Too late to edit but I read this wrong...

WH should not spend his time with the children in your apartment...not because it's hard in him emotionally but because it is unhealthy for you and the kids. "Playing house" will cause more problems.

Wow, Wow, Wow. Ok, I hear everyone loud and clear. I have an appointment with Steve Harley on Monday and will get an executable plan in action.

Trouble is I'm not sure if I want to work it out with him. But by the above posts I get that Plan C is still not the answer.

To answer many of the questions (and not still feeling Plan C is option- just explaining)
1) I wasn't really wanting to have an "open marriage" I'd never have a man come to the house, etc. And WS is flinging in Utah. I was considering, however, moving forward, and going out on dates occasionally, within the Monday through Thursday timeframe, when kids were asleep.
2) My husband swears up and down the affair is over but still in a place that he doesn't know what he wants. (I know, I know, he may indeed still be having affair, but, I feel that he can use that against me if I say something like "Daddy has a girlfriend." because he will say he doesn't anymore, blah blah. But, the answer to this would indeed getting a PI. I just don't have the funds right now. Will try to make that a priority for sure. *But then again, since we are 'taking a break' he has every right to continue to fling right? So, I need to get a plan of action from Steve for sure.
3) I am getting that Plan C isn't an option it should be B or D. I do however have to live in C until May 31st because that is when our lease is up and I want to make sure he extends the lease (it's too pricey to do on my own) as well as my car lease. I will be as nice and loving as possible until those are taken care of. and then. decision.

The biggest obstacle is a place for husband to stay with the kids. Hotel would be too pricey and finding "a place to crash" would be so lame for the kids. But I guess that is his deal to figure out. If I do indeed plan to try plan B, I was thinking that he would pick up the kids at 5 on friday and have them back by 6 on saturday night. (in true Plan B fashion- no contact, and a middle person for the exchange.) He might want more, (like taking son to school friday morning, etc)but since the most common scenario is every other weekend I thought half of every weekend would be a good alternative. (and quite honestly I couldn't imagine being away from my kids for more than a night right now- my youngest is one and they are my life.)
Does that sound about right?

Thank you MB'rs I am listening now.

SFL you are still married. You are not free to date no matter what your H is doing.

"Taking a break" means still married. He has no right to continue to fling.

If that is not an open marriage then what would you call it? Because there is a boundary of no man at the house, that makes a difference?





Not really...

Where does your immediate family live?

That's great! A little adultery in an open marriage never harmed anyone, did it? I think that is just a great moral example to set for kids. Teach them early that a little adultery is a great thing. Give them an "open mind!"


We can give you the plan of action from a Marriage Builders perspective but you have ignored our advice. That plan is to do what we have advised and get the facts about your husbands affair and exposing the affair to your children. We don't care if your husband denies his affair to the kids. That is no excuse for you to lie to your kids about the source of tension in your home.


That is not your problem. I believe he is probably a grown up man and can figure it out.

Part of the purpose of exposing to your children is so that they can LEARN about infidelity, the consequences of it (destroying family/marriage) and most importantly that it is WRONG.

You want to model MORE bad behavior for them?? This is a perfect opportunity for you to teach about right vs wrong.

My exWH waywardness comes from his mother - his sister also had an affair that broke up her first marriage. She (their wayward mother) had an affair while they were growing up and their stepfather said NOTHING. He didn't expose her and didn't explain to the kids that it is WRONG. She modeled the very wayward idea that hurting others so long as it is in the pursuit of your own personal happiness is OK.

Do you want your children to grow up having learned the same lessons?

I would not bother getting counseling with Steve and save your $$ for the PI. You will be wasting your money.

You can get FREE help from Dr Harley on the radio show if you feel you more guidance.

We could care less about what your H "swears". He hasn't admitted anything with OW1 and we already know there is an ACTIVE affair here. Deny, gaslight and distract is the MO of an active wayward. As was pointed out earlier in the thread, until you see the evidence with your own two eyes I think you will remain in denial about this.

Have you called any PIs? How many have you called and what kind of quotes have they given you? How much of that can you afford?

You realize that if you do not fight this affair that this skank could very well end up around your children? Possible even playing a role in raising them, should the affair continue and your M end?

Wasting my money? I already paid for the 5 session package. And a PI would be much much more than that. Trying to make it work though.

I think that Steve is a great counselor, but you don't need his advice right now. You need him AFTER you get the evidence and expose the affair. That is when his help will be invaluable. For now, your entire focus should be on getting the facts of the affair and exposing it. That applies whether or not you want to remain married.

And most of all, don't have an affair yourself.

This was my H's parents too. His mother never exposed the affairs of his father. My H also thought it was totally normal for married people to spend a lot of time apart. They thought they did such a great job fooling everyone with a sham marriage 'for the kids' but you only had to look at them to see they were not in love.

All they did 'for the kids' was teach my H how to become an adulterer himself one day.

You are a married woman. Divorce him and date after healing from this by all means, but you are not free to keep him on as a husband and get action on the side.

Adultery that you keep a secret from your son is still adultery!

Besides, it would involve very scummy men. Nice men don't date married women but vultures who pretend they understand your pain will be everywhere.

You are far too shell shocked to make such huge and damaging decisions. It's clear you haven't really thought this through. Just weeks ago you were one of those people who thought affairs happened to other people, usually on Jerry Springer.

We've been there too.

We know how shell shocked you are and how tempting it is to just dive your head in the sand, tell no one, do nothing. Get comfort from other men.

Please don't!

I'm not sure where you get this idea he is allowed girlfriends when 'taking a break'. Your son won't think so, nor will anyone else who cares about your little family. He doesn't get to declare himself separated and then cat around with hobags for no reason. Responsible people only separate for dire reasons and even then try hard to salvage their marriages, or at the very least remain faithful, until the fat lady sings.



Much too far away, plus reliance on the generosity of a wayward is a crazy plan. They are ranting addicts, especially since you are now in the dangerous position of knowing, but without the support of exposure. He could well spend all this cash on a mistress.

You don't understand the power of exposure. It will gain you supporters and activate the conscience he's suppressed. If he tries to stiff you financially, your supporters will come down on him like a tonne of bricks and he is going to again struggle with everyone viewing him as a bad guy. It's like an intervention.

Work the plans NOW, make your decision later. The plans give you options, Plan Denial takes them away.

Of course he will deny it, to others and to your son, but he won't be able to for long because it is the truth and people always see the truth when it is pointed out to them. Don't worry about his denials, that's par for the course.

After you have exposed to your son, you should also ask him if he has seen anything strange and to tell you if he does see anything strange. You'd be amazed what waywards expose their kids to. Make it clear to your son that there are no secrets in your family and he should tell you everything.

I second the advice to get free guidance from Dr H on the radio and save your cash for the PI. SH is really more for when you have an honest spouse and are ready to start recovery.

In the meantime, draw up your exposure plan and targets. Get your template letters ready.

Dr H will most certainly tell you to expose.

Thank you everyone for your input but it seems like it's too late. He wants a divorce now and is moving toward that he said he wants to come home from the other state and be with them all weekend including coming in at 6:45am before they wake up and also bathing them and putting them to bed. Then go stay in a hotel. (so in other words he wants to see the kids- but not be around me) I believe he's trying to set up physical separation (we've been married 8 1/2 years) so that it doesn't get to the 10 year mark.

I also f'd up too early by saying that isn't fair and not ok and that if he doesn't want to make it work he could take the kids friday night and bring them back saturday night. He is ok with that. A Plan B letter won't shock him because he's basically heard my plan B letter. I really screwed up and wanted to hold it in but I couldn't because hearing that he wanted to come in and get time with the kids and not me hurt me greatly. I should have dont this the right way but now I'm here. He's even ok with telling the kids we are taking a break. I am so devastated and feel like I have no control.
Part of me still wants to do what Plan B letter would state (absolutely no contact with me, and he gets the kids for half the weekend) but because he is saying he wants to spend time with the kids more than that, will that be held against me in court? "keeping him from seeing the kids" when he wants to see them all weekend? (but sleep in a hotel without the kids). And exposure will piss him off more. He doesn't want to be with me. he'll say I'm defaming him and actually he will say that the affair was an after affect- that he's been unhappy in our marriage the whole time.... Again, just letting you know what I fear. I am hearing everyone but it seems too late. Thank you.

SFL you have no control because you are passively catering to his outlandish fogbabble. I would suggest you stop listening to a fool who has ruined his marriage and start listening to Dr. Harley and those who have recovered their marriages.

Until you get out of the backseat and start demanding the respect you deserve, he will continue this crap.

You will either save your marriage or divorce with dignity if you listen to these folks which is a lot nicer than being in a confusing mess that you are rationalizing.

Ok- I want to listen.
So, since I ruined the Plan B letter- do I write another one?
And do you think that limiting the time with the kids to what I say (Friday night to saturday night- he takes the kids) even if he is saying he wants the kids more (but not overnight) would hurt me in court if we divorce?
And finally, sorry if this is a stupid question but just want to clarify- Plan doesn't happen right?

SFL, posters are always willing to help you but if you want to go off and do your own thing...no one is going to give you advice that goes in one ear and other the other.

I have asked you twice...where is your family? Close? 500 miles away? 2K miles away?

Where is WH's family?

How old are both of you?

You are putting the cart before the horse. The first and most important thing is to hire a PI and get the facts about the affair.

Your marriage can be saved, but only if you start listening to our advice.

Tell him he can come home and see the kids - AND YOU. You shouldn't leave. That stands until you uncover the affair and go into Plan B.

We are not concerned that he will be "pissed off" or that he will say he's been unhappy in his marriage. WE ALREADY KNOW THIS. We expect him to say this just like every other wayward. Our goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid his anger at all costs. That will not save your marriage.

You continually draw your own conclusions about the plans we propose, but you have no experience in saving marriages. WE DO. And we can't help you if you won't put aside your own wrong headed notions and listen to those of us who have been through this.

There are no guarantees, but there is guarantee of divorce if you won't listen to our advice and put aside your own ideas.

My wife did the same thing.
She planned on coming in every morning, then leaving after the kids went to bed..

Its all nonsense. Don't listen to HIS plans. Listen and follow Dr. Harley's plans.
Listening to an active wayward is like taking life advice from an alocholic on a barstool. They talk and talk and talk and their lives are in shambles