have told us here, he wants to walk away. Dr Harley describes such marriages as such:


So far, your marriage has not been a place of mutual need meeting, it has been a relationship of extreme giving coupled with extreme taking.


Probably not. There is nothing here to save.

This could work if he makes radical, dramatic changes. Why not go ask him if he will. His answer will tell you if there is any future here with you.

He has said in couples counseling that he misses the way things used to be between us. He has also said that he wants me to go to Texas with him. My thing is that I want to wait until I am able to retire in 3.5 years, I am concerned about trying to find a job in another state at my age. I also want to wait until my youngest son is either graduated from college or at least settled into an apartment.

Melody,

He will ask me what kind of radical changes and I am unsure what to say. Can you help me with that?

1. no more fights
2. attend anger management classes
3. get a job and start paying bills with you
4. never criticize your kids again
5. retrieve all of the tools he gave away
6. take a shower every day and develop basic human cleanliness
7. treat you with love and respect at all times
8. go through the Marriage Builders program with you

Unless he will do those things, there is nothing here to save. Your future will be one of misery and loneliness when your kids are alienated.

And you should not even consider leaving your job and going to Texas with him. You shouldn't sacrifice your financial security at this late age for a crumbling marriage. Don't lose everything. Don't sacrifice your financial security and your kids for a freeloader.