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I guess I just mean I will expose, he will be furious, he will say, divorce is coming. So I don't think the words "you will have to end your affair and leave your job if you want to stay with me" applies if he already has said he doesn't want to be with me. Thoughts? Thoughts? MelodyLane already told you he will be furious. He will be furious and will say stuff to you and you will come back here posting about it and we will remind you we already know this. It happens every single time. We've seen this story before. Expose anyway. It's vital that the affair be disrupted as much as possible. Exposure will speed up whatever is going to happen.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I am sure he will lie and try to spin the truth just like every wayward. Your job is to be smarter than that. You don't need to debate, defend or justify anything. You just tell him he will have to end his affair and leave the job if he wants to stay with you.
Don't fight, don't apologize, don't defend. Just be a broken record and tell him he has to end his affair and quit the job. How does this apply if he is already talking about divorcing me? He said, "we are separated and we will be divorcing soon." It is vitally important so that you turn this around so that he realizes HE needs to beg YOU if he wants to come back. This is about putting you back in control and reclaiming your dignity and getting a whole and healthy you out of this. HE is the one having an affair. He should not be threatening you with divorce. That is laughable. Expose the affair and let the consequences start raining down on him. This is step one in you coming out of this all right regardless of whether he finally has a successful cranial-rectal extraction are not. He wants to come home this weekend and spend time with the kids and I as a "goodbye weekend." A "goodbye weekend"? I am so sorry - God help you - that is so unbelievably disgusting. He must have a pathetically low opinion of you to think of doing something so abusive and offensive. I think that opinion will start to change when you stand up for yourself and expose what he has done and start getting the support you need.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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That is so degrading and insulting.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I'm getting really scared of exposure guys. He can be a monster (not physical) but he has been distancing himself from me and his kids for months. I think he's in love with this woman because he's been saying "I don't know." I don't know in reference to us. And I believe, now he knows. He has chosen her. I know, I know, expose expose. He is just such a good liar. I have evidence of him sleeping there but that's it. That is absolutely wrong, but still, he can create something like "she has been having nightmares from when her ex beat her up I just came to sleep on the couch." and then turn around and say, "YOU LIED TO EVERYONE- I haven't been sleeping with her- just being her friend!" I know, I know, but he is so so smart and caniving I am getting frightened.
Any good links to stories of women who were scared of exposing and how it went down?? Thank you, I just need to get strength. A good start is to post OW on the worlds largest infidelity exposure website: www.cheaterville.com . You can then include the links to that exposure when you contact her friends and family.
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SFL, if he doesn't want to be with you, why does he keep coming back home? Why the "goodbye weekend?" If he was so set on this he would be GONE!!!! Divorce would be filed!! Most WHs are cowards!!! Please stop with all the "what ifs" and get the exposure over with. It does not matter what moronic rationalizations WH comes up with...they will all be MORONIC!!!
No one is separated or divorced until they are separated or divorced. He stayed in a hotel last weekend. He doesn't want to stay with me- just see the kids. Oy...it doesn't matter. You, the kids, you and the kids, his fuzzy slippers, his pet turtle, whatever...my point was he has done nothing of substance other than act like a drama queen...which is typical. If he leaves, then Plan B is all the more easier for you. ok. got it. he just said he's in the process of filing... getting the "paperwork together." Who knows. Thank you.
BS 2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD Divorced since 12/11/15
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I am sure he will lie and try to spin the truth just like every wayward. Your job is to be smarter than that. You don't need to debate, defend or justify anything. You just tell him he will have to end his affair and leave the job if he wants to stay with you.
Don't fight, don't apologize, don't defend. Just be a broken record and tell him he has to end his affair and quit the job. How does this apply if he is already talking about divorcing me? He said, "we are separated and we will be divorcing soon." He wants to come home this weekend and spend time with the kids and I as a "goodbye weekend." And then he will be getting an apartment to crash in LA. I believe he is moving on with this woman and making plans for their future. Every wayward 'talks' about divorce. They think it makes cheating while married OK. As for the 'goodbye' weekend, waywards are constantly saying goodbye. They have more swan songs than swan lake. When with their mistress it's "I can't leave my family! Goodbye!" when with you it's "I can't do this (faithfully) - goodbye!" However they always end up going back for more of both types of cake. That's why the goodbye weekend is most certainly something you should not play along with. It IS insulting to expect you to watch him weep over his victims as he shoves the knife in deeper. He needs to understand that it WILL be goodbye - and it WILL be divorce - but on your terms unless he straightens up and flies right. See he thinks it's his call - but it is yours. You aren't scared by these pointless threats, because you have nothing to lose at this point. All you would lose is a cheating husband. So look very unimpressed when he tries to pull this to scare you.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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So when will you be exposing?
Are you planning on doing it Friday when he's flying home?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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So when will you be exposing?
Are you planning on doing it Friday when he's flying home? You are all going to kill me but I want to do it when he's on the way back to UT Monday Night. We have no help and I just can't deal with the anger around the kids. But I will do it. I will expose expose to as many as I can. He will be so paranoid of being seen with her knowing that I know.
BS 2 kids- 10yo DS, 5yo DD Divorced since 12/11/15
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So when will you be exposing?
Are you planning on doing it Friday when he's flying home? You are all going to kill me but I want to do it when he's on the way back to UT Monday Night. We have no help and I just can't deal with the anger around the kids. But I will do it. I will expose expose to as many as I can. He will be so paranoid of being seen with her knowing that I know. Okay, then you need to start on Sunday by posting OW on www.cheaterville.com and www.playerblock.com. It takes a few hours for the posting to appear. Then include a link in your exposure. Do you have your list of exposure targets for OW and WH family and friends?
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I think he's in love with this woman because he's been saying "I don't know." I don't know in reference to us. That is not love. Sneaking around deceiving your family and hiding from the real world is NOT love. It is a fantasy. And I believe, now he knows. He has chosen her. I know, I know, expose expose. Again FANTASY. He is living in a fantasy that he can make it look like he just wasn't happy so he divorced and then magically found someone new. OW is fighting behind your back to steal him away from you while you contemplate whether you should expose because he will be mad. Exposure will kill his plans to make it all look innocent and also the fantasy that he is under. He will no longer be able to claim that it started AFTER he filed for divorce because exposure will bring it all out into the light. Reality hits very hard when WH has to look everyone in the eye and explain why he thinks it is a good idea to abandon his family for an OW who sleeps with married men. Exposure and the TRUTH is your strongest weapon in bursting the fantasy bubble. He is just such a good liar. I have evidence of him sleeping there but that's it. That is absolutely wrong, but still, he can create something like "she has been having nightmares from when her ex beat her up Even a moron would not believe that. No respectable woman would invite a married man to "secretly" live in her apartment because she was having nightmares. Good grief. EXPOSE.
ME: BW HIM: FWH Married 18 yrs DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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So when will you be exposing?
Are you planning on doing it Friday when he's flying home? You are all going to kill me but I want to do it when he's on the way back to UT Monday Night. We have no help and I just can't deal with the anger around the kids. But I will do it. I will expose expose to as many as I can. He will be so paranoid of being seen with her knowing that I know. He's going to be a nightmare around the kids either way. Since he has this maudlin idea of a 'goodbye weekend' he's going to be acting strangely and freaking them out. He'll flip whenever any of you don't behave according to his prescribed script. You'll be missing a golden opportunity to rob him of the sick plan to say 'goodbye'. Much like the 'lets have one last roll in the hay, honey' offer he gave you. If he flips out, take the kids somewhere. At least this way they will know what is going on; that they are not to blame and that they can trust you at least.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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So when will you be exposing?
Are you planning on doing it Friday when he's flying home? You are all going to kill me but I want to do it when he's on the way back to UT Monday Night. We have no help and I just can't deal with the anger around the kids. But I will do it. I will expose expose to as many as I can. He will be so paranoid of being seen with her knowing that I know. SFL, no one is going to kill you (let's not get melodramatic) but if you keep making excuses to not act...you will likely find crickets chirping in your thread at some point. I think you should have exposed this week while he was gone and you didn't. I do think it is better to expose while he is gone. However, subjecting yourself and the kids to this "goodbye weekend" is a horrible idea. Why don't you pack up the kids on take them somewhere for the weekend like Disneyland or the beach before WH gets back? I don't know if this is MB or not but since he keeps saying you are separated he may get a little taste of what Plan B and D looks like (don't say that to him though) if he comes home to an empty apartment. You can Plan A but leaving something 'nice' (the carrot) in the apartment to find but administer the stick by not being there. It spares you his gaslighting, pity party and provide you some self care. You could go stay with friends too...start exposing to your family over the weekend too. He can see the kids Monday and tell them bye then. Anyway, think it over... I hope you are not going to be a doormat and cater to WH's selfish ideas. Did you have your attorney consult?
Last edited by black_raven; 05/22/14 12:39 PM.
BW - me exWH - serial cheater 2 awesome kids Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. --------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I hope you are not going to be a doormat and cater to WH's selfish ideas. It's funny because SFL, this whole situation is making me think about my sister. While she was being gaslit by her WH, he didn't want her talking to me and even went so far as to try to estrange her from me by telling her he and I had had an affair at one point. MelodyLane said to my sister (yup, I sent her here to MB): Sounds like he knows he can gaslight and scare you but not Susie!" There is no good reason to put off this exposure. Your WH knows that he can control you with his anger and that you are terrified to have conflict with him. That's why he does such bold and brazen things. He knows you will back down. You are going to have to stop being a doormat.
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I could have cared LESS what my ex WH told people about exposure!! I think it's so strange that you have spent so much of your thread talking about that.
He's married and spending his nights at a woman's apartment for heaven's sakes! He has admitted an A to you!?
You need to stop being such a "people pleaser" and caring WHAT people think of you!
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No more Mrs Nice Guy, SFL. This A is waging war on your M and your family. Stand up and fight and stop cowering in the corner!
Last edited by SusieQ; 05/22/14 01:08 PM.
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I am sure he will lie and try to spin the truth just like every wayward. Your job is to be smarter than that. You don't need to debate, defend or justify anything. You just tell him he will have to end his affair and leave the job if he wants to stay with you.
Don't fight, don't apologize, don't defend. Just be a broken record and tell him he has to end his affair and quit the job. How does this apply if he is already talking about divorcing me? He said, "we are separated and we will be divorcing soon." It is vitally important so that you turn this around so that he realizes HE needs to beg YOU if he wants to come back. This is about putting you back in control and reclaiming your dignity and getting a whole and healthy you out of this. HE is the one having an affair. He should not be threatening you with divorce. That is laughable. Expose the affair and let the consequences start raining down on him. This is step one in you coming out of this all right regardless of whether he finally has a successful cranial-rectal extraction are not. He wants to come home this weekend and spend time with the kids and I as a "goodbye weekend." A "goodbye weekend"? I am so sorry - God help you - that is so unbelievably disgusting. He must have a pathetically low opinion of you to think of doing something so abusive and offensive. I think that opinion will start to change when you stand up for yourself and expose what he has done and start getting the support you need. markos is spot on with this post. It is remarkable that we are more disgusted with your WH wanting a goodbye weekend than you are. My exH would have never in a million years would have suggested a thing to me. He knew better. I agree that once you expose and get some much needed support, you will feel better and stronger. I think you will wonder how in the world you ever agreed to such a thing.
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So when will you be exposing?
Are you planning on doing it Friday when he's flying home? You are all going to kill me but I want to do it when he's on the way back to UT Monday Night. We have no help and I just can't deal with the anger around the kids. But I will do it. I will expose expose to as many as I can. He will be so paranoid of being seen with her knowing that I know. You need to stick to the plan and stop giving into your FEARs. This is just plain FEAR talking. There is absolutely no good reason to delay exposure and many good reasons to move forward. You want him WITH YOU when he finds out [or flying to you] so he and skanky can't do damage control and so you have a chance to try and work this out. If he gets too crazy then you can leave with the kids for the weekend. EVERY wayward is furious about exposure. Just put on your big gurl panties and DEAL WITH IT!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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SFL, it is time to make a decision to be STRONG. You must decide to STOP allowing yourself to be played like a fool. He has been allowed to gaslight you for such a long time that you even parrot mind boggling fogbabble FOR HIM. You make excuses for him that leave one's jaw dropping! It is very rare to hear a BS so completely invested in wayward excuses.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't see why you are so tempted to behave like a doormat. I know that's not you!
I know you are capable of saying "Listen kids, something very horrible and very sad is happening. Dad has a girlfriend and he wants to live with her, but it is wrong for married people to do that. Just remember that I love you and we are in this together. We all still love Dad and I am going to ask him not to go. I want you to know I've got this. Mum has got this one under control no matter what happens."
I also know you are capable of looking super hot and super unimpressed when his anger blows up. I know you can Plan A like a rock star, expose fearlessly and not give a damn as he spews his fogbabble.
I know you CAN - but will you?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Why would you want to wait for exposure until they will be together all week to bond over it together?
Have you ever heard of how soldiers bond together in the trenches? You'd just be allowing them to be in the trench together to bond during a crisis.
Your best bet is to expose when he has just left her and lay down the ultimatum that if he maintains contact and returns to her you will have to make other choices. This keeps them apart, not drives them to each other.
Right now you cannot give way to your fears. You have a battle to fight, and to win. No one enters a battle without some fears - but the battle, nor its timing was of your choosing.
For your children and for you, you need to rise to the occasion now and fight the battle to win it.
Last edited by Sunnytimes; 05/23/14 10:19 AM. Reason: spelling
Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.
Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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