Exposure kills the affair/speeds up the death and also holds the WS accountable for their actions. Your waffling out of fear and that never solves anything just makes it worse. Hope you follow the advice you will be getting on Wednesday.

Good, I will be listening.

I didn't hear a live show on this Wed (5-07). Were you on another day?

We moved it to next Wednesday (5/14) to give my H more time to respond. Please pray that he does follow through...I have given him all the info--email correspondence between Joyce and me, radio clips from the first time I was on and I had him listen to Joyce's voice mail asking him to be on the show or email them. He has been extremely busy with work and travel--do you think I should keep reminding him to do it ? I don't want to nag.

But you don't do it vindictively. You make it clear you are trying to salvage your marriage and are seeking support.

Affairs are a serious addiction fed on the oxygen of secrecy. Just as you would have an intervention for an alcoholic, you must get the support of everyone.



If you need to 'remind' him, that would suggest he has forgotten about the biggest crisis in his life right now. I doubt he has.

I would say once and once only that you expect him to take this seriously and give it his all if he expects you to stay in the marriage.

The best way to avoid nagging is to state your case, state the consequences and stick to the action you promised if they do not carry through.

Nagging results when we avoid taking our own actions and try to control those of others. Which is impossible.

Is anyone able to post a link to yesterday's show for me?

You were on my list, sorry I'm late I'm on a crazy schedule. Here it is.
Radio Clip of LolaLove's Show

Thank you BH! My H listened to it once but I want to listen to it with him and talk about it.

I thought the exposure discussion was very interesting.

You're welcome.

What are you going to do?

I honestly don't know. I don't feel like we are in crisis right now so it's easy to "do nothing" about the past affair issues.

I don't feel like I need the emotional support of others and there are very few people I would trust with the information (it would only become fodder for gossip in my workplace )

For now I am going to work on the things that I discussed with the Harleys (recreational companionship and conversation) and see where that takes us.

Are you able to get the 15 hours of UA time in?

Struggling with that too. Idk..I'm feeling like I may have to settle for a "just OK" marriage. I'm tired of being the only one that puts in any effort. We will probably go along like this until he cheats again...that's how I feel today.

Unfortunately marriages typically don't stay "just OK." Trying to accept "just OK" is usually devastating to a wife. She really does need to have her emotional needs met. In Dr. Harley's experience, it is worth it for a wife to tell her husband that if he wants to stay with her, he will have to arrange his lifestyle so that he is meeting her emotional needs. If he indicates that he doesn't care and tries to talk her out of it and make excuses and propose that he shouldn't have to do that and that she should be happy anyway, it is usually best to plan for a separation. This sometimes wakes some men up. And if it doesn't, she is usually better off on her own than dying a slow emotional and physical death in her marriage. Yes, a bad marriage really is physically damaging to many women.

There are only two ways to go: up or down. Don't hang around here for years in a mediocre marriage - eventually you will be here letting us know that now you can't do anything about it, or you are facing hospitalization, or suffering as he has another affair. Good marriages are usually the marriages where a wife insists that there is either going to be a good marriage, or NO marriage. It is important for her own welfare that she do so.

Thanks, Markos. Yesterday he did agree to do the EN questionnaire so that is a start.

Good.

Are you signed up for the online program?

No...that is what i was originally asking for advice about...how to encourage him to do the online pogram.

He's open to filling out the questionnaires, and so that's a good sign. Does he know about the online program yet?

He does know about the online program but he says he "doesn't know why why we need a program". My response was that I've been telling him for 3 years that I need more from him and it hasn't happened. He is afraid that he will resent "being forced to do it."

I feel like he is starting to pick up little pieces of Dr Harley's plan, but he just doesn't quite get it. Like last night he told me that he would be staying out 2 evenings this week for work. I said, " you're not supposed to just tell me, you're supposed to be sure its ok with me." His reply was "I have to ask permission to go to a work event?" That upset me so I just stopped talking to him.

He either gets with the program or he loses you.
If he keeps dragging his feet on this you're not going to make it.

Starting a program of recovery to build a romantic marriage is part of Just Compensation. You need it, or your marriage is just going to limp along as a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

The questionnaire on its own won't accomplish much - our boards are littered with people who've filled them out and never gone any further. What I'd really be interested in seeing is - will he commit to following the Policy of Undivided Attention, and following Dr. Harley's procedures for eliminating love busters? If so, there's a good chance here - if not, I would prepare for a separation.