- Well, I would love to get out of CA actually but- WH is planning on getting a place here for the weekends. So if Plan B goes into D, it would be lame of me to take the kids to another state so it would be difficult for WH to see them right? When the topic has come up he's hinted at "fighting for 50% custody" if I don't agree to let him see them every other weekend. Don't know how this would happen since I am their SAHM and he's gone 4 days a week in UT.
- His employer is in UT. His boss is I don't know where but it's not CA and he travels to UT here and there.

I agree... He's going though this very "I need to be happy" phase. (as if he wasn't bursting at the seems with joy when he spent time with us prior to this job and affair.) He used to be a really great dad and husband.

Lately he's been very disconnected (I wonder why) and when he is home with the kids he's very often sleeping or playing games on his phone.

He keeps on saying "I am so lost," I just need to sort myself out," etc.

Back to my home lease- It's actually a luxury apartment with a leasing office. They have keys to all the units (or a master key or something). As per an above suggestion I was thinking I didn't want to change the lease to my name because if he screws me and doesn't pay the rent (even though he swears he wouldn't) I would be responsible and it would ruin my credit.

But if he is the leaseholder and I change the locks- he could go to the leasing office and get a key. I was thinking of talking to the leasing office manager (a woman) in confidence and asking what she thought...
Advice?

Annnd... He just texted me: "I miss you," and "I'm so lost." (again after leaving the house saying we are taking a break.) What is a good Plan A response to that?
I said "Me too." to I miss you. and when he said "I'm so lost."
Should I say anything more if/when he does it next time?

Say, "I miss you too and I know we can have a wonderful and loving marriage together". Love you, xoxoxo

He wouldn't get 50/50...that's just to scare you. Joint custody is NOT the same as 50/50 so don't fret about his threat to fight you. He is physically is gone more than half the week...crack pipe talking.

I don't think you need to Plan A your WH too much. He said he misses you so if he thought you were a horrible troll he wouldn't say that...or worst case he is manipulating you so you don't pressure him. Either way I would not offer too much carrot and prepare to administer the stick this week. You should expose the affair to your family and friends while the PI does his thing. Do not tell anyone about the PI as they may tell him you hired one.

Getting divorced isn't going to give him the life he wants to live either if money is a sticking point for him...he will lose half his assets and be paying you support for years.

You have an appt today with Steve? Let us know how that goes but I don't think I'd hold off on the exposure...at least expose to family member. They may be able to help but do not mention anything to them about work exposure, MB, the PI or anything they could intentionally blab or let slip to WH. With WH being away when you start to expose, he will be having a stroke...mine did.

ETA: If you haven't already done so, I strongly advise you to consult an attorney to find out what your rights are. I would also set up your own bank account as well. Be prepared!!

That's one of the main reasons for exposure. The kids suddenly realise it wasn't them who had become boring. Often the wayward has gone ape on a poor kid who disturbed a call or text or asked what he was doing.

I'd consult a lawyer and get separation and maintainance advice as part of your Plan B preps.

A big part of Plan B is in busting up the fantasy and giving a preview of a realistic divorce. The WS gets self involved and tends to construct a divorce fantasy which involves the BS lumbering all the responsibilities they will have to cast off to keep their affair.

Typical WS fantasy looks like this:

1) An extra household will not cost more - the BS can earn more/do without
2) I won't have less time with the kids, I can banish the BS when I want, or inflict my unremorseful cheating presence on my family when the spirit moves me etc... Only for the fun tasks of course.
3) My new relationship won't be allowed to get 'realistic' or have arguments - whenever the troubles of a second household come calling, I will turn right around and blame the BS, not my new love.
4) Everyone will love my OW because I'm going to lie to them about how we really started.
5) I will stop meeting my BS's needs but I will still expect her to meet mine, like co-parenting, being an affectionate shoulder when things get rough and providing me with the comfort of a family home to escape to when real life intrudes with OW.

Plan B reality looks like this:

1)The BS has consulted a lawyer and it turns out 'his' earnings are her earnings too.
2) He sees the children at appointed times, away from the family home and is solely responsible for parenting and amusing them.
3) The fantasy A gets real realistic, real fast. The BS is not available to accept any blame. She is busy painting her townails and having bubble baths.
4) Everyone, including the children has lost respect for him. Friends no no longer trust him around their wives. Women actively dislike him. No one accepts OW or wants her around except for people with very scummy standards.
5) The BS meets no needs at all and he realises that providing a living pales in comparison to providing a life and a home.

Throughout all of this nightmare - he has an out. Your Plan B letter showing him the way home.

Now Plan B does not save marriages - really it just saves you but it does give a dose of reality to the WS while keeping you safe out of the trouble.

It can take time to Plan B, up to two years, so do see a lawyer; make your Plan B comfortable for the duration and don't stint in making sure his experience of Plan B is not.

Thank you indie girl- much appreciated.

Any news from the PI?

I asked the PI to hold off on telling me the results until next tuesday because WS will be home for the long weekend. I need to play nice (and I won't be able to contain myself if I see the "proof") until I meet with a lawyer (meeting tomorrow) and get leases extended. Tuesday after Memorial Day I will find out everything.

The PI did tell me that when he followed him to hotel after landing that he was definitely under the influence swerving and starting to exit then rapidly pulling back onto freeway. This was at night and he has started drinking on the plane....

WS today during FaceTime just looked at me in tears and kept on shaking his head saying how beautiful I was... It's like he's mourning me because he's dead-set on moving on. He also texted me when he got the hotel Sunday night saying how sorry he was and how he is "so lost." I don't know what to do or say during these things because the second I say "I am here and we can make it work," he closes up.

This mourning stuff is very common. You don't need to do anything except make Plan A deposits which you are by being pretty . You certainly don't need to console him as he sets fire to his life to appease his drug dealer.

Maybe throw a little affection into the mix by saying you hate to see him in such pain and so unhappy with his choices. Which is also a nice little way of throwing the responsibility back on him - if he's unhappy it's because he is choosing to be.

Your response is actually perfect and him 'closing up' is nothing to be concerned about. Waywards often close up the pity party when they hear sense. They don't like it, but you can bet he'll remember it when the affair is crashing down in flames.

SFL, it might be a good idea to blow this up this weekend because he will be home. For example, if you got the evidence today, you could begin your exposures once you know he is on the plane to come home. By the time he reaches home his phone will be blowing up and he and the OW won't be together to do damage control.

You have a 50/50 chance that exposing it will ruin the affair and you won't have to worry about the lease or getting legal protection at all.

Also you will have supporters who will help make sure he doesn't threaten you financially.

I know you've said you can't control yourself around him knowing this knowledge - but I think you can.

I think so, because we all thought we 'couldn't handle it' and yet we found our poker faces. We behaved under fire. You've also been doing beautifully in responding to his fog-babble recently and I think you've got this.

Whatever the PI tells you, you must 'detach your mind at will' as Sherlock Holmes says and just think how valuable the proof is to your exposure.

ML makes a great point about exposing while they are not together and it is usually the sooner the better with exposure.

thanks again IndieGirl
I am definitely doing this (plan A/plan B) and am really seeing how this is the best thing to do.
As days go by howewever (again not 2nd guessing doing it just seeing how it might be too late) I am realizing that My WS is so entrenched with this OW and even when I do Plan B- he works with this woman and won't change that. He is addicted to her. She has taken the place of me emotionally. He is now sending her is flight plans and he is checking in with her saying "Morning" and "hey" and complaining about his day to her and she is giving him everything he needs.
I got a background check (she took down her facebook page) and got some relatives but I believe it's just a sister. I'm not going to expose her/him to work because it would kill his career and my paycheck.
I am sickened just realizing that he is scrambling for money including the help he promised me when he took this job in order to buy her things and help her out. He even considered cutting our kids after school activities so he can continue find extra money for her. (Before, he would NEVER cut anything from the children).
I guess what I"m saying is I'm going to do Plan B for me (and I get it completely) but I believe just exposing to her sister (and maybe mom not positive who the relatives are) and WH's few friends and family isn't going to kill the affair. WH has been distant from friends and family his whole life. He doesn't care if the world is against him. He doesn't really respect or listen to anyone.
WH and OW will be like Bonnie and Clyde and it might even draw them closer together. He loves helping her and grooming her as a business person (which I'm not.) I am the SAHM that he used to adore and be so thankful for because I was raising our children so wonderfully but now he is telling me to put my baby in daycare so I can get a job.

I"m seeing a lawyer today but think I"ll be SOL with keeping my place because it will be under his name and he will have access.

Any thoughts appreciated.

I just can't because the kids will be around. I will be a mess. And I just wrote below how I truly don't think it will kill anything (but I will still do it). My WH has been a loner his whole life. Never really respecting/taking guidance from anyone.

SFl, did you read my post about exposing before this weekend? If you have the evidence, I think that would be the best strategy.

And you do realize your marriage can't be saved unless he leaves that job, right? The goal here is to kill the affair and avoid going into Plan B altogether. If you expose the affair this week, you can give him an ultimatum to leave the job within 30 days or you will expose there. That gives him the option of leaving gracefully. Then if he won't do that, you should expose there regardless.

That's fine if your kids are there. Can you get a babysitter?

There is about a 50/50 chance that the affair will be killed. You can't predict that outcome. The OW may dump him if the affair is exposed to her family and friends.

Sorry- Melody Lane and IndieGirl- I am reading your posts out of order!

Another reason I am not wanting to do it this weekend is because My WH promised my kids a "long great weekend."

I also wouldn't be able to do the No contact rule because I'd need to know that he got my car lease and home lease straightened out. I also need to pay for my kids summer school I'm planning on taking care of ALL of this, this weekend.

I don't know who her friends are. NO facebook page just a background check with a few relatives that I don't even think she's close to. She too is a loner. they are "perfect" for eachother.