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OP
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Joined: May 2014
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Hello
MY wife has recently told be that she loves me but not in love with me, We been married for 11 years but together for 15, Im still head over heals with her.We been very in love of years it just been that last 6 months that she started to feel this way. she says she is not ready to try to work on us and says she has to figure out herself. I keep telling that its a us issue not a her issue. what to do
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Joined: Nov 2011
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Sheepdog, you have a great user name.
Your wife is likely having an affair. Do you have any ideas who she may be having the affair with?
At this point, you should:
(1) Read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley (it will help you understand how affairs operate)
(2) SNOOP! Place a GPS on her car, check emails, Facebook messages, phone logs etc.
(3) Hire a PI...ask him to determine if your wife is having an affair and with whom.
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OP
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There is no time for that she is either with her female best friend or at work by herself. I know there is no affair
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There is no time for that she is either with her female best friend or at work by herself. I know there is no affair How do you know there is no affair? The fact that she says she "loves you but is not in love with you" means she has a new point of comparison. Unless you are with her 24/7, she does have time to have an affair. Even the dumbest wayward can hide an affair at work and never even be late for dinner!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MY wife has recently told be that she loves me but not in love with me
There is no time for that she is either with her female best friend or at work by herself. I know there is no affair You could find any number of posters here who were told the same thing, only to find their spouse having an affair - personal experience included. Snoop. Today. If you have a joint phone account, check the logs online. Get her passwords for E-mail, Facebook, etc, and check all correspondence. Can you be 100% certain that she is alone all day at work? How?
Taking some time off.
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There is no time for that she is either with her female best friend or at work by herself. I know there is no affair Can you just pick up her phone and look through it or does she have it locked?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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OP
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OK my wife as recently got a job that is very stressful where she is working 50 to 60 hr a week in a locked courthouse where no one else is allowed after hours, also her best friend that she spends all her time with is going thru a divorce. Ive let her and her best friend go out almost every weekend for the last few months thinking that she is stressed and her friend needs her there. Well ive reallized that now we started to grow apart. I know now that i should have said something a while ago. What can be done to fix this. She just keeps saying that she needs to figure herself but also doesnt want to mess up our 2 kids 9 and 6 Im willing to do what ever.
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Have you checked her phone?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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OK my wife as recently got a job that is very stressful where she is working 50 to 60 hr a week in a locked courthouse where no one else is allowed after hours, also her best friend that she spends all her time with is going thru a divorce. Ive let her and her best friend go out almost every weekend for the last few months thinking that she is stressed and her friend needs her there. Well ive reallized that now we started to grow apart. I know now that i should have said something a while ago. What can be done to fix this. She just keeps saying that she needs to figure herself but also doesnt want to mess up our 2 kids 9 and 6 Im willing to do what ever. If you want to save your marriage you need to start QUIETLY snooping because she is having an affair. We can't help you unless you investigate and find out the FACTS. Find out the FACTS and come back here. We will help you with next steps. You are in denial, Sir. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Don't ask her if she is having an affair. Quietly investigate and find out on your own.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sheepdog, I'm sorry to hear you going through this. Being in love and not being in love is not a switch. It takes a lot of time or something major happening, like an affair.
I know a few women that had a few affair while working a lot of hours. I have a hard time believing that your wife is isolated from the world for 50 to 60hrs. She may be part of a team that is isolated from the world, but she would go crazy and when she saw you she would be so excited to connect with someone.
You need to snoop and find out who, and don't fail to consider her girlfriend. The sooner you find the affair the more likely you will have a chance to save your marriage.
Until then don't doing any love busted.
Me 40M
Wife 43F
3 kids 9M, 5M, 1F
Together 15 yrs, Married 10 yrs, live together most of our dating life. Did not live together our year of our engagement. Working hard to fall more in love with my wife.
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Don't assume AP could only be male.
You said she has no opportunity for an affair but she is going out every weekend?
Could you drive by work after hours and check if she's really there?
It certainly sounds like she is commiserating in far too much anti-marriage + possibly anti-man navel gazing. That can make her more vulnerable to rationalizing letting her boundaries slip.
Why don't you get a sitter and invite your w on some fun dates that happen to occur on her regular nights out? See if this causes a flurry of excuses that don't make sense. Put on a charm offensive (see plan A)
Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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At a minimum, your wife is getting her need for intimate conversation met by her girlfriend. That is an element of an emotional affair.
Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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1. "she is working 50 to 60 hr a week in a locked courthouse"
2. "Ive let her and her best friend go out almost every weekend"
Right there are some great opportunities to have an affair. People have affairs at work all the time. There are thousands of such cases over on the Surviving an Affair forum. And obviously, she can meet an affair partner when she goes out on the weekend.
The opportunities to have an affair in her case are so obvious and glaring that they would bite you if it was a snake!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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At a minimum, your wife is getting her need for intimate conversation met by her girlfriend. That is an element of an emotional affair. That would define a "friendship" and this is not a friendship. Whatever is going on is an affair. And it probably is not with this woman. She has plenty of opportunity to meet up with a man. An affair is a romantic relationship. This woman is in love with someone else.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you know for a fact that the 50 - 60 hours in the locked courthouse is real? It sounds like the perfect cover for an affair. With call forwarding, any dummy can make it look like they are in a locked building when they are really somewhere else.
I would check with the courthouse security and verify this.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I guess that melodylane is right and she is getting her emotional needs met by her friend and not me. so how do i tell her to stop seeing her best friend? she needs someone other than me to talk to right now.
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Whatever is going on is an affair. And it probably is not with this woman. She has plenty of opportunity to meet up with a man. An affair is a romantic relationship.
This woman is in love with someone else. MelodyLane probably is right Sheepdog. The best thing you can do right now is listen very carefully and do exactly what she tells you to do. I know you don't want to think the worst could happen, but do you realize that if your marriage is in fact not touched by infidelity, you are in the minority? Dr Harley estimates about 60% of all marriages have infidelity at some point. Those kind of odds combined with "I love you but I'm not in love with you" make an affair VERY likely in your case.
Last edited by FightTheFight; 05/14/14 08:46 AM.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
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The very first step for you is to quietly snoop and find out exactly what's going on. Keep any evidence you find in a safe place. Don't ask her anything about an affair, because waywards mostly ALL lie about any involvements with another person.
While you are snooping, why not set up a date for you and your wife this weekend and one even sooner, if possible. Just have a fun time. Don't talk relationship. Make sure you eliminate all your love busters. Meet any ENs she will allow. The important ones for most women are affection and intimate conversation. Make sure you look good and smell good.
ETA: and keep this forum secret for now. You don't want her to know your strategy right now.
Last edited by LongWayFromHome; 05/14/14 08:46 AM.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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