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You can continue the MB plans even as you file for divorce and move onward.

Follow them.

Sure......file.


But follow them.

Heck. Do not shoot yourself in the foot due to emotions ruling the day. Do not veer from MB plans.

You do not need to worry about his employment either way. Why? Because he blew it for himself by having an office affair.

Whether you stay together or divorce, he isn't capable of being a good and focused worker while continuing a slimy life. I say that with no judgement really but factually. He can not give his current employer a quality outcome in his work. He is on the path to career destruction anyway.

I am so sorry you are going through this. We all understand the emotions you are feeling. We have all felt them.


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Originally Posted by indiegirl
The path you're on will protect you should you choose Plan D. If he is dead set on keeping that job, he's going to be found out, have more affairs and get fired. Then he won't work again and the alimony ends.

So even when just viewing him as nothing more than a pay cheque, it's better to encourage him into something else. You also want to interrupt their affair at work for your children's sake so she isn't their stepmother.

One of the first things you have to accept about affairs is that no matter what, you get financially raped. It's like having termites. There's no way around it.

Part of your plan b preps will be to take as much money as possible from your joint funds and put it somewhere safe.

Thank you indiegirl. Ok. What's next? I've emailed my attorney about filing asap.
Any advice on the Plan B letter? the standard templates seem silly based on the facts that I already wrote one and he knows about what it was previously (before I knew for sure he was having an affair) and HE is saying he doesn't want to be with me and he is filing next week.


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Originally Posted by SFL
Please advise. Thank you all so much.

Try to get some rest, SFL...I'm sure you are tired. Nothing has to be decided tonight or tomorrow regardless of whether you want to divorce or not.

Have you spoken to any family members or friends this weekend?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by reading
Follow them.

Sure......file.


But follow them.

Heck. Do not shoot yourself in the foot due to emotions ruling the day. Do not veer from MB plans.

You do not need to worry about his employment either way. Why? Because he blew it for himself by having an office affair.

Whether you stay together or divorce, he isn't capable of being a good and focused worker while continuing a slimy life. I say that with no judgement really but factually. He can not give his current employer a quality outcome in his work. He is on the path to career destruction anyway.

I am so sorry you are going through this. We all understand the emotions you are feeling. We have all felt them.

Wow. Yes. Thank you. You right on. He has been so destructive. And over the past 6 months he has said often, "I feel so out of control."


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Originally Posted by black_raven
Try to get some rest, SFL...I'm sure you are tired. Nothing has to be decided tonight or tomorrow regardless of whether you want to divorce or not.

Have you spoken to any family members or friends this weekend?

Only one of his family members reached out in support. I have several friends that have been just amazing. My dad has my back and my mom has no voice due to throat cancer (barely a whisper but I did manage to comprehend a "what a jerk" from her.) smile I have 3 great friends that have really been there for me. One of them invited me to her beach house today (which was officially the last day WH will be in this house). I took my son and left my youngest with WH, ALL DAY. ha. had to take advantage of the free "babysitter." It was the most wonderful "sad" days I could have. The ocean and my son dancing in the water with a light in him I haven't seen in a long time. My boy needs light and WH has been so, so dark. Thank you everyone. The ocean today plus everyone on MB has given me strength I would have never been able to muster on my own. I am recommending this site to ALL the married couples I know. hurray


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He's so foggy, I doubt he understands plan B accurately.

Write the letter from the templates just as though it is the first time it has come up. You want him to have a clear statement of where you now stand and what the boundaries are.

If he does announce that he fessed up at work and is keeping his job, don't believe him! Either he didn't tell them anything and is playing you (Very likely his plan.) or he has spun and minimized the facts beyond recognition. Put it to the test by doing an immediate workplace exposure of your own. As Mel points out, if he claims he has fessed up how can he object. think


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
I bet they were sitting on the couch reading Bible scripture, right? laugh

Right! haha


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Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by indiegirl
The path you're on will protect you should you choose Plan D. If he is dead set on keeping that job, he's going to be found out, have more affairs and get fired. Then he won't work again and the alimony ends.

So even when just viewing him as nothing more than a pay cheque, it's better to encourage him into something else. You also want to interrupt their affair at work for your children's sake so she isn't their stepmother.

One of the first things you have to accept about affairs is that no matter what, you get financially raped. It's like having termites. There's no way around it.

Part of your plan b preps will be to take as much money as possible from your joint funds and put it somewhere safe.

Thank you indiegirl. Ok. What's next? I've emailed my attorney about filing asap.
Any advice on the Plan B letter? the standard templates seem silly based on the facts that I already wrote one and he knows about what it was previously (before I knew for sure he was having an affair) and HE is saying he doesn't want to be with me and he is filing next week.


When I wrote my Plan B letter it seemed silly, based on the hostility of my husband. I know better now.

See, the Plan B letter sees through that whole " I'm divorcing you" nonsense. It says "I see your bluff and I'm calling it". It has immense strength.


It's very important you say how heartbreaking his affair is and that's why you can't be around him. That's key. Waywards just 'forget' how their actions affect others and their future plans tend to revolve largely around using the BS as friend lover confidante and co-parent.

You can make it a bit more personal by a romantic intro. A sucker punch of love bank deposits. See p27 of my thread for tips.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2520631&page=27


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by SFL
Originally Posted by black_raven
Try to get some rest, SFL...I'm sure you are tired. Nothing has to be decided tonight or tomorrow regardless of whether you want to divorce or not.

Have you spoken to any family members or friends this weekend?

Only one of his family members reached out in support. I have several friends that have been just amazing. My dad has my back and my mom has no voice due to throat cancer (barely a whisper but I did manage to comprehend a "what a jerk" from her.) smile I have 3 great friends that have really been there for me. One of them invited me to her beach house today (which was officially the last day WH will be in this house). I took my son and left my youngest with WH, ALL DAY. ha. had to take advantage of the free "babysitter." It was the most wonderful "sad" days I could have. The ocean and my son dancing in the water with a light in him I haven't seen in a long time. My boy needs light and WH has been so, so dark. Thank you everyone. The ocean today plus everyone on MB has given me strength I would have never been able to muster on my own. I am recommending this site to ALL the married couples I know. hurray


Your Plan B will be amazing. I'm glad your son has you and has this.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Seriously, tip the police or the rental car agency about the intoxicated driving. He is a menace! What if he drives that way with your loved ones as passengers?

Additionally it keeps his fantasy affair world off balance.


Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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You've handled yourself like a star this weekend.

You've struck a huge blow against the affair and carried yourself well. Only tomorrow to deal with.


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Originally Posted by ItCanGetBetter
You've handled yourself like a star this weekend.

X2.

I just had a FEELING about you smile



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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you are doing GREAT. you have your WH in a panic. this is excellent news. exposure just keeps on giving. this is the tip of the ice berg for the adultery partners. NICE WORK.

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Thanks again everyone. Ok need to act asap and message WH. Please advise on my message below.
Latest from WH is that he is:
1) one of the OW's friends that I FB messaged actually works with them so he says he's already "screwed." Or I "destroyed his career" as he puts it.
2) Because of that he is going to talk to his boss on Tuesday and tell him "the truth" thinking he might get fired but might not and if possible he'd still like to work there.

I don't believe this because his career is SO important to him and he previously said he was trying to think of a way to leave because it would be better for him to quit then to be fired. That, plus the fact that he says he is filing for divorce next week makes me feel he's just trying to make me feel there is no reason for me to 'expose.'

So, although I really don't want to contact/text him further, I'd like to call his bluff.
Melody Lane suggested something pretty great and I would like to go with that.

She said."Just had a great idea! Since he has offered to come clean, why not tell him you will also contact his owner and the HR Director yourself on Tuesday and tell them about his affairs and offer up your evidence from the PI? He shouldn't object to that since he has agreed to come clean."

He is also saying that I am trying to get revenge on him and I'd like to nip that thought in the bud. Please advise on how to say that. I was thinking:

WH- I have no desire to seek revenge. I am trying to protect myself from your destructive behaviour. You have been saying non-stop that you feel "out of control" and your recent destructive choices have confirmed that. You would most definitely have gotten found out and fired eventually- especially because HR already gave you a frown for taking her to the airport.
OW's friend will not report you for now because she is OW's friend (and commented "so happy for you!" to a pair of shoes you purchased for her and that she posted on FB." So, find a way to leave gracefully within 30 days and I will not expose. But, if you insist on "telling the truth" on Tuesday, then I too will help you with that truth by contacting HR and submitting my evidence from the PI investigation on Tuesday. Sound good?


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Originally Posted by SFL
He is also saying that I am trying to get revenge on him and I'd like to nip that thought in the bud. Please advise on how to say that. I was thinking:

Don't even respond to that accusation. That is a classic WS accusation that is intended to guilt you into silence. He wants you to stop interfering with his affair. So don't even get sidetracked by fogbabble.

Tell him this:

"Since you are going to tell your boss on Tuesday about your affair, I will follow up with a call to the owner [insert name] and the Director of HR with the facts of your affairs. I am willing to forgo this exposure if you leave the job by June 24th. I will leave that up to you. I truly do want the best for you, and I would much prefer that you leave on good terms rather than them finding out about your workplace affairs. They will find out eventually. "


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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awesome. Ok.


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Originally Posted by SFL
He is also saying that I am trying to get revenge on him and I'd like to nip that thought in the bud. Please advise on how to say that. I was thinking:

Put another way, he is saying this to throw you off balance.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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This is the text he sent me just BEFORE I sent what Melody Lane suggested.

"Hey: I f'd up. I know I hurt you. I've been crazy over the last few months and especially the last few days. I know what you did came from a desire to hold us together. You fought hard for our family.
Now, I have to face the music. I can't imagine what you have, so I am going to come clean and see. Whatever happens, we both love our kids and need to be civil. I should not have let my anger get in the way of seeing the kids today. I am sorry. I sincerely want to find a way back to being friends & co parents with you. Is it possible? I love the kids and i love you. I am so sorry."

I swiftly responded with melody Lane's script:
"Since you are going to tell your boss on Tuesday about your affair, I will follow up with a call to the owner [insert name] and the Director of HR with the facts of your affairs. I am willing to forgo this exposure if you leave the job by June 24th. I will leave that up to you. I truly do want the best for you, and I would much prefer that you leave on good terms rather than them finding out about your workplace affairs. They will find out eventually. "

He then responded with: "I hear you."

?? We shall see.




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He just texted again saying:

"What do you get out of punishing me this way? It hurts me. It hurts the kids. And it hurts you. Why? I just want to know?"



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He is obviously petrified and trying to smooth things with you. Co-parent, right... crazy


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