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And exposure will piss him off more. He doesn't want to be with me. he'll say I'm defaming him and actually he will say that the affair was an after affect- that he's been unhappy in our marriage the whole time.... Again, just letting you know what I fear. I am hearing everyone but it seems too late. Thank you. We are not concerned that he will be "pissed off" or that he will say he's been unhappy in his marriage. WE ALREADY KNOW THIS. We expect him to say this just like every other wayward. Our goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid his anger at all costs. That will not save your marriage. You continually draw your own conclusions about the plans we propose, but you have no experience in saving marriages. WE DO. And we can't help you if you won't put aside your own wrong headed notions and listen to those of us who have been through this. There are no guarantees, but there is guarantee of divorce if you won't listen to our advice and put aside your own ideas. Melody Lane- you've got to have some understanding this is all shocking to me. I'm not an idiot and I understand you guys are the pros but I really trusted him. It's taking me awhile to really let this sink in. I'm not purposefully trying to ignore advice hence my previous statement "I am listening." This is just a lot of info I'm trying to process and I am devastated. Yes, you guys know your stuff, and most other people fail and are telling me other things... I just have questions to clarify. Just because I'm afraid he will get super angry and screw me in court because I didn't "let him see the kids more" doesn't mean I'm not going to do the steps as spelled out. I'm just kind of like in a "are you sure?" moment and need to gain strength to actually do this. If people could support me by answering my questions and last minute jitters that would be a lot more helpful. I've read a lot of info but haven't read any where the cheater was the one actually wanting the divorce... I just don't think he even cares at this point. He even seems numb to the fact that he could only see his kids one night a weekend- it's scary.
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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The only hope for having a romantic marriage with your husband is to first kill the affair.
You need to snoop and find out who he is having the affair with and some evidence of the affair.
That is your first step.
Second guessing Dr. Harley's methods will not help save your marriage.
The clock is ticking...
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SFL, posters are always willing to help you but if you want to go off and do your own thing...no one is going to give you advice that goes in one ear and other the other.
I have asked you twice...where is your family? Close? 500 miles away? 2K miles away?
Where is WH's family?
How old are both of you? Sorry- didn't see your previous post.... We are in California and my husband works in Utah. My mom is in Hawaii and my dad is here. Unfortunately my dad and I aren't that close. WH's family is all over- His mom is in Florida, his brother is in Nashville, his sister is here and he's already got his sister on his side. (and probably the rest of his family) claiming that he wants a divorce because of other things. (which I am sure have been Lovebustes in the past but I really, worked on all of them).
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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SFL, posters are always willing to help you but if you want to go off and do your own thing...no one is going to give you advice that goes in one ear and other the other. And yes, I hear you which is why I said "I F'd up" and that I am now listening.
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Apr 2014
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The only hope for having a romantic marriage with your husband is to first kill the affair.
You need to snoop and find out who he is having the affair with and some evidence of the affair.
That is your first step.
Second guessing Dr. Harley's methods will not help save your marriage.
The clock is ticking... Yes, I hear you..... trying to come up with several K to pay a PI to truly watch him is what I am trying to do.... He works from 8am to 6/7pm.... Even if I just have the PI (at $100 an hour) watch MOnday through Thursday from 6pm to 11pm will be 2K. I might need him more because they might go to lunch, etc? That's some cash I don't have outside of our joint account right now... Trying to figure it out.
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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And exposure will piss him off more. He doesn't want to be with me. he'll say I'm defaming him and actually he will say that the affair was an after affect- that he's been unhappy in our marriage the whole time.... Again, just letting you know what I fear. I am hearing everyone but it seems too late. Thank you. We are not concerned that he will be "pissed off" or that he will say he's been unhappy in his marriage. WE ALREADY KNOW THIS. We expect him to say this just like every other wayward. Our goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid his anger at all costs. That will not save your marriage. You continually draw your own conclusions about the plans we propose, but you have no experience in saving marriages. WE DO. And we can't help you if you won't put aside your own wrong headed notions and listen to those of us who have been through this. There are no guarantees, but there is guarantee of divorce if you won't listen to our advice and put aside your own ideas. Melody Lane- you've got to have some understanding this is all shocking to me. I'm not an idiot and I understand you guys are the pros but I really trusted him. It's taking me awhile to really let this sink in. I'm not purposefully trying to ignore advice hence my previous statement "I am listening." This is just a lot of info I'm trying to process and I am devastated. Yes, you guys know your stuff, and most other people fail and are telling me other things... I just have questions to clarify. Just because I'm afraid he will get super angry and screw me in court because I didn't "let him see the kids more" doesn't mean I'm not going to do the steps as spelled out. I'm just kind of like in a "are you sure?" moment and need to gain strength to actually do this. If people could support me by answering my questions and last minute jitters that would be a lot more helpful. I've read a lot of info but haven't read any where the cheater was the one actually wanting the divorce... I just don't think he even cares at this point. He even seems numb to the fact that he could only see his kids one night a weekend- it's scary. \ We will be here when you are ready to follow a plan. I don't see how we can help you until you are ready to get to work. Talking about your fears and him wanting a divorce is not a relevant part of the plan.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry again Black raven- I'm a bit of a mess... I am 40 and WH is 44
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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Melody Lane- are you a BS?
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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Melody Lane- are you a BS? Yes.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok- so I just want to be clear:
1) get a PI to get more proof that he is having an affair still, currently.
2) Expose
then
3) write another plan be letter separating from him with no contact and logistics for kids visitations?
Is this right?
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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Ok- so I just want to be clear:
1) get a PI to get more proof that he is having an affair still, currently.
2) Expose
then
3) write another plan be letter separating from him with no contact and logistics for kids visitations?
Is this right? You got it! And at each step along the way, come back here and update us so we can help you with your plan.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok- so I just want to be clear:
1) get a PI to get more proof that he is having an affair still, currently.
2) Expose
then
3) write another plan be letter separating from him with no contact and logistics for kids visitations?
Is this right? Can you put spyware on his phone while he's home?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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The only hope for having a romantic marriage with your husband is to first kill the affair.
You need to snoop and find out who he is having the affair with and some evidence of the affair.
That is your first step.
Second guessing Dr. Harley's methods will not help save your marriage.
The clock is ticking... Yes, I hear you..... trying to come up with several K to pay a PI to truly watch him is what I am trying to do.... He works from 8am to 6/7pm.... Even if I just have the PI (at $100 an hour) watch MOnday through Thursday from 6pm to 11pm will be 2K. I might need him more because they might go to lunch, etc? That's some cash I don't have outside of our joint account right now... Trying to figure it out. Do you have friends that can follow him?
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Allright! I just figured out the funds and hired a PI!! Supposedly his car is parked at the airport and the PI's first goal will be to get a tracker on his car. Yay. Ok, so I am doing this and it does prove that he is a liar (because he swears up and down the fling is over, he's not 'seeing' anyone and that the co-worker is just a friend- yeah right) but, technically he says we are "taking a break." If I get info, this week, it will prove he is a liar and give me more to expose but, I can just foresee he using the excuse that we were taking a break. 
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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Can you put spyware on his phone while he's home? No because I don't know his password. 
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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Thank you everyone for your input but it seems like it's too late. He wants a divorce now and is moving toward that he said he wants to come home from the other state and be with them all weekend including coming in at 6:45am before they wake up and also bathing them and putting them to bed. Then go stay in a hotel. (so in other words he wants to see the kids- but not be around me) I believe he's trying to set up physical separation (we've been married 8 1/2 years) so that it doesn't get to the 10 year mark.
I also f'd up too early by saying that isn't fair and not ok and that if he doesn't want to make it work he could take the kids friday night and bring them back saturday night. He is ok with that. A Plan B letter won't shock him because he's basically heard my plan B letter. I really screwed up and wanted to hold it in but I couldn't because hearing that he wanted to come in and get time with the kids and not me hurt me greatly. I should have dont this the right way but now I'm here. He's even ok with telling the kids we are taking a break. I am so devastated and feel like I have no control.
Part of me still wants to do what Plan B letter would state (absolutely no contact with me, and he gets the kids for half the weekend) but because he is saying he wants to spend time with the kids more than that, will that be held against me in court? "keeping him from seeing the kids" when he wants to see them all weekend? (but sleep in a hotel without the kids). And exposure will piss him off more. He doesn't want to be with me. he'll say I'm defaming him and actually he will say that the affair was an after affect- that he's been unhappy in our marriage the whole time.... Again, just letting you know what I fear. I am hearing everyone but it seems too late. Thank you. Don't threaten exposure! You do it, not threaten it. Unwarned. As for his babble that's what all waywards say. They all threaten divorce and say they love you one day and hate you the next. This is textbook and you should disregard it utterly. It's not defamation if it's true! When he gets furious after exposure, you just look very unimpressed and say you had hoped to see him apologise to his loved ones and make amends. Anger is good, it means it's working.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Allright! I just figured out the funds and hired a PI!! Supposedly his car is parked at the airport and the PI's first goal will be to get a tracker on his car. Yay. Ok, so I am doing this and it does prove that he is a liar (because he swears up and down the fling is over, he's not 'seeing' anyone and that the co-worker is just a friend- yeah right) but, technically he says we are "taking a break." If I get info, this week, it will prove he is a liar and give me more to expose but, I can just foresee he using the excuse that we were taking a break. Okay fantastic about the PI. Now while he's home you put on your best Miss James Bond (we really need to come up with a good woman under cover name lol) and act like you're buying his "it's all over" while being the best wife you can be. Can you do this? No love busting?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Allright! I just figured out the funds and hired a PI!! Supposedly his car is parked at the airport and the PI's first goal will be to get a tracker on his car. Yay. Ok, so I am doing this and it does prove that he is a liar (because he swears up and down the fling is over, he's not 'seeing' anyone and that the co-worker is just a friend- yeah right) but, technically he says we are "taking a break." If I get info, this week, it will prove he is a liar and give me more to expose but, I can just foresee he using the excuse that we were taking a break. Honey that is not a new tactic. You completely ignore his excuses and tell your supporters how heartbroken you are that he is 'taking a break ' to pursue an affair. Do you think his mother is going to say, oh well it's OK if you got the chance to chase something new, I don't care if you abandon my grandson and his mother?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Honey that is not a new tactic.
You completely ignore his excuses and tell your supporters how heartbroken you are that he is 'taking a break ' to pursue an affair.
Do you think his mother is going to say, oh well it's OK if you got the chance to chase something new, I don't care if you abandon my grandson and his mother? I know, I know, just preparing for the fall out and his excuses. Another tactic he is using is that he has been so unhappy for 8 years which is not true because he has said that "we were so happy the year our son was born" and that "we were so happy when we lived there" (our previous place which we lived for 3 years) and "we are so happy the first year we got together." well total that up and that is 5 our of the 8 years.... Classic Wayward I guess?
BS
2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD
Divorced since 12/11/15
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