Thanks, BH. i feel ok, but kinda anxious. With DD's situation (poor adjustment to our separation), I felt strong resentment toward WH, and got less impatient with him.

After the recent exposure, many of our friends reached out to us. Some talked to WH a lot. WH admitted to them that he broke up with OW, but doesn't wanna break the status quo with me. Quote: he's scared to come home. Not sure it's because of his unwillingness to work on the marriage, or he hates to accept the consequences, and scared that I would chew him out, or the difficulty of repair the marriage. Basically he chose to escape again.

What shall i do now, besides looking for jobs in CA? Is it i could only wait till he figures out that he wants to commit to our family? What if he lose the motivation to work on the marriage?

Let him return to you hat in hand if that moment comes

is that absolutely required? I do agree that his willingness to do whatever it takes to save our marriage will make things a lot easier, and would save a lot of my resentment. But he is still quite far from that and my patience is wearing off.

Yes, it is required.
Dr. Harley has stated this on his radio show

If he doesn't return "hat in hand" then you will be facing a false recovery.

A false recovery can be more painful than an original Dday.

Voice of experience, here:

Not only is a FR (false recovery) much more painful, it is also much harder to recover from.

Don't set yourself up for one. Keep that bar raised high...

Yes, it is absolutely required. My xWH was willing to do all the EPs and he was fine with it at first. I thought we were working through the withdrawal okay. After about a month and a half he was frustrated with all my "rules" and said I was controlling him and trying to turn him into a new person. He returned to his old ways, endless LBs, and by the time I asked him to leave I didn't feel any love for him at all.

If your goal is to save your marriage then you should stay in Plan B until he is serious about recovery. I didn't do Plan B until 6 months after D-day because I didn't know about MB at the time. By the time I was in Plan B I was sick of waiting for him to commit to me. I now feel like the FR was a waste of time, but it also allowed me to accept that divorce was the best option given my situation.

Stay in Plan B as long as you possibly can. If you allow him to come home before he can meet all EPs, he will drain your love bank completely and your resentment will grow.

Thanks guys for all your replies. WH is far from "hat in hand"

yesterday MIL told me WH wanted to have a short trip with MIL and DD in early June, just Fri to Sun, but they wanted me to take care of DS - 7month as if i'm the baby-sitter and they, the family could have a relaxing vacation. I'm not sure how to react. I wanted to tell WH through IM that either take DS with them, or leave without both kids. But i don't know if I should not make more love bank withdrawal, since Dr. Harley mentioned in the radio show that i should do a short-term plan a before leave for CA for long-term plan b.

Also, I read on the forum that Steve Harley is pretty good at getting reluctant spouse on board for the MB program. Are we at the right stage to talk to him yet?

Regarding Plan A, that window has closed. You already did Plan A and are now in Plan B. You do not return to plan A. You can email Dr. Harley for clarification if needed, but I doubt that he would advise you to return to Plan A at this time.

As for Steve Harley, you can be ready for his services when WH returns to you hat-in-hand.

Thanks, Jedi. I emailed follow-up question to Dr. Harley regarding short-term plan a that it may take months before i can move and if i should have him back that early, his response was :"It depends. If your mental health continues to deteriorate, it may be too long. One the other hand, knowing you have a plan may help you put your husband�s bad behavior in perspective, and it may not affect you the same way." . So it kinda bothers me that listening to Sora's radio session that Dr. Harley explained plan a as besides the exposure, you shall try your best to deposit love units, avoid love buster. but my plan a was tons of love busters. and now my plan b, is not even plan b, still thinking everyday how to save my marriage. it just defeated the purpose of i taking care of two little ones all by myself. i know the best option is leave for CA right now!!! but without a job, it just sounds so unrealistic!!!

the thing is now i feel that WH has no intention return to home. is it just my fear and emotion got into me?

Yes. Plan B is not catering to your WH.

Thanks, black_raven. I'll do that.

Yes it is.

Just keep following Plan B and keep looking for a job and trying to move to CA.

not really much to update.

but, during the drop-off last night, DD was crying and ask WH why everytime he has to leave. then DD came in and ask if she can spent more time with daddy. i agreed and she went out staying with WH for a bit longer. this whole thing lasted more than half an hour. WH was so cruel and cold, even DD was crying and begging for him to stay, he chose to leave. later on, DD told me WH told her he didn't break up the family. this is just hopeless...

DS was teething and had high fever for 3 days last week. he woke up every hour at night and it was tough. and i was kinda upset that during non-visitation times, MIL always met WH and brought back some stuff, like fruit or cake DD likes, and told her your father bought this for you and stuff... then this monday, at 5am, probably becoz lack of sleep, or it got to a point i couldn't take it anymore, i had a fight with MIL. first time in 4 months. i bet WH would say, see, i know you could pretend to be nice to my mother for long. anyway, MIL and I tried to make up the next day, after all, if we try to manage to live under the same roof, it won't work if we keep fighting.

also got a call from a prospective employer, but the position they are hiring is only contract job, after the project ends, if no other projects, one might be out of job, and no health insurance and other benefits. i don't think it's a match for me, will keep looking.

Well, I don't know if I'm taking the right steps. And I know i've been indecisive and hesitating for a long time. I did look very hard for a job, but nothing comes up yet. Probably we could only hear crickets chirping in this thread, but i know that's for a reason. i didn't quite follow you guys' advice, but i'm too emotionally attached, too afraid of losing my marriage, and too scared of the drastic change me and my kids might be facing after we move to CA. Anyway, here's the update:

On Sunday, 6/8/14, I told WH i will move to CA with kids by the end of July, with or with not a job in CA. Will quit my current job by the end of June. I'll spend a couple of weeks in July in CA myself to locate apt and preschool for DD. So from 6/8 i'll start 3-4 weeks of Plan A as suggested by Dr. Harley during radio show, before moving to CA.

WH is still pretty fogged out.

1. He doesn't want to have a divorce now, but he doesn't want to work on the marriage either. He's okay with we moving to CA, and will continue to support us during the time that i don't have a job. We haven't talked about how long that would be though.

2. He doesn't even want to move home. Looks like he's quite contented with his care-free life in his office. He suggested he will drop off / pick up DD and make dinner for us, to free me some time for my work in the transition period. Then i told him i got cold and DS is very fussy at night. I need some good sleep to recover. He negotiated that he could stay home at night on Tue, Wed, and Thu from 11pm to 5am to look after son. He said before he's scared of staying at home, and he's scared of facing me. The minute he saw i'm calling him on the cell he's heart was pounding out of chest.

3. He's still angry about my exposure. He's very concerned that I would expose him at his work to ruin his reputation. That seemed to be what he only cares about now. Quote from him, he really hates this MB program. he and OW haven't made contact since end of March, when I exposed OW at her workplace. -- i can't verify this. He wouldn't agree to follow EPs.

4. We had some together time yesterday with the whole family. Took a walk after dinner. WH is very careful around me, not too much talk, awkward sometimes. I'm just trying to avoid love busters for now.

From my side, I know I need to follow through the moving plan. But my friends have been telling me it's just too risky to move without a job. And WH's showing some signs of backing down, like not forcing me to divorce. WH has been telling everyone that has reached out to him that he and OW stopped contacts, well, OW backed out. Staying in HI will provide my kids, esp DD a stable environment and she'll have regular visit to her father. DD has a great preschool here, and she loves the teachers and friends so much. And my closest friend told me there might not be that much support as i imagined in CA, as ppl have their own life. Most friends have a very busy life with full time job and young children. I'd be better off staying in HI, since when my kids get sick, their father will be the one I can ask for help. also, i have a very stable job in HI.

I know WH's unremorseful and unwilling to commit to marriage, yet. But, would it because it's just a couple of months after the exposure. Dr Harley also said it would take DH quite a while to realize his marriage with me is his only escape from continuing depression. If I move to CA, it would just create another obstacle for our marriage. So would it be more feasible that I have a dark plan B in HI, just me living with kids, without MIL, or I ask help from my relatives? I have a new female friend in HI who's very supportive and we often have playdates on Sunday. My neighbors are also very helpful.

I'm torn. I know there's a chance WH would never want to recover the marriage. and I just can't help having these expectations that he should return to home soon. WH is also working in an environment that easy to have As without EP.

Please give me some insights. i'm scared that i might be making a big mistake in life. Instead of moving to CA, shall i have a very dark plan b in HI? I really appreciate your input.

the thing is after the exposure, even after they ended the contacts (well, very likely, he's not a good liar), what if he still doesn't want to commit to the marriage?

i also heard on radio that after ppl have separation, it's just very difficult to get them back together again. and from reading the stories here, the longer the separation, the less chance to recover. i don't know what to do now.

I don't think Dr. Harley would have supported you moving from Plan B back into Plan A.
His suggestion was made prior to Plan B and he does not advocate long Plan A's.

So, two days ago you went back into Plan A?
I hope you are prepared for an emotional roller coaster

Thanks for your reply, Jedi. yes, i'm in plan a now, although WH doesn't even wanna move back. I think i never had a true plan B. I did exposure during plan b, i asked friends to talk to him, and I have MIL to help the 8month old. I always have expectations. everytime i try sth, i'm expecting the good result, and i'm always disappointed. Even looking for job is not successful, yet.

i'll have ADs to help me. i'm just lost. it's not working, or i'm not patient enough, or i'm doing it the wrong way.

i'm trying to schedule a time with Steve Harely.

Don't expect a wayward man to be a good influence on your daughter.
Adultery literally rots their soul and changes them.

I also wouldn't count on him helping you raise your daughter.

Many of us who have divorced have no contact with our ex spouses and have seen them change from a loving parent to a selfish adult that cares little for their own children.