Haha I knew what you meant, but my response did sound confusing. Sorry about that.

I agree.

Hi Brainhurts and Jedi thanks for replying. Phew glad I'm not in trouble about the wave!

Crying on and off today. Seeing him this morning has upset me knowing he is with OW and not caring about me.

Jedi thanks for sharing about alanon and your
MIL. My brother is an alcoholic and has been for about the last ten years I would say. He is 35 and still lives at home with my Dad. It's surprising because my brother has managed to keep a full time job all these years. He's never saved a cent and pays no rent and I don't see him ever leaving. All his money goes to alcohol.

I've tried to talk to my brother in the past but he refuses help. He does admit he is an alcoholic. He's never had a car license and he's admitted if he had a license he would probably kill someone because of his drinking. So I guess that's good he is recognizing that fact and not getting a license.

He drinks every day after work and every weekend. He gets very drunk and swears a lot. I do feel my Dad has enabled it a lot and let's him carry on and my Dad even drives him to the pub all the time. My dad just accepts that he is an alcoholic and he won't change. But I fear him taking him to the pub is not the answer.

My brother spoils family functions by acting like an idiot and embarrasing himself. But he doesn't see it.

The funny thing is my brother and I used to be so close when we were little. But he is such a different person now. When he's sober he is very withdrawn and you can't get a conversation out of him. Yet when he's drunk you can't shut him up and he'll talk heaps to you. It's hard when he's quiet and won't talk but at least he's sober. But on the other hand when he's drunk you at least have him interacting and laughing with you but you know it's the alcohol talking.

Jedi I'm not too clued in on the ins and out of alcoholism. Would you consider my brother a full on alcoholic if he's holding down a job at the same time?

Sorry for going totally off topic on my thread.

It sounds like your brother is what they call a "functioning alcoholic".

Have you thought about going to AlAnon? I would invite your dad also.

Yes I would go to Alanon. I would approach my Dad about it but I don't think Dad would go. Dad seems to sweep it all under the carpet.

I agree with Jedi you did ok in an off guard moment and could have done worse! You'll have these little Plan B moments where you'll see little gaps and how to tighten them up. That's because your Plan B landscape is different to everyone else's and after the big avenues of contact are closed off, you'll be in charge of spotting the little ones.

I find it really pleasing that you are already brain storming ways to avoid this experience. Perhaps taking different routes or like you say avoiding scrutiny of drivers. I used to avoid looking closely at any big white people carrier similar to OWs car.

I'd say about six to eight months. My thought processes are all on my original thread because I am a chatty one! At that point I was pressing ahead hard with the D I had originally only started for financial protection. I told my IM that I 'might' consider any overtures from him before the D, but once it was finalised I didn't want to know if he'd even been in touch.

He's on the other side of the world and I don't let people repeat gossip or updates so I don't know much, or think about it much which is lovely. There was a natural disaster there recently and my bf asked if I thought he'd been affected and I hadn't even considered him when listening to the news.

This is your thread and anything and everything in your life now makes up your Plan B. I think on mine I used to witter on about gardening and hiking!

I recommend pages 80-90 of my thread. It's only 4 months in and you can already see progress.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2516378

Great thanks for that Indie. I will read. I always like to read others posts and gain as much knowledge as I can.

I think I've even surprised myself today by automatically thinking of ways to close these little Plan B gaps. I think if I had to give any advice to people struggling to get into Plan B I would say that the breaking off of the initial contact like changing your number etc is the HARDEST thing to do. But once you do it it's such a relief and the little bits that follow come so much easier.

Wow I think I'm making progress. Surprising myself every day in how strong I am becoming.

If I look back to a month ago I would go out of my way to find ways to see my H. But I've realised now that if I see him it hurts so much. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

It hurts so much to see him knowing that he has made his choice and it's not me. I love him so much. I feel so used these past six months and even two years.

The whole time he was telling me he wasn't using me and that it was love that he kept seeing me. But at the end of each day he still went home to OW and that speaks volumes to me. I can't keep going on words and the loving look in his eyes. I have to look at actions. This is all up to him now. I've done all I can. I'm drained and exhausted.

My job now is to heal and get stronger for myself and my son.

If he wants to be with me and restore our marriage and give our DS a happy home, then he knows what he has to do. I don't need to look at what he is doing. He needs to act.

I hope one day he will see the light and come home. I believe deep down my loving husband is still there.

It's because you are serious this time. You've reached your pain limit and so have nothing to lose. When you bailed out last time, I was concerned but I just sort of thought "OK, Rock, have some more pain to drink and we will see how you feel in a bit." It's amazing how many people come back when Plan Fear doesn't pan out, so I try to have faith in people's ability to admit a mistake. There's always a chance they'll end up in the nut house instead though.




I don't know that I would call rolling around drunkenly in a shacked up situation with a slattern a 'choice' as such. Not a considered one, anyway. Much as you I did with you, you just have to leave him to his pain and see what it motivates him to do.



That's entirely in his hands. Of course he is, if he has the motivation or get up and go to free himself. If he doesn't then it's a bit like 'if a tree falls in a deserted forest does it make a sound' - the answer is, no one cares. All sinners have an innocent core, a clean slate given them in babyhood from which bad branches grew.

I don't want to hear about the sinner, I want to hear about your Plan B because I just have this feeling it is going to be an epic one.

What colour are your toenails by the way?

Your posts are always so insightful Indie. Thank you.

You're right I am serious this time. It's coming up to 2 weeks of Plan B. Wow! That time has gone fast. I've cried a lot and thought a lot and read a lot and becoming stronger every day.

I do often wonder if he is feeling any pain about me not being around anymore. Wondering if he will be motivated to do anything or just continue on. I guess him probably buying a house with her shows me he has no intention of fighting for our marriage.

But you're right. I need to focus on myself and my Plan B.

I've started reading your thread from the beginning. I know you said around Page 40 was where I would see progress but I like to start from the beginning. Even reading the first pages when you were new and only just learning, and now hearing all your insightful wise advice shows me how much you have learnt along the way. Awesome! Even the way you talk now is so much different and so knowledgeable now.

I hope I can help people on here someday too. I do find myself learning new things every day.

I got a bit teary at the start when you were just finding out things. I do get quite emotional reading lots of peoples posts on here and feel their pain right along with them.

Thank goodness for this site where we can all help one another.

I do hope my Plan B will be epic! I remember you asking a while back what colour my toenails are....so embarrassed I can't remember the last time I painted them.

Hmm maybe that should be my 2 week reward. A new nail polish. I will report back when my toenails are painted!

Another good thing I am doing for myself is my daughter is giving me a new hair colour and cut next weekend. She is a hairdresser. I will be all new and fancy for my holiday! I need a confidence boost that's for sure!

Shiny new nails coming and new hair! And a new travelling outfit is in order me thinks!

This place has changed my life. Never have I encountered so much wisdom in one place. My dad says I have got myself another degree.



It's my belief the first three weeks are the worst.



Awww. You are a doll, rock.



Good plan.

Well done! Another difficult situation handled with instinctive grace. No need to be rude, but nothing more than the same politeness you would give a complete stranger.

While you're calmer, get a little emergency list ready to help you handle it emotionally the next time you bump into him. (And of course avoid that whenever possible!!) Just some handy little reminders, like listen to happy music, watch a funny movie, break out the emergency toenail polish, whatever it takes to quickly get your mind back in a good and safe track.

A total standing ovation for keeping up your Plan B!!!!!!! It will keep getting better and better.

Thanks Indie I never thought I could do this. You're right the first few weeks are definately the hardest. Hopefully this will get easier. I still cry a lot.

Thanks Neak for the standing ovation. It helps so much everyone here encouraging me. I would never be rude to my H because I love him so much and still believe in our love.

Only 35 days to my trip, getting excited!

Woo hoo!!! Good job!! Keep going!

Keep us updated on the color of your toenails!!

I will BrainHurts! I'm going to pick a nice nail colour this weekend with an awesome rocking name to match!

Will give a toe update soon

Right on, my friend. Can't wait.

Today was so hard. I was at the store buying groceries and I saw one of WH's relatives. She looked straight at me and looked away again.

I'm so sad and tired of his whole family treating me like I'm nothing and worthless. They all hate me for walking out and what I did and they hate me for sleeping with my own husband behind OW's back.

They all love OW and I am just a useless piece of trash to them.

I'm so sad I can't stop crying.

Anytime my H could have stood up and defended me but he never did. He just stayed with OW and let me suffer the hurt and pain. He let everybody turn against me and did nothing. He proclaims to love me but anytime he could have stuck up for me.

The whole family snubs me if I ever see them out in public.

He has such a big family here and not one of them has been nice to me.

I feel snubbed and feel like I'm being pushed out the community that I called home.

I feel like I don't belong here anymore.

I feel like I just exist here and no one really cares. I've been excluded from this town.

If I'm walking down the street and I see one of them I am an invisible person.

I've changed and I'm not the same person anymore but nobody sees that or cares.

How can they all love OW??

I don't even know where my home is anymore.

I'm so angry at my H for not standing up for me and telling people he loved me. I'm angry he put OW first and continues to stay with her when he KNOWS FULL WELL that his wife is dying inside.

I wish I could turn back the clock and never had my A. That I had treated my husband with love and care and hadn't taken him for granted.

Now I'm paying for it and I feel like I'm being punished.

When I get back from my trip I am going to a lawyer and getting my financial settlement and getting the heck out of this community and finding a new place to live.

I'm living in a house that my H bought for me when I left, and I am paying him rent.

I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much and is so painful.

If he doesn't come back to me soon then he is going to lose me. I can't handle this cruel treatment anymore.

He just keeps me hanging like a doormat and I am worth so much more than this.

I don't think I can wait the 2 years. I've been hanging on for so long now and I don't think I can take any more abuse.

I love him so much but he's killing me.