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You are about to make a MAJOR MISTAKE if you plan on inviting him back into the home.
You reference what Dr. Harley recommended and I dont think he would advise you to do this at this time.
When you enter Plan B, there is no contact until the affair is ended and he is willing to never see or speak to her again.
If you think you are an emotional wreck now...wait until you have an active adulterer living with you.
I dont know how his presence could help your daughter in the least Dr Harley advised plan a only for short-term, before i move to CA as long-term plan, since he thinks it would take WH quite a while to figure out family will be his better option. my thinking is based on the assumption that he did terminated relationship with OW, and DD's situation might give him a big dose of reality, how his A is affecting his own kids. Then he would be willing to commit to the family, and DD would benefit from that while seeking professional help. If NOT, i'm just doing plan A, no LB, just show him kids and me could be a better option, which might save us the permanent divorce in the future. i was afraid that i didn't do a proper plan a and lots of LBs, coz directly to plan b usu. dont work out.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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I'm very sorry to say that waywards don't care how much their affair is hurting anyone. They don't care how much it hurts the betrayed spouse. They don't care about the devastating effects on the children. All they care about it is the affair.
Even IF your H did end his affair, he hasn't returned to you on bended knee agreeing to the conditions of recovery, has he?
If not, you're better off in Plan B until such time as he agrees to a plan of recovery with you.
It's really shocking when you understand how the adulterer will justify all the hurt and devastation. Your husband is operating totally on emotion, no logic.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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My wayward wife heard about problems our son was having in school and said he will be just fine and i was over reacting to the reports from the school counselor.
They compartmentalize any problems that occur due to their behavior to rationalize that what they are doing is still the right thing, according to them and their new infidelity supportive friends.
LTL
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I'm very sorry to say that waywards don't care how much their affair is hurting anyone. They don't care how much it hurts the betrayed spouse. They don't care about the devastating effects on the children. All they care about it is the affair.
Even IF your H did end his affair, he hasn't returned to you on bended knee agreeing to the conditions of recovery, has he?
If not, you're better off in Plan B until such time as he agrees to a plan of recovery with you.
It's really shocking when you understand how the adulterer will justify all the hurt and devastation. Your husband is operating totally on emotion, no logic. Thank you, LongWayFromHome. He has NOT agreed to commit to our M. Looks like again, it is my wishful thinking that he ended the A and the fog should begin to lift, and he could think what's best for kids. I don't know when I could stop having expectations.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Posts: 227 |
My wayward wife heard about problems our son was having in school and said he will be just fine and i was over reacting to the reports from the school counselor.
They compartmentalize any problems that occur due to their behavior to rationalize that what they are doing is still the right thing, according to them and their new infidelity supportive friends.
LTL Thanks LTL. I guess my WH could conveniently blame me being impatient or not nice to our kids. when can he ever get out of this ridiculous state of mind? now i'm prepared for another disappointment.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Posts: 227 |
Could the vets here direct me to a few cases like mine, very fogged WH, never remorseful, unwilling to work on M? I'd like to learn a bit more about the time frame, how to react, what to expect. Thanks a lot!
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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You are still in HI?  Sorry to read about DD but I would not let WH back in the house. I would get to CA ASAP. DD may do better there as well...you see how nasty your WH can be. If you left and he filed D, he still has to serve you. You can avoid being served and file for separation in CA. It's been two months since you spoke of going to CA. You don't need to Plan A WH. He doesn't care and will use your children to punish you.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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You are still in HI? Sorry to read about DD but I would not let WH back in the house. I would get to CA ASAP. DD may do better there as well...you see how nasty your WH can be. If you left and he filed D, he still has to serve you. You can avoid being served and file for separation in CA. It's been two months since you spoke of going to CA. You don't need to Plan A WH. He doesn't care and will use your children to punish you. I'm looking for a job in CA. Without a job, I can't support myself and 2 kids, and the living expenses there are very high. I think WH would not agree we move over there without a job. And with 2 kids, i can't really live with a friend, which will cause too much trouble for them. I don't have any relatives in the states.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Have you tried using a recruiter or placement agency?
You don't have to support your children single handly, xp. A CA court can order support and require that your WH's employer to withhold support from his payck. You do not need his permission to leave either...this was discussed long ago when you were worried about shipping your household goods and vehicle there. Yes it would be ideal if you had a job lined up, but look at where you are today. Moving is never going to be easy.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I fear if you stay there much longer, you will be stuck because D will be filed, you will have no support system, a MIL who is untrustworthy, and are being made out to be a crazy, unfit, psycho mom.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Thanks, black_raven. My line of work doesn't work very effectively with a recruiter or placement agency. I asked many of my friends in the same field to refer me, which i think might have a better chance.
So if i move to CA without a job, i use our savings to pay the rent and living expenses. I need to find a preschool for my DD. She's 4, and need to learn stuff and social with kids, so she can't just stay with me at home. Then that's the daycare expense. All together could be one person's paycheck. WH needs to pay for his side of life here too. I'll look for jobs at the same time. but what if i can't find one in 6 months, or a year? with the A, separation, relocation, and taking care of kids by myself, now the financial stress... i don't know how I can survive.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Take a look to see what you may be eligible for...there is a program specifically for 4 yr old pre-schoolers: http://bayareafamilychildcare.com/provider-directory/http://www.sfhsa.org/ChildCare.htmYou are not just limited to one area or one state...or one line of work. We can "what if" your situation to death so "what if" you stay???? And I don't care about your WH paying for his side of life there. He isn't worried about yours.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Thank you so much, black_raven. I looked at the 4 yr old preschool program, and it's in the SF city specifically. But I'll look for jobs in the city too. my support system is in one area though, otherwise i should just stay here do a dark plan b. what if i stay and he files...... i'll move before August.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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That link is for SF specifically but each city/county should have some equivalent since it is a state sponsored program. http://www.cde.ca.gov/sp/cd/op/cdprograms.aspOne more: http://www.chs-ca.org/for-parents/And you're welcome.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posts: 11,239
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Could the vets here direct me to a few cases like mine, very fogged WH, never remorseful, unwilling to work on M? I'd like to learn a bit more about the time frame, how to react, what to expect. Thanks a lot! Sometimes they dont end. My wife started her affair in 2011 and they are still living together! I have custody of our kids and am divorced. I've lived with an active wayward and after a mere 2 or 3 months, I was physically and emotionally beat. I wouldnt wish that on anyone
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Thanks again, black_raven and Jedi.
Just as expected, teacher told me WH was trying to relate DD's issue to what happened at home, and agreed that DD might need counseling. The teachers were trying to focus on DD, and didn't get too much into our relationship issue. But the teacher's impression is he just wants to move forward. The well-being of the kids are nothing to him compared to his own happiness.
made appointment for DD for counseling.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Posts: 227
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Posts: 227 |
self-care: went to 24 fitness, did some yoga. it's only the second time i tried yoga  . Also tried 20mins of zumba. have been losing weight, which is great. i haven't taken good care of myself for a long time. esp. physical attractiveness might be a top EN form many men.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Hi just a question..
Are you in Plan B, but your WS still lives with you?
H51 WS53
S21,S15
DD3 2/12/14
WS moved home 4/17/14
Began sharing bed 5/3/14
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Hi just a question..
Are you in Plan B, but your WS still lives with you? plan b. i live with my mil, since i have a 4yr old and 6month old to take care of, and work full time. WH lives in his office for now. Sora, cheer up, at least, you are in better position than me
Last edited by xpbrain1; 05/16/14 04:06 PM.
Me: BW, 36; WH: 37
Married 14 years
DD: 4yr, DS: 8 month
DD: 11/24/2013
Plan A (not properly done) since DD. Exposure to OW's friend and work on 03/25/2014. Lots of LBs.
Plan B (w/ MIL lives w/ me): started 4/4/2014. Exposed WH to most of our friends in early 05/2014.
Plan A before moving to CA as suggested by Dr Harley started 6/8/14.
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Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
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self-care: went to 24 fitness, did some yoga. it's only the second time i tried yoga . Also tried 20mins of zumba. have been losing weight, which is great. i haven't taken good care of myself for a long time. esp. physical attractiveness might be a top EN form many men. Way to go xpbrain1!!!! Now this is the way to be a Plan B queen!!! How are you feeling? Sleeping?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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